A freshly cut rose stood between the smiling couple, droplets of water clinging to its rigid stem. They reached across the corner table and held hands under candlelight. Jazz floated through the restaurant as if blown by a breeze. Windows yawned open. Curtains billowed. Smiles filled the room.
The host looked on. How long this couple had been together was unclear. He and colleagues had grown fond of gauging patrons’ affection – imagining the relationships of diners as they gazed, smiled, talked, and chewed.
It was a romantic scene, and this couple fit right in. As the date progressed from stuffed grape leaves to risottos and wine, their affection grew. Eye contact, made. Gazes, caught. Smiles, shared. Kisses, given – more than once. The host watched all this closely, closer than he ever had before.
The couple wore clothes that suggested uncertainty around what the other would end up wearing. Formal yet fun. Sexy yet safe. A giddy, carefree romance surrounded them – the kind the host felt was common early in relationships. That puppy love. That thrill. He sighed, smiling then frowning, ashamed of having written off their affection as new. Could it simply be mature? Thriving? Enduring? True? The host couldn’t say but believed one thing: these two were eager to find love and were not yet sure they had done so.
They were the perfect target.
The date progressed to after-dinner drinks. For her, an espresso martini. For him, a negroni. Watching them, the host saw excitement, passion, ritual, hope. He saw the never-ending journey of courtship and the insurmountable cliff of desire. His judgment had by now, four kisses into this date, been made. He nodded to a colleague nearby who was already moving into position.
On the couple’s way out, the host and colleague made their moves; him to the man, his colleague to the woman.
“Sorry, sir? Yes, can I pull you aside? I will just be a minute of your time.” The host smiled with an upturned palm that glided across his body – a perfectly executed gentle beckon.
The two men moved to a hanging pair of velvet curtains while the woman followed the colleague to a seating area near the bar. “Thanks. I know you’re just leaving,” said the host. “We appreciate you joining us tonight. Did you enjoy your time?”
“Yes, yes, a nice evening. Thanks.” said the man.
“That’s fantastic. It seemed that way. I want to let you know about a new, confidential service we’re offering to a select group of customers. After seeing your date tonight, I knew you had to hear about it.”
“I appreciate it, but we really do need to g-“
“Kissing, sir. Kissing.” The host spoke in a tone both matter of fact and firm. “It is kissing that triggers the system.”
The man had begun to turn away and stopped mid-turn. This left him in an awkward stance like an action figure with its upper body twisted to the side. “Sorry, what about…what system?”
The host smiled and leaned forward. His eyes darted slyly from left to right.
“This room is equipped with a state-of-the-art camera system,” whispered the host. “The highest tech out there. Ostensibly for security purposes, our cameras kick on whenever two unique pairs of human lips touch. We have nine cameras strategically positioned around the dining area to ensure all context is captured.”
The man glanced over his shoulder and turned back, looking hard into the eyes of the host. “Sir, I…is this a joke? I really should be go-“
“Instant replay. Post-date analysis. For a modest fee, we can provide access to all…” the host checked the iPad on the lectern “Four kisses from your date tonight.” He grinned. The jazz continued, surrounding them. “Our recordings include the 10 seconds before and after. How did you get there, and where did it take you? Our footage can tell you. Think of it like a rollercoaster cam.”
“I…um. You recorded us? I don’t know,” said the man. He looked across the room at his date, who seemed in deep concentration as another staff member spoke, gesturing at something unseen.
“And how could you?” said the host. “You haven’t seen the footage. That’s the point. Once you see, you’ll know.” The host clasped his hands in front of his belly. The man looked ready to leave.
“You’re in a hurry,” said the host. “How about this: think on it. Take this card and enjoy your evening. If the mood strikes you, call the number. We can talk details.” A wide smile. A raised set of eyebrows. “And one more thing; let’s keep this conversation between us.”
***
The host’s phone rang at around 3 p.m. the following afternoon.
“Hi, yes, I believe you gave me a card last night on the way out of dinner?”
The host leaned back and smiled. “Say no more. I’m glad you called.”
“I just…oh, sorry.”
“What?”
“You said say no more.”
“Oh. That was figurative. Say more.”
“…More”
“What?”
“…What?”
“Oh… I mean, speak freely.”
“Oh, sorry. Well, I don’t understand exactly what it is you’re offering me. I actually don’t know why I called,” the man trailed off.
“I know exactly why you called. To know. To analyze. The opportunity to see your past moments of desire, examine them, celebrate them, and improve upon them? It doesn’t come around every day. Think of pro athletes watching game tape. This is exactly the same.”
“I see...”
“I can tell that you do. Analysis of past performance is the foundation on which excellence stands! We’re extending that strategy toward relationships and romance. It’s a logical step towards being sure. Will you take it with us?”
The man agreed to come by the restaurant and have a look – no commitment required. When he arrived, the host led him down a dark set of stairs into an office with very bright lighting and a wall of nine screens.
“Thanks for coming,” said the host. “Let me begin with our pricing.” The host pulled a rose and a red folder from a drawer. He placed the rose in a small vase on an otherwise empty desk.
“A one-date Kiss Review Base Package runs $30 per kiss, $150 max. A Three-Date Package, redeemable over two years, comes in at a discounted $20 per kiss. These both include 30 minutes of video analysis with a staff member per date. And for the add-on Rendezvous Recap option, add $100 total.”
“Rendezvous Recap?”
“That’s right.” The host nodded over his shoulder as he arranged camera angles. “An add-on to the Kiss Review Base Package, the Rendezvous Recap includes analysis by staff currently in loving, romance-filled relationships who watch date after date after date. Recaps include notes on inflection points, objective reads of body language, and forward-looking advice on things like eating politely, eye contact and flirtatious smiling. These are folks in love right now, who have an understanding of how to not only build it but retain it.”
“You said the footage covers before and after?” The man’s tone had shifted. Business-like.
“10-seconds on each side,” said the host. “We find that to be more than enough time to understand context; think leans, words, tones of voice, facial expressions… let’s pull up what we have.” He swiveled and pressed a few keys.
The TVs lit up with a black and white video of early in the date on pause. The frozen scene showed the man reaching his hand out to hers and leaning in suggestively. Her eyebrows were raised in a playful manner. The faintest of smiles hid on the edges of her lips.
The man squinted. He looked at the screen deeply. The host gestured with an open hand and spoke in a low, almost revered tone. “Your first kiss.”
The man spoke firmly. “Press play.”
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