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waiting on the train. i missed my stop on the metro about five exits ago,  somewhere between Pentagon City and King St., but i have no desire to return home. i’ve been finding companionship in the proximity of strangers recently. people who will never know me or recall me-  yet will live inside me, momentarily, as emotional relief.  i can just stay here.  let the stations greet me,  and wave goodbye- and in gentle warmth, i can let myself  relax into the scenery- submerge into the cushions as if i’ve always been part of them, tuck myself- in inner silence— i imagine on the train,  i am the passerby of many lifetimes, including, my own. like a loose shadow, blended, but not yet faded, i spectate the fleeting guests, the quick sights of the underground, their muddy textures, rocky lines— but if i look too long, mindlessly stay, i risk every station, feeling the same- i’ll lose track of where i’m going, and the distances too- i’ve begun to learn, absence doesn’t feel  the same as escape, and often, the clock can make the distance and reality conflate. though, it still tends to lapse on the train, and in my mind, i’m always timelines away- head rested upon the windowsill, eyes, hauntingly returning my gaze, still conscious enough for comfort, but far enough way, to teeter the lines- of rumination and introspection. i often sit and think, it’s somewhat counterintuitive to find solace on a bustling train- a train decorated with seats discolored  like flour-stained T’s, tracks as loud as locusts, and rides against airs with the pressures,  of neptunian winds. but the noise, is much better, than the  intrusiveness of loneliness.  i can’t bear the quiet.  these days i’m not sure if  the silence is talking to me, or if i have begun talking to it. the travel allows me to escape- and on the metro, i look with certainty, there’s someone here who feels the same— someone who has probably  sat through just as many stops, passed by just as many people, found just as much solace, confronted just as much pain.  just one more stop, and i’ll pen this day.  i was lonely until i felt your warmth beside me,  and i don’t know when i’ll ever find my comfort being alone,  but until then, i will hold on, to those distant faces  passing torches to their replacements as they go home.  ——- saudade. city lights cascade the night, strong aromas of booze savor the winds as they drift away- but soon, they resurrect from our breaths- our mouths vials of liquid poisons- parties behind alleys, bleached blonde brows, cat eyes, glitter streaks, studded boots, and sweat like moisturizer glossing each face- raves in backyards, flashing strobe lights, a rainbow collecting souls, and we dissect, into rows of ultraviolet rays- - there’s a boy, lit in indigo- peering towards me- distant, but close. he reminds me of him . his manners reminiscent- and in a dance, bodies syncing like waves, i submerge into him. his kiss on my lips, press a secret- he confesses he’s lonely and has lost his way- i tell him- i feel the same. and in silent agreement, we proclaim, affection for a night, is all we need to quench the thirsts of yearning. and we, ring out lust in a stranger’s home. every touch a desire for a past love,  a fantasy of replication. but in the heat of the moment, i remember he is a mystery too, and our names, pseudonyms, hide our shame. broken for different reasons, we align, before we separate, and once again, we search for the next wilting leaf trying to turn a night into sufficiency. and i, in my chaos, plant myself in misery, too dependent on escapism for sanity. at my best, i’d declare tonight is the finale- and with the strength of goliath, move forward- but i have not yet dodged that stone. each sorrowful release, a vapid seamstress to heal my needs, bandage my vulnerability. so my eyes wander- they contemplate escape- but when the lights return, blue chooses my face- and once again, so does his . Arlo Arctia (they/them) is a 22-year-old poet and English major living in Washington DC. Informed by introspection and life experiences, Arctia finds their insight through emotional exploration and the unknowns. Through their Instagram poetry account and Substack, @arloarctia, you can find their personal works and conversations.

She looks spent. The coldness of the light has saturated her skin and her eyes and even her hair. They look dull and flat and hard like the wax rind of a cheese rolled between palm and thumb, so that at first it seems impossible that she would be alive. Even her movements are of a kind you would expect of the weary dead: Quick. Shallow. Impatient to be done. Exactly as you might imagine your own last breath if you have ever imagined such a thing.  She doesn’t notice the beeps or pings or even the people much anymore. If they are in scrubs, she refers them to a son who sits tired and quietly beside himself by her headboard in a chair he had brought himself so they could not take it. He will be gone by seven. If they are a friend or a grandchild she smiles faintly, and pats a head or squeezes a hand as if to say it is fine that they are here, and she will always love them, but for herself, she is already somewhere else. What could they possibly speak of? She would spare them that. And so she does. She is dying, and she knows it and they know it and there is nothing she would do about it, even if she could. ‘Yes dear, that’s fine.’ ‘ … That’s fine.’ The whole time, she is somewhere deep behind her eyes with Serenity. Fretting. Going back and forth in her mind like the play of new yarn twisting off the edge of a whorl.  Remembering ...  She had spotted Serenity under a bridge.  The bridge.  She had chosen it for its height and for the raw speed of the rush underneath. The distance from bank to bank. She could not swim.  No mistakes.  She was not sure what was meant by ‘dignity,’ at least not the way she heard people speak of it, but she knew she could never be one of the pathetic wretches that got pulled out, vomiting cold river water over and over on the bankside for the cameras. It had to be clean. The water’s only clammy if you come out, she told herself, and then it’s more of life and one percent worse. Even the screaming in her head shuddered at that, and it blanched at nothing.  DO IT! DO IT! DOITDOITDOIT! NOW! DOITNOW!! She screwed herself up, trembling, and looked down, the voice growing more and more insistent in her mind, rising, excited, like it could feel the tipping point a’coming, that heartbeat when the leaf folds under the weight of the snow and you can see it, still hanging in the air but falling, falling—one more push and … There was Serenity, or at least what would become Serenity.  It was almost nothing now, a shivering bag of skin and bone, twitching and jerking its head round on a swivel so she could imagine (from the distance) it might make a soft pop like a spring going off, but she could see from the broad wedge of its face and the set of it shoulders that the dog had been something once, something beautiful.   YOU LITTLE SH—, STOP LOOKING AT THAT F— DOG AND DO IT! NOW! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?  The voice felt the catch, growled in irritation, then collected itself, coiled like a snake or a cunningly arched brow. It whispered now, for her ear alone, soft and smooth and secretly scornful as the wicked mother from a fairytale. Another tack. But aren’t you tired yet? I know you are. I know just how tired we both are. And didn’t I tell you there would always  be a distraction, always some branch to hold onto, and then you come out. I told you. You knew. And here we are. Come on ... Why can’t you even get this right?  It smirked, and she tightened her grip on the rail, tensed for a vault. She could feel, deep down, that the voice knew, it just knew  it was impossible that she simply walk off the bridge. It would not let her. She could feel its pleasure in it, its ecstasy like it was biting its lip to savor the blood. Then she tasted blood herself and found it was she who was doing the biting. Yet she just stood there, trembling all over like a bird in a net, trembling so violently she feared she might retch over the side, her eyes fixed on the dog where it lay splayed under the bridge, wallowing in misery and neglect and caked in a roughcast of filth and flies and open sores. She could see it was also trembling.  Just like her. That is what I must look like, she thought to herself.  That is what I’ve become. Broken.  No place to go but under the bridge. No silence except under the water.  She imagined the dog looking up from under the current. Seeing the world, but outside of it, forever without the heat of doing or thinking or hearing. Quiet at last. Well beyond trembling. It was hard not to think of the dog as Serenity now, in the remembering, but she knows it wasn’t Serenity yet—just a private pain, quivering under a bridge, and she had felt … sad. To look at that dog.  Yes, that was it, sad .  She could feel the cut of it, real and deep and sweet. Even the relief of it. She had to mouth the word to herself under her breath; she had almost forgotten what it meant.  When was it then? How many years since she’d felt it? How long since she had been anything but afraid?  And it just poured over her, over and over again in waves, and she sobbed and sobbed, clutching the rail and staring down.  She knew she had to do something about that dog.  She  was that dog, somehow, under her skin. Afraid. Alone. Already under the water and beyond reach.  Just trembling. Slowly, she stumbled down the far end of the bridge into the shamble of gravel and weeds under the truss, tripping and bawling and guiding herself along with her hands as if the old age she had never figured to see had caught her up in a moment. The voice was screaming again, bludgeoning her, swearing and breaking into the obscene and strident cacophony it reserved as a fallback when it didn’t want her to think. Something not entirely human, but entirely too human to hear without recoil. Another tack. Another tack. Yet another tack. It went back to screaming, then pleading, then threatening, then screaming again. Anything, really. When she got close enough, she kneeled in front of it like a fractured annunciation, hands apart. The dog laid back its ears and showed her its teeth and the whites of its eyes, but it was almost silent. She had to strain to feel the growl. It must be almost spent. She reached out a hand, tentative, and it snapped at her. She pulled back, then tried again, coaxing this time with a thin, trembling thread of sweet and friendly nonsense. It snapped again. And again.  But it was very weak. Too weak, she found, to give more than a wicked pinch, so she took a deep breath and lunged for its neck, dragging it bodily away to her car, kicking and snarling.  The voice screamed at her again, spitting with rage, but she just shrugged it off and tightened her grip. WHAT THE H— DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING, YOU DUMBA— B—? LEGGO! The whole way back to the car she talked and sobbed and talked again—pleading with it, cajoling, tutting, trying to calm it down even after she had shoved it into the back seat—but she could do nothing with it. The dog was clearly insane, curled up in the back with its lip and hackles up, red eyes rolling blind in its head, snarling so she could feel the tremor of it in her chest. It tried to heave itself up to bite her over and over but it couldn’t. Eventually, it gave over and loosed its bowels all over the back seat while she cried into the wheel and apologized and told it she knew what it wanted, she knew—to be left to suffer in peace under the bridge, to die on its own terms—but she just couldn’t. She couldn’t, she had to do something. She put the car into gear and drove home.  All that night it squealed and growled like a thing possessed. She had gotten it food and a leash and collar on the way home, but it wouldn’t eat until after she left the room. When she came back, it started lunging at her again, fangs out, back to the wall. It was stronger now, and it frightened her.  She had to collar it by force and muzzle it, first with a makeshift twist of the leash and then with a proper one, and though she had won out in the end, the dog still raged and twisted and tried to bite even with its mouth lashed shut, and she had had to scrub out and bandage her arms where its teeth had found her wrists in the struggle. She was exhausted; her breath drew ragged and heavy, and she could feel the shape of the punctures in her wrists and forearms aching against the bandages. Still, she kept talking to it, touching it gently, wheedling, offering it treats.  Nothing.  The dog raved harder and longer the more it recovered. She tried everything she could think of: baby talk, shushing, bribery, collaring, threats. Nothing worked. Finally, she screamed. “Stop it! STOP! I’m trying to help!!” The dog wouldn’t stop, and the voice laughed and whispered ugly things she ought to do to it behind her ears .  Didn’t I tell, you? Don’t I always tell you? It had murmured,  After all,   when have you ever been able to curb even my anger? When have you ever been able to spare yourself? Only ever by force. And then only a little. Wouldn’t it be better to end it? Easier? Nicer? Who knows, maybe you’ll even be free of me after …   She caught the dog’s face in both hands by the sides of the muzzle and heaved it scant inches from her own. She shook it, and though it growled and pulled she wouldn’t let it go.  ‘Stop it! I know this isn’t you. I know you have to be in there somewhere. Stop it!’  And the dog growled at her all the more, pressing its ears to its skull, staring her down, neck working back and forth like a piston. She screamed and shoved it away and screamed again and collapsed in the corner crying while the dog escaped to another room, and the voice laughed and whispered it had told her so, that no one can be saved, and she gave over for a time, huddled in on herself, how long she could not remember. At length, she pulled herself together enough to google canine aggression and found the number for a specialist. “Have you named it?”   “Yes. Serenity.” He clucked. “Hmm ... That’s aspirational.” “I guess.” He paused for a second and looked at the dog like maybe this time he’d see something different. The dog growled, low in its chest, its ears back, just as it had been ever since it entered the room, and she sat there strained upright, trying not to blink every time the voice rang her head like a temple gong. It had fallen into repeating every word of the conversation in tandem, word for word, like it was reading a script, but with a snide undertone that seemed to leach itself into the original. He rubbed his hands.  “I’m sorry, but this dog has got to be in the worst shape I have ever seen. You need to get rid of it.” “What do you mean?” “Put it down.” “What?” “Euthanize it. Trust me, I don’t like it any more than you do.” “Then don’t.” “Nice. Normally, I’d agree, say ‘every dog’s a good dog,’ but that isn’t a dog. An animal like this’s been scared so long it doesn’t even know how to be a dog anymore. Sure, it looks like one, but really it’s just a nasty knot of fear and neurosis with teeth on one end. There’s no way to do anything with an animal like that, and if you help it get strong again, it will kill somebody. Guaranteed. Probably you. Where did you say you got it?”  “Under a bridge.” “Under a bridge. Figures.” “Please. I have to do this.” “Have to? No one has to  do anything and to be honest, it may not even be possible. I’m not sure even I could, even if I had the time.”  “So maybe  you   could?” “No. That’s not what I said.” “But maybe.” “Look, I know this isn’t any of my business, but you look like you’ve had pretty a rough time yourself. If I let you go and do this, someone might get hurt. And then that’s on me.” “I’m fine. I can do it.” “Really? You’re fine?” He stared hard at her and she tugged her sleeves over her wrists. The voice swore, told her to KILL THAT LITTLE F—.  She squirmed.  “I’m fine.” “You are fine … and you found it under a bridge … Look at yourself. I can’t help you if you’re just going to lie to me, and I’m telling you, you do this and someone’s going to get hurt.”  “I’m fine.” She heard the bald defiance in her own voice but let it stay where it was.  “The dog’s just been hard. She didn’t want to be collared.”  He raised his hands and nodded. “Alright. Alright. No need to get your back up … and that’s exactly what I’m talking about. I’m telling you, put Serenity down. It’s the nicest thing you could do for her.” “I don’t believe you. The dog’s still here. There’s got to be a way I can reach her, teach her how to be a dog. There has to.” He covered his eyes with his hand and sighed deeply, didn’t speak for a minute. “Why do you want to do this, anyway? What does the dog mean to you?” “I don’t know. I guess I just have to believe there is a heart in there somewhere, and that it’s worth finding, that it’s worth the work and the patience.” “Hmm … interesting ... Tell me then, is this about you or the dog?” “I don’t know.” “You don’t know. Probably better that way.” He sits there, considering, and all she can hear is the voice ranting in her head and the sound of the dog under her chair, threatening in unison.  “Look, I know I shouldn’t tell you this, but I’m going to. Only, you need to promise me that if you are going to do this, you’re gonna do it all the way.” “I promise.” “Swear it.” “What?” “I mean it.” “Yeah, I swear it. Ok?” “Ok. You have to understand that you have to be with this dog all the time. That’s the commitment. This dog is alive all the time, and she doesn’t know how to do anything right. You’ll have to teach her everything, starting from zero. You can’t let her regress, not even for a second. No matter how tired or bored or fed up you get. You’re going to have to change everything there is about this dog. It took years for her to get this way, and it may take something like that to rehabilitate her. Do you get what I’m telling you?” “Yes.” “What am I saying, then?” “I have to focus on the dog. I have to be patient with her.” “Wrong. This dog has got to be your life. Your whole life. If you can’t do that, you have got to put her down.” “I can do it. My whole life.” He looked at her hard. “You think you can do that. Now. But you won’t know for sure until it gets tough. Really tough. If you find you can’t, you have to bring her back. Promise?” “Promise.” “Okay.” The first thing, he said, was to control the dog’s environment and remove any stressors. She needed a sense of normalcy, he had said. Something she was used to. So she did. The first few days, she didn’t interact with Serenity at all, just penned the dog up in one half of a dark mudroom by the door, everything stripped antiseptically down to the baseboards and carpets like a field hospital. Nothing to be afraid of. That was Serenity’s world, and there she stayed, scratching and whining until she got used to things. She made a schedule and a little ceremony for Serenity’s meal times, which, she had learned, must be unalterable: Twice a day, she’d ring a bell to let the dog know the door was going to open, then she’d open the back door from over the fence and walk away. There would be food and water out in the yard, and she would come back and close the door afterthe dog went back in. This went on until the dog stopped growling when she was alone in the house. That was the cue for the real work to begin.  This, he’d said, is what would tax her ‘unbreakable resolve,’ because everything the dog knew to do was wrong. She could not let Serenity do a solitary thing without her express permission. Not even eat. The dog had to work for her privileges, every time, and if Serenity didn’t comply, well, she didn’t get anything. The dog needed to know what to expect. And so, she worked out exactly  how close Serenity would let her approach before reacting, measured out in inches, and she sat just outside the limit and tossed the dog little pieces of kibble one by one and talked to her. The moment the dog growled or so much as raised a hackle, she would pack away the food with a predetermined vocal cue, back a little further off, then try again, hour after hour, always taking in the dog’s tenor to see where she was in her mind, always adjusting, rewarding, redirecting, slowly culling the growls and retreats down to nothing.  She could see now what the trainer had meant. It took more time than she had imagined; much more. It was weeks before the dog could tolerate even standing next to her, but she persisted. Almost, she fancied, like a voice in the dog’s head, closing the distance in inches, testing the limits, and starting over: talk, treat, growl, wait, talk again, and so forth.  Even so, she could not touch Serenity for another month. Every day she would probe the trammels again, seeking the slightest sensitivity like a leadsman heaving the plummet into the depths, cueing a treat and touching the dog’s flank lightly with a fingertip and then drawing away if she reacted, feeding her again and again from her hand with each new compliance and always talking and cajoling in one long, single and continuous thread like the unraveling in one piece of an infinite sweater, until finally, she could stroke her dog gently anywhere on herbody without a growl. From that point, she knew it could be done. She was confident now, teaching her dog to eat inside the house, to eat without protecting the bowl, to tolerate a harness and leash, to walk on a lead, to obey commands, and to tolerate visitors and other dogs. Serenity learned, and each time she did, it was a bit easier to ignore the voice screaming at her to   stop, to shut up , telling her you can’t do this, and why don’t we all just make our way back to that bridge?   Then, twelve months in, she came home to Serenity waiting for her at the door. Had her dog done that before? She couldn’t remember. Maybe she had. It had been a long while since her ears had stopped following her around the house. She smiled and reached down and stroked her huge, wedge-shaped head, and Serenity began to wag her tail.  That was definitely a first.  She kneeled and pulled Serenity’s face into her own, laughing and talking away just as she had all the past year and her dog didn’t pull away. Serenity looked back almost like she was smiling too, eyes soft and liquid. She began to cry.  “Good girl, Serenity. Good dog! So this is you, isn’t it, Serenity? Pleased to meet you! Aren’t you glad I found you? And weren’t you worth the wait?” As soon as she’d said it, the voice began to cavil at her, ranting and writhing and crawling around in her head:  No, no, it’s a LIE! The dog’s still the SAME, just afraid of you, can’t you see? OPEN YOUR EYES! Didn’t I tell you how it would happen? Didn’t I? You haven’t done anything, you’ve never done anything, and you never will . You are so naïve. How could you be so naïve? But she didn’t listen; in fact, she swore she would never listen again, and as she savored that thought, she could feel something change in the voice, like the closing of a door, and the breath caught in her chest, for though the voice raged on as rabid as ever, she could hear that all the words were gone. It wasn’t a voice at all anymore, just the howl of a broken dog dying under a bridge, and in her heart, she knew it always had been. A dog so afraid it didn’t know how to be a dog anymore, who bit harder the more she tried to feed it.  At that moment, she felt her whole world change in a flood, whirling and clicking into place like words and dates spun out on a split-flap board when a train comes in, and she would watch them not for what they said but for what they’d dance and become.  Serenity.  She saw it clearly now. She would name the voice Serenity, just like the dog, and she would watch it close and spin out that long, everlasting thread of talk and laughter just as she had all the past year, and deny it every little thing it screamed for until it had her permission, and it too would learn to be a person. She would tame it to her touch. The dog mellowed into a sweet, companionable animal, her first real friend. She was glad for it. She often relied on the warmth of Serenity under her palm or the rough insistence of her tongue to brace her as she tackled that other Serenity. The voice was stubborn, ten times as wild and willful as the dog had ever been, but that didn’t bother her now. She already knew what was going to happen. She had proof—she could see it in the dog walking beside her, day by day. After all, the voice didn’t know how to do anything right, and she would have to teach it. It had taken years for that voice to become what it was, and it would take years yet for it to figure itself out.  All that time the other Serenity kicked and bucked and howled, and all the while she would talk to it, sweet and cajoling in one, long unraveling thread in the back of her mind, never taking her eyes off it for a second, backing off when it acted out, but always, always letting it know she was there and thinking of it. Slowly, ever so slowly, like rain fading so you couldn’t really put a finger on when it slacked, Serenity gave up railing and threatening and mostly sat in the back of her mind like a cat, licking and grumbling to itself. And that was that. For the first time in years, she found that she could think out loud and keep friends and hold down a regular job. She was even in contact with family again. And life was good, or at least better than it had been. She waited for the feeling to break as it always had, for the other foot to fall, but it never did.  The mood persisted for weeks and then on into months, until late one night, as she lay sprawled lazily over the arm of her couch like some languid sketch of an odalisque, enjoying the indulgence of it, slurping up ice cream and scratching luxuriously and nemine contradicente . She was in just a shirt, an oversized one, maybe from her brother, maybe from Goodwill, she couldn’t remember, and she couldn’t help lifting her fingers from time to time to admire her long and bright-polished nails, heady with the freedom of having them at all without fear of picking or cutting and wondering how long this freedom might last, the freedom to simply be, hoping beyond hope it was there to stay.  Serenity had roused itself at the thought and made a listless little foray, but she was too contented to pay it any mind when there was ice cream and a movie to be enjoyed, and in a minute it trailed off and began weeping, gently, out of sight in the back of her head. Serenity felt so sad in that moment—its grief bubbling up from someplace as hidden and unacknowledged as the wellspring of a river—that it pierced her to the quick, like her own first tears for her dog under the bridge. She stopped short a moment, straightened up, and sent pink bubbles across the space between them, spoke reassuringly, wanting to make peace, telling Serenity how sorry she was for all of the things that they had been through together—she knew it had been a lot—and Serenity bawled and spilled its guts like a child caught in fault, pointing a finger at every breast but its own: Do you really think that I wanted to be this way? But what could I do? You … you were such a coward, you ran away from everything. You were so afraid of everything. We would have died. DIED! We would have fallen to pieces. Someone had to be strong for the both of us. It’s not my fault. You did this to me! You! You!! And the voice went on, but softly now, in a litany of offenses, real and imagined, like it had them scribed secretly on the palm of its hand, never again to be opened—everything it had held against her, every broken and scandalized feeling of its heart—and she listened as she had grown accustomed to listening to the dog, and thanked it one by one for everything it had taken on for her, for the both of them, because she hadn’t been strong enough at the time. Serenity was too sad for her to feel any anger, whatever she felt about what it said.  It must have been hard, she said, so hard, and I hated you for it all the while. I am sorry. I am so sorry.  And she stroked Serenity with her words until it fell quiet for a good long while. And then finally: Thank you. Yes, it has been hard.  She blinked.  “Of course. I’m so sorry, Serenity.” Call Robert. Now. What did it mean? Robert was a client, of course. There was no other Robert. One she fretted about flying the coop. It was a big account. She didn’t know if she’d keep her job if it closed. “Call Robert? Why?” Call Robert. His daughter’s birthday. Remember? He called out last year. He had lost her just a little before. Her name was Kayla. Call Robert. Now.  She paused and looked at the clock. It was late, probably too late for a call. She put the thought to rest. But Serenity kept nudge, nudge, nudging her until she found that she had dialed his number in spite of herself, not even knowing what to say. She was terrified. The gravity of it threatened to choke her: What was she playing at with this man’s sorrows?  What might it seem like?  She knew what it felt to want to strike a commiserating face. But she didn’t hang up. “Hello?” “Hi, Robert. I know, I’m sorry it’s so late, but I was thinking of Kayla, I remembered it was her birthday, and just had to check in. I had to let you know I was thinking of you, of her.” Then a pause. “How are you holding up?” And he just stood on the other end of the line and sobbed, like a levee strained, then finally overwhelmed by the river and its need to follow an older course, and she apologized and he said, no, it was ok, she was the only one who had remembered, that even his business partner had asked why he had wanted to take the day off and so he hadn’t, rather than make a scene. She listened, listened like she always had with her dog and later with Serenity, and let him talk himself out, nodding and crying a little with him when he needed it. “Thank you.” “Yeah. I’m sorry … and Robert, I know there isn’t much I can do … just know I’m here for you if you need it, OK?” I guess you aren’t such a coward, after all. I guess you can do some things. Maybe I can trust you. Maybe … She hung up the phone and cried and Serenity shushed her, not urgently. And that was that. She kept the client and the job, and it was Serenity, still snarky, but now often amusing, that got her through the hard days and reminded her of the good. It was Serenity who talked her off the ledge the first time a boy she liked asked her out. It was a thing so far afield of what she’d expected for herself that she had freaked out, both before and again after the date, but there was Serenity, laughing and poking fun and calming her fears, and it was Serenity that did it again and again as she and the boy laughed and fought and made up until he eventually screwed up the courage to ask if they shouldn’t take up housekeeping. It was Serenity who watched and laughed at her favorite shows, the ones she couldn’t get anyone else to watch, who found keys and old recipes she had misplaced, and it was Serenity who whispered the words of a long-forgotten lullaby in her ear as she rocked gently in the dark, nursing a colicky child, and last of all it had been Serenity that had held her hand and cried with her through the long, cold nights after her husband had died.  Serenity was her own little secret, her loose board under the closet where she could guard every treasure no one suspected she could have, and they shared everything, everything, everything, and the thread of their conversation never drew out. She is crying now, in that tiny bed where she can neither sit up nor lie down. The Doctors keep clicking their tongues and saying she is dying, that she must die, that she should have died last Tuesday, and then again Friday, and she can almost feel them tapping their feet, telling her it is time to go. Even the beep and pings sound impatient now as if to say,  “Well, what are you waiting for? Haven’t you been through enough?”  And yet she still holds on, fiercely, blindly, like she clung to the scruff of that dog’s neck so many years ago, though this time, it’s not on her own account. She is not at all afraid for herself. She had not even been afraid then, standing on that bridge before she spied Serenity. Yet here she is, tossing, fretting herself to hysterics. Thinking, over and over,  But what about Serenity? She knows what will happen to her  when the time comes. She has known it for a long time and does not doubt what she will see and what she will become.  But what of Serenity? What place will there be for her?  The children will weep for her, and her for them, but they will go on. In her heart, she almost laughs at them, though she would never tell them why. They will always be with her, and even if they aren’t, they will always have themselves. But who will have Serenity when she is gone? Will there even be a Serenity, or will Serenity simply cease, like the light of a candle left out in a hurricane, or worse yet, like the light of a candle that has never been lit? The anguish of it tears at her: that this voice she wrestled and loved and brought into being more surely than her own children would be lost, lost, or more agonizing still, never have been. She knows it is time, but she cannot let it go like that, with a whimper. She cannot let Serenity go at all, and through her mind runs an endless train of moments, tender and cruel, that they have passed through together, until at the end of line she stands high atop a bridge, looking down on the rushing cataract and at the form of Serenity, broken and brought to life again in the shambles at the far end. And she must go to her. Pain blossoms exquisitely before her eyes as she tries to rise and follow, and she subsides, but she must not let it go. The room is growing dark and everyone is standing up around her, talking and talking to her all at once, but she cannot hear what they are saying. It is hard to breathe, but it does not hurt like she would have imagined. She can feel something warm, like a hand holding hers, and Serenity is there, talking to her, talking in one long, golden thread like she herself used to talk to her dog in the dark mudroom in that beginning. Sweetly, cajoling, imploring her not to fret almost like a mother holding a damp towel to the head of a sick child and her refusing it, fighting it, yet Serenity goes on all the same, whispering in her ear that she will be fine, they both would be fine and to just let go, just let it happen, that it is time for her to find her own way, and she cries and begs forgiveness that she does not have the strength to carry her back to the car anymore, tells her that she does not want to be on her own after all, pleads that she never, never let go of her hand, and she feels the murmur of a soft laugh and a gentle kiss on her forehead and the thread runs out. Micah Muldowney is the author of the collection Q-Drive and Other Poems (Finishing Line Press, 2022). His short fiction and poetry have been featured in The New England Review, Cleaver Magazine, Descant, West Trade Review, and many others. He currently lives in greater Philadelphia where he is working on a novel.

for Ohad Naharin You can listen to music with your eyes closed, but you cannot watch dance with your eyes closed.   When I was young, I danced without a thought of being a dancer. I remember being two years old, jumping from the top of a closet into a blanket held by my parents.   I cherish ambivalence, not only in my work, but in any work— the lack of clarity of what the source is, the opportunity to be imprecise.   Ideas float in the air. They come from almost anywhere. What’s important is the coherence of the work, not the coherence of the background of the work. There is always resistance.   Mirrors spoil it all. When I cover the mirrors, the result is better, and the dancers enjoy dancing more. We learn to give up old habits for better new ones. We connect to our speed, delicacy, and explosive power.   Each of us holds a treasure, but some of us have lost the key to it. The secret is to listen with your whole self.

I knew my father was in the hospital for a long time, and I knew we visited, but I didn’t remember any of it. I didn’t remember the transplant, or how long the new kidney worked. I didn’t remember my father going back into the hospital when his immune system rejected the kidney. I’d been told all of this. I knew it happened. But the memory was like a lost balloon. I let go of the string and it flew away.       What I did remember from that time was that we went to Sea World a lot. This was back in the days when tickets were cheap, and no one worried about a couple of kids wandering around an amusement park unattended.   I’d pack lunch for me and my brother, Andy. Sometimes cheese sandwiches, sometimes peanut butter and jelly. Grapes were a must. There was a grassy area next to a pond, where we’d eat our lunches and feed grapes to the swans. They swallowed them whole, and we’d watch the lumps make their slow way down the swans’ long necks.      I remember Shamu the Whale splashing the crowd. The dolphin trainer accidentally-on-purpose falling into the water to be “rescued.” Seymour the sea lion sliding across the stage to blow a party horn. It makes me sad now to think of those animals, taken from their ocean home to perform in corny shows. But I didn’t see it that way until later.      My favorite thing at Sea World was watching the pearl divers. They were the main attraction in a section of the park called the Japanese Village. Tourists bought tokens and leaned out over the water to hand them to the divers, who placed the tokens into floating wooden buckets. Then, the divers would glide across the water, bend at the waist, and, kicking their legs into the air, swim straight down. When they surfaced, they had oysters for the people who had paid for them. Afterwards, a man shucked the oysters and announced the size and color of each pearl, and the crowd applauded.      I never had money to buy a token, but I could have watched the pearl divers all day. I’d imagine myself in a white diving suit like theirs. I’d glide across the water and then swim down, my pointed toes a last salute as I dove down and down, into the silence, into the dim rippling light, searching, searching for the most-prized oyster, the one that contained the rare blue pearl.       Andy thought the pearl divers were boring. But we had a deal: he’d wait in the gift shop while I watched the pearl divers. After that, we’d do whatever he wanted.       In the gift shop, there were delicate fans, origami paper, miniature tea sets. But what I liked most were the earrings. Looking back, they were cheap souvenir earrings, but they were beautiful to me. Little shells, seahorses, tiny dolphins. I used to linger in front of the earring rack, trying to decide which I would choose if I had the money. Even though my mother had told me I couldn’t get my ears pierced until I was sixteen.        It’s funny, the things you remember. Once, I was looking at the earrings and a girl about my age came to look at them, too. Her ears were pierced with simple gold studs.       The girl was standing next to me, and her father came up behind her and put his hand on her shoulder. He was tall and wore a light blue polo shirt. He looked like the kind of father you’d see on a TV show.      “See anything you like?” he asked his daughter.      The girl picked out a pair of silver earrings shaped like little shells. Nestled inside each shell was a tiny pearl.      I watched them walk to the cashier, and I can still see the girl’s face, the way she beamed at her father as he paid for the earrings. I remember watching the father hand the money to the cashier, and noticing his arms. How muscled they looked. How strong.       I don’t remember reaching for the earrings, just that when I looked down, they were in my hand. Little silver shells with tiny pearls. The same as the ones the girl had chosen.      I remember, too, the moment I slipped the earrings into my pocket and saw Andy standing there. His mouth frozen open, his eyes wide.      “Let’s go ,” I said, and my voice seemed like it belonged to someone else.       We walked past the tourists. Past the man who sliced the oysters open. Past the pearl divers, who kept diving and offering up their treasures to smiling families.      I remember how the earrings burned in my pocket. How my eyes burned and my face burned and my ears — my unpierced ears — burned.      I forgot about those earrings a long time ago. Then, we were packing up my mother’s house to move her into assisted living. In the back of the closet of my old room, there was an old shoebox filled with photos of my father before he got sick. And at the bottom of the box I found the little shell earrings, now tarnished. And then, I remembered everything. Melissa Fitzpatrick lives in the Los Angeles area. Her work has appeared or is forthcoming in such places as  Five South, Milk Candy Review, MoonPark Review, Flash Fiction Online, Atlas + Alice, HAD, Lunch Ticket,  and  Flash Fiction Magazine.  Find more of her work at  melissa-fitzpatrick.com .

I was bullied in fifth grade, but not by other students: My teacher was the culprit, and she seemed to take special delight in tormenting me. Today I wonder if she knew I was gay decades before I did, given my obvious crush on our dazzling class president, and it revolted her. Thanks to the alphabet and our last names, I sat right across Michael who was lithe, tall, curly-haired and muscular, with blue eyes and brilliant white teeth. I was nothing like him.  Sitting in the row furthest from the door, he seemed to always live in a penumbra of light from the giant windows piercing the nearby wall of our neo-Gothic elementary school. I longed to be his friend without being able to articulate that to myself or understand it could mean something vital about who I was. Mrs. Zir must have observed me fawn over him—when I could—like the time he dropped a pencil and I stooped faster than he did so I could grab the precious yellow cylinder and hand it to him, hungry for a smile. He was kind in an off-hand way. Mrs. Zir herself was scarier than Cruella de Vil though she lacked the sharp angles and swirling robes. Muscular and six feet tall with a large, oval, sneering face and thinning gray hair trapped in a forbidding bun, she loomed above us kids like an adamantine, implacable god.  Her clothes were almost always some shade of gray that matched her hair and her derisive eyes. In a horror movie today, I think that CGI would be used to make her an alien storm cloud roiling with nauseating thunder and lightning, disguised now and then as a human being. This woman with the harsh last name stalked our classroom in big-ass sneakers you felt could crush you as easily as one of her savage, nonverbal put-downs. When she shook her head at your wrong answer to some question, that gesture said you  were hopeless and she was disgusted. Mrs. Zir seemed to especially enjoy humiliating anyone who couldn't think fast when she swept up and down the five rows of six desks each, jamming a cruel index finger your way and demanding an instant answer to a multiplication problem. "Six times six! Five times seven!"  It was a tsunami, and if you hesitated, she abandoned you to your ignorance and shame, turning instantly away to torture someone else. Just seeing her start this inquisition left me sweating and breathless because I was so anxious to begin with in her class. Arithmetic was like a black hole to me and written quizzes were my doom no matter how much I studied beforehand: hard-core proof of my inadequacy. The classroom with its scarred wooden desks--so old that they had inkwells--felt like a prison that whole year of fifth grade. Zir bullied me and anyone else whenever she got the chance. She was the queen and we were her lowly subjects, or most of us were. She had her favorites, the pretty girls and handsome boys (like Michael) whose parents apparently flattered her at parent/teacher conferences.  Mrs. Zir knew that my parents had lived in Belgium, and when she said something to my mother in French at their first parent/teacher conference, my mother acted puzzled: "What language are you speaking? It's not familiar to me."  That reply apparently left my teacher speechless. My mother relished this anecdote when she reported it to me at home because she thought Mrs. Zir was pretentious and a snob—on top of having an atrocious accent. As much as I enjoyed hearing an adult mock my teacher, I quailed inside when I heard what took place at the conference because I knew there would be revenge. It followed swiftly.  In auditions for our class's production of The HMS Pinafore , I was cast as Ralph Rackstraw, the lowly seaman in love with the captain's daughter, but Mrs. Zir barely heard a note before silencing me: "You can't sing!"  I was crushed. I could have been relegated to the chorus even if I wasn't a great singer, but instead, she gave me a prominent role and undermined it by keeping me mute onstage. Five years later, on a dirty, noisy, rattling subway heading downtown, I saw Mrs. Zir in a corner seat, as mute and grim as an Easter Island statue. She was still wearing gray and looked almost like some kind of guard the way she sat so upright. I didn't panic, and briefly thought of telling her about my good grades and how highly my teachers thought of me—and that I was in my junior high school's choir—but I just moved to another car and left her behind without catching my breath even once. Lev Raphael is the son of immigrants and is living his childhood dream of being an author.  His work has appeared in 15 languages and he has taught creative writing at Michigan State University and Regents College in London.

Peri glared at her husband before answering my question. “I always hated that dog. He loves that stupid dog more than me.” Hades returned the glare. “I’ve had Cerberus since he was a puppy. Like I was expected to give him up?” He paused for a minute and before continuing. “And as always, whenever you return from above, you act like a spoiled brat. That got tiresome centuries ago.” Peri let out an exasperated sigh. “I am NOT a brat. My parents just miss me when I’m gone, that’s all. You know how they don’t like visiting down there. You’re rude, abrasive and lord about like your shit doesn’t stink and the lesser demons treat them like trash.” I’ve been a marriage counselor for many years and have seen my share of odd couples, the normal on the surface couples, celebrity couples and everything in between. I never thought I’d be helping the gods and goddesses of ancient lore. The couple sitting across from me reminded me of that Paula Abdul song, “Opposites Attract”. She was young, beautiful, full of life, and vibrant. She didn’t have a mean bone in her body. He was older, and while he treated his wife like the Queen she was, he often came across as gruff to his minions. He still had his good looks about him, and his wife adored him. Their centuries-long marriage was rock solid when they got along. Currently, they were not. I sat across the room from them. This was the second time they had agreed to meet with me together. It was not going well. Both stubborn, each firm in their belief of being correct. I held up my hand before speaking. They knew they were being annoying. It seemed like they behaved like this because of their identity or their confidence in escaping consequences. “Let’s try something else.   You have expressed your love for one another to me. Tell your partner why you love them.” Hades and Peri glanced at me and then shared a look. “I love you because you treat me as an equal.” Said Peri. “As much as I love and miss my mother, she can be overprotective. When I’m in Hell, you value my opinions and don’t laugh at my questions. Your devils come to me for advice and respect my answers.” Hades was quiet for a bit. It had been a while since he last heard that. “I’m sorry I made you eat those damned pomegranates. I was just obsessed. I had to have you. And I’m happy that you have found happiness with me. I know this sounds silly, given where we live, but everyone down there adores you. Even the worst of the worst of my devils. You possess a wicked sense of moral judgment. I’ve seen the justice you have doled out when I’ve been away. I don’t say this often enough, but I’m impressed.” When Peri smiled at him, I understood why he fell in love with her. Her smile and her feelings came from inside, from her heart. She looked at me and admitted, “I was a brat at first. Yelling, temper tantrums, the works.” Hades nodded in agreement. He gave me that winning devil’s grin and said, “She was. I didn't help much with her adjustment down there. I was bossy. I yelled back. It took us a while to reach compromises on various things.” Grabbing on an idea, I asked, “What were the hardest things either of you had to compromise on? Who did the dishes at night after dinner (that got a laugh from both), or who was going to decide which in-law’s home to eat at for the holidays (more laughter)?” Hades spoke up, “We had to learn how to respect each other’s boundaries. Even after all these centuries, there are lines neither of us will cross. We had to learn that the hard way.” He poured more water into the glass he was drinking from and continued, “And I can’t cook for shit, so I will always do the dishes.” Peri nodded. “I hate cleaning. And I love to cook, so we got that down pat. Hades had to learn how to behave in front of my parents. He can have a temper, and yes, as I’ve said, I do as well, but he has a temper when he’s mad. But being up here is not the best place to show off that temper. It took a while for my parents to come around.” I glanced at the clock behind them on the wall. “Well, this has been a most productive hour. I am delighted at the ground we have covered. Do you have any more questions before your time is up?” Peri smiled at her husband. “Can we get a cat?”

It’s cold on your cheek as you wake up, unsure of where you are and hungover, vomit crusted on your shirt and an HK MP5 a few feet from your face. You slowly realize that what woke you up—a series of firm, but not quite painful, kicks—has stopped, and the man with the submachine gun is speaking to you. You try to concentrate, but his words just blend in with all the other sounds slowly materializing—polished steps on polished floors; a kiosk gate lifting, one side askew and scraping against its tracks; dull tones followed by duller departure announcements; a creaky rotisserie spinning a doner kebab. Despite the gun and the kicks, you move slowly, peeling your face from the floor, then putting your head in your hands and groaning before you try to get up, part of you wanting to let the groan get louder and louder until it becomes a roar that overwhelms everything else before suddenly stopping and finally leaving you in silence. You wish you could have even one more second with the cool stone soothing your matted forehead before you have to get to your feet and again add to the commotion. It can still be seen where the frayed edges of the red carpet pull back. These stairs were always the centerpiece of your grandmother’s stories about how grand this building once was. They were “marvelous” and “stunning” and “oh, you should have seen them.” Your memories will center around entering the once-palatial theater to see Jurassic Park as a dinosaur-obsessed nine-year-old. Your grandmother’s words echo in your head as you search along the edges of the old staircase, looking for places where the stone below, the stone she described in such detail, is uncovered. Years later, just before she moves to the dementia ward, you’ll inherit a print from her apartment that once hung on the theater’s walls. As a child, you always just called it the “clown picture”—a clown in front of a mirror, despair pulling his face toward the floor you looked up from; you trying to make eye contact with him as your grandmother noticed you staring. You desperately wanted to ask the clown why he was so sad while your grandmother started describing the grandiosity of the place the picture came from, images of her as a child and her shiny, black-buckled shoes echoing up the same once-polished stairs that your LA Gears would one day climb.  It’s the nicest piece of furniture you’ve ever had. The table used to be in your roommate’s family house on a lake in suburban Michigan, but now it’s here in a smoke-filled alleyway apartment. For the longest time, you’ll feel uncomfortable about how casually food wrappers, dirty socks, liquor bottles, cigarette butts, weed shake, nitrous canisters, and assortments of pills and powders build up on it. It’s hard to be casual about nice things when you’re not used to them. You’ll have gotten over that discomfort by the time you’re raging about something at 4 in the morning and smashing a wine bottle on the corner of the table. The bottle will shatter and chunks of mosaiced stone will fly from the table and into your shins. A tiny piece of glass will get stuck in your foot so that when you step just right, you’ll feel pain for months . It will become a part of you, a reminder of a fury you’re still years from overcoming. One day your skin will finally push the glass out—a shard hardly larger than a grain of sand—but you’ll still step gingerly for weeks afterward, your body expecting pain even with nothing there to hurt it anymore. It's handed to you with two neatly cut lines on it. Nobody really knows where the slab of polished rock came from anymore. It’s been passed from person to person, shitty apartment to shitty apartment to slightly nicer apartment, and so on. This will be the last time you’ll be in this one. A few weeks earlier the guy handing you the lines shared a story he wrote and asked you to edit it and you got too high and went too far, covering it with notes. You’ll later realize that you probably made him feel like shit and you’ll feel guilty about it for years. When he stops answering texts, you’ll tell yourself that sometimes people you could have sworn you cared about, and you could have sworn cared about you, were really just drug buddies destined to move on to other drugs and other buddies. You’ll convince yourself that’s okay. It’ll be another year before you hear about how deep things got for him. You’ll wonder if you’ll be there if he manages to dig himself out. You’ll wonder how much of you was really there in the first place. It's what you think of when you think of change. Not antiquities or great halls or symbols of holiness or power pushing into the sky. None of them mean as much as the echoes of this train station down the street from where you grew up. You’re 10, seeing it in disrepair before the renovation, listening to stories of how important your struggling city once was; or you’re 15, taking a train to hang out with the punk kids and smoke all day; or you’re 19, returning for the holidays, home not feeling quite like home for the first time; or you’re 33, freshly separated and on the road to divorce, your friends stalking the mezzanine half-drunk as your train pulls in; or you’re 39, driving by the façade, unable to remember the last time you stepped inside. The transitionary space will become another wistful landmark in an increasingly unknown skyline. All the steps you’ve taken through it still repeat in your head but grow more and more unfamiliar, your own echoes becoming indistinguishable from all the others. Brenden Layte is a writer, linguist, and editor of educational materials. His work has previously appeared in places like X-R-A-Y, Lost Balloon, and Pithead Chapel.  He also won the Forge Literary Magazine’s 2021 Flash Fiction Contest. He lives in Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts, and tweets at @b_layted .

It’s Monday mornin’ ‘an yer in ’t wash ’ouse dippin’ an’ wringin’ linen when I come to find you. You ignore me e’en though I’m standin’ at door plain as a pikestaff. I tug me apron down. “Master says.” I mek me voice loud as cook’s. “Master says yer to put extra starch in ’is cuffs. Cos ’e weren’t ’appy las’ time.” You look to study ’t pillowcase in yer ’ands, actin’ like I’m not ’ere, so I says it again. ”Master says yer to put extra starch in ’is cuffs.” I wait, then I says, “Master told me to tell ya.”  You look down at pillowcase an’ yer neck pinkens up. “Tart,” you say, quiet but loud enough for me to ’ear. “Whatchoo say?” I come ’tother side of you. “Who’s a tart?”  “Thee.” You look at me square, yer face bruff with the heat and sweat. “Tha’s a tart, and ’es a meathead for preferrin’ thee. Tha tart.” I fold me arms. “Tart is it,” I says.  “Know what you are? A vinegar valentine. ’Cos he’s been sweet on me fer months an’ I ain’t given ’im no comeon.”  You stand up straight. You wipe yer blashy arms wi’ a pillowcase. “’Aint gi’en ’im no comeon? I seen thee doing the big eyes. Tha’s not as green as tha’s cabbage lookin’.”   You throw the pillowcase aside.  “’An oo’s tellin’ me what to do anyways? Tha’s nobbut a kitchen maid.” “Is that right?” I point at me cap. “Under-cook, not kitchen maid, is what I am. Master says ’e’s gonna promote me, says me pies make ’im swoon.” That gets to you.  “I’ll gi’ thee swoon.” You grab yer wooden dolly from washtub and swing it wi’ both ’ands like to come sticklebutt at me. I step back quick. Then I spy bucket o’ borax reekin’ to high heaven. Just the job. I grab it, heft it to me shoulder. I gi’ it a swing an’ chuck it. Quicklicketysplit you’ve ducked. There’s a shout be’ind you and there’s Master. Afore we can say owt ’e goes down, heavy as a ham, flat on ’t floor. Bastes 'isself in a pool o' grey slime.  Laugh? You an’ me, we near piss oursels. We’re ’oldin’ each other’s arms like two lovers as the laughter peels out of us. Master’s writhin’ aroun’ an’ I know ’e’s not gonna mek me under-cook no more, but I don’t care. You ‘an me, we’ve allas been mates, allas will be. You point at Master’s claggy sleeves, an’ yer can ’ardly get words out. “’E’s got starch in ’is cuffs now.”  Sarah is a southerner living in Yorkshire who loves getting her head around Yorkshire dialect.

I almost jumped when I saw the thing but had enough decency not to. It was small and whimpering, and for a second, I thought it was a matted dog, except it didn’t have any fur. Or skin, for that matter. Instead, it was this black, writhing amorphous mound whose eyes looked like they’d been pasted on with Elmer’s glue. I tried to tell Mr. Steely, tapping his foot on my porch, that he was mistaken, that it wasn’t mine, but he and his greyhound were already walking down the driveway. And besides, as it nestled into my arms, I really didn’t want to hurt its feelings. So I took it inside and set it down on the couch beside my laundry and watched as it writhed and whined—a sound somewhere between a baby’s wail and a cat’s hiss.  “Where did you come from?” I asked. Despite its lack of shoulders, it shrugged.  Maybe it was a science experiment gone wrong. Or maybe some sort of time traveler: its eyes possessed that old, weathered look I imagined a time traveler might have. Maybe it was a puddle of oil that had come to life. From what I could tell, it didn’t have teeth or a nose. It moved in this perpetual motion sort of way, without using legs.  Anyhow, I decided to call my brother to see if he had any insights. He was a chemist in San Jose and knew about these things. After three rings, his face materialized on my phone: his screen was fuzzy, but I could make out the bushy eyebrows and tousled hair. (How he got girls—or so he claimed). He was walking briskly down a hallway while chewing a sandwich.  “Got a question for you,” I said and turned my screen to face the thing. It blinked its Elmer-glued eyes as if to reaffirm my words. “What is this?” Michael’s screen shook with his stride as he squinted at the camera. “The hell is that?” “I don’t know. I’m asking you, Mr. Genius.” Michael wrinkled his nose and told me that he’d have to take a closer look at it—which unfortunately wasn’t possible, with him being all the way over there and me being all the way over here. He asked me where I got it and what material I thought it might be made of.  “I don’t know. It’s a blob. Like just a black squirming blob.” I turned to the thing. “Right?” It nodded its head. “It’s probably not carbon-based, by the looks of it. Too liquidated to be obsidian, though it’s got obsidian’s sheen. Can you touch it and tell me how it feels?” “How it feels ?” I glanced at the blob, feeling like I should ask it for consent before sticking my fingers all over it. It didn’t give me a reaction, instead watching my hand as I drew closer to its form. I could sort of see my finger when I stuck it inside, which weirded me out a bit. It felt like I was touching liquid metal. The blob allowed me to continue probing around inside its body for a few moments, and then it hissed and stung me. I recoiled.  “I’m sorry!” I said. Michael said he could make a few guesses—some sort of gas- or plasma-based material, maybe—but he really needed to be in person to see this thing, and that wouldn’t happen until the Christmas holidays.  Nodding in resignation, I switched subjects and asked him how he’d been. He told me about work, how they were developing some new flu vaccine, and about how his toddler was in this phase where she tugged everything off the counters, which had caused the loss of three lamps and an antique clock. We talked for twenty minutes before all of the pleasant subjects were exhausted and he said he should get back to work. It’s the sort of thing that happens, I suppose when distance gets in the way of all the closeness you used to have as kids. The blob, meanwhile, seemed to have calmed down after the touch fiasco and started cuddling up to my thigh. I told Michael we should call again soon, said goodbye, and got back to my ironing.  That evening, it came to mind that the thing might need to be fed. I wasn’t sure if I should treat it like a dog, a baby, or something else entirely. I decided to try all courses of action. To preserve it some dignity in case it really was of some higher intellect, I first dished out some of my pasta onto a clean plate and set it on the table across from me, beckoning for the blob to take a seat. It looked at the plate and hissed. It did the same with the leftover fried rice. So it wasn’t fond of carbs.  Next, I tried vegetables. And then chicken tenders. And finally the leftover kibble I had from that one time I babysat my ex’s dog. It hissed and hissed and looked especially disdainful when I tried to serve it the kibble. I sighed and went upstairs to get ready for bed, hoping to think of something else to feed it while I was in the shower. I returned to the kitchen in pajamas with the idea to try non-human or -animal foods—maybe it was one of those things that ate metal—and was moderately mortified to find it sucking on one of the electrical sockets, pulses of energy garbling around its translucent insides. In slight desperation, I called up the one electrician I knew. Nick picked up on the first ring.  “It’s Meg. I think I need some electrical help.” “Shoot,” Nick chuckled, “I never thought I’d hear from you.” I had met Nick at a record store a few months ago when I had dropped a Beatles album on the ground, and we both reached to pick it up—your typical meet-cute kind of thing—and then he asked, “Haven’t I seen you around before?”  And because I would’ve remembered meeting a guy with a good haircut and Paul Rudd eyes, I said, “Is that supposed to be a pickup line?” He grinned and nodded and then explained to me that he was an electrician and his building was just down the street, and gave me his card, and said I should ring him up if I ever wanted an electrical rewiring or a dinner date—or both. I tried to explain to him about the blob eating my electricity, but obviously, that didn’t sound very sane over the phone, so I told him he had better come take a look.  “But you can wait until tomorrow,” I said. “It’s late.” He told me not to worry about it, said that he was a night owl anyway, and was at my doorstep in thirty minutes, his bomber jacket slung over one shoulder. I ushered him into the kitchen, where the blob was still slogging away at my power socket. Nick squatted down by the socket and opened his toolbox. He procured a set of pliers and an insulated screwdriver and set to work prying the thing off my wall. Despite the apparent difficulty of the job, he worked with surprising grace. When he finally succeeded in the task, he remarked, “You got yourself a pretty spirited friend here.”  The blob nestled into his arms and whistled happily, its insides still crackling. And then it belched and threw up on the floor and all over Nick’s shirt. Nick laughed as I insisted on cleaning it up, trying to rub napkins over the mess. He said it was alright, that he would just go home and change, and packed up his tools and left.  ____ The next day, I cleared the morning’s dishes and helped the blob onto the electrical socket before heading out for work.  “Be good, okay? You can eat all the electricity you’d like. Just don’t chew through the TV cord.” The next-door neighbor’s kid was vaping out on the driveway. I remembered when we were younger—and my house belonged to my parents instead of me—how he used to have droves of his friends over. I used to sit on the curb, watching them play basketball and skateboard over homemade ramps. The sudden nostalgia propelled me towards him, slouching against his parents’ old Honda. A waft of artificial watermelon enveloped my senses as I greeted him. He nodded his head at me. He had grown a beard since I last remembered seeing him.  “Well, how’ve you been?” I asked. My gaze settled awkwardly on his left eyelet piercing. He grunted, jutting his chin at my house. “That a new pet or something you got in there?” “Huh?” “The thing I saw in the window last night, kind of shifty looking. New pet?” “Uh. Something like that.” I wanted to say more. I had hoped to connect with him, though I wasn’t sure how. Maybe I could recount the time he spent an afternoon teaching me to skateboard. My brother was gone to university by then, and I must’ve looked extra forlorn sitting on the curb that day because he called me to join him and his buddies. We’d sort of been friends then, hadn’t we? But he was already looking away, and besides, I didn’t know how to properly segue into the story. I wasn’t sure he remembered, anyway. He didn’t have his friends over much anymore. So I nodded my head awkwardly and went on my way. I decided to pay Nick a visit before going to work to apologize for last night’s mess. I realized I hadn’t even paid him for his services, and to be honest, I was kind of afraid that he wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me after last night. And I guess I wanted him to want to have something to do with me. An elderly man led me through the sparse halls of the electrician building to an office in the back. Nick looked up from the files on his desk. He seemed more rigid here than in my house or at the record shop.  But then he smiled and spun his chair to hop out of it, and the relaxed demeanor sunk back into his body. “Well, look who it is. How’s your friend doing?”  “That’s just why I wanted to come see you,” I said and handed him a fifty-dollar bill. I didn’t know how much an electrician usually cost, let alone for a job like last night’s.  Nick shook his head, folding the bill back into my palm. I looked at his hand over mine and spouted abruptly, “I’d like to go to dinner with you. That is if the offer still stands.” Nick grinned. “I thought you’d never ask.” We made plans for Tuesday night and exchanged a few extra pleasantries before I said I needed to get to work. I left feeling fairly satisfied with the interaction.  ____ The blob and I lived in relative harmony for the next two months. It seemed content to writhe around, hiss every so often, and suck the electricity out of my house. When I came home, we’d watch TV. It was especially intrigued by the evening news.  One Friday night, the blob started churning—and not its usual, electrified churn—but a sort of violent shaking overtook it. Nick and I—we were seeing each other regularly by now, since we’d hit it off that Tuesday evening—were making dinner, and Nick saw it first. “It’s having a seizure!” he yelped.  “What do we do?” I said, panic rising in my voice. I hadn’t seen it shake like this before and thought it looked horrifically in pain.  “Get a humidifier! You can suck static out with a humidifier.” “I don’t have a humidifier!”  “We need to neutralize him somehow! It’s all that electricity!” I looked around wildly for anything that might neutralize electricity and, in one madcap effort, ended up throwing my living room rug on the blob. It fizzled, its body writhing under the heavy material, until finally, it stopped seizing. It slipped out from under the rug like black, electric blood, its eyes sliding out last. When it finally re-formed, it wheezed.  “Crickets,” it said. “Crickets! Crickets!” Nick and I looked at each other and gasped.  It didn’t say anything other than “crickets,” and very soon, it was completely back to normal—save for the fact that it repeated the word all through dinner and all through our movie.  ____ It was church the next day. The stage’s blue lights glowed reverently, and the AC was on full blast. I sat in the back pew and listened to the sermon: today, the preacher had decided to bare his soul to us about his recent divorce. He talked about the loneliness he felt, about how God had gotten him through it, how God was greater than all our obstacles. I hadn’t been seriously religious in quite some time (I went to church so I could tell my parents I went to church), but I watched as he paced back and forth on the stage, and I listened to the occasional “Amen” from the crowd and sometimes an “Amen, hallelujah.”  And then suddenly I was crying. Something just opened up inside me like a cavern, this big gaping hole in my body, and everything collapsed into it.  It was the same feeling I got when there was nothing to do on Friday nights when I usually ended up taking a long walk or putting on a movie I didn’t really want to watch. Maybe this was how the blob felt, and this was why it had to suck in all that power all the time: to keep it full. It must be a miserable existence, if that was the case. The elderly lady sitting in front of me turned around and handed me a tissue. I wiped my eyes and left the church, feeling vacant.  I was eating sushi takeout, and the blob was siphoning its electricity, much less distressed than the previous night. I paused for a moment, my chopsticks midway to my mouth. The blob sensed this and paused, too, and glanced at me.  The thought flashed before me for a second that the blob must be a metaphor for my loneliness, and it had come to fill the cavern of emptiness inside me. But that was bullshit. The creature had been with me for over two months, and the only thing it had changed in my life was the obscene cost of my electric bill. It kept on looking at me but didn’t make any sounds. In fact, it remained completely still. It didn’t go back to the electricity; it didn’t hiss; it didn’t even belch out “crickets.” I wondered if it could read my thoughts.  ____ Everything seemed fine for a couple of weeks. And then on Thursday, I was squeezing into my work shoes when I looked across the hall and noticed that the blob wasn’t at its preferred socket by the kitchen table.  “Hey, buddy?” I called. I had taken to calling it buddy, like it was a kid or a dog, although I’m not really sure it liked that. Still, it had become habitual. I checked all the sockets downstairs and then checked upstairs, too, even though the blob had never climbed the stairs. I checked under the couches and in the cupboards and underneath the rugs. It had shown no interest in going outside before, but just in case, I checked the front porch. And then I saw it.  It was latched onto the fence I shared with my next-door neighbor, chewing on the ivy. Half the vines were devoured by the time I got to it, and the other half were turning brown and decaying on the ground.  “What do you think you’re doing?” I scolded, incredulous. I tried to pull it off, but it hissed louder than I’d ever heard it hiss before. Its insides glowed with electricity and leaves. “You can’t touch that. The neighbors will kill me.” But it kept on doing its thing, churning and eating and churning and eating. I pulled and pulled, and it kept on hissing at me and even stung me—something it hadn’t done since our first encounter. Defeated, I jumped back and said, “You’d better be back in the house by the time I get back, or else.” I didn’t really know what would happen “or else,” but it felt like the appropriate thing to say. I got in my car and drove to work, stopping by Nick’s office to drop off lunch. He asked me how the blob was doing, and I admitted that it was eating the neighbor’s plants. I couldn’t stop thinking about the blob chewing off my neighbor’s whole garden and screwed up my lines at the monthly corporate meeting. By the time I drove home, I had resolved to knock on the neighbor’s door and ask as bravely as I could for forgiveness on the blob’s behalf. I peeked at the wreckage. All the ivy, which had once covered most of the fence, was either chewed off or dead. The begonias in the front had experienced some damage, too. I steeled myself before getting out of my car and crossing the lawn. But standing on the porch, I heard shouts inside and quickly realized I had come at a bad time. I was about to turn away and come back later when the door flew open to reveal the neighbor kid, his face red and angry. His mother—the one I had come to apologize to—followed him outside. “Honey, please. I’m just trying to do what’s best for you. You don’t have time. Come on, honey, don’t be like this. Where are you going?” “I’m getting out of your hellhole,” he said, vape stick dangling from his mouth, hands clenched into fists. He jammed the car door open and revved up the engine. I stood in my place, startled and uncomfortable. He skidded out of the driveway and into the street, around the bend. His mother was left standing on the porch, her eyes brimming with tears.  She turned to me. “He doesn’t have time,” she said. “He’s got no time.” I glanced at the fence, which now looked naked without all the ivy leaves, and then back to her. “What do you mean, he doesn’t have time? Doesn’t have time to do what?” “Everything,” she sobbed. “It’s all wasting away.” I sidled towards her, hesitantly placing a hand around her shoulder. She didn’t move, so I left it there. “It’s not wasting away. I mean, he’s still young. He’s still got a lot ahead of him.” She shook her head and wiped her tears with the heel of her palm. “That’s not what I mean.” “What do you mean, then?” She looked at me with new eyes, then, and seemed to finally register that she was speaking to a vague acquaintance. She took a breath. “I’m sorry. What did you need, sweetheart?” I glanced at her, a little confused. And then I remembered what I had come for. “The vines. Your ivy. It’s gone. My...pet ate it. And I just wanted to apologize. I feel really bad about it.” She wiped her nose again and looked over at the fence, and then suddenly, she laughed. The sound bubbled out of her gut, which must’ve held a dozen laughs of a similar brand. “All this, and you’re worried about a little ivy?” “I feel really bad,” I repeated. “I can buy you a new plant if you want. I’m not really a green thumb, but I can probably buy some ivy from a—from a plant dealer or whatnot, and I’ll be careful to make sure that the blob—the pet—doesn’t get to it again, and—” “Sweetheart,” she interrupted, “calm down.” The tears were still running down her cheeks. I thought about her son who had just sped away in a rusty Honda, her son who used to skateboard in the street with his friends, who taught me tricks and teased me about the shape of my nose. “Please don’t worry about the plant,” she said. And then she wrapped her arms around me in a big hug, sinking into my shoulders. Please don’t worry about your son , I wanted to say. But of course I didn’t. And of course, she would. I wandered back into the house, sort of dazed from the interaction, to find the blob completely spazzing out. It glitched from one socket to the next, a bundle of shock and blob and leaf. It turned blue, then red, then purple and then went back to black and lept all over the house like it was teleporting its body through the electrical sockets. “Crickets, crickets,” it screeched.  I tried to pull it out of the sockets, but it was moving too fast, its blob form whizzing through the walls and the air. Its stomach kept glitching. In a moment of relative calm, when it was stuck to just one socket, I glimpsed something flickering in its eyes, something playing like a movie. A movie of the future. I quickly realized it wasn’t my future, but the neighbor kid’s.  I saw the neighbor’s house and then a convenience store. Then I saw the neighbor kid working at the store, getting married, having three mini neighbor kids, and teaching the mini kids how to skateboard. And then, the three mini neighbor kids grew up and had mini mini neighbor kids in a new house somewhere in the city. And on and on like that until there was one great- great- great- grand-neighbor kid running out of a futuristic flying house.  I was only shaken out of my trance when the montage flickered. And then the blob squirmed and blinked—and with one last “crickets” cry, disappeared into the electrical socket by the kitchen table.  Months passed, and then a year, and then some. I hoped the blob would return, but it never did. So I went on with my job and kept on dating Nick. Michael came home for Christmas. Nick and I had an amicable break-up. I started dating Cindy. I broke up with Cindy and moved to a different city for work.  One summer evening, years later, I walked past a scrawny, tired-looking guy leaning against the rails of a skatepark. He was cheering on his kid, this little girl making her wobbly descent down a skate ramp. I thought about the neighbor kid. I thought about the blob. And I decided, fondly, that the blob must’ve been a time traveler. I waved at the guy standing by the skatepark, who gave me a sheepish smile. In the hot breeze, the cicadas chirped. Alannah Tjhatra is a student and writer currently based in California. Her short stories have previously been published in The Roadrunner Review and Glass Mountain Magazine.

I saw the true face of humanity– Masses gathering, phones alight, Recording, photographing the scene, Loudly, excitedly chattering about The tragedy that erupted around 10:30 p.m. that dreadful Wednesday Night, but my ears nor eyes caught A single person asking if everyone Involved was okay, if they had survived On that dreadful Wednesday Night when I stepped into the living room, Saw my wife with her ear to the open Window, curtain trembling with the late- -August breeze, summoning me to come, Listen to the popping, a sound that fell to Our ears as indistinguishable between Fireworks and the gunshots someone In the neighborhood sent crackling Into the sky on random nights such as these, And as we opened our front door to witness The whoosh of flame from several doors Down, popping turning to explosions, A fire raging from a neighbor’s home, A question of why the police, fire department Hasn’t yet shown-up, if anyone has called them, And shadowy visions of my wife immediately On her phone to Report the grisly scene, police, the local Fire department showing up minutes later, The face of humanity beginning to morph From ghoulish to promising and back again As hopelessness sets in, rises, wafts Like the all-consuming flames, the reminder Of how swiftly all we have and all we have Worked our lives for could be taken from us By a terrible accident, an act from the Undiscerning hand of fate as I, too, Stop, stare, horrified, wordless, sickness Twisting in my gut, feeling the anxiety that Would captivate my fleeting slumber that night, I recognize that, I too, carry the alternately Sad, hideous, and occasionally uplifting Mask of our collective actions— I, too, am the face of humanity. Andrew Buckner is a multi award-winning poet, filmmaker, and screenwriter. His short dark comedy/horror script Dead Air!  won Best Original Screenwriter at the fourth edition of The Hitchcock Awards. Also a noted critic, author, actor, and experimental musician, Buckner runs and writes for the review site AWordofDreams.com .

I just learned more about this composer, Schubert, yesterday.  I was trying a new song in my lesson, and my cello teacher filled me in about the guy, (he does that all the time).  At first, I thought he was showing off or trying to gain clout with my mom, who often flits through the lesson, trying to be unobserved, but that wasn’t it.   After multiple lessons, I got it.  Mister B constantly lives all this music stuff, the composers, the instruments, all the crazy theory, it all.  He’s kind of obsessed that way and I get it.  It’s like me with Minecraft.  So, about this Schubert, whose song I was learning, “He’s kind of a savant,” Mr. B said. I guess he should have said he was a savant because Schubert was born like two hundred twenty-five years ago, in 1797.  He died in 1828, when he was 31 years old, and my teacher said “He was so young.”  I guess to him he was, since Mr. B is like over 50, but to me 31 is more than twice my age, and that sounds like another lifetime to me.  So not that young, maybe. Mr. B calling this Schubert a “savant” confused me.  Of course, I didn’t ask about it, but then Mr. B said he rarely left his house, lived with his father, but he wrote seven effing symphonies.  Do you know how long a symphony is?  Because I do, as mom made me sit through an entire one for extra cred in my cultural appreciation class.  (Sometimes it sucks to have your mom as one of your teachers). Seven symphonies.  I guess he didn’t often go out to hear them played.  Then my cello teacher said he also wrote 600 vocal works, 2 operas, and lots and lots of sacred music which I can’t really get the weight of, but it sounds like a lot of work and a lot of time. We worked on the song “An die Musik”, and the name is pretty self-explanatory, German to English, “To Music”.  Maybe I should have picked German to learn instead of stupid Hindi, just because dad comes from Jaipur. “To the Music” was pretty simple on the cello.  I got to work on my second and third positions a bit, but Mr. B penciled fingerings also in first and fourth, my faves, so yay.  It was actually kinda cool, the way it sounded.  I went over it a few times and I tried to get it pretty fixed in my head since I hadn’t heard it before.  I like to know where the notes are going and how they should sound before I play them so I don’t make stupid mistakes. I make enough mistakes in life just from being on this “spectrum.”  You put your fingers up to make quote marks here.  So.  Autism is the word people think but don’t say as much as “spectrum”, with the quotes, which doesn’t really clarify anything, in my opinion. And I’m thinking this Schubert was maybe on this “spectrum” but maybe they didn’t call it that back then.  They maybe used words like savant or I don’t know, but I’m sure they had them.  I think a lot of us passionate people end up in some category that folks come up with to lump us all together so they can describe us with words that aren’t so judgey, like weirdo and all. The more I thought about this Schubert, as I played along with those notes that had come out of his brain, the more I felt akin to him.  Do  you like that word akin?  Means I’m almost like related to him.  After the lesson I went to play Minecraft because I have a big session with Kirby and Colin coming up and Minecraft is one of my biggest passions.  I think my mom hoped the cello would replace Minecraft, but that’ll never happen.  Even though I like cello a lot. In my room, in my game cave, I googled that Schubert.  I thought I might like to hear his song, “to music” again, but I just kept running into other works by him.  Mr. B was right, he wrote a ton.  I did take note of his other names besides Schubert though.  Names are important to me.  I remember  the names of everyone I ever met, including like, waiters at restaurants, and all the teachers and staff at school, which sometimes drives my mom crazy, because my dad’s always asking me everybody’s name on the few times he meets us at school functions, like plays and concerts and sporting events that my sister, Kiara, is all about.  Not me, not a sporty kind of guy.  Then my dad, says “Hello  good to see you” to this and that person, saying their name and smiling.  I guess mom thinks I make it too easy for my dad to look like he’s paying attention when he’s really just kinda an iPad dad. So, Schubert’s whole name string is Franz Peter Schubert.  He’s basically from Austria, well to be specific, between 1867 and 1918 Austria was allied with Hungary and they called it the Austro-Hungarian Empire, which collapsed 10 years before our Franz Peter Schubert died of disputable causes, which I’m not going to go into here. Because I want to get to the nut of all this before 4:15 pm PST where I have to be ready and geared up for Minecraft with my friend Kirby, which happens at 4:30, exactly. Back to the Music, and Franz, and me, and the nut of this story.  Not to digress, again, but the nut of a cello is a raised piece of wood where the fingerboard meets the pegbox, which the strings rest on.  It matters a lot, in cello playing, because if it’s too high, it makes the cello much harder to play.  That’s why I care about the nut.  Also, because I care about words, a lot.  Nut, and nutty is what I’ve heard about me, when I’m stimming a bit, and people don’t know I hear them, but I do, in a piece of my brain that is set on record for later. Tic, tic, tic, I know, time’s fleeting, keep moving forward. An die Musik-- to Music.  After my lesson, I kept trying to capture that tune, like I told you, but it kept flying away from me because it wasn’t predictable, like a pop jam, a rock song, or a folk tune would be.  There are these 16 measures where nothing’s related, but somehow it all fits together.  I don’t know, it kept flying away from me and I wanted to pin it down before I went to sleep yesterday night.   I noticed Mischa Maisky, (my fave cellist, along with Shaku, naturally) plays it on YouTube and then pops the repeat up an octave, which surprised me in a good way.   So, I’m plugged in, got my earbuds in, and I keep listening to Maisky’s version, (An die Musik, D. 547 (Op.88/4), listening over and over again, whenever I can. Not at dinner—family rule, no earbuds at the table, no devices in fact, which is so unfair, but I guess I get it, the only time we’re together (except for dad), to talk and stuff, “bond” I guess.  I don’t know, without dad, it’s so different. But back to the nut of things.  On and off during the day I guess I listened to the song seven or eight, maybe ten times, and I still didn’t have it.  Then, as I was brushing my teeth before bed, I put it on for one more time, then my earbuds went out of power.  So, I held the phone up to my ear.  My sister, Kiara, was already in bed, close enough to yell out, ”Alok, turn down that music.”  She’s getting ready for some kind of hurdling meet or, thing.  So, I turned “An die Musik” down to a quiet buzz and pressed the phone against my ear with my left hand, while brushing with my right hand, and the vibrations swept through my skull as I brushed along with the piano accompaniment, beat, beat, beat, and the melody of the cello took flight and soared all over the galaxy of my brain, around the shooting stars, swirling in and out of planets and meteors and everything.  I was in a space trance and the music took me into “An die Musik” until I got lost in it.  Thank you, Maestro Schubert, thank you Mr. B.  Sometimes I wish you were my dad, but then I banish those thoughts, because, well, it’s not right, not okay, not fair.  But sometimes I can’t help it.  My dad told me life’s not fair, and I guess he’s right, but I wish I could share some little things with him like I share music with Mr. B, like Kiara shares sports with him. And now the song ends and my teeth are way too clean, so I’m off to bed.  Putting the phone away but it’s still vibrating.  Did I not get out of YouTube?  Yes, it looks like I did, but then why do I still hear it?  Lifting it to my ear, I hear it faintly, quietly, rhythm not stopping, melody flying.  Wait a minute.  Now I’m turning the actual phone off.  I do this but I still feel  the buzz, like a car pumping a bass line, driving by.  But this is different, like that, but not.    This is the music in me, in my head, in my cells, not a memory but a continuance.  Not a device, but my neurodivergent brain singing along with what, Franz Peter Schubert?  Or did the music take over the authorship of whatever is still singing in my head? It wasn’t scary, at least not yet.  Not like alien radio signals in your tooth fillings, but like an integral part of the ongoing inner workings of my body.  Because it drifted now, from my ears into my cosmic brain, down my spine, and mingling into my arms and legs and feet and hands.  Could I sleep with all this going on? I wondered, and  I tucked into my lower bunk, turned off the light, and settled into sleep.  Three deep breaths, ins and outs, and I remember nothing else until this morning when I heard Kiara doing her squats and burpees in her bedroom next to mine. And I heard the music.  Low level, yes, but still moving through me.  It felt like it had been playing all night, and I wondered what it might feel like to hear this and play it on the cello.  Would it change depending on what I was playing, or would it tune out and disappear?  I didn’t want it to disappear. Since I can remember I have owned multiple pairs of noise canceling head phones.  From when I was a baby, random noises were always a problem for me.  The Roomba was the first monster I remembered.  It came chewing into my room one day when I was still in my crib and it felt like the noise was beating up my head.  Mom said I was two years old, and I don’t remember anything before that, but I remember the Roomba monster. After that, they got me puffy head phones and any time they took me out they kept them close, in case of loud repeating noise.  Like if I was in the stroller and we passed a street fair with loud music, the headphones brought me peace and quiet.  I always felt like they were safety marshmallows against the monster chewing noises that randomly happen in the world. But weirdly, maybe, now, this ongoing “Musik” is nothing like that at all.  It stays with me, but quietly, like I turned the volume way down, unless I pay attention to it, and then like holding my phone to my ear, I feel the vibration and it gets as loud as I want. I’m enduring school now, but I can’t wait to get home to play.  Not Minecraft this time, but cello, especially this song from Franz Peter Schubert’s head to my head.  School is as normal as it ever gets for me, but better today because I have this secret power that only I know about, and it makes me smile.  Smile inside, not all over my face like a clown.  And I think it helps calm me down when stuff happens, like it always does, with bells ringing, and people bellowing, and cheerleaders cheering, like they always do.  It’s not muffled, like my headphones, it’s bright and singing, that same song, “An Die Musik” but I’m not getting sick of it, rolling on and on, like a river that keeps flowing beneath  my thoughts.. When we get home Kiara goes directly to her room to study so she can meet up later with friends at tennis practice.  She’s on the school team, and she’s either #1 or #2 out of 12 contenders, depending on a lot of things she is not afraid to share with us. I get my cello, and start the B major scale, just to get the notes in order before I start up, just to feel my fingers feel the right place on the fingerboard, to get the slide of the strings.  They make my fingers tingle today, those notes running non-stop in my head and my fingers perfectly follow them through the scale, like walking up the stairs behind them, at first, but then after working my way up and down three octaves, my bow picks up the rhythm and the melody of Franz Peter Schubert’s song, and I follow along without reading any notes on the page.  I follow along, even when his song “To the Music”, swirls into measures from his other songs, like “The Wanderer,” or “Ave Maria”, and others I never heard before.  At least I assumed they were his songs.  Who’s playing these I wonder, Schubert or me?  Because I feel propelled, like I was seven years old, dancing with my mother, when she’d spin me around, and my feet were dancing the steps, but her force was moving me.  It was so fun with my mom, but when dad tried to do it, it didn’t work so well.  I stumbled over my feet and he ended up swinging me in the air like a ball on a string and it scared me.  We never got our steps together, dad and me, and now he’s not just separated by work trips, but he lives separately too.  Mom is calling it a “trial separation”, but I don’t see anyone trying anything.  Kiara and I go visit on weekends and they play tennis for hours, sweating and whacking balls interminably. You like that word?  I just added it to my word collection.  It means they don’t stop; they just keep going at it, while I just play Minecraft on my own. Nothing against Minecraft, you know, my biggest obsession, I play it any time I can, but dad has no interest, and I might as well be home in my game cave, and a lot more comfy, because there’s zero interaction with dad here.  I mean, he and Kiara may have been interacting in a tennis game, but dad just asks me questions about school and I can never say much, because I don’t think he’s listening.  Dad and I don’t sync.  Suddenly the notes in my head take a deep diminuendo, and it feels like time for a cello break.  I look at my timer and it dings.  I’ve been playing nonstop for fifty-five minutes.  I guess I should say, we’ve been playing, Franz Peter Schubert and I have been playing “An die Musik” and more.  I loosen my bow and pack it into my case, then my cello, snapping all 8 silver snaps.  We have a recital this evening at one of Mr. B’s other student’s houses that has a big room they call a salon and devote only to music.  They have a nice Steinway and a little platform and music stands, so groups of Mr. B’s students can play, trios or duets, and such.  Mr. B plays the piano parts sometimes.  He’s pretty good at a lot of instruments, along with his super cello powers. So tonight, after school, I took my cello to dad’s place, which I never do, but since the recital was in his neighborhood it made sense.  For the first time he was coming with me instead of mom, and for the first time that didn’t even bother me.  Normally I don’t like to play with him anywhere nearby, cause it makes me think about messing up, and then I do mess up, majorly.  See, dad used to play guitar, back in Boston, when he was in college, but now his guitar just hangs on the wall at his place and he never touches it.  He always looks like he’s in pain when he hears bad music, and when I was first starting out with the cello, he had to leave the room when I practiced.  You can see why I don’t like to play around him. But today, with Franz Peter Schubert singing away in my head, letting me play along with him, I am just into the music and no fear.  It’s not like I can’t concentrate on other things, like homework and dinner, and talking and stuff, the thing is I have this background loop, rolling around in a quite relaxing fashion.  I have to say, it doesn’t scare me at all.  In the very beginning, when it didn’t go away, it felt a little weird, like something in my brain was stuck on repeat, but now it keeps changing and it makes me calm like my puffy headphones but much better.  Dad and I get to the “salon” where they’re having the recital and I’m calm and buzzy at the same time.  I go and sit with the other students on the benches in front and dad slips into the comfy chairs with random other parents. Mr. B. goes over the performance order with us and makes sure we’re all cool with it.  I usually hide somewhere in the middle of it all, but tonight I ask Mr. B. if I can go last, because I don’t want my dad tapping his foot and looking impatient while all the “not his kid” students play after I’ve already played.  Not that he’s done that at a recital before, since this is his first, but I know how nervous he makes me feel when he’s impatient, and I want to enjoy this, and only think about the music. Mr. B looks surprised, but says sure, and I settle in for the duration.  Funny thing though, as Shaniqua plays “The Swan” and then Angelo plays “Arioso”, I hear them with my ears, while at the same time, “An die Musik” twirls around their notes, in a kind of wispy way that’s interesting to me and reassuring, even when the players make mistakes, which of course they do.  No biggie.  Six more students present their work, a couple of duets by the twins, and finally we come to me.  Mr. B. sits down at the piano with the accompaniment music, but I don’t even put my music on the stand.  I know all of this by now, up and down, and all around.  I plan to play it through once, and then go up an octave for the repeat.   Mr. B will be proud, he nods and we begin.  It’s like playing, for sure, but again more like dancing to that music that’s swelling up in my head.  I sway a bit with the cello, I close my eyes and feel my way along with the song.  It’s  pure happy.  I looked up the lyrics but they were all in German so I found a translation of the poem that Franz Peter Schubert based the music on.  I don’t remember it all, but it talked about how during the gray hours, when life’s wild circle entangles him, music transports him to a better world.  And at the end, he talks directly to music and he says, “You, beautiful art, thank you for that.”  And as I’m playing, I’m singing it out in my heart, thank you, music, you beautiful art. Mr B. has stopped playing the piano, and he’s looking at me but I can’t stop myself from playing, and I’m playing my thanks too, for this new gift of music in me, and I’m crying a bit, so when I notice that, I do a few arpeggios, still in the key of B major where I started, and then I taper off on a long, long, note. The clapping is very, very, loud.  Normally I might put my hands over my ears, but tonight it doesn’t even matter, with the quiet music still flowing inside me. I look over at my dad to see if he’s clapping and he is, but he’s crying too and I don’t know what to think about that.  We head out; Mr. B gives me a big high five on the way out and says, “You’ve reached a new level in the game.”  I laugh, because I feel happy. We drive home to dad’s and on the way, we don’t say much, but it still feels good.  Dad says, “I didn’t know you could scat like that.”  I don’t really know what he means by that, but it sounds good so I plan to look it up later. When we get back home dad asks if I’m tired or if I want to play a little more.  Strange as it is, I’m not tired at all and yes, I do want to play more.  We go into the living room, and for the first time since he’s been there, I watch dad take his guitar off the wall.  I’m unsnapping my cello case, but I hear him blow some dust off the strings and he strums a chord.  It’s all out of tune, no surprise there, and he sits down and begins tuning it all up. Dad’s good at tuning; he used to do it for me when I was nine and new to cello.  Then, of course, he’d leave the room.  But now, he’s tuning his guitar to my cello, and he says “go ahead, I’ll follow you.”  So, I go ahead, it’s as if I never stopped and somehow it just feels natural and nice to have dad finger-picking along.  He’s doing a bit of what the piano played, but he’s doing his own kind of playing along too, and I feel like the music is taking over the two of us and making us one song. We go on and on, and we don’t stop, until my phone rings and it’s mom, wondering how it all went.  I talk to her a little and she asks about all the other students and their pieces.  Dad goes to the kitchen and comes back with ice tea for him and that coconut drink I like mixed with ginger ale.  I didn’t realize how thirsty I was.  Mom says, “Okay, I’ll let you go.”  Dad reaches for the phone but I’ve already hung up.  Somehow, for once, it feels good being just us.  He lifts his glass of tea and makes a toast.  “To the music,” he says.   I raise up my glass, clink his, and to the music, I say, “Thank you.”  Meredith England-Markun was born in Panama where she grew up in a temporary clearing now being reclaimed by the jungle. She lives in Seattle and co-founded the School of Alliance Program at the Richard Hugo House, an urban writing center. She is a winner of the Mendocino Coast Writers Conference Poetry Contest.

Rochester  We walked across the bridge to Genesee    but didn’t walk into the brewery.     Then we walked further, a little later, a mile down the endless dock above   the lake. We ate the same breakfast two days in a row. I needed a break       from work and another dull birth   day. It was selfish, I know. That four     hour drive into a simpler time               across the hungry sea. The Mass Marketing Email Says We Will Miss You After I Smash That Unsubscribe Link Bye-bye blue beaches underneath a copywriter’s fingertips! I am feeling filthy enough typing my own contributions to the downfall of everything. The keyboard sounds juicy if you just listen. Zesty. Squishing lemons. Releasing shift ’s a loud clicker. A double jump for a healthier life, somersaulting upwards, get jacked!  I wish there were a supplement to supplant my depression. They will keep trying. I am alive enough  to receive burnt-out transmissions. Home I whistle in the neighborhood shade where pennies shimmer on the sidewalk, stars. I could call this home forever–  or as long as anything lasts. Nothing  thrills me more than you, I know,  wherever we go. To speak of my dream of leaving for a state of bluegrass and bourbon– a place to start anew and air is sweet with a little kick– I want to come home  to another home where trumpets blare  and the cabinets are full of angel hair,  where I can open the window at night. James Croal Jackson is a Filipino-American poet who works in film production. His latest chapbooks are A God You Believed In  (Pinhole Poetry, 2023) and Count Seeds With Me  (Ethel Zine & Micro-Press, 2022). Recent poems are in The Garlic Press, Glint,  and Triggerfish.  He edits The Mantle Poetry  from Nashville, Tennessee. ( jamescroaljackson.com )