Doreen hadn’t been planning much for her birthday.
Low-key was how she liked things, and she would have gladly spent a quiet evening at home were it not for her parents’ insistence that they go out to dinner.
They worried about her. The burden of being an only child, was made greater by the fact that she was also ‘willfully single’ as her mother referred to it. No matter how many times she told them that she was perfectly happy and didn’t need, or particularly want, a partner, they always fretted and insisted that isolation was bad for a person.
“Have you met other people?” Doreen joked to her father, who always responded to her sarcasm with a dutiful chuckle.
Walking up to the front window of the restaurant, she could see them already seated with glasses of wine, animatedly discussing something that was almost certainly her.
“Oh for fuck’s sake.”
She’d arrived almost twenty minutes early and they’d still beaten her there. Her folks were probably going over the current iteration of their game plan for getting her life back on track.
Doreen sighed, wishing she’d popped a weed gummy before leaving, then slowly reached for the door handle.
*****
“I don’t understand why you haven’t tried one of those dating apps; it takes all the guesswork out of things. Not like the awful blind dates and family setups I went on before I met your father.”
“You and Dad have been together since high school.”
“Because I knew to grab on to a good thing when it came along. But that can’t happen if you don’t put yourself out there.”
“All your mother is trying to say is that you have options and should take advantage of them.”
“Including the option to not be with someone.”
“Is that honestly what you want?” Doreen’s mother said. “To come back to an empty apartment day after day?”
“I like having my own space and doing things my own way without having to consult or compromise with anyone.”
“And what about romance, love, intimacy?”
“Jesus Mom!”
“Keep your voice down,” Doreen’s mother hissed.
Her father put his hand on top of Doreen’s. “Look honey, we’re not trying to hassle you. Your mother and I are just concerned for your future and what happens when we’re not around.”
“You act like I’m still bumming around at home. I have my own life.”
“Living in a place where your rent keeps increasing and working at a job where your salary hasn’t,” Doreen’s mother said.
“It’s a good job,” Doreen said, but there wasn’t any conviction behind it. She took a long swallow from her glass of red and glanced around for a waiter hoping to disrupt the conversation with a request for more bread.
“We love you and we only want what’s best,” Doreen’s father said.
“Then you need to let me decide that for myself and be okay with it.”
Her parents exchanged a look and Doreen excused herself to use the restroom.
*****
“Just smile and nod and go along with whatever they say, same as always,” Doreen said to her reflection in the bathroom mirror. Not that she wanted to, but the alternative to capitulation was having some awful fight that left all of them upset until enough time had passed for everyone to reset and pretend it never happened.
‘They’re never going to understand.’
She knew this was true. It didn’t matter how many different ways she tried to explain things. To them, it simply didn’t make sense that a well-adjusted person would choose to be alone. They weren’t some idyllic, fairytale couple that never argued or got on each other’s nerves, but they’d always had a loving and supportive relationship and thought it was what everyone should have.
‘At least they’ve never hounded me about grandkids.’
Thank god for her cousin Marie who had five rugrats that served as surrogates for her parents at every family function. Doreen said that they should just adopt Marie, and she had seen something flicker across her mother’s face that made her think the idea had crossed her mind.
“They mean well,” Doreen said and took a deep breath before heading back to the table.
When she arrived she saw the plate of angel hair pasta she’d ordered sitting in front of her place.
“We thought you’d fallen in,” her father said with his requisite dry chortle as he turned toward Doreen.
His face was contorted in a way that made his features appear as if they’d been compressed. The nose was completely flattened, nostrils splayed to the side so that they overlapped with the sunken cheeks; his mouth had become a concave bow with the lips no longer visible, and the eyes were buried so deep in their sockets that at first glance they appeared hollow.
“Dad?!”
“What’s the matter, darling?” her mother said.
Doreen looked over and saw the same horrible disfigurement on her mother’s face. She rubbed at her eyes with the heels of her hands and when her vision refocused her parents’ faces had returned to normal.
She drained the rest of her wine in a single swallow and flagged down a passing porter for another glass.
“Are you quite alright, dear?” her father said.
“Yeah Dad, I’m fine. Just got something in my eye.”
*****
The rest of the meal passed without incident, but even as Doreen was saying goodbye to her parents and scheduling a rideshare, she still had lingering images of their deformed faces swimming around inside her head.
She’d had a full physical only three weeks ago and an eye exam a couple months before that, which didn’t do much to stop her from worrying that there was something seriously wrong with her. Her therapist said she had a tendency to conjure up worst-case scenarios; that catastrophizing the events in her life gave Doreen a feeling of relief when the tragedies didn’t occur. This same therapist had gone on vacation to Puerto Rico seven months ago and decided to stay, leaving Doreen high and dry. She could hear her mother’s voice in her head saying that if she had a spouse then at least she’d have someone to talk to instead of paying a stranger to listen.
A black Honda pulled up to the curb and rolled down the passenger side window.
“Doreen?”
“That’s me,” Doreen said and climbed into the back seat.
The driver confirmed the destination address with her before pulling away.
“Been driving long?” Doreen said. Normally she wouldn’t want to bother him with idle chitchat, but she needed something to distract her from the mental pictures of her parents that kept trying to force their way back into her consciousness.
“A little over a year. I wanted something flexible to pick up extra cash in the evenings. My landlord nearly doubled my rent.”
“Jesus, that’s awful.”
“Yeah, it’s not great, but what can you do?”
“I find screaming into the void helps, provided your void is in a remote area away from nosy bystanders.”
The driver laughed. “Might have to give that a try.”
“My place has terrible plumbing and the paint literally sweats in the summertime, but at least the owner hasn’t jacked up the rates.”
“Any vacancies?”
“Unfortunately no; it’s only an eight-unit building and most of the residents have been there for years.”
“You let me know if anyone leaves...or dies...I’m not picky.”
This time Doreen laughed. “So long as you’re not homicidal.”
“No, no, just an eager scavenger of someone’s untimely demise.”
“Well alright then,” Doreen said and caught a glimpse of the driver’s grinning reflection in the rearview mirror. It was only for a moment, but something about it wasn’t right.
The car stopped in front of her apartment and she quickly opened the door and got out.
“My name’s Bruno by the way. It says Brian on the app, but I go by Bruno.”
“It was nice talking with you Bruno,” Doreen said, giving a little wave but not looking directly at him. “Thanks for the ride.”
“My pleasure. You let me know if anyone croaks.”
“Sure thing,” Doreen said and quickly headed for the front door.
*****
As soon as she stepped into the apartment, Doreen felt like she was being watched.
She switched on the lights and looked around but didn’t see anything.
“Sid, where the hell are you hiding?”
There was a high-pitched chirp from somewhere in the back half of the unit and a moment later a long, slender black cat came slinking into view.
“How about some dinner Sidney?”
The cat gave a trilled meow and followed Doreen into the kitchen.
“Been a weird one buddy,” Doreen said as she opened a can and placed the contents into a small metal bowl. She set the food down on the kitchen floor and stroked Sid’s back as he started to eat.
“Seriously dude, I’ve seen some strange shit today.”
Sid stopped eating and looked up at Doreen.
For a moment she was afraid his face would be transformed into some nightmarish configuration, but it was just his adorable feline features staring back at her. He cocked his head to the side as if waiting for her to continue, and when she didn’t, he turned his attention back to the bowl. Doreen watched as he quickly consumed the remaining food, crossed the hallway, and headed into her bedroom.
“Agreed. Think it’s time to call it a night. Give my bent brain some rest to sort itself out.”
*****
Doreen left for work half an hour early to minimize the chances of running into coworkers.
She closed her office door and hoped that no one came knocking for fear she wouldn’t be able to look them in the eye. The incident with her parents was still haunting her and she didn’t want to risk it happening again. For most of her life, she’d struggled with intrusive thoughts that centered on her parents being hurt or killed. They’d pop up when she was trying to concentrate in class or in the middle of a movie theater, crowding out everything else in her head, but nothing as intense as the waking nightmare at the restaurant had ever happened to her.
It started when her uncle died unexpectedly.
Before that death had been an abstract idea devoid of details like a stuttering, graveside eulogy from her father and sobbing, inconsolable adults most of whom she’d never seen shed a single tear.
Uncle Teddy was the black sheep or free spirit as Doreen’s grandmother referred to him. She usually only saw him at Thanksgiving and Christmas and their conversations tended to be perfunctory stuff about school being a drag or asking what new bands she was into. Doreen assumed he was like her other relatives who largely disregarded her, but Teddy was the first person outside of her parents who gave her books and cassettes as presents instead of plastic dolls or frilly dresses that she had no interest in. He’d made an appearance at her twelfth birthday party, which was unusual. Normally he’d just mail her a box of tapes and paperbacks along with a silly homemade greeting card. That night Doreen heard her parents arguing after they thought she’d gone to sleep. Her father wanted to help Teddy get checked into rehab, but her mother thought it was a bad idea to get involved. Doreen wasn’t sure if he ever went to the facility, but if he did, the treatment didn’t stick. Seven months later he was dead after wrapping his car around a tree coming home from a bar late one night.
The wake was small and insular with only family attending. Looking back, Doreen couldn’t understand why her grandmother had insisted on an open casket. The mortician had done his best, but no amount of cosmetic restoration could hide the fact that one side of her uncle’s face had shifted slightly creating an incongruous symmetry that was deeply upsetting to look at.
A few days after the funeral she began experiencing unbidden images of her parents mauled in an auto wreck or plummeting to their death in an elevator. There had been years of therapists and medications since then but nothing got rid of them completely, and over time Doreen learned to live with it.
A new email appeared in her inbox marked as high importance.
All Staff Meeting Today at 2:30 - Attendance Mandatory
*****
The company held their meetings in a multimedia presentation room that was large enough to double as an auditorium. It was one of the things frequently highlighted about the new building along with the state-of-the-art cafeteria and ultra-luxurious lounge area. These amenities were meant to make staff want to hang out and put in long hours, but nothing about its tastefully recessed lighting or gourmet meatloaf made Doreen feel like sticking around past five o’clock any more than the old concrete box with its sickly green fluorescents and shoddy air conditioning had.
She supposed that sort of thing might entice new hires, but after more than two decades with the company, Doreen knew that the real incentive to stay was the knowledge that it probably wasn’t any better somewhere else.
When the doors opened she headed for the back, hoping that no one would follow her. The room had almost twice as many seats as it needed and people usually sat near the front to avoid appearing inattentive and provoking the ire of their managers. A few folks headed in her direction but stopped before they’d reached the rear seats, and when the lights went down she still had the row to herself.
The COO of the company stood in front of a podium while slides of various charts and graphs appeared on a large screen behind him.
“We’re thrilled to announce that we’ve exceeded our projections for the most recent quarter. While this is certainly fantastic news, we all know that our competition is tougher than it’s ever been. That’s why we’re implementing new performance protocols starting next week.”
A collective groan rippled through the crowd which seemed to go unnoticed by the COO. It was too dark and she was too far away to clearly make out the man’s face. What little Doreen could see of her coworkers, mostly the backs of their heads, didn’t appear irregular. The meeting was almost over when the screen changed from a list of highlighted bullet points to a video of the CEO hunched forward in a brown, leather loveseat.
“I’m sorry that I couldn’t be there in person today, but I just wanted to say how proud I am of our entire Blenidex family and the fine work you’ve all done....”
The image was enormous in proportion, which made what Doreen was seeing all the more horrific. CEO Robert Carillo’s features had been smashed inward as if by some terrible concussive force; he was speaking through pulverized lips mottled with purple and black bruises, somehow managing to produce sounds from that ruined mouth. His eyes drifted from side to side as he spoke and it looked to Doreen like two brown marbles sliding around in the bottom of a bowl.
She pointed her head down at her feet and sat there like that until the meeting ended.
*****
The rest of the day Doreen kept herself sequestered in her office and didn’t leave until almost seven. Even then the office wasn’t entirely empty, but at least it was relatively easy to avoid the remaining people if she was careful about it.
On the bus ride home she sat in the back again and was relieved to find that more people were leaving than boarding. By the time she was three stops away the bus had completely emptied out apart from the driver and Doreen let out a breath she felt like she’d been holding in since the meeting.
There was a buzz in her hip pocket and she pulled out her phone to see a text from her mother. Doreen glanced at the preview and decided not to read the rest of the message until she got home. She usually video chatted with her folks for a few minutes every day, but since the restaurant the idea of seeing her parents or even speaking to them felt dangerous. There was a part of her that was afraid she might somehow cause the awful things she’d seen to actually happen. It was illogical and irrational, but Doreen couldn’t shake the sensation that she was a hazard to her mom and dad. She checked her email and was in the middle of deleting a spam ad for vitamin supplements when she noticed there was something wrong with the seat in front of her.
The rounded plastic top of the chair on the left was sliding sideways into the other, oozing over and losing its shape like ice cream melting on hot asphalt. Doreen put the phone away and quickly glanced around the bus. The two horizontal support poles on either side that ran the length of the compartment were sagging in the middle and a bench seat across from her had bulged out from its frame and was now blocking part of the aisle. She pulled the yellow signal cord and the plastic wire felt like warm taffy in her hand, stretching down and around her fingers until she finally shook herself free from it. Doreen bolted up before the bus had a chance to fully stop and braced herself against one of the vertical poles to prevent herself from falling, the metal cylinder warm and thrumming against her palm like a living thing. As she stumbled out the door the bus driver shouted something at her, but Doreen couldn’t understand anything coming from the dilapidated face in the pale blue uniform.
She stood there on the sidewalk panting for breath as the disintegrating hulk of the bus disappeared around the corner.
*****
On the walk home, Doreen kept staring at her hands expecting to see residue clinging to her skin, but there was nothing. She could still feel the sensation of the support pole pulsing beneath her grip and the signal cord pulling away like a strand of caramel.
At home, Sid greeted her by rubbing against the side of her leg as she walked in.
“Think I’m really losing my marbles, Sidney.”
Sid made a muffled chirp and jumped into Doreen’s lap as she sat on the couch. She kissed the top of his head and gently transferred him onto an adjacent cushion before getting up and walking over to the fridge to grab a beer.
Doreen took a pull from the bottle and let the neck dangle between her fingertips as she paced around the living room. This wasn’t some side effect from a change in medication or a stress hallucination brought on by all the bullshit at work. She knew what those things felt like and how they manifested, and this was something altogether different. It was like the world she knew had been replaced by a grotesque pantomime that only she could see.
“My very own tumble down the rabbit hole. Might as well call me Alice from now on.”
Sid meowed in acknowledgment and flopped over onto his back. Doreen sat down next to him and started rubbing his belly.
“Just promise you won’t change on me.”
Sid flicked one of his ears forward.
“I’m taking that as a yes.”
She put the beer down on the coffee table and picked up the remote. There was a series she was in the middle of watching but instead clicked over to a movie from her youth and curled up behind Sid as the opening credits scrolled and a synth-heavy score filled the room.
In the morning she’d make an appointment with her doctor and find out what the hell was going on inside her head.
*****
After a brief physical examination and a more detailed description of her symptoms, Doreen’s physician scheduled an MRI at a nearby facility. In the meantime, Doreen was becoming an expert at avoiding unnecessary face-to-face contact, which admittedly wasn’t much different than her previous routine. During team meetings with her department, she’d been saying there was some glitch with her laptop as an excuse to keep things audio only. I.T. was notoriously slow to swap out hardware and thankfully there wasn’t another all-staff scheduled until next month.
There was a knock at her office door and Doreen flinched. “One moment,” she said reflexively, cursing herself for not remaining silent. “Come on in.”
“Hey there,” Shelia said, letting the door close behind her. “You busy?”
“Kind of.”
“This will only take a sec.”
“Um, sure. What’s up?”
Sheila put a greeting card with a post-it note affixed to the front on Doreen’s desk.
“Got this for Boss’s Day. Everybody needs to sign it and maybe say a little something.”
“Oh, okay.”
“When you’ve finished just check off the box next to your initials and give it to someone who hasn’t signed yet.”
“Gotcha.”
“Is everything alright?”
“Yeah, why do you ask?”
“Cause you’re looking at me like I’ve got something nasty stuck in my teeth.”
“Nothing in there, I promise,” Doreen said as she forced herself not to grimace at the brutalized monstrosity of Sheila’s face.
“Don’t forget to pass it on after you’re done.”
“Will do,” Doreen said and gave what she hoped was a congenial smile as she waited what seemed like an eternity for Sheila to leave.
*****
She’d only ever seen an MRI on television, but being in the same room as the enormous contraption, which resembled a futuristic sarcophagus from a Kubrick movie, gave Doreen a bolt of dread down her back.
“Everyone gets nervous.”
Doreen turned to the medical tech in gray hospital scrubs who had escorted her in. “Is it that obvious?”
“The only people who aren’t on edge are either zen masters or sociopaths.”
“Well, I’m definitely not a zen master.”
The young woman in the scrubs chuckled.
“I’m going to give you some earplugs to help with the noise. My advice is to close your eyes and imagine yourself dozing on a tropical beach somewhere.”
“If I spend any time in the sun I turn into a lobster.”
“Snuggled under a blanket next to a cozy fire then.”
“Much better.”
“It really isn’t as bad as people think. Just try to relax.”
As soon as the noise started, Doreen closed her eyes and visualized the interior of a log cabin. She pictured herself lying on an old, overstuffed sofa with the knitted afghan she had at home draped over her. The image helped calm her and things were going fine until a loud clunk caused her to open her eyes.
It didn’t seem any different at first apart from one side of the tube being slightly closer to her than the other. In her peripheral vision she saw the interior wall begin to swell until it was almost touching her left cheek. Doreen didn’t want to make them halt the procedure because then they’d have to start the whole thing over from the beginning. She slammed her eyes shut and took deep steady breaths. She was afraid that the table wouldn’t be able to move after the scan had completed, but it slid forward without issue ushering her prone body out of the tube.
“See, that wasn’t so terrible.” the tech said.
“No, not at all.” Doreen lied.
“You can go ahead and get changed.”
“Thank you.”
On the ride home Doreen smiled and nodded along with the driver as he talked about his recent trip to Australia.
In her head, all she could see was that curved wall coming closer and closer until there was nothing left but smooth white suffocation and the cacophony of the machine as it slowly enveloped her.
*****
Doreen wasn’t sure she wanted to know the results of the MRI.
If they found something then it was bound to be serious, and if the scan was clean then what did that mean for her and everything she’d been experiencing?
Work had been a welcome distraction for a change, at least until Sheila showed up.
“I need your help setting up for the party,” Sheila said.
“What party?”
“The one for Boss’s Day.”
“I thought that was last week.”
“The actual day was last week, but we still need to have a celebration.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s what people do, Doreen. Amber is out sick with covid or the flu or ebola for all I know, and she was supposed to be running it with me.”
“This really isn’t my thing. I’m not a party planner sort of person, and I’m really busy with—”
“We’re all busy Doreen, but people still find time to pitch in. Trust me, if there was anyone else,” Sheila said and trailed off.
“Alright, how can I help?”
“The decorations are in the conference room. I need you to put them up while I go and get the food.”
“Couldn’t we just have it delivered?”
“Everyone knows you have to check your order at the place because they always mess it up or forget something.”
“Sure,” Doreen said, nodding absently in agreement while still staring at her screen.
“I have to leave. You’re on this, right?”
Doreen nodded again. “On it.”
Sheila sighed. “Just make sure it’s done by the time I get back.”
*****
There was a bright orange plastic tablecloth and blue and white crepe streamers along with packages of disposable plates, cups, and utensils. Doreen grabbed a roll of scotch tape from Amber’s desk at reception and stood on one of the wheeled chairs in the conference room, praying that it didn’t slide out from under her as she began hanging the steamers. After adorning the front half of the room with festive crepe twirls she decided it was enough and started on the table. There were two huge stacks of cups and plates, which Doreen thought was kinda funny considering that with Amber out and the Sys Admin Bruce babysitting a server installation, they’d be left with half a dozen at most. Admittedly, once word of the food got out the suits in marketing would inevitably make their way over and probably some of the interns since they needed all the free grub they could get.
“This actually looks pretty good.”
Doreen stood up from straightening the corner of the tablecloth and stumbled backward until her shoulder blades thudded against the wall.
“What’s wrong?” Sheila said.
Doreen tried to speak but the only thing that came out was a dry rattle of air.
“Jesus Christ Doreen, what the hell is the matter with you?!”
The fractured features she had seen on Sheila were gone now, pushed back so far that there was nothing left above her neck except a flesh-edged oval with a ponytail dangling down behind it.
“You need to pull yourself together before Mitch and the others get here,” commanded the hollow void that had been Sheila’s face.
“...ba...bathroom....” Doreen managed as she staggered out of the office and headed down to the lobby.
*****
It was mercifully empty on the bus, but Doreen still kept her attention on her phone in case the interior started to change or someone boarded before she got off. When she got back to her apartment she called into work and left a message about becoming ill and needing to leave. She was grateful that Mitch hadn’t picked up the phone, probably because he was currently at the party she’d just fled.
She sat there on the sofa with her head in her hands and Sid sidled up beside her and gently headbutted her shoulder.
“Oh Sidney. What the hell is happening to me?”
Sid nuzzled against her arm and flopped down beside her just as her cell on the coffee table began buzzing with an unknown number.
“Hello?”
“Hi, is this Doreen Arey?”
“Yes.”
“This is Stacey from Doctor Meyer’s office. We received the results of your MRI and wanted to let you know that everything came back normal.”
“Oh, um, that’s great.”
“Doctor Meyer would like to schedule a follow-up appointment. Are you available this coming Monday at nine thirty?”
“Yeah, I should be able to make that work.”
“I’ll put you down for then and if it turns out you can’t make it just let us know no later than forty-eight hours before the appointment and we can reschedule.”
“Sure.”
“You have a good rest of your day.”
“Thanks, you too.”
The call ended but Doreen kept the phone pressed against the side of her head like she was expecting someone else to start talking. After a few moments she put the cell back on the table and looked down at Sid who was now sprawled across her lap.
“Guess it isn’t a tumor. Turns out mama is just looney tunes.”
Sid looked up at her and Doreen was sure that at any moment his face would morph into something awful, but his sleek, black feline features stayed in their same adorable state. She kissed him on top of his head and let out a long, shuddering breath that caught in her throat.
“...I’m really scared Sid....”
He flopped over onto his back and began to purr as Doreen pet his chest and stomach. She leaned down and whispered in his ear.
“Please promise you won’t change on me.”
Sid continued to purr while Doreen stroked his soft fur and felt her eyelids grow heavy as exhaustion overtook her.
*****
It looked like the same familiar corridor that led to her office, but her door at the end was now so far down that Doreen could barely make it out in the distance.
She began walking and noticed that the printed name plaques next to the doors had been replaced by some handwritten scrawl that was indecipherable to her. As she progressed down the hall she noticed that the doorways were canted at increasingly crooked angles, the frames growing more and more askew until the wooden slabs clung to their hinges like baby teeth dangling in a child’s mouth. She walked for what seemed like miles before finally reaching her office and gingerly pushed the teetering door aside. Her L-shaped desk was covered in scorch marks on the faux-oak, formica surface and the computer and monitor had been reduced to a puddle of black, plastic goo that had oozed out over the front edge and pooled onto the carpeting. The only other thing on the desktop was a picture of her parents that was intact in its silver frame but the original image had been twisted into those misshapen faces she’d seen at the restaurant.
She leaned down to pick up the photo and inspect it more closely, but froze when her mother began speaking.
“When are you going to get serious about your life? You can’t just keep carrying-on without any ambition or a proper plan for the future.”
Doreen tried to turn around and exit the office but her legs refused to obey.
“Do you want to end up a spinster without anyone to care for you? You think a cat is going to look after you in your old age?”
“Stop! Stop it!”
“It’s like you don’t even care. Utterly content to be overlooked and unappreciated, some non-entity who people secretly pity whenever they see them.”
“Shut up! Just shut up!”
“I never thought I’d live to see my only child grow up to be such a loser. What a disappointment you’ve turned out to be.”
*****
Doreen woke with her heart pounding against her ribs as rivulets of sweat ran down her back and forehead. She couldn’t remember leaving the couch and was slightly confused to see the curtains beside her bed after she cleared the morning cobwebs from her vision. Sid was snoozing on top of the blanket by her feet and she carefully slid out from beneath the covers so as not to wake him, since doing so would mean an immediate demand for breakfast and she wanted a little time to herself before that happened. She winced thinking about her incident at the office and of all the things that might have been said about her after she left. At least it had been Friday, which gave her hope that it would be forgotten amidst the weekend mental purge that most people did as an act of self-preservation.
That was assuming Sheila didn’t try to make Doreen’s sudden departure some salacious bit of water-cooler gossip. They certainly weren’t friends, but she didn’t think that Sheila would try to actively sabotage her. Doreen had made it a point not to get involved in the personal lives of her coworkers and to avoid department drama at all costs. This attitude ran counter to the corporate spiel where the company liked to bandy about the Blenidex familial ethos in their press releases. The last thing Doreen wanted after years of flying under the radar was to suddenly be thrust into the spotlight.
She put on her robe and slippers and went down the short flight of stairs to check her mailbox since she’d forgotten to do it yesterday. There was nothing in the rectangular metal cubby aside from a few restaurant flyers and an ad from someone running for city council that apparently decided to get a jump on election season.
Doreen dumped the contents into the recycling bin in the lobby and headed back. Halfway up she tripped over the bottom hem of her robe and grabbed onto the banister for support; the rail buckled beneath her grip like it was made of putty and she fell to her knees onto the carpeted treads.
She stayed there for a while, staring over at the curve in the railing and the row of shallow indentations her fingers had left in the wood.
Doreen crawled on her hands and knees up the remaining steps and across the hall, scuttling into her unit before anyone saw. She hoisted herself up using the edge of the kitchen counter expecting at any moment that it would warp beneath her hands but it remained solid.
“Sid. Sidney. Obsidian Erasmus Arey, get your fuzzy butt over here right now.”
There was a soft fwump of paws hitting the floor and then she saw black whiskers peek around the living room entryway as Sid sauntered into the kitchen. She scooped him up into her arms and then slowly made her way around the apartment, methodically testing each area in their home to make sure it was safe.
The rest of the day was spent traversing the apartment on tenterhooks with the worry that any false step or sudden movement might trigger another event.
Nothing about her life felt stable except for Sid and Doreen was afraid that simply being around her might change him the way it had the others. He was lying on the sofa, his eyelids alternately drifting closed and springing back open as his ancestral predator instincts fought against the urge to nap in a shaft of late afternoon sun slanting in along the couch cushions.
“Maybe we should become shut-ins Sid. Get all our stuff delivered and shun the outside world.”
Sid stretched out his long front legs and gave a wide yawn then curled himself into a circle.
“We’re in agreement then. Hermits from here on out.”
The sun was beginning to dip below the horizon and Doreen wondered if it wasn’t such an unreasonable idea, at least in the short term. There were certainly complications to becoming a recluse, not everything could be done from the comforts of home and she’d still have to go into work, but she could definitely limit her exposure. What if this whole situation was her brain rebelling against the monotony of doing the same things day-in and day-out for decades and she simply needed a change in her routine to reset the circuits.
“So my midlife crisis is some bad acid-trip freakout brought on by the ennui of modern existence. Would’ve been better off buying a sports car or going base-jumping in Bali.” Doreen muttered and then laughed at the absurdity of the idea.
“Think I’ll give solitude a shot. You with me, Sidney?”
Sid made no move from his sun dappled spot on the couch.
“Alright then. Do-nothing weekend for the both of us.”
*****
It had worked at first.
That night she’d ordered takeout from a sandwich shop and the delivery driver left the food in the lobby after she buzzed them in. She and Sid watched countless hours of movies and television shows, mostly ones she knew by heart for the sense of comfort they provided. The next day she dined on leftovers and whatever was in the fridge, but by the following evening there wasn’t much left apart from condiments and a few freezer-burned relics.
“What do you think Sidney, should we splurge again?”
Sid meowed his assent and Doreen ordered a pizza from her local place, which had their own app that conveniently remembered her previous pie sizes and topping selections.
“Just the thing for we creatures of habit.”
Sid blinked and yawned.
“I know that this is all a bit boring, but that’s exactly what I need right now.”
Doreen buzzed the front door when the pizza arrived, but when she got downstairs the driver was still standing outside. She’d already left a delivery tip with her order, but maybe he didn’t want to risk leaving the box in the lobby.
“Pizza for Doreen,” the driver said.
“That’s me,” Doreen said, keeping her eyes pointed toward the floor as she opened the steel security door.
“Be careful, the bottom is really hot. Best to hold it from the sides.”
She took the box from him, reflexively glancing up as she did so. “Thank y—”
The man stood there in blue jeans and a gray sweatshirt with a hood that was pulled up over nothing except empty space.”
“Are you alright, Miss?”
“...fa...fine...I’m fine,” Doreen said as she retreated back into the lobby. The door swung shut and she quickly made her way back upstairs nearly dropping the pizza in the process.
She put the cardboard box down on the kitchen table, though she didn’t feel much like eating anymore. Instead she placed the slices into two large plastic containers and put them in the fridge.
Sid hadn’t moved from his spot on the sofa and Doreen slumped down next to him.
She stared at the blocky cartoon images scrolling by on her TV’s screensaver as tears traced their way down the sides of her cheeks and disappeared into the sofa cushions.
*****
The first thing Doreen saw after booting up her computer was a meeting request from her supervisor.
Her stomach sank as she scanned through the rest of the unread emails in her inbox, making sure there weren’t any other surprises she needed to know about, then locked her screen and headed for the other side of the office. She’d always had a good relationship with Mitch, but not knowing what had transpired on Friday after she left still felt a bit like walking into a minefield.
His door was open but Doreen knocked on the frame.
“Hey there,” Mitch said, looking up from his monitor. “Why don’t you go ahead and close that.”
Doreen shut the door behind her and sat down in the chair across from the desk.
“How are you feeling?” Mitch said.
“Better now, thank you.”
“Glad to hear it.”
“I’m sorry for leaving last week without talking to you first. I felt really sick.”
“Yeah, Sheila mentioned that you were behaving strangely in the conference room.”
Doreen felt her face go hot. “...oh, did she?”
“Her description sounded pretty bizarre, but then she’s always had a flair for the dramatic.”
Doreen tried to laugh at this, but the sound died in her throat.
“I’ve been having some...abnormalities with my vision. That’s what my appointment was for this morning.”
“Sounds serious.”
“My doctor doesn’t seem overly concerned; probably just a transitory thing.”
“Still, I hope they’re being thorough.”
“Oh yes, she’s very good. In the process of running more tests right now to try and track down the cause.”
“It’s important to have a physician you trust.”
“...yes...it is....” Doreen said and watched as the window blinds behind Mitch began to droop, the horizontal strips of metal forming an inverted rainbow that was slowly making its way toward the floor.
“Is everything alright?”
Doreen doubled over and slammed her eyes shut.
“I’m calling an ambulance.”
“No, please don’t. I’ll be okay”
“At least let me get you a car so you can go home.”
“...thank you....” Doreen said without looking up.
Mitch fiddled with his phone for a few moments and then stood up and crossed to the other side of the desk. “They’ll be here soon. I’ll help you down and wait with you.”
Doreen rose from the chair but kept her eyes closed. “If you could take my arm.”
They shuffled along the halls together and passed through the reception area into the elevator.
“You’re sure you don’t want to go to the hospital?” Mitch said as they rode down to the lobby.
“I’m sure. Just need to go home and rest for a bit.”
“Of course.”
“I still have some things to finish on the Benson project.”
“We’ll figure it out. The important thing is for you to get better.”
A gray Toyota pulled onto the semicircular driveway in front of the building and Mitch helped guide Doreen into the rear passenger seat.
She opened her eyes. “Thanks for everything Mitch. I really appreciate it.”
“No problem. You just take it easy and don’t worry about anything.”
Doreen managed a slight smile and wondered if Mitch was smiling back as the car slowly pulled away.
There was no way to discern an expression of any kind from the darkened cavity seated beneath the curly mop of sandy blonde hair.
*****
She spoke with Doctor Meyer the next day, but the latest round of tests hadn’t revealed anything out of the ordinary. It was difficult without an official diagnosis, but after some back-and-forth with Human Resources Mitch had managed to get her reclassified as a fully remote worker that could attend any required meetings virtually.
The apartment became her haven and Doreen started wearing sunglasses and keeping her eyes closed whenever possible during outside interactions. In those instances when she did have to look, the world she saw was that of a surrealist painting; previously mundane objects transformed into impossible configurations and an array of interchangeable people that all wore the same blank mask. It felt to Doreen like her home was a raft and everything beyond it was open water with myriad unknown dangers dwelling below the murky surface.
At least she had Sid, her lone companion in this new isolated existence.
“Come here, Sidney,” Doreen said, setting her laptop aside and motioning him over.
Sid stayed where he was on the opposite end of the sofa and when Doreen reached over to grab him he darted away down the hall.
She started after him, but then stopped and made her way over to the bathroom.
Reflected in the mirror above the sink was that same featureless plane she’d seen on all the others. She stared into the abyss of her former visage unsure of how it was possible now that her eyes were gone.
Doreen held her hand in front of the mirror, slowly inching it back into that interior shadow to see how far down those endless inky depths she could reach.
#
Comments