1.) Wake up. It is important to first wake up. Set your alarm for 4:59 a.m., but wake up at 4:58 a.m. This will establish your dominance vis-a-vis your alarm, and so you will wake up feeling like a strong, independent individual right off the bat. When you wake up, open your eyes. After you open your eyes, shout, "I'm awake bitches!" as loud as you can. Then twist your body violently so you fall out of bed and land on the floor in a push-up position. Do seven to eight push-ups. Stand up and say, "I'm an independent and dominant individual."
Brush your teeth using toothpaste with fluoride in it. Put water on your body and then put soap on your body and then put water on your body and then wipe off the water with a material of your choice. Put on clothes, look in the mirror, and say, "I'm an independent and dominant individual." If you have a dog, pick up its food bowl and say, "I'm an independent and dominant individual," and then put its food bowl back down. If you have a cat, throw it out. Cats will never consider you a dominant individual and so they will just lower your self-esteem over time. If you have a cat, place it lightly in the trash.
2.) Now that you’ve established dominance, it's time to attend to your body's needs. Go to Trader Joe's. Grab a cart. Push the cart and put things into it. Put only brown or green things into the cart. Brown or green things such as broccoli, such as peas, such as potatoes. This will keep your body slender and strong. Put about fifteen brown or green things into the cart. Do NOT put in any tomatoes (regardless of whether they still have some green). We will be buying our tomatoes elsewhere, for reasons that will become evident in time. I’m holding back the information on the tomatoes for now for tension-building purposes. Who knows what’s up with this tomato situation? Keep this as a lesson: Add mystery and intrigue to your life wherever possible by withholding minor details of it from your friends and family. If your parents ask how your weekend was, tell them you will let them know in one year.
Push your cart to the checkout person. Now that you’re interacting with another human being, it's time to shift from an independent mindset to a loving-kindness mindset. When the checkout person asks how you are, say, "I am a loving person." While they put your food into bags, compliment them in various ways. Say things like, "Wonderful form!" and "Great bagging!" and “Oh yeah, oh wow, oh yes, that’s right on!” For even better results, you could adjust your comments for gender. If the bag-person is a man, you could say, “Looks like you’ve been working out!” If the bag-person is a woman, you could say, “Thatta girl!” If the bag person is non-binary, you could say, “Go get 'em, tiger!” This will make the bag-person experience feelings of Gratefulness and Warmth. They may even thank you directly. If they do, it is important to stay humble. Humbleness is essential for living a properly fulfilled life. To be humble, reply to their thank you with something like, “Oh no, oh no, I’m just a normal person, haha, oh no, I’m nothing special like you say, not an angel, haha, just a normal being.”
3.) Back at home, grab a packet of sugar substitute. Pour a few grains of sugar substitute into your palm. Lick your palm. Note how it tastes.
Then look at your phone and get mad at something on your phone. This can be a news event, a text from an estranged family member, or a social media post from a stranger you disagree with; you’re even free to get mad at the phone itself for opening up applications too slowly. Just get angry at something on your phone. It’s important to feel the full spectrum of emotion in this life. You cannot understand the good without the bad. This exercise will allow you to experience the bad in a controlled and productive manner. Once you’re nice and angry, turn off your phone and put it in a corner. Spit at your phone until it's covered in a thick mound of saliva and call it names. For example, “Silicon bitch.” Flick your phone with your finger; this, considering its size, will be a pretty devastating blow. Tell your phone to think about what it's done.
Now that you've experienced a bad emotion like anger, grab the packet of sugar substitute again. Pour another few grains of sugar substitute into your palm. Lick your palm. The sugar substitute will now taste approximately 250% better.
4.) No life can be completely fulfilled without a friend and/or lover. But how to find one? Simple. Go to a medium to large-sized park. Look around for a person you would like to be friends and/or lovers with. Take a look at their attributes. These can be things like cool hats, or rockin’ sneaks. Or even, how their face looks. Once you spot someone you like, pick up a stick and throw it at them. Make sure to throw it at their back. Then run up and say you saw who threw the stick at them, but that you chased the assailant away. The victim will be profuse in their gratitude. If you want to be their friend, respond, “It was nothing. Just a friendly little act.” The use of “friendly” in your statement will subconsciously plant the idea in their mind that you will become great friends. If you want to be their lover, respond, “It was nothing. Just wanted to help someone out on such a lovely day.” Subconsciously, the person will now be brimming with sexual desire. Tell them you’d love to get their number, but unfortunately you’ve left your cell in a corner of your home, drenched in spittle. Invite them over to see it.
5.) On the way, approach a fruit and vegetable vendor with your potential friend or lover. Yes, it’s tomato time! Shake the hand of the fruit and vegetable vendor. Say something completely random to the fruit and vegetable vendor, something like, “Two lakes don’t make a brick, saw them today, no cap,” and laugh. To your potential friend or lover watching, this will make it seem like you are a super sociable person who has inside jokes with all the local fruit and vegetable vendors. Then say, “I would like to buy a tomato.” Buy one firm, plump, red tomato. Turn to your potential friend or lover and show them your prize. Even if they don’t externalize it, inside they will be extremely impressed.
6.) Enter your kitchen with your potential friend or lover.
For a potential friend, make a delicious tomato salad with the tomato. While making the salad, recite some movie quotes. For example, you could say, “You're gonna need a bigger boat,” or “Open the pod bay doors, HAL." People love it when someone can recite movie quotes. It shows the quoter to be a fun-loving and cultured person. Bonus points if you can say the line in the same accent or inflection as the actor! Eat the tomato salad with your potential friend and play different board games based on their likes and dislikes. For example, if your potential friend is a money-hoarding psychopath, play Monopoly. Or, if they really like ladders—steel ladders, plastic ladders, all types of ladders—play Chutes and Ladders! By the end of the fourth or fifth game, you will find that your potential friend is now just a friend. Turn on your phone and make them punch numbers and letters into it.
For a potential lover, do NOT make tomato salad. Instead, on entering the kitchen, ask your potential lover if they would be more comfortable with their clothes off. Explain that your home is a clothes-free—no judgment—zone, and it is totally fine with you if they'd prefer to go clothesless. If they’re shy, explain that it’s really no big thing, and take off your shirt to make them feel welcome to do the same. Your potential lover will now feel Supported and Secure. Once you're both naked, say, “Well, since our clothes are already off, any chance you’d want to make love?” Your potential lover will respond “Yes” before you can even finish the sentence. After you receive their consent (remember, consent is sexy!), tell them to lie down on the floor. Cut the tomato into bite-sized chunks and place the chunks at diverse points on their body. Enter a sexual/romantic mindset. Stand above your potential lover and concentrate. If they ask what you’re doing, say, “I am trying to enter a sexual/romantic mindset.” You will know you’ve entered the mindset once your groin area develops a thin film of perspiration. When this happens, begin to slurp the tomato chunks off your potential lover's body. Save the last slurp for the tomato chunk(s) you placed on their genitalia. Then slurp their genitalia itself. Rub your genitalia—with proper protection!!!!!!!!!!!!!—against/in/around their genitalia in traditional and novel ways. In this matter, it’s important to be well-read in both the latest issues of Cosmopolitan and Hustler, as well as to have an ear to the streets. Your potential lover will now just be your lover! Give them a little kiss on the cheek and say a movie quote. “It's alive! It's alive!"
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