He’s all ground up…
And his dreams are soaked…
“I think I want to quit,” I told my little sister, Ruby, as we drove to work on a painfully early Saturday morning in October. The words came out of my mouth and then just floated right there in front of my face. I was waiting for Ruby to grab them and throw them back at me, telling me all about how great this job was, or how I needed the money for rent. Instead, she just looked at me, quiet, taking me in for everything I was worth. I appreciated that about her. She was usually a mile a minute with me, but she knew when I needed her to slow down.
“Okay,” she said sweetly, as the sunrise’s shades of citrus glistened off her gold earrings and nose piercings. Our skin like sand at the beach was light brown and warm. Her short hanging braids swung to one side as I made a left turn. Meanwhile, my short flat top stood frozen in time on my head. She continued after a beat, “Did something happen? I thought you liked it?” We were both baristas at the 13 Bean Cafe downtown. I had been there for two years at that point. She, meanwhile, was only there for the year while she took a break from college to be… well, not in college. Honestly, It made sense. College was a nightmare for me. I hadn’t even gone yet.
“No, nothing happened,” I remarked. I adjusted my grip on the steering wheel and watched the sleeve of my red uniform t-shirt crinkle. “And I do like it here. I think. I don’t know. I’m tired. I want to do something else.”
“Okay, like what else?” She asked. “What else would you want to do?”
I took a second to think, while watching the cars ahead of me slow to a stop at the red light. “I don’t know,” I responded. “I’ve never really wanted to do anything so… I just ended up here.” I looked down and away.
Ruby grabbed my shoulder hard, startling me. “Dizzy, we’re both young, okay? Can you relax please? We’ve got time to figure these things out.”
“Easy for you to say,” I snapped back. “I’m the one paying rent. I’m out of the house. I have responsibilities now. Like taking care of you, for example.” Ruby was staying with me for the year at my place. I thought there wouldn’t be enough room for us both. But we were used to sharing a small space. That’s how we grew up. “Mom and Dad only let you stay here cause I’m secure now. And I like being secure. If I left the Cafe… I have no clue where I’d be.” Just as I glanced out my window at a closed-down gas station across the street, the light turned green. I had to move forward.
“You’re so dramatic,” Ruby said, grinning at me. “What are you scared of?”
“I don’t know,” I said. The corners of my mouth hung low with the weight of my thoughts. Ruby said. “Dizzy, you’re gonna be fine. Whatever you do, wherever you end up, I know you’re gonna do great things. I know you didn’t wanna go to college, but you know that doesn’t matter, right? If you have something you want to do, you can get it. You just gotta work hard. Like you do every day at the Cafe.”
I did feel better, honestly. “Thanks,” I said. “Sorry, I was kinda… spiraling for a second there, wasn’t I?” I chuckled.
“Yeah,” Ruby said as she smiled.. “You’re good.” And I was. I appreciated her.
♦ ♦ ♦
He’s lost in the smoke…
He’s searching for a way out…
We arrived at the Cafe slightly earlier than we planned. I was able to get a parking spot pretty close. The street’s silence was pure. The trees by the entrance stood perfectly still, and I heard nothing but the whistle of the warm breeze. I felt the air settle on my skin and stay there. All of it gave me a good feeling about the day. Like, maybe things would be in my favor for once.
Ruby and I had hoped that James, the owner and manager of the 13 Bean, was already there, because he had to unlock everything for us before the day got started, including the doors. Thankfully, they opened for us. We walked into the 13 Bean and greeted its violently red walls, looming over us with devilish grins. We walked through the congested array of tables and chairs and past the bar to get to the back hallway where our lockers were. Because we got there early we got to take our time, which was nice. Also, James didn’t seem to be around anywhere. Maybe he was in his office. Or the bathroom.
“By the way,” Ruby began out of nowhere. “What the fuck is up with Jessi and Rollo?”
“Jessi and Rollo?” I asked. Those were the other two baristas at the Cafe. They started working there shortly after I convinced James to hire Ruby. They were closer to Ruby in age than me, so it made sense that I usually heard about their drama through my sister. “What about them?”
“I think they’re fucking,” she said.
I laughed. “Yeah, like you would know.”
She sucked her teeth. “It’s just a feeling. They’ve been acting weird since I’ve known them, like a ‘love at first sight’ kinda thing. They’re always staring at each other and shit.”
“Well, even if that’s true, that’s none of my business,” I said.
“But isn’t that, like, not allowed or something?”
“They're both baristas so it’s not like there’s a ‘misconduct’ thing going on. Honestly, I don’t really care, as long as it doesn’t affect the work.” Which it hadn’t. So far, anyway. Just then, we heard a booming voice echo from down the hall.
“DIZZY!” James called as he waddled into the locker room. He was balding, with a full curly beard that hid the majority of his layered neck. His outfit wrapped somewhat loosely around his wide frame. He was dark like our coffee. “Dizzy, it’s good to see you here so early! I just knew if somebody was gonna be here early, it would be you.”
Ruby stepped out from behind me and waved sarcastically. “I’m also here early, James. Nice to see you too.”
“So Dizzy,” James continued. “Can I speak to you in my office for a minute? Before people start showing up?”
Ruby shot me a curious expression. I was more annoyed than concerned. What made me so special? Why couldn’t I just enjoy this morning in peace? “... Yeah sure,” I said, subtly massaging my temple. James nodded and signaled me to follow him. I walked behind him slowly until we arrived at the end of the hall, and walked through the door with his name on it and into his office. He went and sat at his desk and pointed at a chair across from him. I sat down in it.
“Dizzy, I have to say that these last two years you’ve been working here, I’ve been very impressed with your dedication, your diligence, and how you conduct yourself out on the floor. I’ve been very happy to have you here.”
Interesting. I really didn’t think I had been working all that hard. I was just making coffee and dealing with idiots all day. But he was sort of right. I did care about my job, whether I enjoyed it or not. I liked having somewhere to be, something to do. Responsibility. “Thank you,” I said firmly as I clapped my hands together. “I appreciate that, James. Means a lot.”
“I’m glad you do,” James said. He leaned forward and rested his folded arms on his desk. He looked me in my eyes intensely. He was making me nervous. “Dizzy, how would you feel about being the new manager?”
New manager? I didn’t even want to be a barista. “I uh-”
“Look, you don’t have to make a decision right now,” James said quickly, cutting me off by the grace of God. “It’s just something I really want you to think about. Right now, however, there’s something else I need to ask, and I need an answer right away.”
“Okay,” I said, squeezing my arm rests. My chair was beginning to feel like an electric one with each new tangent of this conversation. “What’s up?”
“My doctor called me this morning and told me that I need to come in today for several tests. At my last physical, they found some things were… out of order.” Suddenly, I saw all the light from his face go out. He continued, “I’m not sure what’s wrong, but that’s what today is for. So I have to be absent for a good portion of the morning. While I’m gone, I really need you to be in charge.”
I leaned back and grabbed my face. “Well… I don’t know, James.”
“Look, Dizzy, I know this is a lot to put on your plate so suddenly, but I really don’t know who else to ask. You’re my oldest employee, the most responsible. I’ve seen how you handle things, and I know you’re the man for the job.”
I wanted to turn him down. I really did, more than anything I’d wanted in a while. But I just couldn’t look away from him as he stared into me, and I saw his eyes become glossy as he tilted his head and tried to smile. He was begging me. I knew he needed me. I finally nodded.
“Good,” James said. “Thank you, Dizzy. I appreciate this.” He reached out his hand for me to shake it. I did. “I’ll be back by noon.”
I sulked back into the locker room, where Ruby was sitting in a chair, calmly waiting for me. She saw my demeanor and perked up. “What’s going on?” she asked.
I said, “I guess I’m in charge now.”
♦ ♦ ♦
He’s being tested…
And he might not make it out okay…
I paced around behind the bar until we officially opened, with burning anticipation for the day ahead of me. Ruby stood still, like stone, and kept telling me things would be okay. Shortly before we opened our doors to the ravenous public, Jessi and Rollo arrived at the Cafe. Jessi’s long locks were tied up with a headband, and her black sweatpants stuck to her curves like honey. Rollo had his cornrows, his magnetic brown eyes, and his black necklace with a silver pendant shaped like Africa. They had arrived together. Ruby shot me a knowing glance. I rolled my eyes.
“How y’all doing?” I said, trying to sound confident as I greeted them both.
“Fine,” Jessi said.
“Yeah, fine,” Rollo said. They turned away from each other. Meanwhile, Ruby and I stared at them in confusion. “Well okay then!” I continued enthusiastically. “Listen, I wanted to let you guys know that today’s going to be a little bit different. James had to go handle some personal business. While he’s gone, I’ll be in charge of the morning. So, if there’s any issues, you can come to me. Cool?”
“Yeah, whatever,” Jessi said, heading to her locker.
“I don’t care,” Rollo said, following her not-so-closely behind. Ruby and I watched them curiously.
I turned to Ruby. “So are they fucking orrrrrrr are they about to kill each other?” Ruby shushed me. “Careful, they might hear you.”
“Sorry,” I said, putting my hands up in defense.
By the time Jessi and Rollo came back out, the morning rush was upon us. Usually, Ruby and I were both on drinks, with Rollo helping us when he wasn’t preparing most food orders. Jessi was on register. Because of how busy it was, I felt afraid to leave my usual post, so I continued to make drinks with my sister for as long as I could. For most of the morning, things were going pretty well. I should have known better. This was the 13 Bean after all. Something always went wrong.
“I need to use the bathroom,” Jessi said suddenly. “Dizzy, can you cover?”
“You can’t wait till your break?” I asked.
“I need to go now. Please?”
I sighed. “Okay. But try and make it quick. You see what we’re dealing with here.”
“Thank you, Dizzy,” she said quickly with a grin. I could tell she needed it. She exited the bar and walked around, through the thick line of customers, to the back hallway. Rollo glanced at her. She didn’t do the same. Meanwhile, I assumed her position and looked up at the next person in line.
“Hi, what can I get for you?”
Just then, a woman who had already been served rushed up to the register. “Excuse me, can I speak to a manager?”
Oh, brother. “Ma’am, can you please give me a moment?”
“You guys gave me the wrong sandwich,” the woman continued. “I asked for the turkey club. This is ham!”
I looked back at Rollo. “What’s going on, man? Are you good?”
“Sorry,” Rollo said sheepishly. “I’ve been a little distracted.”
“Get it together please. I’m counting on you. And can you please make another turkey club for her?”
Rollo hung his head and turned back to his station.
I turned back to the next person in line. “I’m sorry, you were saying?”
“Dizzy!” I heard Ruby say. “This coffee maker is acting up!”
I swung my head around to address her. “What are you talking about?”
She pointed at our industrial coffee maker, which had 4 different dispensers and a myriad of settings. “It’s not working right. I don’t know. It’s not making the coffee fast enough.”
“Can you fix it?” I asked.
“No, dummy. That’s why I called you.”
“Just give me a second.”
Jessi returned from the bathroom. She walked around and entered the bar.
Rollo leaned over. “You okay?” he asked Jessi.
“Can we not do this right now?” Jessi said with piercing diction.
“Why aren’t you talking to me?” Rollo pleaded.
“Just… leave me alone, Rollo,” she said as she turned back to the register.
I put a hand out to both of them. “Hey, guys, I don’t know what’s going on here and it’s none of my business, really, but get a handle on it now. Okay? I need you guys to be focused.”
“It’s not me. It’s her,” Rollo said, pointing a finger. “She’s the one who ain’t saying shit.” “There’s nothing to say, so drop it,” Jessi said through gritted teeth.
“Dizzy, something is seriously wrong with this coffee maker,” Ruby interjected. “I don’t know what’s happening. Can you come look at it?”
“I’ll get to it,” I said sharply.
The line was growing longer and longer and beginning to form into more of a crowd. The woman from before, still standing by the register, said, “Where’s the manager?”
“That’s me,” I said nervously.
“You’re not the manager. Where’s the fat guy?” she inquired.
“He’s not here. What is the problem?”
“I want my sandwich!” she demanded. “I’ve been waiting here for 5 minutes.”
“It has not been that long,” Jessi said, checking her. “Rollo! Where the fuck is her sandwich?”
“Can you relax?” Rollo said. “I’m working on it. Like Dizzy told me to.”
“No, I can’t relax!” Jessi ranted. “This lady needs her food, and you on bullshit, so she don’t got it!”
“Dizzy!” Ruby shouted through the commotion. “This coffee maker is acting really weird, and the buttons aren’t doing anything. Can you please look at it?” I wasn’t listening.
“What the fuck is wrong with you today?” Rollo said, glaring at Jessi. “I’m trying to talk to you and you’re not giving me anything.”
Jessi balled up her fists and looked up at the ceiling before glaring directly at Rollo, right into his soul. “My period is a week late, okay! That’s what the fuck is going on!”
Rollo shuddered and stumbled back. Then he stood perfectly still. They looked at each other. Suddenly, James came in through the entrance in a daze. When he saw all that was happening in the Cafe, he absolutely lost it. “What’s going on here!?!” he shouted. “DIZZY!”
“I’m sorry, James. I’m trying, okay? Things just got a little out of hand.”
“Dizzy, I thought I could trust you to take care of things. How could you let this happen?”
“Dizzy, the coffee maker isn’t making coffee anymore!” Ruby yelled. “I can’t press the buttons, and nothing’s happening. Help me please!” I ignored her.
“You know what, James? I don’t wanna do this shit anymore. I can’t do this shit anymore! I don’t care what you think! It’s too much, and I’m just not the guy for the job! I QUIT!” The coffee maker exploded. Erupted in flames. The crowd and all my co-workers screamed as the place quickly filled up with smoke. Everybody bustled through the exits, stumbling over each other for dear life. James, lost in the smoke, grabbed his chest as he searched for the way out.
♦ ♦ ♦
He’s a little nervous about it all…
But he has help…
Everybody was surprisingly calm once we were all outside, watching the flames slowly consume the Cafe from within. While James and a handful of loyal customers frantically called the fire department, people in the stores across the street and next door brought their fire extinguishers to try and help. Fire trucks and ambulances swarmed the Cafe no more than five minutes after the explosion. Most people left, seeing as there was no way for them to get their coffee. A few had stayed around, as well as those just passing by, to gawk at all the commotion like children.
Just outside the entrance, Jessi and Rollo sat on a bench. Rollo had his arm wrapped around Jessi as he caressed her with a comforting hand, and softly kissed her on the cheek. He said something in her ear. She said something back. I wasn’t sure what they were talking about. And frankly, it really wasn’t any of my business to begin with.
Ruby and I stood next to each other across the street, both of us exhausted. I turned to the right and saw James, sitting on the sidewalk. I walked over to him.
“James, I just wanna say I’m sorry about everything. I tried really hard to keep it together.”
James sighed. “It’s okay,” he began. “You’re just starting out. These things happen early on.”
My eyes darted back and forth. “So how was the doctor’s?”
“It wasn’t good. … It turns out I have a heart disease.”
“Oh my God,” I said, gasping. “That’s terrible.”
“I know,” James said. “I need to get bypass surgery right away. They say I’ll need to take time off from work. Maybe 8-12 weeks. … I’m sorry for how I yelled at you back there. I’ve just got a lot weighing on me. And I was… I was really hoping I could count on you to take over for me. In my absence or… just… take over: period.”
It was a daunting prospect. But at the same time, it was security. Responsibility. The things I wanted. And the path to them was right there. I just had to walk down it. But after today, I knew once and for all that this was not for me. As scary as it was to go another way, and to walk down a path I wasn’t sure of, I knew it was right. And I believed Ruby when she said I could do great things no matter what. I wanted to do great things. I really did.
“I’m sorry, James,” I said. I looked at him the same way he looked at me that morning. “I’m not cut out for this. It’s not what I’m meant to do. I wish you the best of luck. This is a great place, and the people here are great too. You included. But I have to go.”
James held his head in his hands. He looked back up with glossy eyes. “It’s okay,” he said, holding something back. “I’m sorry if I made you feel pressured. I just believed in you. And I still do.” He reached out his hand for me to shake it. I did.
I walked back and found my sister. “Are you ready to go?”
“Yeah,” she said. “Are you?”
It was a good question. I didn’t have an answer then. We walked back to my car. I felt the warm breeze again. But it was different this time. I felt so light and free, like the breeze could just pick me up and take me anyway I wanted to go.
I unlocked the car. Ruby opened her door and smiled at me. “I’m proud of you,” she said. I smiled back. “Me too.”
Before I got back in my car, I took one last look at James. He was looking at his dreams. They were all soaked in water. He was crumbling under the weight of that fact. I was afraid of the same fate for my own dreams. But I knew at this point in life more than ever, it was worth it just to say I tried.
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