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Some self-labeled “patriots” and other conservatives rage against truthful and complete history and access to books that explore and acknowledge the existence of racism in our country, allegedly because they don’t want children to feel uncomfortable. It’s pretty clear though, that they are only worried about how white kids feel. I’ve heard zero concern for what Black children experience, especially those in predominantly white institutions. I was one of those kids a lifetime ago and unfortunately the terrain can be as treacherous for some now as it was back then. In 1964 Ellen and I were the first Black students to enter the hallowed hallways of Winsor, a private school for girls in Boston. We didn’t realize the weight of history we carried in our 10-year-old bodies. A half century later and three years before she passed away, I asked Virginia Wing what possessed her to revolutionize Winsor in her first few months as headmistress. She told me she was influenced by the relationship with her Black nanny as well as by her minister father who sometimes exchanged pulpits with an African American pastor. When she brought up the idea of admitting Black students to the school no one opposed her, so through a series of connections, Ellen’s parents and mine answered the call. They seized the opportunity for us to have a solid education, a rarity for many African American children in Massachusetts at that time. Ellen remembers we took the entrance exam in the school library, just the two of us. At one point she heard urgent chatter from behind where we sat and turned to see white girls pointing and saying, “Look at the Negroes taking the test.” It was then, Ellen notes with residual sadness that she “knew what it was like to be an animal in a zoo.” Although my memory of that day has faded, I trust Ellen’s because the edges of her hurt remain sharp. We passed the entrance test but Winsor was not ready for us and we were not ready for Winsor. Our world consisted of day-to-day survival tactics. White girls asked things they dared not ask the only other Black people in their lives --maids and chauffeurs. Questions like: “Why is the outside of your hands darker than the inside?” or “Can you wash the brown color off?” The adults weren’t much better. When invited to a classmate’s home, her mother asked me if I wanted to sing “We Shall Overcome” before dinner. I was only ten years old and stumbled a confused “no” that probably sounded more like a question or an apology. By 1969 there was a grand total of five black “Winsor girls” (Pam M and Marilyn joined our class and Pam B, a year older, joined the class ahead of ours.) That term - Winsor girl, an oxymoron of sorts, was fraught for us. Ellen says because she never could, she ultimately no longer wanted to be one. I, on the other hand, pretended my hair hung lank against the sides of my face and refused to acknowledge the mirror’s betrayal. I still don’t know how to swim due to that betrayal even though proficiency at it was a graduation requirement. I couldn’t bear the thought of the white girls discovering that my hair, when it touched water, turned into a giant brillo pad. For a time I questioned whether there was anything beautiful at all about my Blackness even though my parents tried their best to ground me and my siblings in the richness of our culture (we were surrounded by Black art, Black professionals, Black books and more). As a teen trying to fit in at school, though, the notion of Black beauty was not front and center. In the mid to late 1960s Winsor haute couture was plaid kilt skirts worn with bare legs and loafers. (Pants were unthinkable.) We Black girls took public transportation to school – two or three buses for an hour each way – and we weren’t allowed to leave home bare-legged in the winter. So Pam M and I removed our tights on the bus but our knock-off kilts, exposing ashy legs jammed into orthopedic loafers, were tragic imitations. Pam B, leap years wiser as well as older, set us straight when she began rocking an Afro and wearing African daishikis rather than sweating white girl outfits. Soon the rest of us sprouted proud afros too. My father didn’t hide his disdain (“Awful!” he’d grunt with a head shake) but I forged ahead, ready to grow into the Black pride I craved. In many ways school was not a safe place for us but we didn’t know it at the time. Though absorbed into our psyches, some of the difficult memories have dimmed but each of us can recall an incident that still stirs up a battering ram of emotion more than 50 years later. My nemesis was Huck Finn. For some reason, we often had to read paragraphs aloud in English class. I prayed I wouldn’t get a passage that contained the two most dreaded of words: Nigger Jim - but lo and behold, there they were taunting and menacing. I remember how jagged and insistent my heartbeat became, how I planned for my tongue to skate across and render them inaudible, how desperately I didn’t want to cry. When I said the words, despite the softness of my voice, it was as if I were Nigger Jim and the whole class knew it. The teacher never even attempted to assuage my despair. If I operated by the same premise as some white folk, that book should be removed because it made me uncomfortable, to say the least. I recall some rumblings years later about changing the offensive word but certainly no uproar as to how Black kids might feel reading it. I’m not for banning books but that one shouldn’t be read in any classroom where Black children are in the minority. Maybe that’s what needs to be determined where the banning of books is being touted. In most instances the white child is not alone in the classroom and I would imagine there is a teacher primed to explore the feelings that arise. Not every Winsor adult was tone deaf. There were a few teachers who looked past our skin and saw our humanity. Ms. Wortham (English) was the first person besides my mother to tell me I was a writer. Ms. Alger (Math) tutored me in Algebra on her own time. Mr. Rogers (Art) celebrated our creativity. And we adored Ms. Lupinacci’s (Espanol) kindness and fashion sense. Back in our mostly black neighborhood, sometimes other African American kids teased us about going to a white school so I often felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. On rare days when we got out of school early enough, Pam M and I hung out in the train station where the public school kids congregated and tried in vain to blend in with them. While all of our parents were community activists in their own right, Pam B’s father was actually on the front lines organizing politically and economically and he discussed his work with his young, impressionable daughter. In this way, Pam B became a dynamic force who rounded up our disparate energies and put them to important use. At some point she decided that we needed to organize and formulate our “demands”: Black history! Black role models! Black teachers! All three were non-existent at Winsor and never contemplated. As a result a young Black man named Roosevelt was summoned from Simmons College (our neighbor in proximity) to assist in the ways he could. I don’t know who made this call or whether he had a formal title but one of his solutions to our plight was to play Malcolm X speeches on a record player in our meeting room. Malcolm’s words pricked the surface of our discontent but we were far from cured. Meanwhile the administration tried to put similar patches on the various gaping holes in the curriculum and conceded to our Black History month proposal. With the go-ahead, we planned an assembly where we would dress in African attire, read poetry by Black writers, dance to African drumming and sing James Brown’s “I’m Black and I’m Proud” because…we were, weren’t we? I remember trying on those ideas and liking them but also being somewhat afraid of them. We rehearsed several times prior to the big day. When it finally arrived, something remarkable happened. In the midst of everything, and certainly unrehearsed, Pam B, our pied piper, leapt up and broke from the script, screaming out to the ocean of white faces something like, “None of y’all know what it’s like to be Black, to be slaves, to have your mammies and pappies lynched!” She was on fire but I recall thinking to myself, I don’t know what that’s like either. And where did she get that Southern accent? I worried about what would happen next. Would the school explode? Would we explode? Neither happened. Instead Pam B became an unacknowledged hero in my mind that day because she was bold and unafraid, well-versed in Black historical facts and closer to being a grownup than any other teenager I knew. Her speech was almost like Martin Luther King, I told my mother later on. Something shifted for all of us after that assembly which manifested itself in different ways. The time-honored rule for Winsor commencement was that the entire school dressed in all white. The stated purpose was for every student to “blend in” and “not stand out”. (Even brass buttons had to be covered with tape.) When contemplated as a senior, the concept made no sense in light of our un-blend-in-able skin. Although in preceding years we conformed to the rule, I could and would not do it for my graduation. Our graduating class, after all, was the first class in which the students were not all white from inception. So we talked it out with our classmates and many of the white girls agreed to forgo wearing white as well, some in solidarity and others because they too understood that our class was inherently different. On that special day I rocked a gold floral print wrap dress that I made myself and thought looked spectacular. Even though, following our diversion that year, subsequent classes reverted back to tradition, I’m still proud that ours was the one and only class in the school’s long history to not wear all white. Our class photograph, documenting that year’s remarkable sartorial statement, hangs unapologetically between the other redundant class photos before and since. Twenty-five years after we graduated from Winsor, none of us Black girls wanted to attend our reunion – way too many disturbing memories. Ellen, however, came up with the brilliant idea of convening a session wherein we would share our experiences called, “Red, White and Black” (Winsor’s colors are red and white; we brought the Black.) The auditorium was standing room only, filled with Black girls who followed our lead, white girls who had been in our class, parents, teachers and many others. The rapt audience heard our stories, cried with us, shared some of their own tales (Jewish girls spoke of their mistreatment of which we were unaware) and we began the much-needed process of healing. Some of our former classmates embraced us afterwards and apologized if they “ever said something stupid”. Although I begged my parents year after year to take me out of Winsor, they always refused. After the panel my mother revealed that she and my father hadn’t thought through the possibility of my social exclusion and if they had, might have made a different decision. My father reiterated his decades long belief: “There is no perfect school for a Black child.” Since that illuminating panel, Winsor has dug down deep, faced its demons and made necessary, beyond the surface, changes. The school actively sought students, faculty and staff of color. One of its best decisions was to hire Pam M as the first Black admissions director who served the school for 18 years. Who better than she to know what the school needed? She recruited in non-traditional arenas such as public schools in minority neighborhoods, made certain there were representative marketing materials and attended school fairs with students of color by her side, expanded financial aid, created “Sisters”, a Black student mentoring group as well as a Black parents support group. These days Winsor boasts 44% students of color with many private schools clamoring to know how they do it. The halls are no longer hallowed in the way they were. I have returned several times over the years to speak about my experiences as a student but also to praise the obvious advancements. I attended a magical “Sisters” event where I was mesmerized and buoyed by the confidence displayed and the support given. Though saddened that we did not have such opportunities, I and the other first Black Winsor girls willingly bear the scars so that no girls of color have to do so ever again. Our difficult experiences portend that a “Winsor girl” no longer means a preternaturally privileged white girl. Today she may be African, African American, Latin X, Muslim, Asian, non-binary, gay or trans. Thanks to us, Winsor is now a school for every kind of girl to learn about who she is and from whence she came as well as the required academics. Schools cannot be afraid to face the challenges of teaching the “ugly” parts of history and must be concerned with the repercussions for all the children they serve. Girls at Winsor are free to learn the truth about each other’s origins because of a vastly diverse curriculum that tackles complicated topics taught by skilled educators prepared and eager to handle the myriad of feelings that may surface. We should desire nothing less for all students everywhere. Tricia Elam Walker (she, they) is the author of Nana Akua Goes to School, winner of the 2021 Ezra Jack Keats Writer Award, and winner of the 2021 Children's Africana Book Award. She can be found at triciaelamwalker.com. She is Assistant Professor, Creative Writing for the Department of English at Howard University in Washington, DC.

Spring break meant a trip south of Atlanta to Georgia’s fat bottom. Ama’s grandparents lived in a house there with two bedrooms, a single bathroom, and a bucket outside for the desperately waiting. Some of the neighborhood boys took quiet advantage between rounds of touch football or throw-em-up-bust-em-up. The smell gave it away. Mixed piss jumbled the senses the same way that the smell of vinegar was almost a sound. Three times a week, Ama’s grandmother carried the bucket to the toilet, flushed its contents, and returned it to the porch. Only just past the shy side of puberty and a city baby, Ama never saw people pee outdoors in Atlanta. Maybe because exchange rates were strange along the Florida border, bottom Georgia, stranger even than the weather during hurricane season, Jefferson, one of those neighborhood boys, agreed to take her grandparents’ old ice box to the abandoned lot at the end of the road. No money required. The boy was thin as batted lashes but not quite as black. He hauled two hundred pounds of rusted metal, pausing between mailboxes to wipe sweat with his T-shirt. He pushed with arms and shoulders, dropped to one knee, laughed once, got back up, and pushed again. The humidity hovered somewhere between comfort and aggression. The metallic grate stopped, and Jefferson’s pants and huffs made a song of exhaustion. Several spring breaks later, Ama kissed Jefferson sudden in the side yard gap between their houses. She’d spent her sixteenth year in Atlanta pint up under her momma’s Black-girl rules—stick close, work hard, stay away from boys. South of that, the only rules revolved around housekeeping, mopping floors, fixing the throw pillows just so, and cleaning out the bug zapper. After chores, Ama was free to do whatever, and whatever meant sneaking away into the blue green of not-yet-night and doubling up with Jefferson on his bike. Then down to the creek where they would lay out in the mossy grass and watch daylight forsake them. “I love you, Jefferson Douglass,” Ama told him in the dark. He laughed and said, “You don’t love me, girl. You only been here a week.” “A week every year since I was a baby.” “So what?” he asked. “You can’t pull love out of seven days.” Ama hugged her arms, blinking at the darkness, trying to see the water. She had wanted him to tell her he loved her back. Love for love. “Take me home,” she said. As he was told, he pedaled her back up the hill to her grandparent’s house. Pop-pop waited under the porch light and blue zapper with a Coors light and a cane, still as a buzzard on a picket fence. “Want me to shoot him?” Pop-pop asked when Jefferson was gone. Ama wiped her face. “You too old for prison.” He adjusted his grip on his cane. “Nobody said anything about prison. I just asked if you wanted me to shoot him. Wouldn’t be the first time. Your momma was always running around here getting her heart broken by some bobble head boy. I kept a paintball gun close just in case. You been the spitting image of your momma since the day you were born. I knew I’d have to bring that gun out of retirement at some point. So I ask again, do you want me to shoot him?” “No, not this time.” The difference between bottom Georgia and Atlanta had to be the silence. No sirens. No traffic. Nighttime swallowed sound and forced Ama to lay with the freedom quiet of a musty quilt. Her mother had slept behind these very same walls, lived with these same rules. Rules that never quite seemed like rules. Repeating chores and keeping busy outdoors. Jefferson came for Ama the day before she had to head back north to sound and city, early evening, just dark enough for the lightning bugs. New generation of neighborhood boys tossed pig skin in the street. Ama opened the door, aimed, and fired. She left yellow stains all over Jefferson’s white T-shirt. He screamed like he thought she had ended him. The boys in the street laughed, and Jefferson left without offering up love, jokes, or goodbye. As Jefferson raged down the sidewalk, Ama unloaded a final warning shot, a bright goodbye as she meant it. She got the hose from the side yard and shot steady streams at her own splatter before her grandmother could catch sight of it and make the sunny mess her own. Before her grandfather could see it and be proud. Before the paint dried up in the evening heat, a keep away warning for whoever might come for her next. Ra'Niqua Lee writes to share her particular visions of love and the South. Her work has appeared or is forthcoming in Cream City Review, Split Lip Magazine, Indiana Review, Passages North, and elsewhere. Every word is in honor of her little sister, Nesha, who battled schizoaffective disorder until the very end. For her always.

I scream… Reggie’s grogginess quickly turned into fear as he sped down the stairs into his store. The air was still and quiet, creating a tension that he couldn’t quite understand. The lights were still off, but he swore he heard glass shattering downstairs. He’d grabbed his hand pistol from his nightstand in his panic, creeping downstairs in a thin tee shirt and shorts. He didn’t think to bring a robe with him to fight off the cooler evening weather. Not that it would have helped the chills running up his body. He arrived at the door at the bottom of the staircase, on the side of the store, gun in hand like he’d seen cops do on Criminal Minds. It felt ridiculous, but it was the closest he could get to protection. He looked at his reflection in the window. His breath fogged up the glass but he could make out his frightened face. The dark circles around his eyes compared to his brown skin made him look like a zombie. His curly hair was flattened against his head from yet another restless night of tossing and turning. His lips were cracked with dehydration. His slightly muscled frame made him look a lot tougher than he was feeling, his body shaking. He tried to steady his hands, but nothing would stop his trembling. His security system warned him of the suspicious activity and he immediately was on high alert, assuming the commotion to be a robbery. He never had to deal with one of those before. What if he had to shoot them? What if they shot him? Damn it Reggie you should’ve called the police. How the hell are you gonna handle this if it’s a robbery? I can handle this. How? I got a gun. But no training. His heart felt tight like he might have a heart attack, then robbery would be the least of his worries. He turned the corner into the entrance, flipping on the fluorescent lighting of his store. Fear gathered in the pit of his stomach and his breathing almost stopped at the sight of her. Seven bullet holes–six in the body, one in the head. Glass bits scattered across the front of the store all around her corpse, tangled in the frizz of her hair like gruesome barrettes. Her thick red mane was matted with blood in a dark contrast to her pale, white skin. Her face was embedded with glass shards. She was barely recognizable as a person when Reggie found her. He remained still, staring in horror. His slipper was soaked with the mysterious woman’s blood spilling from the holes decorating her body. He looked away and focused his vision on the pistol in his shaking hands. Instead, his eye fell on the blood beneath him and realized what would happen. Black man with a pistol. White woman on the ground. Instant death penalty. Call the cops, what are you doing?! Just call the police! His eyes find the phone on the counter, waiting. Just walk to the phone! Come on! He doesn’t move. He can’t move. They’ll kill me. They’ll see her body and kill me. They always kill the Black man. But you got to do something! Upon closer inspection, he realized she was not that old. From what he could make out, her hands weren’t full of liver spots. Her hair was not yet gray with age and worry. Her face was difficult to make out with all of the glass and blood, but it appeared to be untouched by wrinkles. Just with hundreds of shards of thick glass. If Reggie were to guess, she looked about eighteen, old enough to be considered an adult under the eyes of the law, but not enough for anyone on a jury to think of her as more than a child. A white girl? The cops will eat this up! Reggie’s lungs went dry just imagining the jury. Guilty. Guilty! She and the pool of blood became fuzzy and Reggie fell to the ground, not caring about his clothes as they became wet with blood. His head swirled just as he emptied his aching stomach. He had never seen anything so red, so sticky. So much. A new surge of panic awakened in him and his mind moved autonomously. Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Just breathe. Breathe! BREATHE! His eyes darted around the shop, calculating. I can’t let them see this. I’ll die! I don’t want to die. I DON’T WANNA DIE. What do I do? Think! THINK. He crawled away from the front window through the mess of glass, despite the sickening cramps in his abdomen. His eyes fell on the huge, walk-in freezer in the back of his store. The body. The freezer. The body. The freezer…. He ran toward the counter, stashing the pistol in the display case, underneath the mint chocolate chip. He had to hurry. He rushed to her body, grabbing her by the arms. Luckily, rigor mortis hadn’t set in. The body must be fresh. He pulled her body toward the back of the store, painting the floor with red streaks. The walk to the freezer felt so long and her body felt heavier, he was worried that he would pull her arms out of their sockets. It took way longer, longer than it should’ve but he finally reached the doors of the freezer. Opening it he looked, trying to find the best hiding space until he had time to bury the body. Chocolate, cookie & cream, caramel swirl… He struggled as he grabbed her just below her arms. Her body was so heavy, it took what felt like an eternity for him to push the limp body behind the Neapolitan and butter pecan flavors. There! Nobody eats those anyway… He ran to the broom closet grabbing all the supplies he needed: bucket, bleach, broom, mop, and cloth. He threw the bucket in the sink, turning the faucet on full blast as he dumped a whole bottle of bleach into it. He turned to see the bloody streaks and footprints and his slippers left behind and kicked them off frantically, launching them into the closet. He peered behind him from the closet as sirens began to blare in the distance. The police. Someone surely heard the commotion that caused this woman's death. Even the deserted streets had ears. The late night passerby probably saw the lights on, a Black man sneaking around, and thought they put the pieces together. Of course. No matter how long you’ve known them you’re still just another Black man to them. He grabbed the bucket and ran to the front of the store, almost dropping his supplies. Immediately, he began to sweep the shards off the floor, even getting down on his hands and knees to pick some of the glass out of the blood. After he was certain he picked it all up, he began mopping as fast as he could. He heard the sirens become louder. Closer. They’re coming. He mopped faster, as though it were an Olympic sport. I’m not gonna make it. They’ll be here any minute. Closer. The floor still had pools of crimson and what he did clean still had pinkish stains to it. He dropped to the floor and began to scrub with the cloth soaked in bleach. The sirens are getting closer. I won’t have time to clean it all up! He began to hyperventilate. Think Reggie. Think! He ran to the light, switched it off, and ducked against the floor. The metallic scent of blood, the strong scent of bleach, and the stale smell of vomit mixed together made his stomach turn again. The sirens were just outside. He tentatively raised his head and peeked through the broken window to spot the red and blue flashing light passing by his window as if he didn’t exist. He breathed a sigh of relief. Not me. Not this time. It was almost laughable if it wasn’t so serious. Reggie grabbed the blood-stained cloth, dunked it in the bucket, and remained on his hands and knees scrubbing away at the unsightly blemish in his once clean store. *** “One order of vanilla and– what was it you wanted again Marla?” The old man yelled across the shop to his wife. They were new in town. Reggie could tell. He’d never seen them before. In fact, anyone that came into his store was new to the town. He wasn’t exactly known to have the world’s best ice cream. Reggie remembered when he had first opened his store and would cater ice cream socials or a school carnival. The friendly smiles of gap toothed children and their laughing parents only turned into sour faces, their enthusiasm waned into disappointment. They continued to lick their dessert but were not as happy as when they had first come to his stand. “How can you mess up ice cream?” he had heard one woman whisper. Another time a little boy, no more than five years of age, refused to eat anymore even when his parents pretended to have an airplane flying into his mouth. What kind of kid doesn’t enjoy ice cream? What kind of ice cream is that bad that even a kid won’t eat it? “It tastes wrong!” the kid exclaimed. Reggie had heard of complaints stating that the vanilla had no flavor at all and tasted like the cardboard carton it came in. His strawberry tasted closer to what vanilla should be and lacked actual strawberries. For cookies & cream, he had used a cheap, generic cookie brand rather than the Oreos that would have delighted taste buds. Who wouldn’t want some homemade ice cream? Everyone likes the down-home taste. Well, he wasn’t wrong about that, just wrong about the recipe. There had been just enough big events in this town that prevented him from hitting total bankruptcy for the first year but things hadn’t really picked up since his last order. People were leaving and no people meant no events. Instead, they were moving to the city a few hundred miles east. Tourism was at an all-time low. All of the attractions had picked up and left town, seeking more populated areas. The lack of scenery or landmarks was no help either. Reggie was barely competing with the other chains around the world, but word about his poor product quickly spread and he was running out of time to make his rent, something he hadn’t had to worry about until he began this business. Maybe she was right… *** He drifted into thinking about her. His ex-wife, how he missed her, couldn’t deal with the financial instability. “Quit?” she had yelled, eyes wide with shock and anger when he told her he was leaving his boring but stable job “Yes, I’m tired of walking in that office depressed and feeling like I’m going nowhere” “The reason we aren’t going anywhere is that you pull shit like this! Do you even have a backup plan?” He had remained silent at that statement. “Exactly!” Her back facing him, hands thrown in the air. “You didn’t think about how this would affect me– us!” Silence. “So what do you plan on doing now huh?” She had dared him to answer. “I…I saved up enough money -” “It better be millions because until then we can only live off what I got.” “For an ice cream shop,” he finished, certain in his actions. It was a strange choice in life, he’ll admit. But it’s one he felt happy with. He had a long talk within himself. And this was the choice he wanted to make with or without her. “An ice cream shop? You took our life savings….for an ice cream shop…” Her voice had fallen off into a whisper that was calm. Too calm. The kind that was beyond anger and beyond words. She had become quiet. A silence that had followed her out the door, leaving him alone in his empty house for the past year and a half. He couldn’t bear the thought of his wife leaving, but he couldn’t take the sinking feeling of depression every time he went to the office even more. She was just trying to look for a way out. Now it was Reggie’s turn to look for a way out of his mess. I just wanted to sell ice cream. How could this happen? Why me? *** He stood staring at the display case of ice cream tubs. He had moved the gun from there and thrown it into the freezer with the body. He stayed up all night cleaning the rest of the floor, not that he would’ve been able to sleep anyway. The floor was clean of vomit and red streaks, but no matter how hard he scrubbed, he couldn’t get rid of the pink splotches by the window. Reggie cleaned until his fingers burned with bleach and he was about to pass out, but the blood seeped into the grout between the tiles making the chore harder on him. In the end, he opted to place the big welcome mat to the right of the door instead of its usual center. It looked weird, but nobody would come inside to notice. Perks of being unpopular I suppose… When he had finally gone home to his small apartment, sneaking upstairs after the incident, praying he didn’t run into his neighbor. He moved quietly into the entrance of his shoebox size sanctuary. It was the only thing he could afford, the store taking most of his money. It wasn’t the worst living conditions, unlike when he lived in the city as a child. Rats and roaches running around everywhere. At least here he only had to deal with roaches. That he could handle. Although now roaches are the least of my problems. The sun was just a few minutes from rising. The hardware store was still not open yet, so he had to wait as the minutes slowly ticked by. He desperately needed to change out of his pajamas. They stank with the mixture of fluids from the night. So grabbing his soiled slippers and threw them into the half-full trash bag hanging from his front door. He stripped off his clothes and did the same. Taking a deep breath he went into his bathroom and took a steaming hot shower, desperately trying to erase all traces of the woman from his body. And his mind. Someone definitely realized she was missing. The thought popped into his mind. There’s no way they can’t. Everybody knows everybody here. That made Reggie pause. Wait… do I know her? I don’t think so… What if I do? No, no there’s no way I could. He spent the better part of his morning like that, trying to quiet his thoughts with music, coffee, anything. But they just kept coming. Reggie sat in his small armchair staring at a blank television screen, unable to move I can’t go back out there You have to! How else are we going to get rid of the body? They’re suspicious. They’re all suspicious! Who’s suspicious? Who even knows what you did? I can’t. I just can’t. Well, you can’t just stay here! You’ve got to finish the job. Just let the police take me away… Reggie shook his head at the thought. No. He worked too hard to let it all go like that, especially if he didn’t even commit the crime. He stood up and quickly walked to his nightstand, filing through miscellaneous items until he found it; his lighter, a small red gun-like thing. I wonder if the gun was this small… Stop. Thoughts so gruesome would only slow his mind down. I need to hurry up. He grabbed the clothes from the bag and placed them on the stove. It was tricky sometimes, so he turned on the gas and lit it with his little torch. Reggie piled the clothes onto the stove and waited for the fabric to catch fire. He looked at the kitchen ceiling as the smoke began to gather in the air. Sunshine broke through his closed blinds as the flames glowed on his face, the brightness stinging his eyes. He refused to blink, wanting to witness every thread vanish in the heat of the fire. The kitchen was filled with thick, black smoke, and the fire alarm went off. But he refused to leave until he witnessed the complete burning. The flame rose too high. Shit! Reggie dashed to the window, throwing the blinds open and pushing the window open as wide as it could go. The smoke flowed outside making the air gray. Reggie ran to the cabinet, throwing aside all the useless pots and pans until he found his soup pot. Turning to the sink, he filled it with water and threw it into the fire. The makeshift bonfire exploded and singed his nose hairs and eyebrows. He had tried to pat the flames out but it was useless. His arms were getting tired and his vision was beginning to wane when the fire department burst in. “You need to go!” shouted one of them. “Now!” A second one grabbed his arm and dragged him outside into the corridor. Then down the stairs into the street with his neighbor. The woman next door, Kennedy he believed was her name, wearing a satin robe draped over her as she impatiently checked her phone. She was glaring at Reggie while he tried to act nonchalant while waiting for the firemen. This wasn’t the first time Reggie pissed off his neighbor and it more than likely won’t be the last. This was his second fire this month. Once he was trying to make Jiffy Pop, but the game came on and he got distracted for two minutes before the corn nearly burned the place down. “Keep an eye on your food next time you idiot!” the building manager had yelled. It took about fifteen minutes before the bulky firefighters came out giving them permission to go back inside. Reggie rushed upstairs, jumping steps two at a time to immediately check the stove for any evidence. There were a few firefighters in the kitchen gathered around the stove. NO! He moved next to them just as they looked up. One had Reggie’s pajama top in his hand with a quizzical look etched on his face. “What happened here?” He asked. It sounded accusatory to Reggie. He didn’t like it. He knows. He knows nothing. “I uh….I was cooking and my sleeve caught on fire.” The lie came too easily. The two looked at each other. “I got scared and took off my shirt. Threw it off and it landed on the stove. I tried to stop the fire,” He pointed to his now-burnt pot of water. “But it didn’t work out.” “Didn’t you know not to pour water on a gas fire?” “I just panicked.” The fireman took a deep sigh, “Stop, drop, and roll next time.” Reggie nodded sheepishly as they cleared out. The kitchen walls were covered with black soot. He’ll have to clean this up later. The smell of the apartment made him gag, it smelled like burnt cloth ..or burnt blood. He shuddered at the thought and tried to go about his routine. He moved without feeling, robotic-like. Brushing his teeth, not tasting the sting of the mint on his gums. He went to make breakfast. He stood in the middle of the kitchen staring at the scene. Black and gray streaks formed on the white cupboards like it was changing colors right before his eyes. I should’ve gone to the police. No. No! His head felt full and began to hurt with the heaviness of this argument. He dragged his feet to the front door. There’s work to be done. Step one: drive to the bank. He sped down the road, surely risking at least two tickets. The sun had fully risen and started to shine in his eyes, burning his face. He parked in the front to have a quick getaway as if he were robbing the place. He spotted the silver ATM in front of the door. Don’t be suspicious. Shut up. He put in his card, put his pin in, and looked at his account. He’s running low, not enough to make next month’s rent, barely enough to make half of it. And surely not enough to keep paying for his car. Sighing he withdrew $200. He went to his car and rushed off to step two: to the hardware store. Don’t be suspicious. Home Depot had its usual smell of wood and paint. He walked to one of the clerks in a bright orange apron. He was a short, sturdy man with red hair, surprising for an older man such as himself. Red hair like hers. “Hi, I’m making a garden for my wife. Her birthday is coming up soon and I want to surprise her. Where do you keep the shovels?” Nice one! Quiet. “Aisle fifteen,” the clerk responded, his voice had a southern accent hidden in it. “Thank you, sir. And lawn bags?” “Aisle thirteen.” “Thank you.” A wooden board, hammer, and nails he needed were in aisle four. He walked briskly to aisle thirteen, looking through all of the bags. Most were paper, barely big enough to stash a tree branch. He continued scanning the shelves until he spotted plastic bags. They’ll fit her. He snatched a box and headed to the shovel section. Quickly grabbing the first shovel he could find, he rushed to the wooden boards. You didn’t measure the window, did you? Well, it’s kinda hard when hiding a body in the dark! His eyes looked at all sorts of boards until he found one that looked about the size of his window pane at the parlor. Close enough. Hammer and nails were the last items on his list. He paid at the register with the same clerk. “Hope your wife likes the garden.” “Huh? Oh yeah. She’ll be so surprised. She’s been hinting at it for months.” “Oh I know how that goes…the wife wanted me to build a bird feeder for about a year before I actually got it done. Heaven knows why we need one…” “Really?” Reggie feigned fascination. “We don’t even really get birds in the yard, but she wanted one. She’s a bit strange, but she’s mine,” He laughed. Reggie faked his laughter, paid for his materials in cash, and rushed to his car. He remained distracted on the road until he walked through the threshold of his store. He flipped on the lights, closing his eyes for fear of what he’dsee this time. Empty. A sigh of relief. I have to get rid of the body. He pushed the shovel and bags into the broom closet and then walked to the front of his store. Holding the board, he realized it was short a couple of inches. It doesn’t matter. He began the chore of hammering the board on the broken window pane. Then tend to the rest of his shop as normal. He cleaned the counter, hands shaking. No one saw you last night. No one saw you. Just get through to closing and you’re home free. The door chimes sounded as an old couple came in. The old man and his wife stopped in front of Reggie, staring at the menu board. “Hello, how may I help you?” Reggie asked a little too loudly. “I have sensitive teeth and my dentist says I need to be careful of what I eat,” He said to himself more than to Reggie Pretty sure those are dentures. Reggie’s eyes were immediately distracted by the little old woman that wandered away from her husband and began looking around the parlor. She had thick glasses that could look through just about anything and that’s what made him jittery. She had started walking around the store looking over the pictures on the wall. His store had a 1950’s look to it: checkered tiles made up the floor with bright, red, pleather seats created the booths. There were stools at the front by the counter, much like a bar or truck-stop diner. There were pictures of America from across the decades sprinkled around the walls so it wasn’t unlike new customers to look around at the decorations. But she was looking a little too much for Reggie’s liking. What if she knows that girl? What if she knows she’s missing? What if she suspects something? “Sir?” The man interrupted his spiraling thoughts. “Huh?” “The temperature of the ice cream?” What kind of ridiculous question is that? But Reggie smiled, “Uhh zero degrees. Unless you want soft serve.” He was sure the old man would ask the temperature of the soft serve but she wasn’t listening, still distracted by the wife walking toward the spot where the body was only a few hours ago. “What kind of toppings do you have?” The man was becoming insufferable. What does she see? Reggie evened his voice and forced another smile “Nuts, gummy bears, and sprinkles.” Not many customers, so what was the point in having a lot of toppings? The man began contemplating his choice, looking at the toppings to see what he could digest. No nuts because he was allergic. No gummy bears–too sweet. No sprinkles because something about it getting caught in between his chompers. Then he went into a long-drawn-out story about why he and his wife were in town. Something about traveling across the states in an RV. It took all Reggie could muster not to scream at the man to shut up. It went on and on…All for just plain vanilla in a cup. “Marla, what do you want?” The man asked his wife a little louder than necessary. Marla didn’t respond, instead looking at the window with a large board covering it up. A sign with a picture of a smiling ice cream cone saying “Oops we have a spill. Please be cautious” hung from it. Technically not a lie, just glass, and a body spilled, rather than a child’s melted cone. “Marla!” The old man yelled, capturing both of their attention. She looked at her husband in confusion. “What do you want?” He repeated his question. “Oh you know, my usual,” she said, turning back to the window. Reggie began to sweat, looking below the woman’s feet at the mat. I’ll have to try again later. “Yes, so one large vanilla in a cup, and one small Neapolitan in a waffle cone,” The man continued, not noticing the distraction in Reggie’s eyes. That’s when Reggie finally heard the order. Neapolitan?! The sudden weight of the man’s words made the scoop heavier in Reggie’s hand. “One moment. It’s in the back, not many people order it,” he mumbled to keep his voice from trembling. Keep calm, they don’t know anything. He nearly sprinted to the back freezer but breathed slowly and walked to the back briskly. He opened the freezer door, the cold temperature was nothing compared to the ice-cold blood that ran through his veins. There she was. Shoved crookedly between the containers. Her head lay on top of the Neapolitan container. Her eyes were still wide open, staring at her shooter. The crimson river that flowed from her head-hole had become frozen to her forehead like a waterfall stuck in place. He carefully shifted her head off the container lid as he moved to open the ice cream. A thick, frozen, red stream sealed the lid to the bucket. His stomach turned at the horrific image, it almost made him vomit again. “Uh, sir my ice cream?” Marla called, her head poking over the counter. “Coming right up,” he answered just loud enough for her to barely hear him. With a little more effort the lid was forced open. He grabbed the warmed scoop and hurried to fill the woman’s cone. He turned to face his customer, handing the little old woman her ice cream cone when he spotted it all too late. The strawberry part of her treat had bits of red in it. His eyes swelled in horror as the couple finished paying for their order. He wanted to tell her that the ice cream spoiled, been contaminated, anything to get her to stop licking her cone. Calm down. Calm. Down. It could just be the strawberries poking out. But he knew he was lying to himself. He tried not to gag as Marla’s tongue slurped the red flakes, leaving spots of it on the corner of her lips. Reggie stared, mouth agape. When they finished, they cleaned up their spot and left the store. He held back a shutter as the two walked out of the store into the summer heat. He didn’t stop her. Why didn’t he stop her? Because cannibalism is bad for business. Nyla Jones is currently an Honors Senior English/Creative Writing major, French and playwriting minor at Howard University in Washington D.C. She is studying to become an author, poet, and scriptwriter. In 2015, her poem “Darkness” was published in the anthology, Emerging Voices, which explores the voices of teenagers all around Montgomery County, Maryland. Since then, she has had her poems in Howard University’s Sterling Notes.

For nine consecutive months, I found myself being followed by the same dream. Every time I closed my eyes I arrived at the same destination. For nights I drifted into slumber, only to arrive at the shore of a moonlit bay. My bedroom walls collapsed into the vast ocean, while bed sheets engulfed me like the steam that arose from the evaporating surface. I always began this dream walking along the shore, letting sand slip between my toes and filling my palms with pretty pink corals. I walked until an indistinguishable figure emerged from a bed of crashing waves. It glided out gracefully, moving in unison with the dancing current. I took note of the way it glowed- fluorescent and white, while water drops kissed its skin. It sliced through the current, walking along sand, stopping just inches before me. The face was unfamiliar, yet I always felt like I was in the presence of a friend. Then the bay and waves and smoke and moonlight all dispersed as I stood face to face with this figure. They stopped before me, almost to say something. Longing to say something. But the alarm sounded off. And I never heard what they had to say. “Junie!” Momma shouted as she entered my room. “Junie! You better get yo behind up and get ready. You know better than to sleep this late, you lost yo mind girl?” I opened my eyes to find Momma standing above me. She still woke me up as if I were a child even though I was twelve going on thirteen. “I’m sorry, Momma” I groaned, “I didn’t mean-” “Aht aht,” says Momma, “I don’t want no excuses, now go on ahead and get ready.” “Yes, ma’am,” I replied, dragging myself out of bed. I walked towards my drawers, wearing my long, pink nightgown which hugged my skin with sweat. I opened them, picking out my school clothes. “June Bug, I know we’ve been talking about this, but I need you to be careful out here. You know they’ve been snatching up girls around your age. If something happened to you I would die of a heart attack myself. Be safe and don’t be out here acting foolish.” Her words were steady but I could hear the underlying fear. For the last few weeks people were saying at least three girls had gone missing. No one could recall their names or what they looked like or even how old they were. No one knew their families or where they stayed. I just knew that I didn’t want to go missing, too. “I know, Momma.” “No, I don’t think you do.” I stopped myself from rolling my eyes, as I turned towards her with my school clothes in hand. Momma didn’t take kindly to no disrespect and would pluck me across my forehead if she saw my reaction. Momma shook her head, then turned to walk out the door. She was nearly in the hallway when she paused to face me again. “And another thing June Bug, wear something light today, it feels like it’s gon be a hot one.” And she was gone. ༄༄༄ I was in no particular rush to get to school that morning so I took the scenic route along the boardwalk at Chicken Bone Beach. I loved this part of this city, the color and vivacity felt otherworldly. I often wondered if it had a spirit of its own. When I walked along the battered wood of the boardwalk it made me feel less alone. On particular summer evenings, massive concerts would be held on Sunshine Row. People traveled from near and far to hear acts like Sammy Davis JR and Louis Jordan. I loved Louis Jordan. He was a man who knew his jazz. People complained about the beach being segregated, but I didn’t mind. The white people didn’t party like us. They didn’t feel the music, they just heard it. I looked at the waves as they ebbed against the shore. A heavy aroma of salt water and fried dough overwhelmed the air, while the sun crept up the morning sky. “Hey girl!” shouted a voice from behind. I recognized it instantaneously as Mr. Eddy. Mr. Eddy was older than my mom but younger than my grandma. He was tall and his dark skin was wet with either water or sweat, maybe even the mist in the air. “Hey, Mr. Eddy. How are you doing?” We stood in the center of the battered boardwalk. The wood was old and decaying but it gave me an odd sense of security. Mr. Eddy was a trusted friend of Momma’s. I’d known him longer than my memories. He’d help Momma around the house after Daddy died. He mowed the lawn and painted walls and cleaned the gutters. I always thought he smelled like outside, like dirt and sweat and flowers. He used to be over all the time, before he got so careless one day he nearly burnt the house down. The whole kitchen stove was set aflame. Momma didn’t take much of a liking to that. It took months of apologies and good deeds for Mr. Eddy to win his way back into her good graces. “I like your dress, June Bug. You look mighty pretty today.” He had a big, goofy grin like always and he bowed to me as if I were royalty when we both knew I was not. “Thank you, Mr. Eddy.” I curtseyed back lifting my dress above my knees just like I learned from the pretty ladies on the television. The pretty ladies who would be dancing and grooving every evening on American Bandstand. “You welcome, honey.” In a split second, however, his smile had faded, and his shoulders were high and tense. He looked like a deer who had suddenly sensed danger. “Hey, June Bug, you heard about them girls that have gone missing? Somebody said they used to go down by the bay to collect shells. You be going around there? I would hate to see something happen to you.” “I heard, Mr. Eddy. I got too much sense for all that plus Momma would smack me upside the head if she caught me.” “Okay then, June Bug. Just looking out. Now, you go ahead and get to school.” I walked down the boardwalk until I reached the street my school was on. I didn’t know what made me more anxious - the thought of the missing girls or the thought of Leroy Brown. ༄༄༄ Missouri Elementary was a tall brown building that sat directly across the boardwalk. It towered over its neighboring buildings making them feel insignificant. The exterior walls were stained from years of wear, while the interior was dark and covered in cement. It carried a smell so pungent it made my nostrils recoil in disgust. I hated spending my days in that school- maybe it’d be more bearable if I had somebody to call a friend. “Junie?” shouted Mrs. Sawyer from the front of the classroom. She faced her students, turning away from Macbeth on the chalkboard. “Junie, I hope you’re paying attention. This will all be on the test and I don’t want to see nobody fall behind.” Mrs. Sawyer was a petite, light skin woman with a voice sweet as sugar. Everyday she smelled of daisies and wore whimsical, flowy dresses adorned with petals. She was stern, but with a heart full of kindness. “Yes ma’am, I’m sorry.” I replied. I knew I had a bad habit of getting stuck in daydreams. “It won’t happen again.” “Youse a lie if I ever seen one,” whispered a voice from behind, “Junie Bug, the liar and cockroach. They call her bug cause she so dirty.” Laughter erupted. I felt my face get hot. I wanted to sink into the floor beneath me. The comments came from a bug eyed, dark skinned boy named Leroy Brown. Leroy had bullied me relentlessly since we were eight years old. The only reason I could pin it down to was my younger self rejecting him in a room full of peers. I rejected him, leaving an ego so bruised he refused to let it go. I will never be with you. I don’t like you, I told him, and when the words left my mouth I noticed a darkness in his eyes. I guessed he was one of those scary boys Momma had warned me about who couldn’t take no for an answer. From that day forward, he and his friends would pick on me and call me names and do just about anything to tear me down. That’s just the way things were. “Enough,” Mrs. Sawyer interjected in a tone that cut like a blade, “I’d like to get back to the lesson if you all don’t mind.” I hated stupid Leroy and those ugly boys he called his friends. He made me so mad. I would never admit this aloud, but I took pleasure in the thought of him disappearing. I was delighted at the thought of him drifting away, taken by the waves. Gone. ༄༄༄ The last bell sounded as we ran from school. We shuffled out the entrance in clusters like the fish schools that swam along the shore. I arrived at the pavement and started to walk home, taking heed of Momma and Mr. Eddy’s words. The school had nearly faded into distance as I reached the top of Missouri Ave. I looked at the horizon, realizing the sky and ocean had decided to share the same shade of blue today. Salt water taffy filled the air, smelling so potent I could nearly taste it. “Hey!” Shouted a voice across the pavement. It was Leroy, of course, with his pack of friends trailing behind. “What you want, ugly?” I yelled back. They started to make their way over to me, but I had no desire to hear whatever nonsense they had to say. Without looking back, I began to walk. “HEY!” He yelled once again, but this time I felt a hand grab my shoulder. He tugged on me so hard I nearly lost balance. “You don’t got manners? I said, hey.” “I don’t wanna talk to you. I hate you. Let me go.” He refused to loosen his grip. “I said, let me go!” And as I shouted these words I wound my leg all the way back, releasing with a quickness, to kick him in his crotch. My foot hit him with so much force he collapsed against the ground. “You dumb bitch,” he screamed, grabbing his crotch and squeezing his face so hard, his features vanished into his skin. “You dumb stupid bitch.” He looked up at his friends, “and why y’all just standing there? Get that bitch! Teach her a lesson about being rude to folks showing nothing but kindness.” For a moment his friends looked around in hesitation, but that look faded, as their eyes became overcome with hunger. Run. Run. Keep running. The boys looked like they wanted to spill blood. I ran down the pavement, turning down alleyways and winding through hidden backroads. I ran across blocks leaving the boardwalk and Missouri Ave behind. I ran until I felt like I couldn't. Until my lungs were on the brink of collapse. I stopped to catch my breath. The ugly boys had been lost. Everything ceased. The only concern was that I now found myself standing before the calm waters of the forbidden bay. The bay where they snatched little girls. If Momma could see this she’d have a fit. I looked around for a landmark or path home, only to realize I was completely lost. Stranded. Standing at the edge of this bay, as if I were walking in my own recurring dream. I took note of the sun which looked like it would soon disappear under the horizon. The sea blue sky was beginning to darken, and it wouldn’t be long until nightfall. My heartbeat quickened at the thought of Momma and Mr. Eddy and the expressions on their faces when they informed me of the missing girls. Now I was standing before the place where they said I could become one of them. Alone. I never put much thought into God or all that religious business, but maybe it was time for a prayer? Dear God. Please let me return home safely and soon so Momma don’t worry. Please protect me and everyone I love. Good enough. I started to turn around when I noticed a figure wading in the shallow water. I peered closer and was surprised to see a young girl. She looked like she was around my age - no older than fifteen or sixteen. I knew now was not the time to be communing with strangers, but for some reason, I trusted her. Without hesitation, I found myself walking across sand to stand beside her. “I’m sorry to bother you,” I said, “I’m just lost and was wondering if you could point me out towards Missouri Ave.” She jumped, startled, but was quick to regain composure. When she looked at me, however, I was stunned. Her skin was vibrant and brown, she had prominent cheekbones, and large round eyes that looked as if they held the mysteries of the universe. I had never seen a girl so beautiful. “Lost?” She asked, “what you mean lost?” Her voice was soft and childlike. “I mean I’m lost.” I had no time for foolish questions. “Some boys were chasing me and now I can’t find my way home.” “Well, why was they chasing you?” “Because their Mommas don’t love em. Because they’re mean. Because everyone in the world expects black girls to run and run and run. But, can you help me get home?” The girl frowned. “I can try, but I’ve been running and running, too. I might be a lil lost, too.” She paused, looking off into the distance. “I ain't been home in weeks.” “That’s crazy,” I said, “what, you don’t wanna go home or something?” She shrugged. “What’s your name, anyways?” “Naia. What’s yours?” “Junie,” I replied. “And what were you doing out here all alone, anyways?” “I can’t remember.” I looked at her in utter confusion. Who was this girl? Why was she so strange? “I can’t remember,” she continued, “I just wanted to be by the water.” She waded her hands beneath the current as she spoke. Now, this, I did understand. I loved to be by the water as well. I loved to sit in it, allowing it to cleanse and heal. I understood her longing to be submerged. To float and be still at the same time. “I hear you,” I said, “I love the water as well. It helps me think.” “See, you get it.” She grinned at me. I looked up at the sky and the sun had nearly faded, but the moon was beginning to rise. “Let’s go this way,” she said, pulling my hand. “You came from this direction, right?” Her fingers felt icy cold as they clasped around my palm. Her hair looked damp with sea water. I began to wonder how long she had really been out here. Although the sun had disappeared, the air remained thick and humid. I inhaled, smelling the sweet summer breeze. We walked along the bay while I searched for any indication that could lead me back to Missouri Ave. Momma was probably worried at this point. She was probably getting Mr. Eddy and the neighbors to conduct a search party at this moment. I felt bad. I wasn’t too fond of the thought of me worrying her sick. I followed Naia, hopeful that some miracle would occur and I would find my way home. “Naia?” I asked, after a few moments of silence. “Why don’t you wanna go home?” I felt her fingers tense around my palm. “Why you wanna know?” “Cause I’m just thinking about my Momma and… I’m sure your folks are worried sick about you. You miss ‘em?” “It don’t matter if I miss em. They don’t miss me.” “I’m sure they do. Why wouldn’t they?” “Maybe. Sometimes I think they don’t know me.” She hunched her body, curling into a ball, the bumps of her spine prominent. There was something so familiar about her pose, like I had seen it a million times before, like I had been in her skin. “I understand that. No one knows how I feel or what I go through either. I don’t even know who I would tell about it.” I looked out at the ocean. The water looked calm but I knew underneath was deep and dark, filled with sharks and monsters and the absence of light. “You can talk to me.” She straightened up and held my gaze. Her eyes began to shift, becoming more narrow, the lashes longer, more like mine. Her cheekbones rounded, the hollow flesh filling out. She didn’t look like the same girl as before, and I was scared. She reached out to grab my hand and said, “I promise, you can trust me.” She smelled like salt water, like mystery and hope. “I feel alone all the time. I wish somebody would just talk to me.” My fists clenched, and I felt a knot in my throat. I took a slow breath. “I’m tired of getting picked on. I’m tired of having no friends. I’m tired of shrinking and being scared. I don’t want to be scared anymore.” I unclenched my fists and continued to breathe steady. I wanted to release my pain, longing for all the hurt to flow out of my body like the tides. “It’s okay to be scared. Everybody’s scared of something. But, it doesn’t mean you’re not strong. It doesn’t mean you’re not capable. It doesn’t mean you’re not deserving of friendship and love. You can always return to love.” Her face was still shifting. I felt like I was looking into a mirror. “You can survive the currents of life. You can ride the waves and stay afloat.” I closed my eyes and thought of my dream: I arrived at the same destination, the shore of a moonlit bay. My bedroom walls collapsed into the vast ocean, while bed sheets engulfed me like the steam that arose from the evaporating surface. I always began this dream walking along the shore, letting sand slip between my toes and filling my palms with pretty pink corals. I walked until an indistinguishable figure emerged from a bed of crashing waves. It glided out gracefully, moving in unison with the dancing current. I took note of the way it glowed- fluorescent and white, while water drops kissed its skin. When I opened my eyes I was looking at myself. And I was beautiful. Zola Wharton is a senior English and Creative Writing major at Howard University. Although she’s currently in D.C, she was born and raised in Philadelphia, PA. Her love of writing began when she was young, she grew up journaling and writing creatively nearly every day. The mediums she likes to pursue are fiction writing, poetry and songwriting.

Dreadlock Man Dreadlock man fi die alone As the slender figures with eyeless faces Pass without rhythm in their strides rightleftright leftri ghtleft Over the corpse of the American Spectacle Laid pon pavement of city grounds These grounds do not weep Red riverruns and flows, reaching familiar markets Bringing a human fragrance to mango okra yam ginger root littering the paths of church avenue and ocean A scheduled termination warrants no expression why ignore the truth we ain’t see him no how no way nobody know him where he from don’t matter nobody seen him He’s not us So he fi die alone Cuz we kill dreadlock man Mimir Dehumanization often Lies Patiently under the deviled mask Of martyrdom A message sharp to the ears of the executioner Fully wanes in Deliberate hands instead of rope to Guillotine, dominated by Seething, calculated white hatred Misconstrued, lobotomized and repurposed to be approved by conglomerate Overseers Dull hoods drape o’er the possibility of Humanity, emotion, empathy Sharp message now dull, now flat fondled Flipped to now restrict the souls from which It’s purpose was bloodily conceived A man likened to god is Jordan Joe, is a Junior Afro-American Studies major, Photography minor at Howard University from St. Louis, MO. Jordan is an aspiring music producer who loves all types of creative expression, and hopes his exploration of the human experience through his creativity can have a positive impact on whoever it may touch. (IG: @ykj._.joe)

There is something to be said about a black man who might make himself a bioethicist & clone his shame to be something preserved in amber; how his calligraphy is made the canary in the coal mine of a facet that is to become the disfigured side of a boy, & how he might become the pawn in the chessboard the universe uses as an exemplar of one falling off a Cliffside. There is something to be said about a black man who believes that when a diamond flaws, it sparkles better & so he makes his skin pass for parchments where appraisals of fabrics to cover his loneliness are written. There is something to be said about a black man who knows why you have to cut roses during winter so that come spring they bloom again. Frank Njugi (He/Him) is a twenty-three-year-old writer and poet living in Nairobi, Kenya. He currently serves as a reader for Salamander Ink Magazine, and his work has appeared on platforms such as Roi Feineant Press, 20.35 Africa, Konya Shamrusmi, Olney Magazine, Ibua Journal and others. He tweets as @franknjugi.

Dollar store Conor Oberst with a Bandcamp account The Satanic Bible on your mantle and the Tao Te Ching on your nightstand – you dread, yet await anxiously, the cloudy day you bury your old dog in your backyard – death comes swift but it will be tardy. The clouds hover over Brower Park, where I waited for you, struggling with no sense of direction cold feet and cold weather. You gutted your apartment a few years back, revealing the carriage tracks hidden under. I lay down in my wholeness, embracing words pacing out of your mouth like horses, in bed you act exactly like how one would act on stage I thought as you told me of your ancestry, listing down gravestones like groceries. We hate Lou Reed but John Cale’s okay. The more you get high the more you refer to yourself in the third person, your middle name slipped out of your lips (I could’ve cracked a security question). When you sing your John Prine you have that Southern twang I used to imagine in my visions of America – slow and calculated, aware of its share of pain. The more I think of when you touched me the more I’m willing to be used by you. Kick me to the curb, drag me through the asphalt. I’ll wait for you, on your couch, a glass of wine in my right hand, our legs barely touching. The old dog heavy heaved next to me, awaiting his death. In the distance, John Prine sings: Summer’s end is around the bend just flying. pacing around soho saying “i hate myself” as to lighten the weight of my feelings i pass by a small venue running a play recommended by a friend – “i should watch it” i uttered almost pausing my thoughts. i imagine how these streets used to be gritty, full of freaks, hunting down griffin dunne the yuppie braggadocio finding himself in unfamiliar blocks, his penis leading the way through the maze. yes, sometimes i’m griffin dunne in after hours, floating in between the city blocks, paranoid that my impure thoughts would catch up to me. “say yes” playing on my earphones. i got reminded of you, and that night we bumped uglies after you played me elliott smith and talked rambunctiously of mark kozelek’s producing career – me vaguely recognizing the namedrops but i listen anyway because i am infatuated with you and in that moment of fucking stupidity i wished i could extricate that night in a small tube and sniff on it whenever i like. sometimes feelings aren’t this clear. but now it’s loud as ever. i tripped on a belgian block down white street. i jolted, awake. park avenue tuesday bacon egg and cheese in my hand, wishing i was naked in somebody’s bed. not another day of unread emails and watered-down cups of coffee ahead. the pack of menthols in my pocket i bought for a friend bore witness to microsoft teams meetings explaining sql to stakeholders on spreadsheets. at lunchtime i walked out my building, a car swerved in front of me life flashed before my eyes. suddenly i am dustin hoffman in midnight cowboy, flinging the bras d’honneur. hey im walking ere. they’re rebuilding the jp morgan building, every day the steel beams grow taller and taller. i grabbed a gyro sandwich ate it in two minutes because who gives a fuck, i walked down a church basement where swedish aunties munch on their cinnamon buns. i sat there with them in my bibi andersson moment until one of them started talking about how good funny girl was that sunday. none of that swedish brooding you see on the criterion collection, no more sorrow and anguish, it is a time of joy and tap dancing, and i believe it, i want to believe it, the tea ran cold and the cinnamon bun untouched in that plate as i tried to make myself believe yet every day the steel beams grow taller and taller on park avenue. Patricia Kusumaningtyas is an Indonesian poet, playwright, and critic based in Brooklyn, NY. Previously, they wrote and directed "Al Pacino Eyes" (2022) for The Players' Theatre Short Play Festival in New York. Her poems have been published in HaluHalo Journal and Culinary Origami. Besides working in the realm of theatre and writing, she is also a tech worker.

Spiritual Awakening cousin rolled up in grandpa’s backyard waiting for the one to come home grandpa said “you can’t control a man, but you can control your emotions” yea yea blah blah i released them anyway nature of man nature of man where did my love go? i carried the emotional weight on my shoulders my heart waited for hours but He never came. uncle asked “nyah. Do You Know What A Slop Jar Is? no. i don’t listen to this donald byrd 1973 a melodic high beyond words, funky rhythms shroud us like a forcefield, a time capsule punching my soul i feel nothing now these country nights ancestral experience right in front of my eyes my whole life why couldn’t i see it before? “i’m sittin on a slop jar waitin for my bowels to move i’m sittin on a slop jar waitin for the pain to go” he passed the j over to me i couldn’t take it no more why must we go through this sufferin’? i’ve been searching for answers ever since. Freedom sometimes I wonder what does freedom feel like we’re not free, our bondage has taken a new form i wish you all could see it like I do i’m running from something hidden inside me my mind shows me all I need to know i‘m not in control anymore I’ve surrendered to Spirit guiding me, divinely. i’ll never lose, Beloved. i see my ancestors around me in everyone why can’t we see it? it’s been blinded from us. but wow, if We are the descendants of queens kings and gods, then why can’t we be those too. they’ve minimized us once again, but Freedom is near I can feel it. the astronomer said if you look to the sky, you’ll be guided by generational stories. oh I wish we knew the stories our people told of the vast sky and it’s secrets unfold we all have a story we all have a goal i’ve been arrested because of my mind alone. isn’t that powerful? i’ll share my story in time but all I can do is write write until i’m free. Shit, I feel free. Acceptance coming to terms with my condition is the hardest thing i can do you mean the old me died system cracked and now i have to make do with the new? something like that but ill be okay ill be alright ill live a normal life i deserve at least that. Vulnerable To be vulnerable is to die Every person I like I can’t get it together I bottle my emotions like water I dance around my meanings in fear I wait til the bond fizzles out and scream All I wish I could’ve said when I had you in my reach how unfair to you and cowardly of me Nyah Bernucho is a recent Howard University BA graduate from Austin, Texas. She’s a writer, DJ, model, and digital designer. Nyah loves to create art that inspires others and shares stories of the Black experience.

Stone Dove the first time I read about the bird and the cage it sung herself out of I waited to hear something award winning – the audacity of youth can pick apart bread to feed them at the lake and kill them with a purse at the bus stop with the same hand. I was never allowed to bring pets in the house, which is what I called a jar of rollie pollies and grass, or a water bottle with a gold fish or a lizard tossed to the dark of a bin of plastic men. the first time a man feeds me through his grape- vine I choke on the seeds in his backyard. we didn’t belong indoors and for a moment there was freedom in that – the choice to be disgusted before the self-induced plucking. I always wanted to smile for those born outside, boys like me were raised to strip and called something else entirely. by the time I was kept I wanted to die with or without him in his room. by the time I was freed every drink tasted spiteful. every bath an exoskeleton frozen by the sun, every reflection nested in the corners of my ears chirping a negro’s anthem- national only if you know them by name. I say I don’t play like that and a feather spirals in my direction in search of this life I was told to get a while back. Condensation as Bullet the house points towards the sky I grew up in, while falling apart is now to speak with your jaw bursting; how expensive to live. a cloud becomes a dream. Ode To Her PJs you probably didn’t know her. heard her name on the intercom every morning. looks like she’ll beat your ass. is actually a sweetheart. probably never spoke until that one fight during lunch. couldn’t spit game at her for she was the mouth straw and paper ball. didn’t laugh at your jokes cause wasn’t shit funny. didn’t know she was bad till the dance. was hilarious. hopped fences. didn’t raise her hand a lot but silenced the whole class when the grades were posted. posted by the staircase with her girls. posted at the bus stop alone. forgot her backpack. would lend you a pencil. always carried a book. pajama day was when she said it was.

A feather like quality, a child’s cruelty. Holding the prejudice of the adult— of a burden to fat to carry in their little arms, they persist. They hold it tight, keep it close no matter if their hearts sing, or their chests burn; and they always burn, because malevolence is never sweet, never tepid. It’s hot or bitterly cold. He runs until his bones break. Snow falls, powdery white. Every flake touches his agony, catches in his lashes. Over and over, his lips purse. Words spill, the flaps of his vocal chords, congested. What does a stupid boy like Rue know? His mother says he knows better. Knows better than to act this way. That the world is torturous. They’ll take a look at him, call him a fool. An idiot. Another stupid Black boy. Dead before he has the chance to fly. To fly… little Black boy, what you know about flying? His mother is scared. Rue knows it. Sees it in her eyes when she screams. Her fear. She passes knowledge the way of her mother’s mother. A cycle of toxic humility. Rue doesn’t know how to tell her such words slice his heart. That he feels. His feet slap black gravel. Hop in the squares, don’t touch the lines. The thick white lines, straight and neat against the watery floor. He stops, his toes skim the edge of the hopscotch grid. He pulls his leg back. Little Black boy, you dare fly? And slowly, as of pulled on a string, Rue’s crooked fingers spring from his hips. Supple fingers, plump and rigid, crinkle in excitement. Rue musters every drop of strength into the center of his bulging gut. Courage boils his fear, snatches his breath, and like a frightened bird, Rue flaps his arms. Oh, how he flies! “One, two, skip to my loo! One, two, skip to my loo!” He sings, pitching his voice like the girls in his class. The short inflections of consonants, the longevity of vowels, he matches them perfectly. Over and over. To himself, he whispers. Sleepy trees drag faded leaves across the blacktop as Rue descends his flight. A sharp ache zips his chest in two. His hands sweat. And he remembers. He didn’t come to fly, he came to hide. Hide little Black boy, hide! So he runs, weaves between the tetherball poles. Ghosts of excitement step in Rue’s footsteps, duck with him under the swinging balls only he can see. Winter steals his breath as Rue and his ghosts sing tales of Mary’s lamb and Muffin Men. Scratches of chalk flash memories of recess across Rue’s mind. Happy faces. Shouts, cries. Rue sees it all, because it’s all he’s ever done—watch. He doesn’t speak. His voice too horrid, too blunt and bland for children to empathize. And they don’t speak to Rue. But he hears when they whisper behind their tiny hands, “I don’t want to play with him.” “He’s weird.” “It’s staring at us.” Rue hits his ears, batting the voices away. He stumbles along. A mural blooms out of the dark concrete, and Rue hugs the cafeteria, runs his fingers along the rough wall. Pink, yellow. Waves of chipped blue and mossy green bend and snap, gnashing their teeth into Rue’s shoulders, spreading positivity through his body like a venomous snake. Happy children on the wall. Brown children. Gold children. Red children. Blue children. Blue children. Blu Rue looks at his hands. Splatters of dried blood on brown skin. Shards of broken plastic poke from between ashy knuckles. Rue remembers why he runs. His feet begin the rhythm again, his arms pump in tandem, his heart breathes. He had to leave the office. He wouldn’t have survived another moment. Sitting in on that hard seat, not without Blu. George took Blu. Blu Blu Please! Fix Him! Rue sat on the red triangle, book open in his lap. He rubbed his fingers between spindles of blue polyester, tried to calm down. But someone had drawn the sun in the corner of Ms. Sarah’s room, and the heat made his skin itch. He was to practice ‘self-soothing,’ which Rue came to understand meant no Blu. His mother was adamant about it this morning. Said he was too big to be attached to a toy. She wanted him to try. And oh, how Rue tried. The air was stale. A funk of Cheeto breath and erasable markers twinged under his nose. Logs of white light beamed, fluorescents unnervingly bright, and Rue watched the swollen midafternoon clouds trudge over the sky. Back against the water-stained wall, Rue brought his eyes down to the pictures between his legs. Alone, he read on the circle-time carpet. And though there were six other shapes without a partner, Rue knew no one would sit next to him. His classmates had made it clear, and Rue couldn’t push the words together to tell them he wouldn’t mind the company. Brittani would sit. But Rue knew his noises distracted her. He looked up from his book then, watched his friend flip through Judy Blume. She sat at her desk. Hers, beside his. And as if she felt him, Brittani looked up, caught Rue’s blank stare, and smiled. Rue’s heart fluttered. It was always this way with Brittani, ever since the first day she arrived at Washington Elementary. They’d become friends after Rue heard George call Brittani a name he so often called Rue, freak. Rue still didn’t understand why George said Brittani’s face was melted, and he didn’t think Brittani was disgusting like everyone else said. She was beautiful, and pink. Always pink, and always beside him. Side to side. Freak to Freak. Friends. Rue lowered his head back down to read. He blinked rapidly. His finger traced over dinosaur backs. Squeaky, monstrous, Rue chirped like the characters he’d watched on Land Before Time, grinned as he turned the page. Rue loved Spike, the dinosaur that never talked. He’d told Ms. Sarah so before he’d sat down. Just moments ago, he’d taken his book to her desk for approval, and when he’d arrived, she’d smiled. “How cute,” she’d said. Her blonde hair bounced off her delicate shoulders, and Rue had thought her voice sounded pointy. “Who’s your favorite character?” “Spike,” Rue had said. “Of course,” she’d said. “You’re both slow and don’t talk.” And Rue had simply walked away, found his spot on the carpet, and pondered Ms. Sarah’s gleeful expression. He knew something was wrong, but what? He didn’t know. So he’d dived into his book, stumbled along the pictures. Focused, Rue shook Ms. Sarah’s smile from his mind, and turned the pages. As he read, the bright classroom faded into the plush greens of the pre-historic jungle. He was with Spike and Littlefoot now. Until there were knocks on the door, and Rue had to look up, bothered by the distraction. Mrs. Cherry. A tall woman, tanner than Ms. Sarah. Her belly was squishy where Ms. Sarah’s was tough. Rue liked that Mrs. Cherry’s hands never got sweaty, and she’d let him sit in her office when he didn’t feel well. He watched her smile at Ms. Sarah. “Hey Jo, you got a sec?” And after a quick peak around the room, Ms. Sarah dragged a chair to the door, cracking it, as she stepped into the hall. Little ants began to crawl along the bottom of Rue’s toes. He knew the chair wouldn’t hold the weight of the door. And Rue stared as the heavy metal slowly overcame the small wooden chair. Anxiety munched on his belly. He slammed his eye shut. The door clicked closed, and the tranquil classroom, burst. Callow voices snaked, vibrated the floors and Rue’s chest. They took his concentration, and his eyes responded by blinking harder, faster, until he stuttered. With Ms. Sarah gone, the room was off kilter, and Rue’s eyes kept wandering off the page. He smacked his lips. His mouth felt tacky, his skin was damp from the heater. Water. Rue laid down his book, unfolded his legs to take a drink. But when he stood, he found George. Big, orange-headed George, standing at the sink. Now the walk to the fountain felt like a mile. Rue approached carefully, his steps small, hesitant. He hunched his shoulders, flinching as an unruly sneer hiked George’s lips. A child’s confidence laid pert on his rounded shoulders; in his smart eyes, a glint Rue knew meant trouble. But he was thirsty, so Rue kept on. “Hey stupid,” George said as Rue got close. Ms. Sarah and George carried the same blue eyes, the same red lips. They wore the same colors, the same brands. Rue liked how George’s hair always looked wet, but he thought it strange how crisp his pants and shirt always were. Rue’s mom never had time to care for his clothes. George twisted his face, his eyes slanted as his cheeks rose reminding Rue of a beast. “Who am I,” He said as his mouth went slack. He curled his hands and flipped invisible pages so hard, he’d have ripped them if they were real. Paul and Jacob, George’s dearest friends, bellied over cackling. Rue dropped his eyes to the shiny tile. Black lines of old gum, blotches of dried watercolor. He ignored George, and stayed the course. And as he climbed the step to reach the metal spout, the plastic stool slipped from under him. Rue flew through the air! His arms spun, the wind carried his back, and for a second, Rue floated. Weightless. But then the world’s foot stomped into his stomach, and Rue fell to the ground. Landed on his back. His brain sputtered, his mind reeled, sloshing his emotions until his brain shriveled, until his throat ran dry. His eyes burned, but Rue didn’t cry. He didn’t do anything but get up. Like a well-oiled machine, Rue picked up the pink glittery stool, lined it perfectly in front of the silver spout, retook his step, and ignored George’s jovial mocks. He pushed the valve, and the arch of crystal water met his lips. It’s just George, Rue thought. Just George. The class grew quiet. And Rue, relieved, thought Ms. Sarah had finally come back. But when he turned, his eyes landed on George, by his desk. Brittani was on the floor. And in George’s hand, Blu. Fear crammed between Rue’s fingers. He jammed them together, his mouth opened and out his lips came the birth of fear and anger: distorted, jarring moans Rue could not control. Rue’s little dinosaur had molted his green plastic scales. His white tail, exposed from Rue’s endless rubbing, shined. George laughed as Rue cried. His only lifeline was in the clutches of Evil. “Look, ” George said mockingly. He shook Blu in Rue’s face, taunting him to come closer. “What’s the matter stupid?” George asked, and Rue’s howls grew frantic. George raised his hand in the air. “You gonna cry?” “N-no,” Rue stuttered, pleaded. Hoarse, his voice was half full. George’s lips curled into his cheeks, and with a swoop of his arm, smashed Blu to the ground. Rue froze. He didn’t know it then, but as he watched his friend clatter to the floor, his heart broke. Blu, my Blu. Foamy bubbles of anger bloomed in his stomach, and like a shaken bottle, he erupted. His hands found the tops of his head, his fingers locked between tuffs of coiled hair. And Rue screamed. Brittani shouted. Her long braids swung behind her as she tussled to get Blu, but George cackled, lifted his heeled boot, and furiously stomped Blu to pieces. His yellow teeth gleamed as he watched Rue cry, viciously tearing into his pain, eating his fill. “No!” Brittani screamed. Rue crumpled to the floor, scrambled to collect the sharp plastic, and in his rush, cut his finger deep. Red gushed down the side of his finger, dripped to the shiny floor. White, pristine, now splattered with Rue’s blood. He screamed louder. He needed Blu, but Blu was broken. Fix him! Blu Please. And oh, how his classmates laughed! A circle of madness, they surrounded Rue. “Stupid,” they called him. “Freak,” they screamed. They didn’t understand! Rue felt! Sadness, anger, hurt. Rue burned. Finally, Mrs. Cherry and Ms. Sarah hurried into the room. Ms. Cherry rushed to Rue. Ms. Sarah scoffed and went to George. “What’s happened?” Ms. Cherry asked. “He must be throwing a fit,” Ms. Sarah said. “I’ve been dealing with his meltdowns all week, Barb.” Mrs. Cherry’s squishy belly pressed into Rue’s back as she held him. “Rue sweetie, where’s Blu?” But Rue couldn’t answer. In his hands, he clutched the broken body of his friend so hard, more fingers bled. Fix him! Please. “He broke it,” Brittani said to Mrs. Cherry. “He pushed him, and stepped on Blu.” “George,” Mrs. Cherry had said snippily. “You’re coming with me.” “Is that really necessary?” Ms. Sarah said. “He’s just a boy, Erica. He didn’t mean any harm.” Ms. Sarah was angry. Her demure voice went sharp, vicious. “He put his hands on another child, Jo. I have to write him up.” “Oh, I’m sure Georgie didn’t mean it, did you, Honey? I’m sure that boy isn’t innocent either.” “Joanna.” “What? He refuses to do his work, he constantly disrupts my class, but I don’t see his referral!” “Why haven’t you reported this to me? He has an IEP. You’re mandated to report his behavior.” “I don’t have time to report his little outbursts!” Rue rocked back and forth. He wished he could spin Blu’s tail. Wished he could calm down, but the noises… Oh, the voices! Blurry, disgruntled faces fuzzy and horrid. Rue couldn’t stand it and slammed his eyes shut. Mrs. Cherry rubbed down Rue’s back and said, “He’s stimming, Jo.” Ms. Sarah scoffed. She lowered her voice as if 20 pairs of ears weren’t listening to every word. “He’s not autistic, Erica, he’s troubled. You know where he comes from, what he’s seen.” A couple little voices laughed, reveled in Ms. Sarah’s words, inhaled them. Mrs. Cherry didn’t respond to Ms. Sarah. Instead she gently grabbed George’s arm. “To my office, the both of you,” she’d said. “This is absurd!” “Look at him, Jo,” Ms. Cherry snapped. Rue felt her arm tighten around his shoulders. “Look at his face, Joanna, and now look at your son’s. You tell me, Ms. Sarah, where the real problem lies. Because it’s not with Rue.” Mrs. Cherry paused, her voice disgruntled, “and I see now… it isn’t with George either.” Rue didn’t hear Ms. Sarah’s reply, but felt Mrs. Cherry’s thick arms as she led him out of the classroom and to the office. “Sheryl,” Mrs. Cherry said, rounding the curved counter of the front desk. “Take George to my office and call Yara. Tell her it’s an emergency.” “My word, what on earth’s happened to his hand?” “Here,” Mrs. Cherry handed George off, and navigated Rue to the cold nurse’s office. More bright lights, the stink of sterile seats and band-aids. Rue didn’t open his eyes, even when Mrs. Cherry sat him down. “Ms. Siu’s on her way.” Mrs. Cherry tried to take the fragmented pieces out of Rue’s hand, but he held tight. Rue didn’t want to let Blu go. No. He rocked in the plastic chair, mumbling despair. Fix him. “Alright, Rue,” Mrs. Cherry said softly. “After Ms. Siu cleans you up, you can come sit in my office, just the two of us, hmm?” Mrs. Cherry patted Rue’s cheek. “We can watch Spike and Littlefoot, maybe even Godzilla?” She asked, trying to coax Rue from his agony. But Rue couldn’t sit still without Blu… Fix him. Mrs. Cherry patted his cheek again, and closed the door. Her thick heels stamped the short carpet. Rue heard her tell Ms. Riker, “Keep an eye on him until Yara gets here.” And then Rue was alone. Him and Silence. Maddening emptiness. He couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t. So when Ms. Sheryl left her desk to get some water, he ran. He ran out the office, through the halls. He ran. Ran as his tennis shoes squeaked, as his sweatsuit chafed. He ran. And ran. And ran. Until he finds it, his castle. It sprouts from the tanbark, red and lovely. Curves of cold metal twist, circles loop from one side to the other. Chipped paint and gapped ladders. Three slides jut from the castle’s body, vessels that take Rue nowhere, but protect him from everything. Plastic springs and turning tops. Grated walls, dented with numbers and letters. And under the biggest slide, three walls, solid and sturdy. Rue’s room. Rue sprints across the basketball courts. He floats, charmed by the castle’s lure, and oh, how it beckons him! Come little Black boy, come! Wood chips splinter his skin, but he doesn’t care. He hurries under, scooting until his back hits the far wall. Hide little Black boy, hide! And then Rue’s broken heart splits in two, and he feels the hollowness in his chest. He cries. Until his eyes are swollen, curls his legs to his stomach. He sobs until his nose streams sour snot into his mouth. Until his voice gives its final bow and leaves Rue with wheezy grunts. He cries for hours. Until grief ardently knocks at his chest. Until all he can remember is the cold of sadness, the blackness of pain biting his bloody fingers. The grey of day turns into a snowy twilight. And Rue shivers, clutching broken Blu to his chest. The bitter wind rustles his clothes, his blue sweatsuit clings to him, trying to warm him. But the cold freezes his eyes shut. Icy prickles stab his veins, chilling his blood. They call for him. Ms. Sarah, Mrs. Cherry. Every adult seems to be outside, looking for him. But his hands hurt and his lips crack when he slides them open. Rue can’t make a sound. So in his red castle, he lays, alone. But then he hears them—footsteps, crunching over fresh snow. They stop at his palace door. A pair of pink fur boots with fuzzy balls tied on the laces. Thin knees bend, and Brittani pops her head down, her gentle smile shines under her furry hood. Without a word, she crawls inside Rue’s palace. The refuge they both share. Brittani and Rue. Brown skin and scars. Mental and physical. Love. Though neither knows its voice, they sing its tones, run down its jagged edges. The soft, dedication of friendship pulses between them, drives Rue’s heart to shake. Brittani holds out her pink mitten. And on it… oh. Rue’s heart leaps. Tears sting his eyes. And he clutches Brittani’s hand. Pieces broken, begin to mend. Because in the soft groove of her pink mitten, lies a little bottle of glue. Rue’s heart thumps as Brittani unravels Rue’s bloody hand, her touch like falling snow, smoother than satin. Blu falls to the ground and Brittani collects his broken pieces. And together, they crouch under the red play structure, outcasts in a found home. “Come on,” Brittani says, slipping Rue’s frozen fingers into her palms. “I’ll help you fix him.”

If Your Father Dies on Holiday in India and His Brother Whom You’ve Never Met Conducts His Funeral, Then Where For You Paining? CW: death, funeral, mental illness My uncle has a transistor radio on his shoulder, and he talks to it, spidering his fingers into his own sign language. He squats by the priest, his veshti stained and ripped where the white muslin meets the green border. His shocking pink balls pop into view. They have a spiky halo of hair like a bunch of rambutans. His penis is draped on them - a finger of ginger drying in the Chennai sun. The priest mutters something, and he sits cross-legged, pulling the muslin skirt over his knees. He settles to the sonorous Sanskrit chanting. Acrid smoke from the homam fills the room. “It’s supposed to be cleansing,nah?” Athai says. Dad’s sister. It’s pushing tears and snot into me, body fluids that were never there before. My father’s body lies wrapped in muslin, cotton wool shoved into his nostrils. I keep worrying that he can’t breathe. Mum is a lead statue next to me - she doesn’t move, doesn’t say anything. “Such a pity he never had a son,” Athai tetches. “Now our paithiam brother has to do the rites for him.” “Why didn’t I ever know about him?” “Adi shakkai! As if we like to talk about him with his schizophrenia and all. He’s been here this whole time whether you Australia people knew about him or not, isn’t it? So where for you paining?” His feet are cracked, ravines running through the soles, black with ore. He picks at his big toenail. Click, click, click. He continues chanting, following the priest’s hard thas and nasal nyas. Dad was only fifty-four. I have a terrible thought that people with mental illnesses are the ones supposed to die young of heart attacks. Athai tetches at me to be still. I can’t get comfortable on the hard floor, but I cannot leave either. Next to me mum sniffs, but when I look at her, her face is blank, as if she is patiently waiting her turn at the shops. I rub my sweaty palms on my salwar, try to breathe past the homam smoke. I wonder if I’m having a heart attack myself. The priest stands, nodding his head like a listing boat. He’s saying they want to take dad away and burn his body. I can finally go outside. I take gulps of air like it’s water. My uncle comes out with his transistor radio. He smells sweet and musky, like a rotting apple. I work on slowing my breath. He points with his chin, “My brother died.” “I know, he was my dad.” My father’s brother pooches his mouth, considering. Finally he shrugs, “He was my brother for longer, isn’t it?”. Sumitra writes in Naarm/Melbourne. She travelled through many spaces to get there and writes to make sense of her experiences. She is a proud Malaysian-Indian-Australian coconut. She’ll be the one in the kitchen making chai (where’s your cardamom?). She works in mental health. You can find her and her other publication credits on twitter: @pleomorphic2

Delinquent. I like the way the word starts because it reminds me of delicious (ness). And then, suddenly, without warning it lapses into criminality with a foreshadowing of worse to come. And then I think of errant - a synonym (?) - and all I can think of is errant joy. Which brings me to something else. I mean I don’t condone lawlessness. But shouldn’t we always ask - Who gets to decide what is permissible and right? And why?