"Men’s Freestyle Flâneur Semifinals" by Jon Wesick

Welcome to the men’s freestyle flâneur semifinals where two of today’s six competitors will go on to the finals. Flâneur’s tradition goes back to Baudelaire, who coined the term for a dilettante urban wanderer. 

At the sound of the 9:00 AM buzzer, German Helmut Kriegsmesser is out the door with a compass, topographic map and guidebook. Despite his early start, there’s already a line to buy tickets to the Notre Dame Cathedral. Kriegsmesser looks at the map to decide whether to wait or come back later. Oh, he’s staying!

America’s George Shumway has gotten off to a bad start by booking a hotel far from city center. He’s lost in the warehouse district. Can he come back from this far behind? In a bold move, Brazil’s Paulo Feijoada sits at an outdoor café with an espresso and almond croissant. This is his first competition since recovering from fallen arches. He’s eager to medal after Hideki Umami edged him out of the bronze in 2020.

Canada’s Gary Poutine is dogging Kriegsmesser’s heels. The German’s twelve-minute lead has evaporated in the ticket line. At just twenty-years-of-age, Poutine is today’s youngest competitor, but youth will not handicap him because the drinking age here is eighteen.

Having stopped for a churro, Mexico’s Guillermo Choripan is close behind. A kimchee fried rice or Turkish çilbir would have netted him more points, but judges score breakfast lighter than other meals.

is back in the race. He’s found a subway station and is struggling with the door. Wait! Someone’s opening it. Shumway’s inside! He’s deciphering the ticket machine. He’s taking out his credit card. Shumway is on his way!

France’s Claude Cassoulet sets off in style with a diamond-tipped walking stick. You can’t talk flâneur without mentioning Cassoulet. Two-time winner of Olympic gold and six-time winner of the World Cup, this is likely to be his last competition, and he’s going out in style.

is in and out of the cathedral in just twenty seconds leaving Poutine and Choripan behind to admire the stained-glass windows. Poutine is out. Choripan remains inside looking at the confession booths as if he has something to get off his chest. Feijoada is still at the outdoor café.

Shumway exits the subway and spots a McDonalds. He’s heading inside. A twenty-point penalty for Shumway! Wait. Shumway’s using the bathroom. He’s leaving without buying anything. Great move for Shumway.

Cassoulet stops outside a hat shop. He’s going in, looking at Panama hats. He’s talking to the clerk. Cassoulet leaves wearing a Panama hat. Man, the guy’s got style!

Feijoada motions to the waiter. This could be his move. No, he just ordered another espresso.

is sprinting through the old city. He’s turning left toward the port. Poutine has stopped in the square by the cathedral. He’s listening to a guitarist playing cover tunes and doesn’t look like he’s going anywhere soon. 

Cassoulet is gesturing to a police officer and pointing to a large chessboard painted on the pavement. They’re playing, the policeman as white and Cassoulet as black. Rather than moving the knee-high pieces, Cassoulet points with his cane and a boy he hired moves them for him. 

Choripan is out of the church. He’s looking in an ice cream shop window. Oh! He’s walking away! Judges will take ten points off for that. But wait! A stray dog has adopted Choripan. He’s going back to the ice cream shop. He’s buying the dog an ice cream cone.

Feijoada is getting up. He’s making his move for real this time! And he moves his chair into the shade. A bold strategy for Feijoada.

Oh no! Back at the chess game, Cassoulet missed a fork that could have taken white’s rook. White’s pushing his pawn and promoting it to queen. Cassoulet resigns.

Shumway made it to Chinatown. He’s looking at a bakery. He enters and comes out with a sesame ball and egg custard. Now he’s in a tea shop. He passes up prepackaged boxes to sniff loose-leaf tea in the bins. The clerk asks if he wants to try some jasmine tea. Shumway refuses! He’s buying Iron Goddess oolong! There’s no stopping him! Shumway’s on a roll! He found a produce store and he’s buying a bag of mangosteens, the best fruit in the entire world! The fans are on their feet! It’s pandemonium.

The buzzer sounds and the judges have made their decisions! Shumway and Feijoada are going to the finals! 

Jon Wesick has written over a million words in poems, short stories, and novels. Hundreds of his works have appeared in journals such as the I-70 Review, New Verse News, Paterson Literary Review, and Unlikely Stories Mark V. He is a regional editor of the San Diego Poetry Annual and host of the Gelato East Fiction Open Mic. His latest book, Reductio Ad Absurdum, is a collection of parodies. He lives in Manchester, New Hampshire and longs for gene editing to bring giant wombats back from extinction. http://jonwesick.com