"A Writerly Text: Or When Your Inner Critic Somehow Saves Up Enough Money to Buy A Refurbished iPhone" by Beth Kanter

Me:

Aren’t you 

supposed to be 

writing?

Me:

How can 

I write 

when you keep 

pinging 

me??? 

Me: 

So it’s MY fault? 

Me:

It’s 

ALWAYS

your fault.

Me:

You think I don’t know 

you weren’t writing 

before I texted?

Really? 

You know I know 

you better than that. 

I saw you refreshing 

your Submittable queue 

for like the 1,000th time today. 

Right before you scrolled through 

every pair of sale boots 

on Anthropologie 

Also how many times can you 

microwave the same 

cup of tea? 

It’s a 

little sad.

Just saying…

Me:

OUCH

Anyway…

tea totally a writer thing.

Like being an 

introvert 

or crippling self-doubt…

Or cats. 

Me:

Begging you not to 

Google kittens 

for adoption. 

You’re SO allergic to cats.

Make your eyes 

swell so much 

you almost can't see 

the bags under them. 

Me:

SMH.

Nice. Really nice. 

Anyway tortured eyes 

totally a writer thing.

The darker 

the circles the 

deeper the prose.  

Me:

Then 

you must 

have a 

Pulitzer.

Me:

ME-fuckin-OW 

Me:

You’re right.

That was mean.

Sorry… 

Me:

Whatever.

Me:

Seriously.

Don’t you think 

you should at least 

try writing something today?

How about some morning pages! 

☺ 

Me:

It’s 3:45 in the afternoon…

genius.

Me:

Genius, you don’t say…

Me:

Whatever

Me:

So…

less shoe scrolling 

more keyboard 

clicking

Me:

Sigh…

I know.

You’re right…

Me:

But? 

I hear a but coming. 

?

Me:

But…

Me:

But?

Me:

But it’s an extra 40 percent off already reduced prices… 

Me:

Really?  

They still have those 

lace-up 

chocolate suede ones? 

The ones with 

the chunky heel? 

I bet they are 

off-the-charts soft 

would go with 

just about everything…

Me:

I know!

Right?

 Me:

STOP.

 Don’t pull me 

into this.

You’re the one 

who told me 

it’s my job 

to make sure 

you write today.

You made 

me promise.

Me:

Sorry?

Me:

You called it…

and I quote…

“a sacred duty.”

Me:

Can we 

PLEASE 

forget that 

I thought that 

let alone said it?

Me:

K

NP 

Forgotten. 

Me:

Thanks.

Me:

So?

Me:

So?

Me:

So…

 Remember 

the whole thing 

about how the 

place is quiet today. 

How you finished 

your other work. 

You’ve done 

everything else.

I mean you even 

alphabetized your sweaters. 

Me:

I think my new 

“A for Argyle” system 

is inspired.

Me:

Move over

Marie Kondo…

Me:

Rude.

Me:

fine.

Me:

FINE.

Me:

So, the writing?

Me:

TBTH… 

I can’t think of a single 

thing that seems 

worth saying.

There…

you made me say it.

Happy?

Me:

A little bit…

Not really…

No.

☹

Me:

I want to do this.

It’s just… 

Me:

I get it.

Me:

[Sigh.]

Me:

It’ll come 

to you.

Me:

You think?

Me:

Sure…

Me:

Really?

Me:

[shrug]

Me:

That’s like 

one of the 

nicest things 

you’ve ever 

said to me.

Me:

☺ 

Don’t get too 

used to it

Me:

Believe me

I won’t.

I’m familiar with 

your work.

Me:

So… 

Me:

So?

Me:

So…

 THE WRITING 

Me:

Can we get the boots first?

Me:

Is there free shipping? 

Me:

… 

***

Beth Kanter’s work has appeared or is forthcoming in a range of publications including McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, X-R-A-Y Literary Magazine, Emerge Literary Journal, Identity Theory, and Cease, Cows. Beth is a Pushcart Prize and Best Small Fiction nominee. She won a UCLA James Kirkwood Literary Prize for her novel-in-progress, "Paved With Gold."  When not writing, she leads creative nonfiction workshops. You can read more of her work at bethkanter.com or follow her @beekaekae on Instagram.