Frank Furtson 8:29 AM
@channel Good morning and Happy Friday to all of you fellow Boinkers! Hope your week’s been a good one.
You don’t typically hear from the Legal department this way, but my reason for doing so is a good one.
First off, the company isn’t being sued. We’re not closing our doors, either. Not yet, anyways lol. If it were, you’d hear about it from Daryl the Dickhead.
No, this is a farewell message.
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Frank Furtson 8:32 AM
@channel Today is my last day at Boink Digital. No doubt some of you are excited to hear about my departure. I get it. One less lawyer to deal with, right? We’re the wet blankets who put the kibosh on everything. No more alcohol in the staff kitchen. No more unauthorized office parties once everyone’s gone home for the night. You have to understand, we’re thinking of the company. It’s all about liability and the bottom line. It’s not about you.
I’m certain I’ve made some of your lives a living hell for being such a legal stick in the mud. I’m not apologizing for it, there were larger forces at play, let me tell you. Forces that your puny minds just couldn’t handle. But I digress.
It’s never been personal, it’s just business. At least for most of you. In my five years working at Boink, I’ve saved the company just over $15M from possible lawsuits and/or legal actions. How many of you can say the same thing? Not many, I’m guessing.
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Frank Furtson 8:36 AM
@channel By this point, you’re probably wondering what’s next for me. Is Frank going to another tech company? Is he sailing around the world on a super yacht? Trust me, it’s nothing that crazy.
In four months, if all goes well, I’ll be opening my all-organic craft brewery. That’s right, I’m going into business for myself. We’re calling it Biotic Brews. I hope to see some of you at our grand opening party. For those of you who’d rather die than see me again in a social setting, I get it.
But enough about me, let’s talk about you. In my time here at Boink, I’ve had the fortune to work with some of the brightest people I’ve ever known. Most of you, though, I don’t know at all and couldn’t remember your names if I had a gun to my head. But that comes with the territory when you’re a highly-paid lawyer with a tech startup, right? Sorry, not sorry.
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Frank Furtson 8:38 AM
@channel Still reading this thread? I hope so, because things are about to get good. Please indulge me for another few moments, as I’d like to call out some of the individuals here at Boink who changed my life in so many ways. I’m indebted to them and would like to express my feelings in front of the entire company. That’s right, I’m putting some of you on the spot.
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To Bill Parsons, CEO:
Bill, you believed in me from the beginning and took a chance on a young lawyer from the corporate world. Look at how far we’ve come. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. I can’t wait to see what you do next with the company.
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To Janice Grimaldi, CFO:
Your business acumen and guidance have helped me in so many ways I’ll never forget. You have been a great mentor and a big reason for this company’s success. I wish you continued good fortune.
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To Carter Thomerson, Director of Product:
Carter, you’re a complete asshole. I’ll never forget the way you tiptoed behind my back and stole my wife. You’ve got some balls on you, you no-good piece of shit. I sincerely hope your dick falls off and Marcie leaves you for some young stud who’s hung like a horse.
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To Amelia Benedetti, VP of Marketing:
Lovely Amelia. Thank you so much for the “lunches” we had in the backseat of my Subaru Outback over at Canyon Creek Park. Steaming up the windows like teenagers was always fun. Your ass is truly beautiful and I’ll never forget our “sexy times” together. I’m hoping our paths will cross again in the near future.
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To Daryl Matthews, Head of Legal:
Daryl the Dickhead. Congratulations, I suppose, on your recent promotion after only being with Boink for two years. It still blows my mind. The position that was rightfully mine. The one that I earned in sweat and blood. Thanks for ripping it out of my grasp, you heartless bastard. You must’ve really sucked up to Bill to get the promotion. That, or you sucked him off repeatedly. There’s a special ring in Hell for guys like you.
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Frank Furtson 8:41 AM
@channel If you’ve read this far, you’re probably thinking “this guy’s got anger management issues.” But not me, no sir. I may have a drinking problem, but emotional intelligence is my middle name. Ask anyone, they’ll tell you. I’m a master at controlling my feelings and dealing with people. I just “get it.”
But beware, it’s not all unicorns and rainbows. My story could easily become yours. Just picture the headline: “Promising young lawyer quits his cushy corporate job to join a tech startup and works so hard he loses his mind, his wife, and his dignity.” But I digress.
For the few folks here who I’ve enjoyed working with, I wish you tons of happiness and pray you never have to go through the same baloney I’ve had to deal with. As for the rest of you, please eat shit and die already, thank you.
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Frank Furtson 8:43 AM
@channel Through my office windows, I can see Dorothy and her HR cronies scrambling my way. She’s probably already called security and told IT to turn off my Slack access, so I’ll say goodbye for now. Remember, every ending is a new beginning. If you like, you can email me at: frankfurterson@gmail.com. If you never want to hear from me again, I get it.
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