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Dollar store Conor Oberst with a Bandcamp account The Satanic Bible on your mantle and the Tao Te Ching on your nightstand – you dread, yet await anxiously, the cloudy day you bury your old dog in your backyard – death comes swift but it will be tardy. The clouds hover over Brower Park, where I waited for you, struggling with no sense of direction cold feet and cold weather. You gutted your apartment a few years back, revealing the carriage tracks hidden under. I lay down in my wholeness, embracing words pacing out of your mouth like horses, in bed you act exactly like how one would act on stage I thought as you told me of your ancestry, listing down gravestones like groceries. We hate Lou Reed but John Cale’s okay. The more you get high the more you refer to yourself in the third person, your middle name slipped out of your lips (I could’ve cracked a security question). When you sing your John Prine you have that Southern twang I used to imagine in my visions of America – slow and calculated, aware of its share of pain. The more I think of when you touched me the more I’m willing to be used by you. Kick me to the curb, drag me through the asphalt. I’ll wait for you, on your couch, a glass of wine in my right hand, our legs barely touching. The old dog heavy heaved next to me, awaiting his death. In the distance, John Prine sings: Summer’s end is around the bend just flying. pacing around soho saying “i hate myself” as to lighten the weight of my feelings i pass by a small venue running a play recommended by a friend – “i should watch it” i uttered almost pausing my thoughts. i imagine how these streets used to be gritty, full of freaks, hunting down griffin dunne the yuppie braggadocio finding himself in unfamiliar blocks, his penis leading the way through the maze. yes, sometimes i’m griffin dunne in after hours, floating in between the city blocks, paranoid that my impure thoughts would catch up to me. “say yes” playing on my earphones. i got reminded of you, and that night we bumped uglies after you played me elliott smith and talked rambunctiously of mark kozelek’s producing career – me vaguely recognizing the namedrops but i listen anyway because i am infatuated with you and in that moment of fucking stupidity i wished i could extricate that night in a small tube and sniff on it whenever i like. sometimes feelings aren’t this clear. but now it’s loud as ever. i tripped on a belgian block down white street. i jolted, awake. park avenue tuesday bacon egg and cheese in my hand, wishing i was naked in somebody’s bed. not another day of unread emails and watered-down cups of coffee ahead. the pack of menthols in my pocket i bought for a friend bore witness to microsoft teams meetings explaining sql to stakeholders on spreadsheets. at lunchtime i walked out my building, a car swerved in front of me life flashed before my eyes. suddenly i am dustin hoffman in midnight cowboy, flinging the bras d’honneur. hey im walking ere. they’re rebuilding the jp morgan building, every day the steel beams grow taller and taller. i grabbed a gyro sandwich ate it in two minutes because who gives a fuck, i walked down a church basement where swedish aunties munch on their cinnamon buns. i sat there with them in my bibi andersson moment until one of them started talking about how good funny girl was that sunday. none of that swedish brooding you see on the criterion collection, no more sorrow and anguish, it is a time of joy and tap dancing, and i believe it, i want to believe it, the tea ran cold and the cinnamon bun untouched in that plate as i tried to make myself believe yet every day the steel beams grow taller and taller on park avenue. Patricia Kusumaningtyas is an Indonesian poet, playwright, and critic based in Brooklyn, NY. Previously, they wrote and directed "Al Pacino Eyes" (2022) for The Players' Theatre Short Play Festival in New York. Her poems have been published in HaluHalo Journal and Culinary Origami. Besides working in the realm of theatre and writing, she is also a tech worker.

Spiritual Awakening cousin rolled up in grandpa’s backyard waiting for the one to come home grandpa said “you can’t control a man, but you can control your emotions” yea yea blah blah i released them anyway nature of man nature of man where did my love go? i carried the emotional weight on my shoulders my heart waited for hours but He never came. uncle asked “nyah. Do You Know What A Slop Jar Is? no. i don’t listen to this donald byrd 1973 a melodic high beyond words, funky rhythms shroud us like a forcefield, a time capsule punching my soul i feel nothing now these country nights ancestral experience right in front of my eyes my whole life why couldn’t i see it before? “i’m sittin on a slop jar waitin for my bowels to move i’m sittin on a slop jar waitin for the pain to go” he passed the j over to me i couldn’t take it no more why must we go through this sufferin’? i’ve been searching for answers ever since. Freedom sometimes I wonder what does freedom feel like we’re not free, our bondage has taken a new form i wish you all could see it like I do i’m running from something hidden inside me my mind shows me all I need to know i‘m not in control anymore I’ve surrendered to Spirit guiding me, divinely. i’ll never lose, Beloved. i see my ancestors around me in everyone why can’t we see it? it’s been blinded from us. but wow, if We are the descendants of queens kings and gods, then why can’t we be those too. they’ve minimized us once again, but Freedom is near I can feel it. the astronomer said if you look to the sky, you’ll be guided by generational stories. oh I wish we knew the stories our people told of the vast sky and it’s secrets unfold we all have a story we all have a goal i’ve been arrested because of my mind alone. isn’t that powerful? i’ll share my story in time but all I can do is write write until i’m free. Shit, I feel free. Acceptance coming to terms with my condition is the hardest thing i can do you mean the old me died system cracked and now i have to make do with the new? something like that but ill be okay ill be alright ill live a normal life i deserve at least that. Vulnerable To be vulnerable is to die Every person I like I can’t get it together I bottle my emotions like water I dance around my meanings in fear I wait til the bond fizzles out and scream All I wish I could’ve said when I had you in my reach how unfair to you and cowardly of me Nyah Bernucho is a recent Howard University BA graduate from Austin, Texas. She’s a writer, DJ, model, and digital designer. Nyah loves to create art that inspires others and shares stories of the Black experience.

Stone Dove the first time I read about the bird and the cage it sung herself out of I waited to hear something award winning – the audacity of youth can pick apart bread to feed them at the lake and kill them with a purse at the bus stop with the same hand. I was never allowed to bring pets in the house, which is what I called a jar of rollie pollies and grass, or a water bottle with a gold fish or a lizard tossed to the dark of a bin of plastic men. the first time a man feeds me through his grape- vine I choke on the seeds in his backyard. we didn’t belong indoors and for a moment there was freedom in that – the choice to be disgusted before the self-induced plucking. I always wanted to smile for those born outside, boys like me were raised to strip and called something else entirely. by the time I was kept I wanted to die with or without him in his room. by the time I was freed every drink tasted spiteful. every bath an exoskeleton frozen by the sun, every reflection nested in the corners of my ears chirping a negro’s anthem- national only if you know them by name. I say I don’t play like that and a feather spirals in my direction in search of this life I was told to get a while back. Condensation as Bullet the house points towards the sky I grew up in, while falling apart is now to speak with your jaw bursting; how expensive to live. a cloud becomes a dream. Ode To Her PJs you probably didn’t know her. heard her name on the intercom every morning. looks like she’ll beat your ass. is actually a sweetheart. probably never spoke until that one fight during lunch. couldn’t spit game at her for she was the mouth straw and paper ball. didn’t laugh at your jokes cause wasn’t shit funny. didn’t know she was bad till the dance. was hilarious. hopped fences. didn’t raise her hand a lot but silenced the whole class when the grades were posted. posted by the staircase with her girls. posted at the bus stop alone. forgot her backpack. would lend you a pencil. always carried a book. pajama day was when she said it was.

A feather like quality, a child’s cruelty. Holding the prejudice of the adult— of a burden to fat to carry in their little arms, they persist. They hold it tight, keep it close no matter if their hearts sing, or their chests burn; and they always burn, because malevolence is never sweet, never tepid. It’s hot or bitterly cold. He runs until his bones break. Snow falls, powdery white. Every flake touches his agony, catches in his lashes. Over and over, his lips purse. Words spill, the flaps of his vocal chords, congested. What does a stupid boy like Rue know? His mother says he knows better. Knows better than to act this way. That the world is torturous. They’ll take a look at him, call him a fool. An idiot. Another stupid Black boy. Dead before he has the chance to fly. To fly… little Black boy, what you know about flying? His mother is scared. Rue knows it. Sees it in her eyes when she screams. Her fear. She passes knowledge the way of her mother’s mother. A cycle of toxic humility. Rue doesn’t know how to tell her such words slice his heart. That he feels. His feet slap black gravel. Hop in the squares, don’t touch the lines. The thick white lines, straight and neat against the watery floor. He stops, his toes skim the edge of the hopscotch grid. He pulls his leg back. Little Black boy, you dare fly? And slowly, as of pulled on a string, Rue’s crooked fingers spring from his hips. Supple fingers, plump and rigid, crinkle in excitement. Rue musters every drop of strength into the center of his bulging gut. Courage boils his fear, snatches his breath, and like a frightened bird, Rue flaps his arms. Oh, how he flies! “One, two, skip to my loo! One, two, skip to my loo!” He sings, pitching his voice like the girls in his class. The short inflections of consonants, the longevity of vowels, he matches them perfectly. Over and over. To himself, he whispers. Sleepy trees drag faded leaves across the blacktop as Rue descends his flight. A sharp ache zips his chest in two. His hands sweat. And he remembers. He didn’t come to fly, he came to hide. Hide little Black boy, hide! So he runs, weaves between the tetherball poles. Ghosts of excitement step in Rue’s footsteps, duck with him under the swinging balls only he can see. Winter steals his breath as Rue and his ghosts sing tales of Mary’s lamb and Muffin Men. Scratches of chalk flash memories of recess across Rue’s mind. Happy faces. Shouts, cries. Rue sees it all, because it’s all he’s ever done—watch. He doesn’t speak. His voice too horrid, too blunt and bland for children to empathize. And they don’t speak to Rue. But he hears when they whisper behind their tiny hands, “I don’t want to play with him.” “He’s weird.” “It’s staring at us.” Rue hits his ears, batting the voices away. He stumbles along. A mural blooms out of the dark concrete, and Rue hugs the cafeteria, runs his fingers along the rough wall. Pink, yellow. Waves of chipped blue and mossy green bend and snap, gnashing their teeth into Rue’s shoulders, spreading positivity through his body like a venomous snake. Happy children on the wall. Brown children. Gold children. Red children. Blue children. Blue children. Blu Rue looks at his hands. Splatters of dried blood on brown skin. Shards of broken plastic poke from between ashy knuckles. Rue remembers why he runs. His feet begin the rhythm again, his arms pump in tandem, his heart breathes. He had to leave the office. He wouldn’t have survived another moment. Sitting in on that hard seat, not without Blu. George took Blu. Blu Blu Please! Fix Him! Rue sat on the red triangle, book open in his lap. He rubbed his fingers between spindles of blue polyester, tried to calm down. But someone had drawn the sun in the corner of Ms. Sarah’s room, and the heat made his skin itch. He was to practice ‘self-soothing,’ which Rue came to understand meant no Blu. His mother was adamant about it this morning. Said he was too big to be attached to a toy. She wanted him to try. And oh, how Rue tried. The air was stale. A funk of Cheeto breath and erasable markers twinged under his nose. Logs of white light beamed, fluorescents unnervingly bright, and Rue watched the swollen midafternoon clouds trudge over the sky. Back against the water-stained wall, Rue brought his eyes down to the pictures between his legs. Alone, he read on the circle-time carpet. And though there were six other shapes without a partner, Rue knew no one would sit next to him. His classmates had made it clear, and Rue couldn’t push the words together to tell them he wouldn’t mind the company. Brittani would sit. But Rue knew his noises distracted her. He looked up from his book then, watched his friend flip through Judy Blume. She sat at her desk. Hers, beside his. And as if she felt him, Brittani looked up, caught Rue’s blank stare, and smiled. Rue’s heart fluttered. It was always this way with Brittani, ever since the first day she arrived at Washington Elementary. They’d become friends after Rue heard George call Brittani a name he so often called Rue, freak. Rue still didn’t understand why George said Brittani’s face was melted, and he didn’t think Brittani was disgusting like everyone else said. She was beautiful, and pink. Always pink, and always beside him. Side to side. Freak to Freak. Friends. Rue lowered his head back down to read. He blinked rapidly. His finger traced over dinosaur backs. Squeaky, monstrous, Rue chirped like the characters he’d watched on Land Before Time, grinned as he turned the page. Rue loved Spike, the dinosaur that never talked. He’d told Ms. Sarah so before he’d sat down. Just moments ago, he’d taken his book to her desk for approval, and when he’d arrived, she’d smiled. “How cute,” she’d said. Her blonde hair bounced off her delicate shoulders, and Rue had thought her voice sounded pointy. “Who’s your favorite character?” “Spike,” Rue had said. “Of course,” she’d said. “You’re both slow and don’t talk.” And Rue had simply walked away, found his spot on the carpet, and pondered Ms. Sarah’s gleeful expression. He knew something was wrong, but what? He didn’t know. So he’d dived into his book, stumbled along the pictures. Focused, Rue shook Ms. Sarah’s smile from his mind, and turned the pages. As he read, the bright classroom faded into the plush greens of the pre-historic jungle. He was with Spike and Littlefoot now. Until there were knocks on the door, and Rue had to look up, bothered by the distraction. Mrs. Cherry. A tall woman, tanner than Ms. Sarah. Her belly was squishy where Ms. Sarah’s was tough. Rue liked that Mrs. Cherry’s hands never got sweaty, and she’d let him sit in her office when he didn’t feel well. He watched her smile at Ms. Sarah. “Hey Jo, you got a sec?” And after a quick peak around the room, Ms. Sarah dragged a chair to the door, cracking it, as she stepped into the hall. Little ants began to crawl along the bottom of Rue’s toes. He knew the chair wouldn’t hold the weight of the door. And Rue stared as the heavy metal slowly overcame the small wooden chair. Anxiety munched on his belly. He slammed his eye shut. The door clicked closed, and the tranquil classroom, burst. Callow voices snaked, vibrated the floors and Rue’s chest. They took his concentration, and his eyes responded by blinking harder, faster, until he stuttered. With Ms. Sarah gone, the room was off kilter, and Rue’s eyes kept wandering off the page. He smacked his lips. His mouth felt tacky, his skin was damp from the heater. Water. Rue laid down his book, unfolded his legs to take a drink. But when he stood, he found George. Big, orange-headed George, standing at the sink. Now the walk to the fountain felt like a mile. Rue approached carefully, his steps small, hesitant. He hunched his shoulders, flinching as an unruly sneer hiked George’s lips. A child’s confidence laid pert on his rounded shoulders; in his smart eyes, a glint Rue knew meant trouble. But he was thirsty, so Rue kept on. “Hey stupid,” George said as Rue got close. Ms. Sarah and George carried the same blue eyes, the same red lips. They wore the same colors, the same brands. Rue liked how George’s hair always looked wet, but he thought it strange how crisp his pants and shirt always were. Rue’s mom never had time to care for his clothes. George twisted his face, his eyes slanted as his cheeks rose reminding Rue of a beast. “Who am I,” He said as his mouth went slack. He curled his hands and flipped invisible pages so hard, he’d have ripped them if they were real. Paul and Jacob, George’s dearest friends, bellied over cackling. Rue dropped his eyes to the shiny tile. Black lines of old gum, blotches of dried watercolor. He ignored George, and stayed the course. And as he climbed the step to reach the metal spout, the plastic stool slipped from under him. Rue flew through the air! His arms spun, the wind carried his back, and for a second, Rue floated. Weightless. But then the world’s foot stomped into his stomach, and Rue fell to the ground. Landed on his back. His brain sputtered, his mind reeled, sloshing his emotions until his brain shriveled, until his throat ran dry. His eyes burned, but Rue didn’t cry. He didn’t do anything but get up. Like a well-oiled machine, Rue picked up the pink glittery stool, lined it perfectly in front of the silver spout, retook his step, and ignored George’s jovial mocks. He pushed the valve, and the arch of crystal water met his lips. It’s just George, Rue thought. Just George. The class grew quiet. And Rue, relieved, thought Ms. Sarah had finally come back. But when he turned, his eyes landed on George, by his desk. Brittani was on the floor. And in George’s hand, Blu. Fear crammed between Rue’s fingers. He jammed them together, his mouth opened and out his lips came the birth of fear and anger: distorted, jarring moans Rue could not control. Rue’s little dinosaur had molted his green plastic scales. His white tail, exposed from Rue’s endless rubbing, shined. George laughed as Rue cried. His only lifeline was in the clutches of Evil. “Look, ” George said mockingly. He shook Blu in Rue’s face, taunting him to come closer. “What’s the matter stupid?” George asked, and Rue’s howls grew frantic. George raised his hand in the air. “You gonna cry?” “N-no,” Rue stuttered, pleaded. Hoarse, his voice was half full. George’s lips curled into his cheeks, and with a swoop of his arm, smashed Blu to the ground. Rue froze. He didn’t know it then, but as he watched his friend clatter to the floor, his heart broke. Blu, my Blu. Foamy bubbles of anger bloomed in his stomach, and like a shaken bottle, he erupted. His hands found the tops of his head, his fingers locked between tuffs of coiled hair. And Rue screamed. Brittani shouted. Her long braids swung behind her as she tussled to get Blu, but George cackled, lifted his heeled boot, and furiously stomped Blu to pieces. His yellow teeth gleamed as he watched Rue cry, viciously tearing into his pain, eating his fill. “No!” Brittani screamed. Rue crumpled to the floor, scrambled to collect the sharp plastic, and in his rush, cut his finger deep. Red gushed down the side of his finger, dripped to the shiny floor. White, pristine, now splattered with Rue’s blood. He screamed louder. He needed Blu, but Blu was broken. Fix him! Blu Please. And oh, how his classmates laughed! A circle of madness, they surrounded Rue. “Stupid,” they called him. “Freak,” they screamed. They didn’t understand! Rue felt! Sadness, anger, hurt. Rue burned. Finally, Mrs. Cherry and Ms. Sarah hurried into the room. Ms. Cherry rushed to Rue. Ms. Sarah scoffed and went to George. “What’s happened?” Ms. Cherry asked. “He must be throwing a fit,” Ms. Sarah said. “I’ve been dealing with his meltdowns all week, Barb.” Mrs. Cherry’s squishy belly pressed into Rue’s back as she held him. “Rue sweetie, where’s Blu?” But Rue couldn’t answer. In his hands, he clutched the broken body of his friend so hard, more fingers bled. Fix him! Please. “He broke it,” Brittani said to Mrs. Cherry. “He pushed him, and stepped on Blu.” “George,” Mrs. Cherry had said snippily. “You’re coming with me.” “Is that really necessary?” Ms. Sarah said. “He’s just a boy, Erica. He didn’t mean any harm.” Ms. Sarah was angry. Her demure voice went sharp, vicious. “He put his hands on another child, Jo. I have to write him up.” “Oh, I’m sure Georgie didn’t mean it, did you, Honey? I’m sure that boy isn’t innocent either.” “Joanna.” “What? He refuses to do his work, he constantly disrupts my class, but I don’t see his referral!” “Why haven’t you reported this to me? He has an IEP. You’re mandated to report his behavior.” “I don’t have time to report his little outbursts!” Rue rocked back and forth. He wished he could spin Blu’s tail. Wished he could calm down, but the noises… Oh, the voices! Blurry, disgruntled faces fuzzy and horrid. Rue couldn’t stand it and slammed his eyes shut. Mrs. Cherry rubbed down Rue’s back and said, “He’s stimming, Jo.” Ms. Sarah scoffed. She lowered her voice as if 20 pairs of ears weren’t listening to every word. “He’s not autistic, Erica, he’s troubled. You know where he comes from, what he’s seen.” A couple little voices laughed, reveled in Ms. Sarah’s words, inhaled them. Mrs. Cherry didn’t respond to Ms. Sarah. Instead she gently grabbed George’s arm. “To my office, the both of you,” she’d said. “This is absurd!” “Look at him, Jo,” Ms. Cherry snapped. Rue felt her arm tighten around his shoulders. “Look at his face, Joanna, and now look at your son’s. You tell me, Ms. Sarah, where the real problem lies. Because it’s not with Rue.” Mrs. Cherry paused, her voice disgruntled, “and I see now… it isn’t with George either.” Rue didn’t hear Ms. Sarah’s reply, but felt Mrs. Cherry’s thick arms as she led him out of the classroom and to the office. “Sheryl,” Mrs. Cherry said, rounding the curved counter of the front desk. “Take George to my office and call Yara. Tell her it’s an emergency.” “My word, what on earth’s happened to his hand?” “Here,” Mrs. Cherry handed George off, and navigated Rue to the cold nurse’s office. More bright lights, the stink of sterile seats and band-aids. Rue didn’t open his eyes, even when Mrs. Cherry sat him down. “Ms. Siu’s on her way.” Mrs. Cherry tried to take the fragmented pieces out of Rue’s hand, but he held tight. Rue didn’t want to let Blu go. No. He rocked in the plastic chair, mumbling despair. Fix him. “Alright, Rue,” Mrs. Cherry said softly. “After Ms. Siu cleans you up, you can come sit in my office, just the two of us, hmm?” Mrs. Cherry patted Rue’s cheek. “We can watch Spike and Littlefoot, maybe even Godzilla?” She asked, trying to coax Rue from his agony. But Rue couldn’t sit still without Blu… Fix him. Mrs. Cherry patted his cheek again, and closed the door. Her thick heels stamped the short carpet. Rue heard her tell Ms. Riker, “Keep an eye on him until Yara gets here.” And then Rue was alone. Him and Silence. Maddening emptiness. He couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t. So when Ms. Sheryl left her desk to get some water, he ran. He ran out the office, through the halls. He ran. Ran as his tennis shoes squeaked, as his sweatsuit chafed. He ran. And ran. And ran. Until he finds it, his castle. It sprouts from the tanbark, red and lovely. Curves of cold metal twist, circles loop from one side to the other. Chipped paint and gapped ladders. Three slides jut from the castle’s body, vessels that take Rue nowhere, but protect him from everything. Plastic springs and turning tops. Grated walls, dented with numbers and letters. And under the biggest slide, three walls, solid and sturdy. Rue’s room. Rue sprints across the basketball courts. He floats, charmed by the castle’s lure, and oh, how it beckons him! Come little Black boy, come! Wood chips splinter his skin, but he doesn’t care. He hurries under, scooting until his back hits the far wall. Hide little Black boy, hide! And then Rue’s broken heart splits in two, and he feels the hollowness in his chest. He cries. Until his eyes are swollen, curls his legs to his stomach. He sobs until his nose streams sour snot into his mouth. Until his voice gives its final bow and leaves Rue with wheezy grunts. He cries for hours. Until grief ardently knocks at his chest. Until all he can remember is the cold of sadness, the blackness of pain biting his bloody fingers. The grey of day turns into a snowy twilight. And Rue shivers, clutching broken Blu to his chest. The bitter wind rustles his clothes, his blue sweatsuit clings to him, trying to warm him. But the cold freezes his eyes shut. Icy prickles stab his veins, chilling his blood. They call for him. Ms. Sarah, Mrs. Cherry. Every adult seems to be outside, looking for him. But his hands hurt and his lips crack when he slides them open. Rue can’t make a sound. So in his red castle, he lays, alone. But then he hears them—footsteps, crunching over fresh snow. They stop at his palace door. A pair of pink fur boots with fuzzy balls tied on the laces. Thin knees bend, and Brittani pops her head down, her gentle smile shines under her furry hood. Without a word, she crawls inside Rue’s palace. The refuge they both share. Brittani and Rue. Brown skin and scars. Mental and physical. Love. Though neither knows its voice, they sing its tones, run down its jagged edges. The soft, dedication of friendship pulses between them, drives Rue’s heart to shake. Brittani holds out her pink mitten. And on it… oh. Rue’s heart leaps. Tears sting his eyes. And he clutches Brittani’s hand. Pieces broken, begin to mend. Because in the soft groove of her pink mitten, lies a little bottle of glue. Rue’s heart thumps as Brittani unravels Rue’s bloody hand, her touch like falling snow, smoother than satin. Blu falls to the ground and Brittani collects his broken pieces. And together, they crouch under the red play structure, outcasts in a found home. “Come on,” Brittani says, slipping Rue’s frozen fingers into her palms. “I’ll help you fix him.”

If Your Father Dies on Holiday in India and His Brother Whom You’ve Never Met Conducts His Funeral, Then Where For You Paining? CW: death, funeral, mental illness My uncle has a transistor radio on his shoulder, and he talks to it, spidering his fingers into his own sign language. He squats by the priest, his veshti stained and ripped where the white muslin meets the green border. His shocking pink balls pop into view. They have a spiky halo of hair like a bunch of rambutans. His penis is draped on them - a finger of ginger drying in the Chennai sun. The priest mutters something, and he sits cross-legged, pulling the muslin skirt over his knees. He settles to the sonorous Sanskrit chanting. Acrid smoke from the homam fills the room. “It’s supposed to be cleansing,nah?” Athai says. Dad’s sister. It’s pushing tears and snot into me, body fluids that were never there before. My father’s body lies wrapped in muslin, cotton wool shoved into his nostrils. I keep worrying that he can’t breathe. Mum is a lead statue next to me - she doesn’t move, doesn’t say anything. “Such a pity he never had a son,” Athai tetches. “Now our paithiam brother has to do the rites for him.” “Why didn’t I ever know about him?” “Adi shakkai! As if we like to talk about him with his schizophrenia and all. He’s been here this whole time whether you Australia people knew about him or not, isn’t it? So where for you paining?” His feet are cracked, ravines running through the soles, black with ore. He picks at his big toenail. Click, click, click. He continues chanting, following the priest’s hard thas and nasal nyas. Dad was only fifty-four. I have a terrible thought that people with mental illnesses are the ones supposed to die young of heart attacks. Athai tetches at me to be still. I can’t get comfortable on the hard floor, but I cannot leave either. Next to me mum sniffs, but when I look at her, her face is blank, as if she is patiently waiting her turn at the shops. I rub my sweaty palms on my salwar, try to breathe past the homam smoke. I wonder if I’m having a heart attack myself. The priest stands, nodding his head like a listing boat. He’s saying they want to take dad away and burn his body. I can finally go outside. I take gulps of air like it’s water. My uncle comes out with his transistor radio. He smells sweet and musky, like a rotting apple. I work on slowing my breath. He points with his chin, “My brother died.” “I know, he was my dad.” My father’s brother pooches his mouth, considering. Finally he shrugs, “He was my brother for longer, isn’t it?”. Sumitra writes in Naarm/Melbourne. She travelled through many spaces to get there and writes to make sense of her experiences. She is a proud Malaysian-Indian-Australian coconut. She’ll be the one in the kitchen making chai (where’s your cardamom?). She works in mental health. You can find her and her other publication credits on twitter: @pleomorphic2

Delinquent. I like the way the word starts because it reminds me of delicious (ness). And then, suddenly, without warning it lapses into criminality with a foreshadowing of worse to come. And then I think of errant - a synonym (?) - and all I can think of is errant joy. Which brings me to something else. I mean I don’t condone lawlessness. But shouldn’t we always ask - Who gets to decide what is permissible and right? And why?

Bobby Brown has always enjoyed working with his hands. His inspiration comes from a variety of sources, including watching his mother make dolls and especially from his observations of young children during the many years he spent as an early childhood educator. He has also worked with a reuse and recycle center that collected and distributed materials for artists and children. Having a large supply of free and interesting materials encouraged him to experiment and find his artistic voice in mask making, sculpture, collage and painting. For many years he has led workshops using found and collected materials to make art, with adults and children. He has shown his work in several solo and two-person exhibits at the Multicultural Arts Center in Cambridge, MA and elsewhere. Find his work at www.greenbrownart.com.

I always pride myself as the best waiter in Faaji Restaurant and Lounge. Maybe even in the whole of Ibadan. But all afternoon as I skid around the hall, taking orders and filling the pockets on my apron with tips, I am wary that my full-faced smile hangs like an ill-fitting piece of clothing. I won’t lie, the smile can only be fake if you have to plaster it on your face all through a ten-hour shift, every day, but usually I have the confidence of a magnet hunting metal to pull it off. Today, all thanks to Moh, that confidence is tied to my ankle, its weight mopping the floor behind me, dragging me down, reminding me that I’d rather be elsewhere crying my eyes out into a bucket. Twice, I’ve stolen away to the restroom to shed the burden of pretence. My reflection is broken through the cracks and blind spots in the old mirror sitting on the tiled wall. I imagine my heart broken into more pieces, struggling to keep beating as one, each pump a laboured effort. My tears ache to break through the misty clouds around my eyes, but there’s a huge reason I cannot cry here. If even one of my fellow ankara apron-wearing colleagues catches a whiff of Moh’s breakup with me, I’m sure the news will grow wings and fly to quarters that will ridicule me. Amira might not work here anymore, but I know I can’t stop her from hearing eventually, too. I must first grieve this day out, however. Only six months ago, I was everyone’s darling. Well, everyone except Amira. She always wanted my finesse, my reputation. It was only because of her one-sided competition that the others began to insinuate that she was better than me, and then Moh changed everything. It’s not my fault that my voluptuous backside got to him. Neither is it my fault that he is so sweetly handsome. And as much as they’ve all agreed not to believe me, we already had an all-night romp before he told me he was involved with Amira. Alas, it was her who told me she didn’t want him anymore when I tried to confirm with her. Sorry, I’m not one to taste good food and bin it because someone else doesn’t want it anymore. And thus it all started. They raise their noses when customers request for me particularly. They call me aproko, saying I never mind my business. But in the end, there’s a reason why even Obiageli – the ginger-haired workaholic who could balance four trays on her two arms all at once – got the sack and I’m still here. I’ve been here longer than any of them, and they think that’s all because I don’t mind my business. I wonder if they remember that taking care of other people’s needs is our job, and so, minding our business means sticking our noses in places other than the space between our eyes and mouth. The way I see it, if being an aproko helps me retain my spot as the best here, then I’ll wear the title like a badge of honour. About a month after Moh and I started dating, Amira got her last laugh anyway. I was serving my radiant smile at a nearby table when Monsur, one of our richest customers, climbed out of his seat and fell on one knee before Amira. Well, at least I thought he fell, like it was some kind of mistake, until all the gasps and cheers and the gleam of the stone on the ring he was holding out suddenly dawned the situation on me. You should have heard the way she screamed yes as if she was scared her spell might wipe off him if she didn’t answer quickly. I couldn’t help smirking in disdain because I knew just how this happened. Amira was not the only one who heard Mr. Bayo commiserate with Monsur the first time we saw him in Faaji Restaurant and Lounge. I did too. The music gulped most of the other sounds in the hall, but I heard him talking about how cancer had taken his wife, and how he was going to be frequenting our place because he always loved the food before he got married. Just the same way I heard one of his guests tease him about considering dating again on the same day I asked Amira about Moh. It’s therefore a wonder that my colleagues pretend as though my ears leave my head and wander around the restaurant picking up random words, and Amira’s don’t. Well, she is the one who now lives in a glass house on his private estate in New Bodija, not me, the labelled one. Amira mastered the poke-nose, and it has rewarded her with a posh life. One would think the beef would end there, but no it didn’t. Every single time she’s been back here since her status changed, it’s one other colleague or the other serving her, never me. Not like I would like to serve her anyway, but she never misses an opportunity to relegate me and make someone else look like they’re better than me. Her only comment ever to me is: How are you and Moh? Later when she’s gone, she’d call them to laugh and laugh, I imagine, in her rich woman robes with maids and stewards cowering at her behest. And later when I get home, I’ll lay my moodiness on Moh, reminding him in all the ways I can think of that he doesn’t have money. Without actually saying the words. At least, I had someone to nag and complain to when Moh was there. In the vast abundance of everything swimming about in this big world, he was all I could call mine. At a certain age, being an orphan no longer gets you any favours. I remember how much I hated living with my grandma; her incessant bickering about being the best at whatever you do. I remember being passed on by everyone when I ran off to Ibadan, thinking I could move in with other relatives here. I remember hawking wares in Dugbe market at just seventeen so I could afford a nightly bed space. It was sewing for the next two years, and serving at a local buka for another four. It’s now five years since fate brought me to Faaji Restaurant and Lounge and it is here that I’ve perfected my grandma’s mantra. Now that Moh is gone, this place has a whole new meaning. I know I said I would rather be elsewhere crying my eyes out into a bucket, but where else am I truly welcome, really? I open my eyes to a glimpse of myself in the mirror and brush off the mild wetness that has slipped onto my eyelids. I sniffle back a powerful urge to let the tears flow. I run my hands over the fringe covering my forehead and pat the ponytail at the back, then I run both hands down the sides to my ears to ensure the wig is sitting pretty. Just as I straighten my apron and step away from the mirror, Bolaji’s unmistakable raspy voice filters into the restroom. ‘Jolade, are you here?’ I hesitate at first, but the voice is close enough so I might as well respond. ‘Yes, I am.’ I try to sound as firm and confident as I can muster. And around the corner she appears. But it’s not just her. There’s also Bisi, Chioma. And even Akin. Did he not read the ladies sign outside? Why the hell is he in here? ‘What’s going on?’ I ask, my eyes darting from one to the other, searching them for answers. ‘Oh dear.’ It is Bisi, coming over to place her palms on my shoulders. ‘We heard about Moh. We’re so sorry.’ I feel my heart sink, taking all the defences I had built up all day with it. Within seconds my face is gleaming with so much tears, it is as though everything I bottled got set free at once. ‘Look at you, Jolade, your fine skin and your big big hips,’ Chioma’s face is in mine, her big eyes, narrow nose and thin lips too close for comfort, her cheap body spray assaulting my nostrils. She reeks of an eagerness to appear sincere. ‘The only thing Moh can lose that is bigger than losing you is his life.’ The others chorus a nod. Bolaji guides my head to rest on her bony shoulder. Bisi wipes the streams of tears from my face, her badly painted nails threatening to poke my eyes. Akin stands at a distance and packs such tenderness into his ‘sorry babe,’ which he says at regular intervals like it is programmed. It irks me to feel this vulnerable. Damn! Losing one’s boyfriend should have a guide; something that helps to deal with all the many strange ways one feels all at the same time. Because even though I came in determined to get through the day without letting them know, my body shakes so much in response to the comfort and concern they have offered, and both my nose and mouth have joined my eyes in seeping, weeping, and I have absolutely no control over any of it. Soon, the buzzer goes off and we’re forced to disperse. I take a few extra minutes to powder my face and get myself back together. Some moments later, I’m back strutting through the hall, hovering over the tables with the biggest smile I’ve ever worn in this place, leaving with notes and returning with trays of foods and drinks. It does not matter what type of customer sits at the table – the smiling ones, the straight-faced ones, the not-bothering-to-look-up ones – my exaggerated facial stretch stays intact. Before long, my enthusiasm at executing my job eclipses my heartbreak, even if only for brief moments in between. My walk is straight. My steps are elegant. My colleagues all smile and let me have whatever table I want. It’s a different kind of day today, maybe. The twin pockets on my apron bulge from all the tips. Table after table, I serve, and my confidence builds. The next one is occupied by a smiling man sitting all by himself. ‘What a beautiful girl,’ he says as I arrive at the table, a gold tooth peeking from his neat dentition. His eyebrows are so full they almost kiss and his dark and shiny sideburns join with his beards to give prominence to the pinkness of his full lips and the brightness of his smile. I blush and giggle. My heart starts to beat fast, but a nagging ache quickly cautions it to slow back down. I take his order and hurry away, abandoning my practised straight walk and elegant steps. At the counter, Bisi reads my notes and hands me a glass cup and a bottle of water. I lay them side by side on a tray and carry it back to the table, the stretch on my smile so wide it hurts my facial muscles. I look searchingly for the gold tooth to peep from behind all the rich hair around his lips, but the lips remain shut, and his eyes wear a sudden uneasiness. A slim woman in a brightly coloured gown and with gold adornments shimmering from all over her face – ears, nose, eyebrow, lips – slips next to him at the table. The way his face doesn’t leave the TV on the nearest pillar to him until I take my leave, he might as well have been a statue. I struggle to keep my smile from shrinking as I head away from the table. There’s a weakness in my knees, and all of a sudden, the cool breeze from the multiple ACs high on the walls seem to have gotten under my skin. My misery, again, starts to gather itself within me, and my eyes, again, find themselves sitting behind gathering mists. I’m still many steps from the counter but I can already sense the switch in demeanour. I can already tell that the topic making all four of the other waiters jeer so heartily is me. I can’t believe I allowed myself to fall for their charade of care and concern. My heart, again, slips down my chest and is at the soles of my heels by the time I place my empty tray on the counter. ‘I can’t believe you actually didn’t know he was with a woman,’ Bolaji smiles, the mockery unmistakably simmering in her raspy voice. ‘Don’t you always know everything about everyone from the moment they walk in?’ ‘It’s the Moh thing, I’m sure,’ Bisi says from behind the counter, sounding all-knowing. ‘When they bail on you like that, sometimes you forget food goes to the mouth and not the nose.’ ‘Amira scored a big one, but I’m sure she didn’t have to smile so hard,’ Chioma lets the words trail her as she strolls away to take a customer’s order. I feel a big hand press down on my shoulder and squeeze lightly. The voice is Akin’s: ‘Keep smiling babe, don’t mind these ones.’ I wish I could help it, but in all honesty, I do mind them and their words. I can’t deny it’s the Moh thing. Am I not rightly labelled an aproko? I’m the one who reads a person from his silhouette behind the entrance door before he pushes it open to reveal himself. By the time I appear at a table, I already know if it is ‘bonjour’, ‘buenos dias’, or ‘good morning'. More than anyone else, I know better than just walking up to a customer and asking what they would like. I gave tutorials to each of these four when they started here, teaching them how it’s better to stand aside, smile and wait to be spoken to if the customer is one that is typing away on their phone. And every time any of them forgot and the customer bit their head off, I was the one they always ran to until Amira decided to extend her competition to teaching. Yet, it is from me they all – including Amira herself – learned that smelling a cheap perfume often means no tip; that if a customer is sweaty in this our air-conditioned atmosphere, they’re likely too tensed to want a waiter breathing down their neck; and that if the customer happens to be talking on the phone, or to someone they’ve come in with, that’s an especially lucky situation because their tone and mood tell you all you need to know. These four here didn’t quite grasp that last bit because it is difficult for most people to discern coherent words in a hall engulfed by loud music, but not Amira. How else did she get Monsur to give her a ring? Right now though, all this knowledge has cleared out of my head for the ghost of my breakup to roam free. I know these four think it is karma, but they’re smiling in my face and patting my back anyway. I imagine any one of them already whipped out their phone and typed out my nightmare to Amira. When Moh left her for me, she had laughed and pretended like she didn’t care. I bet she would laugh even harder hearing this, holding out her phone to confirm that she read it right as she pampers her skin at some stupid rich woman spa, or sits in a bedside jacuzzi in her stupid rich woman glass house. Two gentlemen – one black and one oyinbo – walk into the restaurant as I sit there at the bar, swimming in self-pity. They are having a tense exchange as they make their way to an empty table by a window overlooking the car park on the outside. They settle in on either side of the table, ignoring the world around them and continuing their exchange. The black man has pushed his sunglasses up so his forehead now wears them, and the oyinbo has set his fedora hat on the table. My mind is still cloudy, and my head, haunted, but my body is already halfway through the hall, moving towards the two men in slow, measured steps. ‘...this is how we do things here, Craig,’ the black man is saying. ‘It doesn’t matter if you are marrying your best friend, you have to pay the bride price, and of all the beautiful young girls that I know, my sister’s price is still the cheapest.’ ‘Come on, Chi Boy,’ his oyinbo friend, the Craig, responds. ‘What you call cheapest can land me a moderate house in the fucking Hamptons. You and your family need to know that I’m only marrying your sister, not fucking buying her like she’s some commodity.’ The bit I’ve picked up from their conversation is my cue to keep walking. Past their table, I’m smiling at other customers, especially those whose tables I’m waiting, asking if they need anything. Most have their eyes glued to their phones or to the huge TVs hanging down from the walls and pillars. The woman with gold adornments follows me with her eyes, her arm ensnaring her statued man’s neck. My mind debates with itself on whether I saw the oyinbo smile at me, or not. I can swear his eyes stalked me as I floated past him, and if they did, then he must have seen my big behind swing carelessly as I swayed all the way before completing a full circle at the counter. These four are more vicious with their mockery now, but I still smile like I’m convinced their words are genuine compliments. I stand at the counter, flipping through the familiar pages of the menu. My back is in the line of vision of the oyinbo, but that’s only if he’s looking. Bolaji must have said something funny, because the others all chorus a laugh after a low murmur. It must be about me, but I smile all the same. Akin swallows his laugh midway and points at himself, his expression asking a question. Then he’s pointing at me saying, ‘it’s you they want.’ I look over my shoulder to find the oyinbo’s eyes fixed on me. This Craig, ehn. ‘Come over here, will ya?’ Somehow, his high-pitched voice finds its way to the counter despite the loud music. My heart runs into a misstep as an idea flash across my mind. I love my job, but Amira loved it more, and even she was able to conjure up a ring somehow and move on from here. The story these four tell is that Amira had been a caregiver for Monsur’s wife before she died, and she was the reason he became a customer at the restaurant in the first place. But I’m not fooled. I know better – she heard him on the phone like I did, and she must have taken her chances, period! As I scribble a note on a torn piece of white paper, I feel cold sweat build up on my palms and down my spine. I’m not going to die waiting tables here, my mind fights back. I, too, want a man and a home and children, all the things my ailing grandma has hounded me for all these years. At twenty-eight, perhaps I can finally grant her a last wish. And so, I place two menus side by side and push the white paper into the middle of one. I pick the two up and head to the table, sliding my wide smile back into place. ‘...a distant cousin, kind of like a different alternative, but this one is not as fine as my sister.’ I catch Chi Boy’s words as I advance on the table, my arrival making him pause the conversation. The oyinbo runs his long fingers through his scruffy beard and rubs his bald scalp, his ocean-blue eyes saying more than his thin-lipped mouth. Craig, Craig. I hide a faint smile. Chi Boy turns his wrist and looks down at a watch strapped on it, then he turns to me and says dismissively, ‘we’ll call you when we’re ready.’ I curtsy and drop both menus on the table, stealing another look at the oyinbo before turning and moving reluctantly away from the table. My mind is in panic mode and the sweat on my palms can drown a small insect. This is thirty minutes later and I’m standing here at the bus stop opposite Faaji Restaurant and Lounge with my packed bag and a dazed mind. Over and over, I ask myself what I was thinking. Stupid. Stupid. Stewpeed! I thought losing Moh hurt. I’m not sure how to describe losing my job. If only I can wind back those gruesomely embarrassing thirty minutes and take my stewpeed note back. When the buzzer sounded, the others thought it was for Akin, as usual, but I knew it was for me. The stupid oyinbo’s eyes had trekked all around my body so hard he paid little attention to the menu I placed in front of him. A few seconds later, Chi Boy sprouts up like a human-shaped mini rocket, shooting me a hard look before making for Mr. Bayo’s office. The manager’s office is small and crowded with cartons of water and a few bottles of different drinks. He was seated behind his crowded desk when I answered the buzzer. A fuming Chi Boy sat across from him, his eyes hard like painted buttons. My little note laid on a number of files like a naked me longing for clothes. In crawly, clear handwriting, it read: Low bride price, call me – 07069536501. Love, Jola. ‘What’s the meaning of this?’ asked Mr. Bayo, his anger more animated than the complainant’s. ‘Have you not seen a white man before, ehn? I couldn’t find words for a response, and even as I stand outside the restaurant now with my head hazy, words still desert me. In less than twenty-four hours, I no longer have either my boyfriend or my job. It’s like the world got punctured and it is now shrinking in and trying to suffocate poor me. I think of Amira and wonder what she did differently. I think of Moh and imagine him whispering the same sweet words he told me to his new girl. I think of the four I left behind and a frown flutters across my face. They had an unmistakable extra layer of mockery pulled on as they helped me pack, incessantly asking me what happened. They will find out eventually, I’m sure. Amira will hear it too. Maybe even Moh. They will all learn how I paid the ultimate price for being an aproko. A black Mercedes, with gleaming rims and windows too dark to see through, glides to a stop before me. Still lost in thoughts, I start to move aside but the window rolls down, and inside is Craig, his fedora hat making him look even more attractive. He flashes a dimpled smile and beckons to me to hop in. In the rear mirror, I can see Chi Boy chasing and cursing. I sigh deeply and it feels like I exhaled a burden. I relax in my seat and watch as he grows smaller in the distance. Amira will hear this story, and so will Moh, and it will really piss them off how it ends. A soft smile hatches at the corner of my lips. It spreads until my entire face is covered, stretching all the way in and ridding my heart of all its tension and hurt. Perhaps, like a clingy dress on a shapely outline, or better, like the linking of my oyinbo’s fingers and mine after his hand leaves the gear stick, I don’t need a mirror to tell me that this wide smile fits just right. Ibrahim grew up on his grandmother’s storytelling of African folklore and thus fell in love with stories, and by extension, literature. After he was forcibly sent to science class in high-school, it took Ibrahim 20 years to find his way back to his passion, in 2019, when he left a successful ten-year career in media & entertainment to become a writer.In that time, his work has been published in Typehouse Magazine, JMWW, Ake Review, Zone 3, Brittle Paper, Landlocked Magazine, Popula, and more. He won the 2022 Quramo Writers' Prize. Among other things, he has been shortlisted for Miles Morland Writing Scholarship and Moon City Short Fiction Award, and also longlisted for Commonwealth Short Story Prize as well as Dzanc Diverse Voices Prize. He has also been nominated multiple times for the Pushcart Prize and the Best of the Net. In July 2022, he was named Writer of the Month by Brittle Paper. He is endorsed by Arts Council England for his writing exceptionalism.Ibrahim's work explores the human experience from an African perspective. He’s @heemthewriter across social media. More information about Ibrahim can be found on https://heemthewriter.com/ and https://linktr.ee/heemthewriter.

He’s all ground up… And his dreams are soaked… “I think I want to quit,” I told my little sister, Ruby, as we drove to work on a painfully early Saturday morning in October. The words came out of my mouth and then just floated right there in front of my face. I was waiting for Ruby to grab them and throw them back at me, telling me all about how great this job was, or how I needed the money for rent. Instead, she just looked at me, quiet, taking me in for everything I was worth. I appreciated that about her. She was usually a mile a minute with me, but she knew when I needed her to slow down. “Okay,” she said sweetly, as the sunrise’s shades of citrus glistened off her gold earrings and nose piercings. Our skin like sand at the beach was light brown and warm. Her short hanging braids swung to one side as I made a left turn. Meanwhile, my short flat top stood frozen in time on my head. She continued after a beat, “Did something happen? I thought you liked it?” We were both baristas at the 13 Bean Cafe downtown. I had been there for two years at that point. She, meanwhile, was only there for the year while she took a break from college to be… well, not in college. Honestly, It made sense. College was a nightmare for me. I hadn’t even gone yet. “No, nothing happened,” I remarked. I adjusted my grip on the steering wheel and watched the sleeve of my red uniform t-shirt crinkle. “And I do like it here. I think. I don’t know. I’m tired. I want to do something else.” “Okay, like what else?” She asked. “What else would you want to do?” I took a second to think, while watching the cars ahead of me slow to a stop at the red light. “I don’t know,” I responded. “I’ve never really wanted to do anything so… I just ended up here.” I looked down and away. Ruby grabbed my shoulder hard, startling me. “Dizzy, we’re both young, okay? Can you relax please? We’ve got time to figure these things out.” “Easy for you to say,” I snapped back. “I’m the one paying rent. I’m out of the house. I have responsibilities now. Like taking care of you, for example.” Ruby was staying with me for the year at my place. I thought there wouldn’t be enough room for us both. But we were used to sharing a small space. That’s how we grew up. “Mom and Dad only let you stay here cause I’m secure now. And I like being secure. If I left the Cafe… I have no clue where I’d be.” Just as I glanced out my window at a closed-down gas station across the street, the light turned green. I had to move forward. “You’re so dramatic,” Ruby said, grinning at me. “What are you scared of?” “I don’t know,” I said. The corners of my mouth hung low with the weight of my thoughts. Ruby said. “Dizzy, you’re gonna be fine. Whatever you do, wherever you end up, I know you’re gonna do great things. I know you didn’t wanna go to college, but you know that doesn’t matter, right? If you have something you want to do, you can get it. You just gotta work hard. Like you do every day at the Cafe.” I did feel better, honestly. “Thanks,” I said. “Sorry, I was kinda… spiraling for a second there, wasn’t I?” I chuckled. “Yeah,” Ruby said as she smiled.. “You’re good.” And I was. I appreciated her. ♦ ♦ ♦ He’s lost in the smoke… He’s searching for a way out… We arrived at the Cafe slightly earlier than we planned. I was able to get a parking spot pretty close. The street’s silence was pure. The trees by the entrance stood perfectly still, and I heard nothing but the whistle of the warm breeze. I felt the air settle on my skin and stay there. All of it gave me a good feeling about the day. Like, maybe things would be in my favor for once. Ruby and I had hoped that James, the owner and manager of the 13 Bean, was already there, because he had to unlock everything for us before the day got started, including the doors. Thankfully, they opened for us. We walked into the 13 Bean and greeted its violently red walls, looming over us with devilish grins. We walked through the congested array of tables and chairs and past the bar to get to the back hallway where our lockers were. Because we got there early we got to take our time, which was nice. Also, James didn’t seem to be around anywhere. Maybe he was in his office. Or the bathroom. “By the way,” Ruby began out of nowhere. “What the fuck is up with Jessi and Rollo?” “Jessi and Rollo?” I asked. Those were the other two baristas at the Cafe. They started working there shortly after I convinced James to hire Ruby. They were closer to Ruby in age than me, so it made sense that I usually heard about their drama through my sister. “What about them?” “I think they’re fucking,” she said. I laughed. “Yeah, like you would know.” She sucked her teeth. “It’s just a feeling. They’ve been acting weird since I’ve known them, like a ‘love at first sight’ kinda thing. They’re always staring at each other and shit.” “Well, even if that’s true, that’s none of my business,” I said. “But isn’t that, like, not allowed or something?” “They're both baristas so it’s not like there’s a ‘misconduct’ thing going on. Honestly, I don’t really care, as long as it doesn’t affect the work.” Which it hadn’t. So far, anyway. Just then, we heard a booming voice echo from down the hall. “DIZZY!” James called as he waddled into the locker room. He was balding, with a full curly beard that hid the majority of his layered neck. His outfit wrapped somewhat loosely around his wide frame. He was dark like our coffee. “Dizzy, it’s good to see you here so early! I just knew if somebody was gonna be here early, it would be you.” Ruby stepped out from behind me and waved sarcastically. “I’m also here early, James. Nice to see you too.” “So Dizzy,” James continued. “Can I speak to you in my office for a minute? Before people start showing up?” Ruby shot me a curious expression. I was more annoyed than concerned. What made me so special? Why couldn’t I just enjoy this morning in peace? “... Yeah sure,” I said, subtly massaging my temple. James nodded and signaled me to follow him. I walked behind him slowly until we arrived at the end of the hall, and walked through the door with his name on it and into his office. He went and sat at his desk and pointed at a chair across from him. I sat down in it. “Dizzy, I have to say that these last two years you’ve been working here, I’ve been very impressed with your dedication, your diligence, and how you conduct yourself out on the floor. I’ve been very happy to have you here.” Interesting. I really didn’t think I had been working all that hard. I was just making coffee and dealing with idiots all day. But he was sort of right. I did care about my job, whether I enjoyed it or not. I liked having somewhere to be, something to do. Responsibility. “Thank you,” I said firmly as I clapped my hands together. “I appreciate that, James. Means a lot.” “I’m glad you do,” James said. He leaned forward and rested his folded arms on his desk. He looked me in my eyes intensely. He was making me nervous. “Dizzy, how would you feel about being the new manager?” New manager? I didn’t even want to be a barista. “I uh-” “Look, you don’t have to make a decision right now,” James said quickly, cutting me off by the grace of God. “It’s just something I really want you to think about. Right now, however, there’s something else I need to ask, and I need an answer right away.” “Okay,” I said, squeezing my arm rests. My chair was beginning to feel like an electric one with each new tangent of this conversation. “What’s up?” “My doctor called me this morning and told me that I need to come in today for several tests. At my last physical, they found some things were… out of order.” Suddenly, I saw all the light from his face go out. He continued, “I’m not sure what’s wrong, but that’s what today is for. So I have to be absent for a good portion of the morning. While I’m gone, I really need you to be in charge.” I leaned back and grabbed my face. “Well… I don’t know, James.” “Look, Dizzy, I know this is a lot to put on your plate so suddenly, but I really don’t know who else to ask. You’re my oldest employee, the most responsible. I’ve seen how you handle things, and I know you’re the man for the job.” I wanted to turn him down. I really did, more than anything I’d wanted in a while. But I just couldn’t look away from him as he stared into me, and I saw his eyes become glossy as he tilted his head and tried to smile. He was begging me. I knew he needed me. I finally nodded. “Good,” James said. “Thank you, Dizzy. I appreciate this.” He reached out his hand for me to shake it. I did. “I’ll be back by noon.” I sulked back into the locker room, where Ruby was sitting in a chair, calmly waiting for me. She saw my demeanor and perked up. “What’s going on?” she asked. I said, “I guess I’m in charge now.” ♦ ♦ ♦ He’s being tested… And he might not make it out okay… I paced around behind the bar until we officially opened, with burning anticipation for the day ahead of me. Ruby stood still, like stone, and kept telling me things would be okay. Shortly before we opened our doors to the ravenous public, Jessi and Rollo arrived at the Cafe. Jessi’s long locks were tied up with a headband, and her black sweatpants stuck to her curves like honey. Rollo had his cornrows, his magnetic brown eyes, and his black necklace with a silver pendant shaped like Africa. They had arrived together. Ruby shot me a knowing glance. I rolled my eyes. “How y’all doing?” I said, trying to sound confident as I greeted them both. “Fine,” Jessi said. “Yeah, fine,” Rollo said. They turned away from each other. Meanwhile, Ruby and I stared at them in confusion. “Well okay then!” I continued enthusiastically. “Listen, I wanted to let you guys know that today’s going to be a little bit different. James had to go handle some personal business. While he’s gone, I’ll be in charge of the morning. So, if there’s any issues, you can come to me. Cool?” “Yeah, whatever,” Jessi said, heading to her locker. “I don’t care,” Rollo said, following her not-so-closely behind. Ruby and I watched them curiously. I turned to Ruby. “So are they fucking orrrrrrr are they about to kill each other?” Ruby shushed me. “Careful, they might hear you.” “Sorry,” I said, putting my hands up in defense. By the time Jessi and Rollo came back out, the morning rush was upon us. Usually, Ruby and I were both on drinks, with Rollo helping us when he wasn’t preparing most food orders. Jessi was on register. Because of how busy it was, I felt afraid to leave my usual post, so I continued to make drinks with my sister for as long as I could. For most of the morning, things were going pretty well. I should have known better. This was the 13 Bean after all. Something always went wrong. “I need to use the bathroom,” Jessi said suddenly. “Dizzy, can you cover?” “You can’t wait till your break?” I asked. “I need to go now. Please?” I sighed. “Okay. But try and make it quick. You see what we’re dealing with here.” “Thank you, Dizzy,” she said quickly with a grin. I could tell she needed it. She exited the bar and walked around, through the thick line of customers, to the back hallway. Rollo glanced at her. She didn’t do the same. Meanwhile, I assumed her position and looked up at the next person in line. “Hi, what can I get for you?” Just then, a woman who had already been served rushed up to the register. “Excuse me, can I speak to a manager?” Oh, brother. “Ma’am, can you please give me a moment?” “You guys gave me the wrong sandwich,” the woman continued. “I asked for the turkey club. This is ham!” I looked back at Rollo. “What’s going on, man? Are you good?” “Sorry,” Rollo said sheepishly. “I’ve been a little distracted.” “Get it together please. I’m counting on you. And can you please make another turkey club for her?” Rollo hung his head and turned back to his station. I turned back to the next person in line. “I’m sorry, you were saying?” “Dizzy!” I heard Ruby say. “This coffee maker is acting up!” I swung my head around to address her. “What are you talking about?” She pointed at our industrial coffee maker, which had 4 different dispensers and a myriad of settings. “It’s not working right. I don’t know. It’s not making the coffee fast enough.” “Can you fix it?” I asked. “No, dummy. That’s why I called you.” “Just give me a second.” Jessi returned from the bathroom. She walked around and entered the bar. Rollo leaned over. “You okay?” he asked Jessi. “Can we not do this right now?” Jessi said with piercing diction. “Why aren’t you talking to me?” Rollo pleaded. “Just… leave me alone, Rollo,” she said as she turned back to the register. I put a hand out to both of them. “Hey, guys, I don’t know what’s going on here and it’s none of my business, really, but get a handle on it now. Okay? I need you guys to be focused.” “It’s not me. It’s her,” Rollo said, pointing a finger. “She’s the one who ain’t saying shit.” “There’s nothing to say, so drop it,” Jessi said through gritted teeth. “Dizzy, something is seriously wrong with this coffee maker,” Ruby interjected. “I don’t know what’s happening. Can you come look at it?” “I’ll get to it,” I said sharply. The line was growing longer and longer and beginning to form into more of a crowd. The woman from before, still standing by the register, said, “Where’s the manager?” “That’s me,” I said nervously. “You’re not the manager. Where’s the fat guy?” she inquired. “He’s not here. What is the problem?” “I want my sandwich!” she demanded. “I’ve been waiting here for 5 minutes.” “It has not been that long,” Jessi said, checking her. “Rollo! Where the fuck is her sandwich?” “Can you relax?” Rollo said. “I’m working on it. Like Dizzy told me to.” “No, I can’t relax!” Jessi ranted. “This lady needs her food, and you on bullshit, so she don’t got it!” “Dizzy!” Ruby shouted through the commotion. “This coffee maker is acting really weird, and the buttons aren’t doing anything. Can you please look at it?” I wasn’t listening. “What the fuck is wrong with you today?” Rollo said, glaring at Jessi. “I’m trying to talk to you and you’re not giving me anything.” Jessi balled up her fists and looked up at the ceiling before glaring directly at Rollo, right into his soul. “My period is a week late, okay! That’s what the fuck is going on!” Rollo shuddered and stumbled back. Then he stood perfectly still. They looked at each other. Suddenly, James came in through the entrance in a daze. When he saw all that was happening in the Cafe, he absolutely lost it. “What’s going on here!?!” he shouted. “DIZZY!” “I’m sorry, James. I’m trying, okay? Things just got a little out of hand.” “Dizzy, I thought I could trust you to take care of things. How could you let this happen?” “Dizzy, the coffee maker isn’t making coffee anymore!” Ruby yelled. “I can’t press the buttons, and nothing’s happening. Help me please!” I ignored her. “You know what, James? I don’t wanna do this shit anymore. I can’t do this shit anymore! I don’t care what you think! It’s too much, and I’m just not the guy for the job! I QUIT!” The coffee maker exploded. Erupted in flames. The crowd and all my co-workers screamed as the place quickly filled up with smoke. Everybody bustled through the exits, stumbling over each other for dear life. James, lost in the smoke, grabbed his chest as he searched for the way out. ♦ ♦ ♦ He’s a little nervous about it all… But he has help… Everybody was surprisingly calm once we were all outside, watching the flames slowly consume the Cafe from within. While James and a handful of loyal customers frantically called the fire department, people in the stores across the street and next door brought their fire extinguishers to try and help. Fire trucks and ambulances swarmed the Cafe no more than five minutes after the explosion. Most people left, seeing as there was no way for them to get their coffee. A few had stayed around, as well as those just passing by, to gawk at all the commotion like children. Just outside the entrance, Jessi and Rollo sat on a bench. Rollo had his arm wrapped around Jessi as he caressed her with a comforting hand, and softly kissed her on the cheek. He said something in her ear. She said something back. I wasn’t sure what they were talking about. And frankly, it really wasn’t any of my business to begin with. Ruby and I stood next to each other across the street, both of us exhausted. I turned to the right and saw James, sitting on the sidewalk. I walked over to him. “James, I just wanna say I’m sorry about everything. I tried really hard to keep it together.” James sighed. “It’s okay,” he began. “You’re just starting out. These things happen early on.” My eyes darted back and forth. “So how was the doctor’s?” “It wasn’t good. … It turns out I have a heart disease.” “Oh my God,” I said, gasping. “That’s terrible.” “I know,” James said. “I need to get bypass surgery right away. They say I’ll need to take time off from work. Maybe 8-12 weeks. … I’m sorry for how I yelled at you back there. I’ve just got a lot weighing on me. And I was… I was really hoping I could count on you to take over for me. In my absence or… just… take over: period.” It was a daunting prospect. But at the same time, it was security. Responsibility. The things I wanted. And the path to them was right there. I just had to walk down it. But after today, I knew once and for all that this was not for me. As scary as it was to go another way, and to walk down a path I wasn’t sure of, I knew it was right. And I believed Ruby when she said I could do great things no matter what. I wanted to do great things. I really did. “I’m sorry, James,” I said. I looked at him the same way he looked at me that morning. “I’m not cut out for this. It’s not what I’m meant to do. I wish you the best of luck. This is a great place, and the people here are great too. You included. But I have to go.” James held his head in his hands. He looked back up with glossy eyes. “It’s okay,” he said, holding something back. “I’m sorry if I made you feel pressured. I just believed in you. And I still do.” He reached out his hand for me to shake it. I did. I walked back and found my sister. “Are you ready to go?” “Yeah,” she said. “Are you?” It was a good question. I didn’t have an answer then. We walked back to my car. I felt the warm breeze again. But it was different this time. I felt so light and free, like the breeze could just pick me up and take me anyway I wanted to go. I unlocked the car. Ruby opened her door and smiled at me. “I’m proud of you,” she said. I smiled back. “Me too.” Before I got back in my car, I took one last look at James. He was looking at his dreams. They were all soaked in water. He was crumbling under the weight of that fact. I was afraid of the same fate for my own dreams. But I knew at this point in life more than ever, it was worth it just to say I tried. A Note From the Author: I am Sekou Hamer. I am an actor, singer, performer, filmmaker, artist, and storyteller. I write fiction, screenplays, stage plays, teleplays, poetry, lyrics, and music. I became an artist at a young age as a way to escape the world and find solace in universes that I created to be perfect just for me. I grew to realize that the real world is the most beautiful thing because it’s unpredictable. Real everyday life contains the best characters, the best stories. Once I realized that, I've never left this world, not entirely. My best works always come from the heart, directly or indirectly inspired by a deep connection I have with a person or thing. They have to begin with what is real because that’s the only way people who consume my work will feel anything real themselves.

I try to look cool like the girls I’ve seen you drive around before. Trying to pretend the sweat beading my forehead is my natural dew and I’m glowing like the girls that are on the covers of the magazines you keep hidden in a box under your bed so your mother doesn’t find them. This– right here– is what people sing about on that playlist of love songs you gave me. Real music with a message that is too complicated for anyone else to understand. I think I am beginning to outgrow all my friends. But when I talk to you you introduce me to so many new things, you’re the smartest person I know. We take long drives on the weekends and during the weekdays you show me the best places to sneak off campus, we sit in your car and I stare at the lines of your face until the gray smoke you blow stings my eyes, but I don’t mind, I think I’d sit comfortably in the seventh layer of hell if it meant I could sit with you. Sometimes I wish we could be that far from everyone and I wouldn’t have to listen to everyone’s opinion but they just don’t know you as I do. “You’re not like anyone I have ever met before.” My body went numb when you said that, every hair on edge. It felt like taking a deep breath before diving into water. Days in the sun with you are forever where I want to be. The wind starts to blow colder and we are no longer laughing with the windows down. Even though summer is over I still have you to keep me warm as I watch frost slowly creep on the windows. Leaves fall and trees become barren and I want to say everything is the same but things look so much more different now that the sun isn’t in my eyes. I have to cover up to protect myself from the chill– but nothing has left me shivering more than facing your cold indifference. The girls who came before me watch me walk down the halls with knowing looks as pitiful frowns grace their identical lips. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and realize how similar my frown has become to theirs. I drown myself in layers upon layers, but I still feel as bare as the trees who have been robbed of their leaves. Trees begin to stir back to life as spring comes in full bloom and I see you picking green girls not telling them you have no interest in them once they become ripe and will leave them to rot in the dirt. But, it is nice to see the flowers and leaves come back to the once-dead trees. What was once dull and gray has been brought back to life– but the dead leaves are still on the ground, staring at the foliage that is as green as their envy Spring passes, and I walk through the summer heat and you slow down beside me and offer a ride. I say yes, I don’t know why, but I’ve done things that don’t quite make sense when I’m with you. Maybe you missed me terribly during the winter too and the spring fruit you devoured didn’t satiate your cravings. Maybe you had to try it all before you realized right beside me is where you should be. I hiss as my thighs make contact with the hot leather and the heat makes sweat drip in my eyes and I feel so terrible the whole ride I can’t believe I ever enjoyed this. I look at you and see that too many days in the sun have deepened the lines on your face and leathered your skin. I want the summer to fill me with sickening joy like before. I want to feel as bright and colorful as the leaves and flowers that cover our landscape, but the foliage from last summer has died and fallen off. The leaves that hang on the trees now are new, the flowers have bloomed new petals. It is summer again but I am no longer a sweet summer child. I tell you to drop me off a few blocks from my house, and you can’t understand why I don’t find joy in the same things we used to do before. I can’t help but feel a twinge of pity that I feel for you. Poor Peter Pan can’t understand why I want to leave Neverland. But, more than that– I can’t even imagine how silly I must’ve looked driving around next to you. Kevina Wright is from San Diego, California. Kevina is 21 years old and focused on narrative fiction.

Beautiful Sorrow Hollow Decay in Bloom Luminosity I'll See Jelly Daisy I Am the Final Girl The End Sadee Bee (she/her) is ever-evolving, as living with mental illness is never a straight line, and she hopes to be a voice and advocate for those like her. She also uses art as an outlet, creating whatever comes to mind, and is heavily drawn to speculative and out-of-this-world elements. She is inspired by strange dreams, magic, and creepy vibes. Twitter: @SadeeBee Instagram: @sadee__bee Website: sadeebeeauthor.com Etsy: artbysadeebee.etsy.com

Bucket list(s) i. Things to do/achieve list 2019 Go horse-riding Learn how to play the guitar Learn a new language Buy a (very) nice party outfit Learn how to change my car’s tyre(s) Bake bread Watch a play at the theatre Donate/volunteer at/for a shelter/charity Go skydiving Ride a motorcycle See the northern lights Get a tarot card reading done Go to Japan (take many many photographs) Make pizza at home Get a poem featured by a literary magazine/journal/website Buy a (proper) fitting bra Lose some weight (maybe 5 kg) Go for shooting training Learn archery Go on a helicopter Go on a train Learn how to roller-skate Go on a hot air balloon ii. Things to do/achieve list 2020 Learn how to play the guitar Learn a new language Learn how to change my car’s tyre(s) Go skydiving Ride a motorcycle See the northern lights Get a poem featured by a literary magazine/journal/website Go for shooting training Learn archery Learn how to roller-skate Go on a hot air balloon Try to leave the house at least once a week Be more grateful Pray that the people you care about survive iii. Things to do/achieve list 2021 Pray for the people you care about Find my purpose in life Being accepted for who I am (completely) Being loved despite who I am (completely) Can you hear me? Moulding Protective mechanism caused by an abrupt change makes them unpalatable. We human call shock a burning match under the tip of a leaf in rapid succession s l o w l y up, d o w n, like watching in slow motion, pain or any emotions – they seek the light – rise, straighten or bend as gravity dictates. Adjust. Must adapt. Grow. Burrowing with rain; decaying, the good will support, but when the demand become too great nothing concrete; – an abstraction – utterly unreliable and changing, neither can possibly say how much rain will fall unpredictable, changeable. Every day. Every night. Shiksha Dheda is a South African of Indian descent. She uses writing to express her OCD and depression roller-coaster ventures, but mostly to avoid working on her master's degree. Sometimes, she dabbles in photography, painting, and baking lopsided layered cakes. Her writing has been featured (on/forthcoming) in Wigleaf, Passages North, Brittle Paper, Door is a jar and Epoch Press amongst others. She is the Pushcart nominated author of Washed Away (Alien Buddha Press, 2021). She currently has chapbooks published with The Daily Drunk Mag and Fahmidan Publishing & Co. She rambles annoyingly at Twitter: @ShikshaWrites. You can find (or ignore her) at https://shikshadheda.wixsite.com/writing