Beau Hogan: We have an extra special guest with us today, Jesus of Nazareth. In the flesh. We’ll get to that in a moment. Welcome.
Jesus: Bless you.
Beau Hogan: From you, that means something. I’m sure listeners are wondering if you’re really Jesus. I know our program director checked you out.
Jesus: His name could be Thomas. Like with the first doubter, I flashed him a bit of aura, which stopped him from wanting to put his fingers into the nail holes.
Beau Hogan: Glad for that. Nonetheless, our audience are a bunch of skeptics. Could you do something to prove it’s you?
Jesus: I was accused of being a magician. You can convince all of the people some of the time and some of the people all of the time, but you can’t convince all of the people all of the time.
Beau Hogan: That sounds like a paraphrase of Abe Lincoln.
Jesus: Who do you think gave him that line? The point is, I raised people from the dead, yet I suffered plenty of non-believers. For some, no proof is sufficient.
Beau Hogan: Like the Sanhedrin and the Romans.
Jesus: They were interested in worldly power. and any threat to their authority had to be extinguished. In the twenty-first century, they’re gone and I’m here.
Beau Hogan: Let’s talk about that. You’re not appearing as a spirit but in your corporal form. I thought you ascended into Heaven.
Jesus: I knew the apostles would face some tough trials, including martyrdom, and I had to rely on them proselytizing, often in hostile communities. I staged a big exit to steel their enthusiasm for the future, floating up until I was out of sight.
Beau Hogan: That’s a fascinating revelation. Where has your body been?
Jesus: On Earth. Where would I store a body in Heaven? Doesn’t happen. Plus, I wanted to witness events as they unfolded. I flew over to Rome and made a bet with myself on how long the empire would take to convert to Christianity.
Beau Hogan: How did you keep from being recognized?
Jesus: People noticed the stigmata, but I blamed them on a weird carpentry accident.
Beau Hogan: Did you take up your trade?
Jesus: I faked it. It’s not like I needed money to keep body and soul together. I didn’t age. One of the positive aspects of resurrection.
Beau Hogan: So, what happened?
Jesus: Admittedly, I got bored watching all the crazy cults take hold in Rome, like the Magna Mater and castration for priests.
Beau Hogan: Whoa.
Jesus: Barbaric, until you think about the appropriate worldly punishment for pedophile Catholic priests. After a few hundred years I flashed Constantine the chi rho Christ sign at the Milivan Bridge and ensured his victory. A smart guy, he got the message and converted the empire to Christianity.
Beau Hogan: But he was on his deathbed before he himself was baptized.
Jesus: He hedged his bets. Emperors get their hands dirty. A last-minute conversion targeted to achieve the Kingdom of Heaven.
Beau Hogan: So, there is a Heaven? And a Hell?
[Jesus shifts in his chair but stays quiet.]
Beau Hogan: Heaven features angels singing to the music of harps?
Jesus: More like that wonderful day you wished could be bottled. Feelings of joy and well-being.
Beau Hogan: What do souls do?
Jesus: Self-development and self-expression don’t end just because you’re dead. Think of it as being on a permanent sabbatical. Shakespeare has written some great plays. Euripides continued to get weirder. Chaucer is composing verses you don’t need a gloss every three words to understand. We listen to great music. Like the Righteous Brothers’ verse, we have a hell of a band.
Beau Hogan: You keep up with current music trends?
Jesus: Well, I have that omniscient thing going.
Beau Hogan: Of course. What about Hell? Burning for eternity – really?
Jesus: I liked Dante’s conception, if not his specifics, of a gradient of consequence. Sinners feel the fear and pain they inflicted on others. Infinity is a long time. When egregious predators have paid their dues, I send them into a black hole and don’t bother with them anymore.
Beau Hogan: Wow. Not good to piss you off.
Jesus: I’d use different words.
Beau Hogan: I want to point out to our listening audience that Jesus looks like modern depictions with long hair and beard.
Jesus: [chuckling] Actually, both the beard and hair are false. People have an expectation, and I didn’t want to disappoint. I travel incognito, which is another reason for me to disguise myself for this broadcast.
Beau Hogan: Why have you revealed yourself now?
Jesus: My first inkling that I needed to step forward came after I saw the musical Jesus Christ Superstar. By the way, Ben Vereen’s performance as Judas was incredible, asking why I came in such a backward time with no mass communication. I began to preach outside a Greenwich Village Café and a guy offered me a joint. Told me people weren’t ready.
Beau Hogan: Interesting. But obviously, you changed your mind.
Jesus: When the Kardashians became a hit reality show I realized how empty people’s lives had become and decided I had to come forward. Humans need to believe in something bigger than themselves.
Beau Hogan: Will we be hearing a lot more from you?
Jesus: I decided to appear on your show because of the reach of your podcast. But this will be my only public appearance, perhaps for quite a while.
Beau Hogan: I’m honored. C.S. Lewis famously said that the only possible conclusions about you were that you were either liar, lunatic or Lord. What do you say to doubters?
Jesus: Free will permits everyone to draw their own conclusions. My message is simple. Regardless of your belief system, strive to live a virtuous life.
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