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"i love this shit", "john's wager", and "the cam girl from hell" by Adam Johnson

i love this shit


holiday inn

throwback

red wine in plastic cups

from a screw top bottle advertised as staff’s pick

the place smells 80s/90s ancient

pool

arcade

sandpaper towels

a ping pong table

old bins

carpet

we swim

pool, print

wax, wane

the ping of tokens

yawns

we’re tired from the drive

so we call it

dad is tipping over in the hall

he stumbles, finds key, fades

in the room he’s crumbling

but he hits wine

second winds himself

he showers

pulls curtain, stares

he finds a hidden camera in the bathroom

it is up in the ceiling fan

but he’s so drunk and melancholic

that he just starts dancing for it


a week later he gets into his cups

he gets cross at the memory of it all

calls the hotel, complains, fits

they check the room

the camera is gone

dad throws a tantrum on the phone

drives the three hours out,

swears oaths

wants to see the room

they oblige

he tears the room apart

he is savage

he is impaired

he chokes out a staff member

up against a mirror

the one who got sarcastic on him

now dad is in jail for the weekend +

dad swears it was all justified

he asks us to put money on his books

he's whiney on his collect calls

there's background noise

he's hurried, short

he wants money for the commissary

he wants a chocolate bar

he doesn't say i love you



john's wager


john tried to do something

or somethings to his ex-wife

without consent

he was all into his cups, bloodshot,

scavenging, pedaling


she was passed out

in a string hammock out back

the back of the house

where he used to pay a mortgage on and what

he showed up on his mountain bike

and found her back theres abouts


he wunt no dexterous cat and the like

he got all tangled up in the netting

when he jumped her

struggling, entwining and such


then the neighbors' motion

sensored lights went on and all

john was on three different ring cameras

all celebrated on screens of a fashion


his ex worked up, woke, waken

shifted, screamed, flinched

bitched a blue streak

clawed...


cops came

they got him on his mountain bike

about a half mile off

handcuffs, squad scene, lightings

of a red and blue quantity much


so anyways he went to trials all done up

and the trials went as they will

john was remanded to the

commissioner of corrections

dutifully and with no pomp

shaking his head like all half innocents



the cam girl from hell


she rolls soft damper pad bills

jenny that is, hard knuckles, the look

the gentlemen will take a chance

she don't know from nothing

no place

one of her special jon's pops in

harry

harry he pays an extra grand

every two months

special access, and some

chat sessions

rolls up his sleeves, king-snipe, all in, see

he's hooked

jenny tells him he's special

he is cause he pays

he knows it

but he's also deluded

jenny wants to make a buck

she offers harry a lock

of her pubic hair, red ribbon, the

old routine...

it's something he has been after

something he begged for

she agrees but wants two grand for it

harry agrees, it's a boodle,

but he immediately drops a paypal

three weeks hence he gets a bag in the mail

a bunch of loose clippings,

no ribbon, not even perfumed

harry goes incognito in a group forum

under the name "rug merchant"

jenny's bragging about the heist

and how stupid harry is

harry finds out that she sent him

a bag of old hair her friend

scooped up from the floor

in a great clips she works at

harry gets two grand in cash from

his little fire-proof safe

and buys a gun the next day

harry drives out to LA

to try and find jenny

he ain't ever shot a gun but

he's certain he can find her

he tries all kinds of ploys

to lure her out into society

he thinks he knows the score

he starts to think he'll see her in the streets

but he tosses in the towel after two weeks

he pawns the gun he bought

and goes back to his wife and kids

he still subscribes to jenny

he can't stop

harry is in love

he calls jenny his

cam girl from hell




Adam Johnson lives in Minnesota. His forthcoming poetry collection, What Are You Doing Out Here Alone, Away From Everyone? will be released through HASH Press in December, 2021.


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