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CW: Suicide To Shiksha: Thank you for your guidance with the plot. This would've been a lesser story without your help. Look at that skyscraper, see how the sun gleams on its vast silver facades like the whole structure’s winking at us: an invitation to draw in for a closer look. Float up to the eighteenth floor where, behind mirror-windows the size of tennis courts, lies the canteen of Boyd Frazier Capital. Keep going: closer to the massive glass screens, drifting towards our reflection, the street far below us, until we come face to face with ourselves. A word of warning: once we pass through the glass, all’s not quite as it seems. Ready then? There. Painless enough. And how nice to be out of the wind that howls ominously at this height, and into the hubbub of lunchtime chatter. And now – wait for it. Here she comes. The willowy Salma, negotiating the Formica tables arranged like drifting islands on the Atlantic blue floor tiles. See how careful she is to steer a wide berth around the team from Direct Marketing, as ever engaged heads-down in a working lunch, lest they should snag her for a document or contact. Deftly she circumvents one threat – only to be faced with another! There at a table directly in Salma’s path is Lee from Procurement, gazing up at her from his floppy sandwich. Quite what Lee procures Salma has no idea, but she presses her lips into a smile, contriving to look both hurried and regretful, and whether she’s pulled it off is anyone’s guess but by acknowledging Lee’s existence she makes his day. On she goes, to the far corner of the canteen where she sets up camp at an empty table, sitting with her back to the wall and opening her laptop to ward off unsolicited approaches. There is but one person she will engage with for the next thirty minutes and it is Faye, best friend in the whole universe (and also, since yesterday, harbinger of doom) and who, God willing, will be along any minute now. Faye is sweet and direct and honest. Faye makes the blood surge beneath Salma’s skin but today Faye represents a pivotal moment in history, really a matter of life or death. There are critical matters at hand and together the two of them must probe dark corners and determine if they are really, truly going to deal with Poppy the way they alluded to. So when Faye arrives not quite out of the blue and says, ‘What’s the plan girl?’ Salma experiences a tightening of the skin across her shoulders and a tingle in her abdomen that’s beyond the usual lighting up routine her body goes through in Faye’s presence. ‘Hey,’ Salma offers, not at all ready for The Plan. ‘Are we lunching?’ ‘I have to. It’s what lunchtime’s for. Joining me?’ ‘No, I already ate,’ Faye says. ‘Apparently it’s what desks are for. Don’t mind me though.’ ‘Okay, two secs.’ Salma extricates herself from behind the table and with a cautious glance at her laptop weaves her way to the staff fridge with the sticker reminding her that Fridays the fridge is cleaned out and any items left within will be DISPOSED OF. She locates her lunchbox among the twenty or so others and returns with it to her table, her laptop, and her Faye. And also, to yesterday evening and the source of the implosion/explosion/meltdown, or any number of suitable descriptors. * * * Salma’s battered sofa: old but squashy. Gives a hug like it’s standing in for a romantic partner, which for too long now, it has. Glass of Aussie shiraz which Salma likes because it’s both fruity and at 14%, delivers a proper kick. Laptop open as always. Faye arrived first, followed by Poppy – she of the pretty name and cataclysmic revelations – five minutes later. It wasn’t unusual for the three of them to get together in the evenings as well as during the day. In fact Salma couldn’t recall an evening in recent weeks when they hadn’t. Three friends who followed each other everywhere, in the nicest possible way. Or that was the status of their relationship at the start of the evening. By the time they went their separate ways a little before midnight there was a lot of bad blood. ‘You didn’t like what I said,’ Poppy had announced at some point near the beginning of the evening, to no one in particular and therefore to both of them. Faye, as always, was first to respond. ‘How do you know we didn’t?’ – happy to speak for both of them, Salma for the time being happy to let her. ‘You just didn’t. Neither of you did.’ But Salma knew she had to say something because if she didn’t Poppy would round on her. And Salma was insistent but gentle, the southerly breeze to Faye’s northern gale. ‘It doesn’t matter if we liked it outwardly. How’s that important? Maybe we both just needed to reflect on it.’ ‘You normally like what I say. Anyway I don’t care. You thought it was controversial and I’m fine with that. But that doesn’t mean it couldn’t be said. I’m allowed an opinion you know. And my opinion counts even if you don’t agree with it. Hell even if it turns out to be wrong, it –’ And here Poppy ran out of steam, which was common. She always seemed to have more words than there was space available. Anyway she would’ve gone on to say One person’s question is another’s brutal attack – or maybe she said it the other way round – and why’s everyone so sensitive about it? ‘You could get reported for that kind of speech,’ Faye had suggested. ‘Who’s gonna report me? One of you? No one else is listening!’ ‘Well you don’t know that do you? Anyone could be. In theory.’ ‘You’re being ridiculous and anyway: I haven’t said anything wrong!’ Which in fact, Salma reflected, she really hadn’t. But it had gone on nevertheless, arguments detonating like fireworks set off in a warehouse, until Poppy had taken her leave – stormed off really – no doubt well-oiled by that point, leaving Faye and Salma to reflect on the carnage. ‘You were uncharacteristically quiet,’ Salma told her immediately, not entirely sure Poppy was out of earshot yet and not caring because the bottle at her feet was empty. ‘What can you say?’ Faye said. ‘She’s racist and she can deny it all she wants but it’s a fact.’ Salma nearly choked on the dregs of wine in her glass. ‘Really? I mean I don’t know what she actually said wrong, if I’m honest. She didn’t offend me. I don’t think she’s out to cause offence to anyone.’ ‘Not tonight she wasn’t.’ ‘Meaning?’ ‘Meaning: last night she started on about it. She was using racial slurs, you name it.’ Salma blinked. ‘When? Where?! How did I miss this?’ ‘She has friends other than us, Salma. Obviously.’ ‘So? We all do. What does that mean?’ ‘She’s in a nasty little group and they have nothing good to say about anyone other than themselves. She thinks her conversations with them are their-ears-only, but after we left each other last night she carried on elsewhere. I kinda followed and wished I hadn’t.’ Salma was still blinking as she set her glass down with a clang. ‘Followed? You stalked her!’ ‘Maybe a little bit. Only because I had my suspicions.’ Salma didn’t need to ask where this not-so-covert conversation had taken place and how Faye and contrived to earwig it. And we, too, shall find out in due course. ‘What are we gonna do?’ Salma stared ahead, suddenly clear-headed. ‘We have to ditch her, right? I don’t think I wanna know what else she was saying.’ ‘It was. And I think we should do more than ditch her from our group.’ ‘Right – I mean I don’t know what you’re saying. Like, what else can we do?’ And Faye, being Faye, hadn’t even paused. The answer was already formed, packaged up and ready to go: ‘I can’t forgive what I heard. I’ve never felt so much hatred for someone. She has to be dealt with. Permanently.’ Which was the bombshell end to the evening. * * * Now Faye is back, in the cold and sober light of day. At any moment Poppy might turn up at this table and catch their every word – their little meeting is hardly sub-rosa. But even in the cold light of day and out from under the influence of Aussie shiraz, Salma isn’t sure she cares. If suddenly you don’t like a person, what does it matter if they know you don’t? Except: if you’re going to deal with someone permanently it’s best not to warn them in advance. Salma chews her lip. ‘Let’s talk discreetly.’ Which means moving to a place where no one can listen, away from prying ears. Because even if Poppy doesn’t turn up – which given their present setting she might – to catch them in the midst of their clandestine machinations, anyone else who cares to listen could do so with only a modicum of application. * * * ‘It’s actually not difficult,’ Faye says, the two of them now safely ensconced in a quiet corner – never mind where for now – where they can speak freely and covertly, and at length. And she’s right. To get rid of someone or wipe them out or whatever terminology we’re using really isn’t complicated. All those thorny ethics and morals: yes, rocky ground. But the mechanics? A walk in the park. And so they come up with a plan that really doesn’t take much strategising. There are only so many options available after all, the real question is one of commitment. But the intricacies, if you can call them that and frankly you can’t, they thrash out in minutes. ‘Stop saying hatch,’ is Faye’s only complaint. ‘Why? That’s what we’re doing – what we’ve done.’ ‘Because it makes us sound like cartoon villains. If we’re gonna go through with this, if this is something we want to do for the best – not just for us but for society – then we owe it to ourselves not to melodramatise it.’ ‘How do you melodramatise it? It can’t be exaggerated.’ ‘I don’t know just – don’t say hatch a plan.’ ‘Okay, whatever.’ But there’s a clutching sensation in her gut because she doesn’t like criticism. Their plan for Poppy’s permanent demise has been born, or at least conceived, but most definitely not hatched, and all that remains is for it to be carried out so that Poppy can trouble the world no longer. And that’s it. Done and dusted. End of Poppy. * * * Of course that’s not it. Did you think you’d be left hanging? That the story of Poppy and her used-to-be friends would simply plunge headlong into a wall and – end? In the sphere in which you think Faye and Salma are operating, there’d be a lot more to it. We can’t just half-witness our star players plotting a murder, and then walk out. But the fact is: we’re not in the world you think we’re in. Not that it makes the situation any less tragic, as it happens. Time to draw the veil aside. * * * Within three days of Faye and Salma’s nefarious deed, Poppy West was reported missing, which was very strange. News of Poppy’s disappearance spread in the usual fashion, rising like water in the shallow pool of the local village paper, where it grew until it overflowed into the tributaries that led to the county press. From there it surged onwards, and in less than a week had run all the way to the nationals and the TV news. Why’s that strange? After all, when someone is removed, dealt with in such a permanent fashion, surely the only thing for them to do is disappear. Or else wash limply ashore on some beach or turn up grey and waxy at the bottom of a ditch somewhere. But Poppy West’s disappearance, as reported in the media , makes for a most unexpected twist to this story. Because, as has been established, all is not as it seems. What did you think of Faye when you met her? What colour hair and eyes does she have? How tall is she? You don’t know. She might be anything mightn’t she because in truth, we never really met her. Don’t blame yourself. You took our invitation, ascending the gleaming flanks of a city skyscraper, and through a solid glass window. You came willingly on that flight of near fantasy so why shouldn’t you have taken everything that followed as gospel? You were warned before we entered that canteen (which was quite real) all would not be as it seemed. Salma was real. You really did see her making her navigating the tables and avoiding those undesirables whom she had neither the time nor the inclination to engage. You watched her find a spot, open her laptop and then – – Faye arrived. She arrived from – and remained on – Salma’s laptop screen. Salma has never met Faye in person. She doesn’t know the colour of her hair or how tall she is, although, perhaps like us, she has surmised both, and other things besides. Their conversation took place online. You noticed, perhaps, Salma’s wary glance as she left her laptop alone and unguarded on the table while she darted across to the staff fridge? She’d have left it quite happily in the company of her beloved Faye, but as we’ve established, Faye wasn’t there. Not beyond her digital presence. And what about being overheard and moving to somewhere private to continue their discussion? Simply this: social media is most assuredly public, and the not-so-beloved Poppy might have barged in (digitally speaking) at any moment. In the interests of confidentiality, Faye and Salma repaired to the secure environment of their DMs. And those meetings every evening at Salma’s house, on Salma’s comfy old sofa? Like every evening: online. On the same well-known digital platform that hosted all of their meetings. The platform where Poppy had reputedly strayed from the path of the righteous. Perhaps, if Salma had pressed Faye to reveal more of her surveillance, she may have surmised that, desperate, Poppy may have fallen into the wrong hands. Ones that promised her an equanimity so wanting in her relationship with Faye and Salma for they, as Faye might have gone on to suggest, were the alpha couple in the threesome. And remember when Poppy ran out of steam? When her words expanded beyond the available space? Yes: the dreaded character limit. Perhaps you’re there now? Perhaps we’ve arrived at the last twist? That Faye and Salma aren’t wanton murderers prepared to slay their friend in cold blood.. It makes sense: their interpretation of removing Poppy, permanently, meant reporting her account to the platform’s administrators so that her username could be barred from ever posting again. But here is the real tragedy: not a word of prejudice had escaped Poppy’s digital lips. But what was written, was taken out of context, and was enough to set the trap. It was the moment Faye had been waiting for, an opportunity to draw the blade and stab Poppy in the back. Faye had learned years ago, perhaps in the school playground, that cruelty could be declawed simply by diversion. Redirect its venomous barbs towards another victim and like magic, it is rendered harmless. When the bullied becomes the bully, a most powerful inoculation is administered. But really, was Faye a victim here? If she was, of what? The truth is, Faye was attacked by nothing more – and perhaps we should say, nothing less – than the demons in her mind. She adored Salma every bit and more than the vice versa. And three was, most assuredly, a crowd. Which meant Poppy, funny, popular, and that sickeningly appealing combination of feisty and laid back that Faye desperately contrived to be, had to go. The irony was stinging indeed, because Poppy had many people of colour among her friends. Her sister, whom she loved, was gay. She was the last person to exhibit prejudice in any of its guises. She loved everyone but sadly people who love everyone make soft targets. Poppy had been a target more than once, and swore she would never be again. * * * So here is the twist. Here’s where things take a much darker turn and where digital layers become entwined with the tattered fabric of reality. Because when Poppy logged in one evening, alone in her bedroom, door shut firmly against the violence both physical and emotional that was hurled back and forth between her mum and her mum’s boyfriend, which occasionally exploded to catch Poppy in the crossfire, she had been greeted with a stark and devastating message informing her that YOUR ACCOUNT HAS BEEN SUSPENDED. Pending appeal of course, because very little in the digital world is final. But it was terminal enough for Poppy, who at 25 felt she was too old not to have a place of her own but who couldn’t afford to do anything about that, who’d had as much of the real world as she could take because for caring people, the real world can be cruel and violent. Poppy’s digital friends had become her lifeblood and her oxygen, as evidenced now by the paling of her features and the silver sparkles suddenly flooding her vision. Distantly she knew what had happened and distantly she decided it was just. She should be condemned. She didn’t know what for, but it was appropriate because she had been condemned her entire life, and everybody else couldn’t be wrong. She deserved no place in the digital world any more than she did in the real one. And so, blinking away tears, Poppy West slowly folded her laptop, abandoning it forever, carried herself downstairs past her screaming mum and her screaming mum’s screaming boyfriend, and out the front door. They didn’t notice that she was dressed only in her pyjama shorts and a vest top. They didn’t notice her at all. It was a five-minute walk to the bleak stretch of sand that looked out over the angry North Sea, frothing in the moonlight. She was a good swimmer. Or had been. She wasn’t in shape anymore. But that had been her one redeeming feature. There were trophies and certificates in the bedroom she’d left behind to prove it. These days she ate too many ready meals and got too little exercise to be competitive. Competitive was a lifetime ago. Still, she surprised herself, beating out into the waves with strong, swift strokes. By the time she tired and stopped to look back she had covered almost quarter of a mile. Her legs hung below her in the blackness. The cold water was biting her flesh and already the muscle cramps were setting in. She panicked, knowing there was no team coach to yank her out of the water. The lights of her town looked close and warm. She thought above the wind and the fizzing waves that she could hear cars and perhaps the odd snatch of shouted greeting. Somewhere up that dark rise, among the row of lights along the hilltop, was her house. Behind one of those sets of windows her mum and her mum’s boyfriend were still going at it. Suddenly the sights and the noises of the town were another world. She didn’t belong among those voices or behind those lit windows. She didn’t belong anywhere. Say it, she urged herself as saltwater flooded her nose and mouth again. You. Don’t. Belong. Shivering, crying, gasping, Poppy pulled herself onwards through the dark water, up and down over the undulant waves, until the cold seeped into her muscles which were simultaneously burning and freezing, and they ceased to respond to the commands from her brain. * * * Poppy West was never found. Perhaps she made it out to an offshore current and her lifeless form was carried far out to sea where, full of water, it sank. Perhaps it was struck by an ocean liner and butchered by the screws. We’ll never know. But of this one thing, this singular, irrefutable fact among the swirl of illusion we’ve conjured, you may be assured: Poppy West’s existence, while conducted principally on digital platforms, ended very much irl. A word from the author: irl explores the blurred lines between the real and virtual worlds and how they can be crossed, sometimes with tragic consequences. It's a dark story that holds a mirror to our society and reflects a world that while existing only digitally, nevertheless has very literal consequences. That's where the mirror theme fits in. Matt Kruze is an occasional fiction author who writes stories that cross several genres. Normally a crime has been committed, but whether that's part of a thriller, mystery, fantasy or sci-fi, is often open to interpretation.

“There’s hardly anything left. It won’t be long before it’s just your eyes,” Belle said, holding the sides of my head and examining my face. I swatted her hands away. “Are you kidding? The face takes the longest to disappear. It could take years before everything but my eyes are gone, and I’ll be old and wasted away by then anyway. Nobody will care.” I said. I turned to the mirror to examine my fully solid and visible face. My head would continue to float around above an invisible body for ages, and would perhaps only disappear by the time I was gray and hideous. The thought of this made me nauseous. I turned away from the mirror. Belle sighed and plopped onto my bed. “Knowing you, the rest of your face will be gone in a few months. I wish it would be years; I’m still hardly used to the sight of you as a floating head.” I tried not to roll my eyes at this. Belle was always making comments like this–how terrifying, how unsettling I looked each time I achieved something significant and a new part of me disappeared. Her jealousy was evident. The only part of her that had turned invisible was her pinky finger, and I hadn’t an idea what she could have possibly achieved to gain even this small feat of invisibility. I never asked. “What are you in such a rush for, anyway? You’re really young, Lola. Most people don’t even get close to being only their eyes until they’re in their eighties or nineties, if they get to do it in their lifetime. Most people don’t even get to be only their heads, which you are, at twenty.” She stared at me with this false, overdone look of pity. Still, my organs seemed to contract at her words. Most people. I bit down hard on my upper lip, willing myself not to snap at her. But something seemed to be expanding inside of me, pushing against my thighs, my skin, and my ribs, an unidentifiable feeling that caused spots of color to bleed out on the surface of my eyes. “How many times do I have to tell you, Belle? I have zero interest in being most people,” I said. Belle blinked a few times and looked away, the look of pity still stamped on her face. “I have zero interest in being like you.” She stared blankly for a moment, then she lay down on the bed and turned away from me so I could no longer see her expression. But I knew what it was without having to see–I knew it was filled with hurt. Belle was simple, predictable in that way. . . . Eight years old is the youngest a person can be before they start disappearing. This was when the first body parts of mine turned invisible, three fingers for extraordinary achievements and impeccable underage advancement on the piano. I was sickened by the invisibility, at first. I could still feel my fingers attached to my body–I could still touch. Blood still flowed, joints still bent, in the three that had disappeared. But they just weren’t there, and I couldn’t understand why, and I couldn’t understand what could possibly be appealing about uncontrollable invisibility. I wanted to abandon the piano in hopes that my fingers would show up again. I sat on my bed for ages, staring at my hand, pinching it, hitting it against the wall, in hopes of drawing blood. Instead, I would feel a sort of numb, dull pain. . . . The first time Belle and I met, our parents sat talking downstairs while Belle dragged me to her bedroom. I didn’t feel any sort of interest towards her at first–she insisted on grabbing my hand and intertwining her fingers with my invisible ones, marveling and gaping and talking incessantly about how cool it was. I ripped my hand away from her and ran downstairs to retrieve my parents, only to overhear their conversation with Belle’s parents from outside the door. “She wants to quit piano,” My mother said. “I think she just feels too much pressure.” “I don’t think so,” My father said. “She’s too young to feel pressure. I think she’s just scared. She doesn’t understand that having invisibility at such a young age is extremely impressive.” “It certainly is,” Belle’s mother said. “We wish Belle was more like Lola. She doesn’t seem to be good at anything.” I stepped away from the door. We wish Belle was more like Lola. I had heard all I needed to hear. I was much more willing to be around Belle after that. . . . “Would you please stop studying for ten minutes?” Belle whined as I prepared for my translation studies exams. Most of my body had turned invisible from accomplishments in school. I ignored Belle and continued staring at my computer. “Can’t we watch a movie or something for a bit? I’ve just been sitting here for an hour.” “I’m not studying anymore,” I said, still not turning to look at her. “I’m reading this article. About this twenty-one-year-old in England who just became only his eyes.” Belle stayed quiet for a moment. I turned around to face her and observed her in all her solidity and clarity. I stared at her for a long moment, neither of us speaking. “You’ll get there at twenty-one too,” She finally said. Her voice was practically a whisper. You never will, I wanted to say. You will never get there. A headache bloomed in my forehead almost immediately and sweat started to gather on my upper lip. I bounced my leg up and down. “Can’t you just take a break for ten minutes? I don’t understand why you even invited me here, if you just wanted me to sit quietly so you could look at me every once in a while.” “Don’t leave,” I said quickly. “Please. I’ll be done in half an hour. You can sleep over here.” She rolled her eyes. “We both know you won’t be done in half an hour. You’re never going to be done. Even if you were only your eyes, you would want to keep going and be the first person to disappear forever.” I opened my mouth to tell her it was impossible to disappear past only your eyes, but she had already left the room. . . . Two hours had passed by the time I finished studying. I ventured to the guest bedroom, searching for Belle, and I found her buried underneath the bed covers, sleeping with her mouth wide open. I sat down on the bed next to her and watched her chest rising and falling evenly. I had the sudden urge to reach out and stroke her hair, and so I did. I tucked it behind her ears. Then I reached out and stroked her invisible pinky finger. An intense feeling of nausea and embarrassment overcame me and I abruptly stood from the bed. This movement caused the sheet I had used to cover the mirror (as I had done for every mirror in the house) to come away and reveal me in its reflective surface. I winced at the sight of my floating face, which now had gaping invisible holes where my eyebrows, mouth, and nose used to be. I quickly covered it, as quietly as I could, so as not to wake Belle. Then I ran to the bathroom and puked in the sink, the image of my half-invisible face still poignant at the front of my mind. . . . Six months later, after intensive art classes and daily painting, I entered an art competition at the university in hopes of disappearing my ears by placing first. Belle and I sat in the living room, awaiting the results. They would be posted at midnight. “Would you stop bouncing your leg?” Belle said, smiling. “You’re going to get first. I know you will. And then you’ll finally be only your eyes. Maybe then you’ll finally stop stressing out so much.” She tucked her hands underneath her thighs to stop them trembling. I refreshed the page three times. On the third, the results showed up. My name was nowhere on the shortlist. I refreshed the page again. I hadn’t been on the longlist, either. An email popped up in my inbox. It was from the head of the department of arts at the university and director of the competition. He suggested that since I was so accomplished, I should drop any art class I was taking immediately, so as to avoid a ‘stain on my record’. He said that though my painting was proficiently neat, every artwork was empty. Belle’s hand reached out for my shoulder. She felt out the air for a few moments before her hand landed on my skin. I winced. “I’m really sorry, Lola. He’s a pretentious asshole.” She said. I was cold for a moment, then blood seemed to rush everywhere into my body at once. It was all gathering, pressing directly underneath the surface of my skin, as if at any moment my body would no longer contain me. I could feel it bubbling in my throat. I could feel it in my nose. My skin began to burn, and I was certain I was bleeding from everywhere, I just couldn’t see it. I grabbed hold of my arms and pressed my lips together in an attempt to shrink and tighten myself to stop whatever was inside of me from bursting out. “How would you know that, Belle? You don’t know anything. You can’t do anything.” I said. I felt as if something was leaking from my mouth, the blood, probably. The blood was everywhere. I reached up and wiped my face. Belle only stared at me for a long while, her expression entirely blank. Then she just stood and left. . . . Another six months had passed and I was finally only my eyes. What had done it was a piano concert. I hadn’t gained any invisibility from piano in years, since I was a child, but something about this concert was different. It was applauded for being emotionally charged, for having some effect on the audience. It was as if something was pouring out of you, onto the keys, the concert director had said. When the award was placed in my hands, I felt the familiar tingle of disappearance in my ears. And it had finally happened. Pictures were taken. Autographs were signed. Articles were written. I went to the doctor’s office quickly after it had happened, because I felt an aching, dull pain in my entire body. I figured it was some side effect of near-full invisibility. The doctor said it was most likely just all the excitement, a buildup of pressure, and that it would go away soon. I decided to stop by Belle’s house after. She hadn’t contacted me, nor congratulated me, nor answered any of my calls. She opened the door as soon as I knocked and smiled at me as usual. “Congratulations,” She said, after a moment of quiet. “You’ve finally done it. I knew you would.” I nodded. “Yes, thank you.” “Do you feel less stressed out now?” “Yes,” I said. It wasn’t a lie. I didn’t feel the blood pressing against my skin anymore. It seemed to just be lapping, sloshing around inside of me now. Not rushing or anything, just existing, purposelessly. “Good,” She said. She stared at me expectantly. “I’m sorry for how I treated you, Belle. I really didn’t mean to act that way. I don’t know what was wrong with me. I’m sorry.” “Oh, that’s okay, I know you didn’t mean to.” “So can I come in?” I asked, stepping forward. She remained still in her position. “No,” She said, shutting the door. “No, you can’t.” “Belle, wait!” I said at the closed door. My voice sounded oddly quiet. I began to knock, but the sound seemed incredibly muted for the force I was putting on the door. I frowned. I began to feel a light static in my body, as if I was a carbonated pill dissolving in water. I knocked again, but this time, no noise at all resonated from the door. “Belle? Can you hear me?” I shouted. My voice was almost indistinguishable from dust floating in the wind. “Hello?” My voice was silent. I walked to the front of the house and stared into the window, but I couldn’t see myself at all. I walked closer and squinted, still seeing nothing in the reflection. Not even my eyes. I pressed my fingers against the glass. They left no mark, but instead, passed straight through to the other side. I stepped forward, and I passed right through the wall, into Belle’s house. I ran up the steps to her bedroom and rested my hand on her door handle, preparing to open the door, but instead propelled myself directly into the room. She sat reading on her bed, something I had never known she liked doing. “Belle,” I shouted soundlessly. “Belle, can you hear me?” She made no reaction. I tried to knock over objects in the room, to indicate that I was there, as if I were a ghost haunting her. But nothing was affected. I went up close to her, trying and failing to grab her shoulders, her hair, her invisible pinky finger. “Help me, Belle,” I screamed, again without sound. “There is nothing to me. There is nothing to me at all.” Danica Popovic is a 16 year old (aspiring) writer. ‘Self Loathing’ is her first published work.

Every night Mother leaves a bath-towel by the kitchen fire, in case Oliver finds his way home. ‘He must be chilled to the marrow,’ she says. The rest of us lie in the dark of our double bed, top-to-tail-to-top, and wait for the thrum of the rain and the thrash of the trees and the crunch of his boots on the gravel path. Every morning, Mother buries her face in the still-warm, still-dry towel. ‘I can smell him,’ she whispers. No one wants to tell her: it’s the stench of the river, seeping up through the floorboards.

CW: self-harm, abuse I didn't know it then, but my friend Susan stole the five-dollar bill she gave me for my birthday right out of the card while we ate cake, but my mother assumed my cousin Deanna had taken the money and called her mother, informing her of the theft. "I told you about her," my aunt said. I didn't know it then, but when Deanna's father fell on hard times last year, Deanna stole Wrigley's spearmint gum and a Hershey bar from the corner store, and her mother told my mother that Deanna couldn't be trusted anymore and was nothing more than a thief. I didn't know it then, but later, when Deanna's father heard about my missing birthday money, he gave Deanna a beating, and then she cried herself asleep. "I warned you what would happen," my uncle told her. I didn't know it then, but the following morning, Deanna made tiny cuts on the inside of her arms to forget about the money, the strawberry-colored welt on her arm from the belt buckle, and the bruises peppering the back of her thin legs like tiny purple plums. "Please God, let me die," Deanna prayed. I didn't know it then, but my friend Susan's conscience had gotten the best of her during the party, and she tried putting the money back into the envelope. But my mom walked back into the room, and Susan got spooked, so she crammed the money into a nearby seat cushion where Deanna later sat. "Now what do I do?" Susan wondered. I didn't know it then, but Deanna saw the corner of a five-dollar bill peeking out from between the cushions and pulled it out. But my mom came in to clear our plates, and Deanna panicked, so she shoved the money into her pocket. "I hope Auntie didn't notice," Deanna worried. I didn't know it then, but I don't even want that five-dollar bill and wish I had the chance to give it back.

“Nous sommes La triste opacité de nos spectres futurs.”1 -Stéphane Mallarmé In autumn, I sit and drink coffee or tea or hot cocoa and watch the traffic on the street, the people walking dogs or rushing to office buildings or late for class. In autumn, the coffee or tea cools quicker with the nip of winter on the horizon. Those future flakes, just around the next corner, will fill the sky replacing leafy hues of amber and orange. One time, after pumpkin carving and the tears of another lost year, the coffee cup warmed my fingers and I saw a young woman run for a bus. Her collar turned to the winds and her eyes shaded behind the last vestiges of summer days: her beach-worn sunglasses. She paid her fare and was gone. The bus too, gone like the wild, youthful days loafing in Nirvanic diner bliss. One time, after the final yard clean-up with the fears of tomorrow taking hold, I watched a pair of opaque ghosts discuss tropical adventures with beer and women. These ghosts sat transparent in my peripheral dreams. “When you go,” one said, “they let you do anything; the women are up for whatever.” In autumn, the tears of lost years bathe us in predictable futures. They dampen the hems on our dungarees, our corduroys, our perfectly tailored slacks. We roll up cuffs, but the sea of tears keeps rising. Our shoes full, we return to coffee or tea or humble hot cocoa and breath deep the still, sad music, the sad opacity of long days yet to come. 1 from “Toast Funèbre” by Stéphane Mallarmé. Andre F. Peltier (he/him) is a Pushcart and Best of the Net nominated poet and a Lecturer III at Eastern Michigan University where he teaches literature and writing. He lives in Ypsilanti, MI, with his wife and children. His poetry has recently appeared in various publications like CP Quarterly, Lothlorien Poetry Journal, Provenance Journal, Lavender and Lime Review, About Place, Novus Review, Fiery Scribe, and Fahmidan Journal, and most recently in Menacing Hedge, The Brazos Review, and Idle Ink. His debut poetry collection, Poplandia, is available from Alien Buddha. He has three collections forthcoming in 2023, Trouble on the escarpment from Back Room Books, Petoskey Stones from Finishing Line Press, and Ambassador Bridge: Poems from Alien Buddha Press. In his free time, he obsesses over soccer and comic books. Website: www.andrefpeltier.com

Losing Face Don’t look in the mirror. Tilt ten degrees down: the phone, not the face. Tilt face to one side. Smile. Not a real smile. No teeth. Click. Look at the face on the screen. Edit the jawline and the nose. Remove awkward freckles. Add smattering of cute freckles. Erase fatigue under eyes. Look at the new face on the screen. Smile. A real smile. Post. Don’t look in the mirror. Remove eyelashes. Pull hair back with a scrunchie. Silk. Dry. Wet cotton pad with cleanser. One pad at a time, wipe eyelids, forehead, nose, cheeks, chin, neck. Repeat until last wet cotton pad shows no color. Wash face with astringent soap and cold water. Pat skin dry. Don’t look in the mirror. Pull on sweats Braid hair. Make cup of honey lemon water (without the honey). Catch an accidental glimpse of reflection in the window. Wince. Wish you looked like the face in the screen. Papaya Summers The night before you ate your first papaya, I cried myself to sleep. The next day, eyes still swollen, I made you giggle as I danced you into the kitchen, sing-songing a monologue on the delights of tropical fruit. I sliced a papaya open while you supervised from your highchair, your baby forehead barely wrinkling despite your intense concentration. You cooed when I scooped out the gleaming black seeds, then went silent, watchful, as the tender fruit flesh was scraped and piled onto a spoon that airplaned its way into your mouth. You didn’t know what to do. Not then. Not yet. You dug little fingers into the mound of papaya and licked your fists, then missed your mouth and spread fruit on your cheeks, your head, your nose. We laughed together as orangish blobs dribbled down your cheek and you looked at me, eyes as shiny and black as papaya seeds, as if to say: Do you see this, Mommy?! Did you know this about this already? Crying had been ridiculous. I knew that. Of course children grow, and one cannot breastfeed forever. I was happy for you. It was time. You were ready. Crying had been essential. In the first months of your life, I had grown accustomed to the heady power of being someone’s everything. When I walked into a room, your face lit up. When I held you, your whole body melted into my arms, legs curled in, fist wrapped around a lock of my hair, face relaxed in contentment. When I nursed you, you were replete. Feeding you anything other than my own milk would be evidence of the obvious: I was not, would not, could not ever be all you needed. The papaya was glorious. It was time. You were ready. But the night before you ate your first papaya, I needed to cry myself to sleep. It was the pause before the step. In the decade and a half since that first papaya, you were introduced to so many other firsts. You gorged on mangoes and cherry-picked berries. You tried pastries that looked delectable and turned out to be tasteless. Sometimes you hesitated, wary, only to be surprised with bursts of flavor. You tried to eat wooden blocks or plastic Legos. Sometimes you refused to try at all. Eventually you learned that with food, as with life, you can play it safe or you can choose to explore and savor. I will not cry myself to sleep tonight, the last of your childhood summers. I understand that joy plays tug-of-war with the certainty that nothing will ever be the same again. Amy Marques grew up between languages and cultures and learned, from an early age, the multiplicity of narratives. She penned three children’s books, barely read medical papers, and numerous letters before turning to short fiction and visual poetry. She is a Pushcart and Best of the Net nominee and has work published most recently in Streetcake Magazine, MoonPark Review, Jellyfish Review, Gone Lawn, and Parenthesis Journal. You can find more of her work at https://amybookwhisperer.wordpress.com.

I wince at the alien sound of my own voice. We’re bickering playfully in the clip. I’m awkward, pedantic. She’s adorably careless, as ever. Her laughter is like birdsong. We’re grinning care-free on Perranporth beach under cloudless sapphire skies – sea-tousled hair and skin sparkling with salt and sandy grains. “You’re doing it again. It’s a crime against nature. Every time you record a vertical video, an angel dies – you know that, don’t you?” “Why? What’s wrong with vertical video?” She glints with a gleeful mischief, knowing we’ve had this conversation a dozen times, knowing that a sliver of genuine annoyance hides beneath my jokes. She wheels the camera in selfie mode, turning the world around our fixed point in a joyful looping blur of cool seas, rugged cliffs, and golden sands. I stop the whirling with an arm around her waist. We are about to kiss, but the video ends abruptly before our lips meet. Sitting alone in the strangely quiet house, I stare at this final image, frozen on the widescreen TV we chose together. The vivid picture of us lives in a thin strip, sandwiched between blocks of empty black. Mathew Gostelow (he/him) is a fledgling writer, in Birmingham, UK. His strange tales have been published by Lucent Dreaming, Ghastling, Ellipsis, Stanchion, Cutbow, and others. He was nominated for the Pushcart Prize in 2022 and has won prizes from Bag of Bones, Bear Creek Gazette, and Beagle North. @MatGost

The summer before my senior year of high school, I was in a youth production of Measure for Measure (one of the Shakespeare plays that scholars have collectively packed up into a little box and hidden in the attic behind some old snowshoes). I played Duke Vincentio—one of the leads—which I was excited about at first, until I realized that I needed to memorize 194 lines, or just about a third of the entire text in the play. This meant I spent a good deal of July pacing around my basement, squatting and kicking and dancing along to iambic pentameter in a desperate effort to memorize all my lines. Because I was speaking so much (and because I kept straining my throat), I ended up needing to go on vocal rest for the two weeks leading up to the show—first as a casual measure, and later because I could only get through all my lines if I was on constant vocal rest. I could also only say all my lines once every day. During rehearsal, I would have one run-through where I actually said the damn words. All other times we worked scenes, one of the adults would read them off-stage and I’d mouth along. To run lines, I would lip-sync along to a voice recording of myself saying all my lines. I talked to my family and friends by typing everything through a text-to-speech app. Beyond the app’s absolute lack of comedic timing, it took so long for me to type out what I wanted to say that by the time I was ready to press “play,” the conversation had already moved light years ahead, leaving me with endless drafts of robot monologues. Backstage, I used an electric kettle to brew up to five cups of tea every show, and I was popping cough drops left and right. The adults—from the director to the stage manager to all of the fantastic teaching artists—were endlessly patient and accommodating. We only had five performances, and boy, oh boy, was that enough for me. On the fourth and last day of shows, we had a matinee in addition to our regular evening show. That night, we had barely made it to the end of the first half of the show when my voice started giving out. I could hear myself barely mustering a talk-whisper until the lights finally went out and the first half was over. Backstage at intermission, I went to Lindsay and Anneke, two of the teaching artists for the show, and told them that my voice was getting really weak, that I wasn’t sure if I could make it through the end of the show. They said that I hadn’t sounded half as quiet as I’d thought I had, that they knew I could do it, and that if I needed extra time to chug a half gallon of honey lemon tea, they’d make it work. Because they believed I could do it (and because of exactly two cough drops and one and a half cups of tea), I was able to pull through. Later, when the second half of the show was over, Lindsay confessed, “I actually was really scared—I was frantically like, ‘Oh God, do I need to go on and read their part?’ But I knew that saying that would just psych you out, so yeah, I definitely lied about how confident I was.” The next morning—the day we were going to strike the set and say our last goodbyes to our fellow cast members—I woke up with absolutely no voice as well as a nasty head cold. I went to strike, of course, because I’m a good little theatre kid, and because I wanted to see everyone one last time. In addition to playing the lead, I had also decided for some reason to take on the role of a costume designer. So on strike, I went upstairs to help organize costumes, sorting out which pieces had come from storage and which had been brought in by actors. “Hey Noah, where should this one go?” one kid, Jeff, said, holding up a grey military jacket. I gestured to the rack in the corner of the room. “What?” Jeff said. I pointed more forcefully and mouthed ‘Over there.’ “Where?” “On the rack!” I said in a barely-audible croak. “Oh, okay,” he said, a little taken aback by the state of my voice. Downstairs, I ran into Mike the director while organizing a pile of clothes to get dry-cleaned. “So you really can’t talk, huh?” he said. I shook my head. “What does it sound like if you try?” he said. He’s not a cruel man so I was surprised by this question. “Like this,” I wheezed, annoyed. “Oh geez,” he said. “You’ve really lost it.” After strike, Lindsay was kind enough to give me a ride home. “So what are you doing for the rest of the summer?” she asked as we headed onto the highway. We sat in silence except for the sound of me tapping frantically. Then: “I don’t — have — any — big — plans. — Probably — just — hanging — out — and — getting — my — driver’s license,” my app’s robot voice said. “Oh, okay,” she said, shifting uncomfortably. “Is your mom going back to work on that project with Sarah?” More tapping. “Yes, — she — is.” “Nice, nice,” she said. She started to speak again before she noticed that I had started typing. “What — are — you — doing — the — rest of — the summer,” my robot said. It never quite got the hang of question marks or exclamation points so every sentence sounded the same. “I’ll be spending a lot of it working on writing up grant proposals,” she said before pausing. “Man, this is weird.” “Yeah — I know. — I’m sorry — you — have to — talk — to — a robot.” “I’m more sorry for you, having to type everything out,” she said. “You’re not mad at us, right, for making this happen? Giving you such a big part?” “No. — It’s — more — my fault — for — not — being able to — take — supported — breaths.” “Well, I guess it’s a little of both. You know, we were like, ‘Noah will be the Duke because they’re the only one who can learn all those lines.’ And if it took you down this hard, I really doubt another kid could’ve handled it.” “Yeah, — it — was — a pain — in the ass. — But — I’m not — mad — at you — guys.” “Good, good,” she said. We pulled into my driveway soon after, and I waved as she drove away. I went upstairs and crawled into bed, immediately zonking out. I spent the next two weeks under the covers sleeping, watching old episodes of Scooby Doo, and stockpiling tissues. I hurt for two entire weeks because of Shakespeare, and of course, all I wanted to do afterward was jump back into another show and dig into some more iambic pentameter. A word from the author: A personal essay about how I lost my voice during a high school Shakespeare production, or, an exploration of the absurd lengths I will go to out of devotion to the bard.

I read Patrick Nevins’ Man in a Cage in one sitting on an airplane. My real movement through time and space in an engineering marvel was an apt location to take in Nevins’ work. The novel moves deftly us through time, space, and the science, or, to be more accurate, the pseudo-science of its day, the late 19th century. Man in a Cage fictionalizes the experience of the real Richard Garner, a man who fancied himself one of the leading naturalists of the day and who set out to expand Darwin’s theory of evolution through the study of primates. Nevins’ work is fiction but it is clear he sourced his material carefully and he does not shy away from the pervasive racism of the epoch. At the novel’s outset, Gardner shares his belief that primates make use of language, albeit in a primitive manner. He first developed this theory through the observation of primates in captivity and becomes convinced that he can prove it with the use of the phonograph as a recording machine. Garner cites a scientist who recorded the songs of Maine’s Indians. “If a scientist could use the phonograph to study the primitive speech of America’s savages, then it followed that an intrepid thinker could use the same technology to capture the speech of monkeys and apes –”. As a reader, it was tempting to put the book down at that moment. Why would I want to read about an individual with such repugnant thoughts, even in fiction? But Nevins is too good of a writer to let go. He nimbly walks us through Garner’s quest, giving us brief history lessons in the process. Gardner, himself, despite displaying these bold-faced prejudices is drawn as a complex character. He questions slavery, frowns upon the institutions of religion, and appears to hold a deep affection and caring for his simian companions. He’s a sworn man of science but can only get published in a popular magazine and struggles to fund his research. Finally, he’s also an unreliable narrator. The novel’s core revolves around Gardner’s eventual trip to Gabon where he intends to study chimpanzees in the wild and ultimately prove his theory. Gardner’s journey is never smooth. He fails to secure his vaunted phonograph and finds himself ridiculed rather than hailed in London. In Africa, he becomes beholden to Father Buleon, a Catholic Priest who oversees the mission of St. Anne’s which will become the base for Gardner’s foray into the deep jungle. Buleon also sees himself as a naturalist having been employed by the France’s National Museum to study primates. The two men meet and Nevins gives us a perfect window into Gardner’s mindset. “I nearly choked on claret so surprised was I by Buleon’s declaration, for I never would have guessed that an esteemed museum would trust scientific work to a missionary.” As the novel continues, and we see the conflict between the two men escalate, we’re never quite sure of whom to trust. Nevins also begin to weave in African characters. On his first foray into the jungle, Gardner falls sick, hallucinates a speaking gorilla, and is rescued by a native translator, Odanga, who quickly shows himself to be Gardner’s intellectual superior. In discussing slavery, an institution that greatly benefitted Gardner’s family, Odanga says, “I have learned enough to know that American slaves were machines whose backs and families were broken to build up that nation.” This statement, from an African in the late 19th century resonates across the ages and causes Gardner to reflect that he “could no longer come to his country’s defense.” Unfortunately, Gardner is not enough of a thinker to extend this epiphany to an understanding of racial equality, maintaining his view of the African as a savage. Eventually Gardner installs himself in a cage in a jungle, derisively named Fort Gorilla. Despite the hardship and detractors, Gardner does not let himself be deterred from his mission. Once settled, he writes his neglected wife that he fully expects his phonograph to arrive and that his trip will be a “major contribution to natural history.” The ensuing pages contain hilarity, tragedy, and pathos, but it is not giving away too much to say that Gardner, though firm in his beliefs to the end, doesn’t make that contribution. He does find an orphaned chimpanzee, befriends and possibly lusts after a young nun named Sister Marie, and alternates between the comfort of the mission and his cage in the deep jungle. Late in the novel, we learn that Fort Gorilla sits but a mile from the mission and that it’s unclear how many nights Gardner actually spent there. His reliability varies with his scientific acumen. Nevins gives us hints of Kurtz’ descent in Heart of Darkness but never let Gardner go that far. Man in a Cage also provides a nod to Conrad’s great critic, Achebe, in its portrayal of the humanity of the African characters, a humanity Gardner does begin to greater appreciate over time. Unlike Kurtz, Gardner does manage to leave Africa and his return to Europe and America is marked both in comedy – he’s amazed by people commuting on rubber wheeled bicycles, as well as introspection – he finds himself, for the first time, looking squarely in the eye of a free Black man in America. Ultimately, Gardner never finds scientific fame but cannot resist returning to the African continent where he continues to evolve in his views of the native people. The final paragraph and final line of the novel are beautiful and haunting. Man in a Cage highlights the blatant racism of colonialism, ponders on the scientific method, and gives a portrait of a complicated man exposed to both, but not fully aware of either. The writing is fluid with precise historical details and subtle humor. But this novel does not strictly belong in the realm of historical fiction. We live in a time when basic scientific facts are disputed by charlatans with power. In a time when some of those same powerbrokers are mandating that books about folks who look different than they do, be removed from school shelves. Nevins’ novel aptly illustrates Faulkner’s famous quote about the past and gives us a view of our current realities. This debut novel is remarkable and this reader is left to wonder where Nevins’ interests and talents will next lead. A word from the publisher: you can purchase Man in a Cage by @Patrick_Nevins from @MalarkeyBooks here: http://malarkeybooks.com/man-in-a-cage

Da died suddenly, leaving Maggie no time to plan or properly pack. She’d thrown a handful of underwear, a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and sweater in her suitcase. None of it was black. She’d called Weston Gallery to inform them she’d be gone a day or two. Death in the family. There was no one else to tell since Ginny left her last year. Ginny never met Da anyway. Maggie retreated into Da’s study after the funeral, avoiding as many people as possible. She sat in his brown leather chair and ran her hands down the armrests. As a child, Da would read to her as she snuggled half on his lap, half on the billowy cowhide. Maggie tried to breathe in the scent of well-worn leather, but only the faint smell of old books lingered. Maggie made her way to the doorway. As she glanced across a crowded room of people who felt like ghosts to her, something took hold. A faint longing to have them envelope her and carry her back to childhood—back before she escaped the never-ending green pastures to attend college in Dublin. Before she’d become what Da called “my city girl.” Since then, her yearly visits for Christmas ended with the eggnog toast. Maggie always found herself snug in her flat by the wee hours of Boxing Day. Maggie watched as Mrs. McFarland, the church organist, stood at the punch bowl, cup in one hand, flask in the other. Mr. Watkins, the piano teacher who’d called her playing “charming,” sat on the couch chatting with Mr. O’Reilly, the owner of the local pub and Da’s best friend. Neither seemed to have aged in twenty years. Father Murphy was in the far doorway consoling her Ma. His face full-on Irish blush, Ma’s full-on sorrow. Maggie seemed to be floating in a bubble, as if she wasn’t there at all. She wondered if anyone noticed her multiple piercings or that she wore the black dress from high school graduation she found in her closet, slightly tight in all the wrong places. Maggie was in a time warp, but she was still the one out of place. “I can’t believe you stayed after the funeral,” a familiar voice echoed behind her. Maggie turned. It was Harriet, her first crush from middle school, all bouncy brunette curls and piercing blue eyes. “Daughterly duty.” Maggie straightened out her dress. “Nice dress by the way. Looks familiar.” Harriet offered her a glass. “You need this.” Maggie took it and drew it toward her lips. The distinct smell of Jameson’s reminded her of Da. “He was a good man.” Harriet took a step closer and leaned against the wall. Her Da was a good man. Maggie admired him as a child, and they were close until she reached puberty and withdrew the way teenage daughters do. She knew better than to discuss her fondness for girls with the man who said grace at dinner and tried to set her up with every farm boy for miles. Da went to his grave thinking she was too picky to say yes to marriage. “That he was,” Maggie said, before draining the glass. Harriet laughed. “You learn to drink like that in the big city?” Maggie wasn’t sure if Harriet was teasing or flirting. “An Irish lass doesn't have to learn.” Harriet took the glass, letting her hand linger a moment on Maggie’s. “I didn’t realize it then,” she said with a smile, “things are different now.” Piano music erupted from the living room. It wouldn’t be long before the walls would rattle from a cacophony of voices crooning Irish ballads. Someone would come looking for Maggie to ask her to play, surely she could still play. Harriet read her mind. “You’re going to have to play, you know.” “I didn’t think you remembered—” “I remember everything about you, Mags. Another?” Maggie nodded. Harriet started for the kitchen, but turned around, “It’d be nice if you stayed around longer.” Mr. Watkins spied Maggie from across the room and motioned her to join them. Mrs. MacFarland was pounding out My Wild Irish Rose when Harriet returned and handed her the glass. Without saying a word, together they took two steps forward. Sally Simon (ze/hir) lives in the Catskills of New York State. Hir writing has appeared or is forthcoming in Emerge Lit, Truffles Literary Magazine, (mac)ro(mic), HerStry, and elsewhere. Sally is a reader for Fractured Lit. When not writing, ze’s either traveling the world or stabbing people with hir epee. Read more at www.sallysimonwriter.com.

SABLE You step into this city & Everything tells you they know Of dying, of burning. They paint You war-red, paint a wedding dress Black, with a cascade of embers. Here, we’re all ghost cosplaying As humans— Waiting to be untethered from Our bodies by the next gunshots. Every day, we’re promised Armistice, by the guns empurpling Our evenings. Which is why I bear A scar above my thigh for when this City pulled me back, so I know Of my amateurish art of escapism. Now, we all drown into dreams Of living things, to escape this city, To watch the fire dancing on the Mountains of the nation below. SANS SABLE And now, the bullets have granted our Bodies armistice, but to what end? The grounds are now impregnated With the weight of a city, and they Do not groan. Ashes of ruins now Taint the wind, and the relics of what Grief leaves behind permeates The morning adhan—including Memories of fire, gunshots, blood & exit wounds. Today, I traverse A street and I’m not the next meal Of bullets, except that something Is marathoning inside me, meaning, My body is a burning house Of broken records. Everything Left in our mouths from these wa(te)rs Are the sordid aftertaste of gloom, & The drowning that accompanies the Heaviness of silence. Today, we close Our eyes and we’re not spooked by Burning mountains, but the memories Of what they burnt. Today, The oneirocritic translates a dream, And it does not end in chaos.

It’s been raining since Christmas yet the water is lower than ever before and there’s a newly revealed rock looks like the hood of a car and all sorts of imaginary accidents play consecutively in my head before I finally agree with Maggie that it’s a rock, although I don’t entirely agree, mostly because I can’t believe such a gigantic thing has kept its secret for so long. We were born in this house and thought we knew everything. And then around the curve, another. What else goes on that I don’t know about? I keep losing them in the fog until I get them again with a crash like chewing tinfoil and then three more around the next bend and although I do not feel quite as betrayed by these, this time I say it out loud. What else goes on that I don’t know about? And that’s when she told me Claire was coming. But first, our beach. It’s mostly rocks but before you picture it, before you let rocks similar in size and greyness roll into your head, let me tell you, our beach is an exuberation of rocks. How can I say it? Imagine you’re in audience at the OG explosion and you’re like I’ll take that one, that one, that one, that one over there, yes, that one, and that entire galaxy on your left, that one, that one, those three there, that one, that one, all of those, that one. I mean our beach was mind-blowing rocks some big as trains I bet but we only saw what poked out like the way icebergs are, their colours you’d have to make up names for like Spriken or Youtza or Lomury, and some so black your definition of black changed, some with stripes like flashes of light and you could see the similarities between them like family, you knew they hurtled eons (also a good colour name!) in one mass might have been their own planet even. And it was only our stretch of beach they populated so generously like the playground of a giant blessed child they were strewn and tucked and any other adjective you can think of. I just want you to understand the celestialness of it you see. When? When what? When’s Claire coming? Now. She’s coming now. Today. We had already turned back, all five of the new rocks were visible, the fog was ebbing or maybe it was me not minding so much I mean if you’re talking about being blindsided, the new rocks had nothing on Claire. Sherry is from the wilds of Ontario. She writes the kind of stories she longs for and can rarely find. thestoryparade.ca