irreconcilable breakdown
my wife told me to take a bath
then she handed me a folding knife
and told me to do it right this time
you see two years ago i tried
to hang myself in the garage
but my belt from Marshall's broke
and she had to take me to the ER
i fractured my C-2 when i fell from the beam
since then she has openly cuckolded me
our youngest just went off to college
my wife is living with her boyfriend
she's just here to grab some things
and run a bath for me
she said she needs her passport
and my mastercard
she and what's his name are
going to turks and caicos
the falling out between Kaye Swiss, Esq.
and the Knights of Columbus
Kaye Swiss stopped off at the outback
steakhouse
across the street from the mall of america
and perked up his ears
as per his wont
he was thinking of a little rum drink
and the prospect of his giza dream
sheets from my pillow
well he decided to stay for a sixth
rum and coke
and he picked up on a conversation
across the bar most discrete and the like
there was a group from the Knights of Columbus
they were in a conversation most confidential
so Kaye was naturally inclined to listen in
about a possible retainer, &c.
to do so he thought it most apropos to
order himself a little white russian nightcap, &c.
well one of the knights had a gimlet eye
and picked up on Kaye, see
he could spot an ambulance chaser from
10 miles off
so he told his crew to go all sotto voce and
the fucking like lest
Kaye gets wind of their business, &c.
well you should know
if you don't already
that Kaye was born with a most apropos
gimlet eye himself
and his eye didn't just twitch
it twerked all beside itself
Kaye drew up near the group of knights
where he naturally asked pardon
or asked that he be given leave
something technical with
a touch of ipse dixit and a dash
of the retort courteous, see
Kaye naturally said he knew a good
lawyer in town, the one who offices
next to The Buckle and enjoys
his orange julius and brandy, &c.
well so Kaye pulled out his
business cards and his
pocket edition of poor richard's almanac
and went to town on the knights
by reading them a little passage
he went on for about a half hour
and the knights were all polite
on account of a good breeding and
manners attendant upon their rank and file
but at the end of Kaye's little soapy-eyed speech
and his quotations from the Constitution as he sees it
and some other ramblings that revealed
not a smidge but a smudge of dutch courage and such
it was then &c. that Kaye dropped the bill
for his services, not a paid invoice
but from his lips
$175 for the half hour of blarney, dig
well, that didn't sit well with the knights
not as they saw it and such and
who boycotted the payment &c. while ordering wings &c.
they folded their arms in true style
and told Kaye he wouldn't get so much as a wagon wheel
(which Kaye took as a silver dollar insult)
they stood on ceremony to the point
where Kaye exploded on them,
called them all father fuckers from squaresville
and set off three smoke bombs all tri-colored
right there in the outback steakhouse
in order to make his usual exit and the like
the bartender asked after the knights
to try and square the beef
but all they knew was that some most
psychopathic counselor-at-law, esq. and the like
made yackety-yack and beat it
a faint pleading legal beagle,
his crumpled suit reeking of an otto of brandy and julius
collar stays in the shapes of stalagmites and
cuff links by K Swiss
jaundiced eyeballs aching in yellow shades
veiny, trembling hands, bloodshot crosses
a scar from here to there, he was
the lawyer with the teardrop tattoo
magic dancing
john had kids, 4, 6, and 7
he was redoing the main bath himself
he was changing out the light switches
he forgot to turn the breakers off
john got a good zap that sent him spinning
and swearing
his heart felt like it was going to explode
his whole body was trembling
he got pissed and ran to the fridge
for drinks
he got there, and started chugging beers
he polished off eight beers in a row
it was the time dad got electrocuted
and drank his ass off
but the kids only knew it as "the
time dad got struck by magic
and danced to tell the refrigerator."
friday morning, march
blaring "day O" by harry belafonte to
try and smoke my wife
out from under the covers
i have the speakers set up
at the bottom of the stairs
and aimed up at the bedroom
it's my opening shot
in the dog days of our private war
christ, what battles will there be today?
what hills will i die on?
maybe today she'll get a lawyer
while i'm at work
things have gone down hill
thanks god we don't have kids
i'm ready to move on
i think
i'll go back to my stag days
where all of my friends were
women who were older
and fatter
and drunker than me
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