Kyle was a driven man insofar as he was driven places by his mother. But he was also driven by dreams of fame and fortune—which he hoped to obtain with minimal effort. This led him to attend the Jerry Rollins Ultimate Power and Success Workshop.
The daylong event kicked off when Rollins, a huge, lantern-jawed man with a headset microphone, burst out from the wings of the small stage and began high-fiving people. Kyle was enthralled. It was just like the infomercial he'd seen two weeks earlier.
"How are y'all doin'?" Rollins asked. "Are you excited?" The crowd roared. "Well, you should be because this is going to be a life-changing day."
As the audience at the Convention Centre settled down, he pulled up a stool.
"Now, I know you're all eager to grab life by the tail, but first, let's talk about being poor. Trust me—I know all about it. My whole family used to lie in a gutter all day. We thought resources were scarce, but we were wrong. Scarcity is just a mental construct that, if you think about it too much, can become a roadblock to success." He stood up again. "You see, it's not resources that matter, it's resourcefulness—as Abraham Lincoln would no doubt have said if he had thought of it."
Kyle noticed that the woman next to him was taking notes.
"All wealth begins in the mind. That means before you can be rich, you need to feel rich. Think of how money smells. Visualize it coming toward you. Then, as soon as you're ready, prosperity and abundance will start flowing into your life."
Kyle felt more than ready. He was getting impatient.
About twenty minutes into the presentation, Rollins said it was "time for a little one-on-one," asking for a volunteer from the audience.
From the front row came a small man with sunken eyes and a t-shirt displaying the words 'Show Me the Money!' in giant letters. He told Rollins his name was Garth.
"What brings you here, Garth?"
"Um...I want money," Garth replied softly.
"He wants money!" Rollins repeated to the crowd. "Everybody does. But let me tell you something, Garth: money wants you too. It loves you. It's trying to find a way into your wallet and your bank account so it can be with you. If you want money, then you've got to shout it out from the rooftops. Let the universe know you want money. Say, 'I want money!' Say it, Garth."
"I want money."
"Say it louder!" After Garth said it louder, Rollins turned to the audience with his arms outstretched. "Everybody say it."
From twenty-five rows back, Kyle surprised himself by joining the chorus.
"All right. Now we've put it out there," said Rollins as Garth returned to his seat. "This whole group wants money. So, what's next? Well, you need to decide what you want the money for. What are your dreams? I want you to divide into groups of three or four. Just pick the people sitting around you. Introduce yourselves. Find out what makes your neighbors tick and what their goals are. Share your dreams. And I'll be back here in fifteen minutes to tell you how to instantly make them a reality." Rollins was handed a water bottle as he walked off stage to thunderous applause.
Kyle always felt awkward meeting new people. To his right was an empty seat. To his left was a woman in camouflage leggings with tattoos and a nose ring. This was in stark contrast to Kyle, who, wanting to appear upwardly mobile in an understated way, wore a Lacoste shirt with a sweater tied around his shoulders and sunglasses perched on his forehead.
Before he could change seats, his neighbor turned to face him.
"Sup, my friend?" she said. "I'm Amy."
Kyle barely had time to introduce himself before the two were interrupted.
"Hey, guys," said a young woman leaning over from the row behind them. The newcomer had long, stringy hair and braces and wore a faded 'Jerry Rollins World Conquest Tour' t-shirt. Her name was Beth. She said that she'd quit school to follow her dream of becoming "an influencer who motivates people to live their best life."
Amy told Kyle and Beth that her goal was to "take my current work as an entrepreneur to a global level." She was selling press-on nails painted in colorful designs. They weren't her own designs; rather, she bought them in bulk from the Philippines and kept them in her cousin's garage. "If I can just get Jerry to endorse them, that'd be huge. He doesn't even have to wear them or anything." She handed business cards to Kyle and Beth.
"I'm an entrepreneur too," said Beth. "Right now, I'm a distributor of Futura Health and Wellness Supplements." She passed out business cards of her own. "Networking is key. Every day I try to make eight new contacts. It helps that I'm in the Young Conservatives."
"I was a skinhead once," said Amy. "They're kinda the same in a way."
Kyle didn't know much about skinheads but wondered if he, too, should join some sort of group. "Do the skinheads hold interviews, or is it just a matter of filling out an application?"
Amy laughed. "Well, they'd hardly take you looking like a young Pat Sajak. No offense."
"Okay, but I want to know I'm accepted before I get a funny haircut."
"Dude—you should totally join a cult," said Amy. "Go the whole nine yards. I know Jerry Rollins has fanatical followers, but this isn't a cult per see."
"What do you mean 'not a cult per se'"?
"I mean, nobody's bowing down to him or stockpiling firearms in a compound. Trust me, cults can get pretty wild."
Kyle sighed. "I guess all I really want is unlimited money and power."
"Then join the Young Conservatives!" said Beth. "You'd fit right in. You're an entrepreneur, right?"
"In a sense," said Kyle. The sense being that he identified in spirit with capitalist tycoon-types, though he hadn't done any actual work since he finished high school two years earlier.
He pictured himself a few years down the road on 'Shark Tank'—not as someone making a pitch, but as one of the rich people passing judgment. Kyle also envisioned himself as someone who had his guests announced by a footman, then greeted them by spinning around in a high-backed swivel chair like a Bond villain.
His reverie ended when music and lights signaled Rollins' return to the stage.
"Hey, gang, did you miss me?" asked Rollins with a chuckle. "I hope now that you've got to know your neighbors, you'll be able to draw strength from them in your journey."
Kyle shuddered.
"Okay, so now that you've all had a chance to think about your dreams, how would you like to make them come true—just like that?" He snapped his fingers. "All right, consider this: it's not a dream—it's a plan!" There were some gasps from the audience. Amy wrote it down. "Now, who wants to get in on the ground floor of something big? I mean, really big. Anyone?"
All hands shot up.
"A few of you," said Rollins, grinning. "Well, good news! Just being here today means you're already on the ground floor. Time to take it to the next level."
He began a PowerPoint presentation. "Long, long ago, back in the 1970s, people used to talk about 'Pyramid Power.' It was all about harnessing the wisdom of the ancients to bring about prosperity. Physicists tell us that the power of the Great Pyramid of Cheops is one thousand times greater than the power coming out of Hoover Dam—only nobody's figured out how to harness it. Until now."
He paced and gestured broadly as he spoke. "At last we've found a way to unlock the power of pyramids, enabling you to achieve Total Ultimate Success Instantly. This is the real deal, folks! Don't be fooled by imitations. We're selling shares in a virtual pyramid, and I'm giving you a chance to move to the next level—up with all the wealthiest, most successful people on the planet. Best of all, you don't have to leave your family and loved ones behind. If you recruit them, you get points, and whoever has the most points at the end of each month has a chance to move up to the third level absolutely free. Basically a 'win-win' situation.
"Plus, if you come up to the second level of the pyramid, you'll get extra perks like an NFT of a pyramid, which is yours to keep, and the possibility of speaking to me directly."
He stopped pacing and lowered his voice, adding gravitas to what followed. "Now, I promised you a big surprise, and this is it: in just a few minutes, we'll take a short bus ride to The Great Beyond, where we'll meet Muldor, a powerful mystic steeped in the wisdom of the ages. Muldor will make mind-blowing prophecies and reveal the astounding truth at the core of all human existence—as soon as your payment of sixty dollars has been confirmed. But you can pay on the bus. Sound good? Don't do it for me; do it for you—because you deserve it."
Kyle had hoped that the 'big surprise' would be a handful of cash, not additional charges.
"You'll get lunch on the bus, and after everyone drinks the Kool-Aid, we'll walk on fire. I don't mean that literally; it's not Kool-Aid, it's Sprite. Kool-Aid is just a figure of speech. But we'll literally walk on hot coals, protected by the power of the mind, as outlined in my book Total Self-Mastery. Talk about life-changing! If you can walk on fire, brothers and sisters, you can do anything!"
The crowd cheered.
"When we return, I'll unlock the secret to making your dreams come true instantly and effortlessly. But first things first. Buses are waiting to whisk you away. So, c'mon, gang—your destiny awaits!"
The theme from 'Rocky' played as Rollins left the stage. The house lights went up.
"You heard the man, Kyle," said Amy, rising to her feet and swinging her backpack to her shoulders.
Kyle resented being charged an additional sixty dollars. It didn't seem right. Besides, he wasn't interested in seeing some old man with a long white beard and a book of spells. "I think I'll sit this one out. I'm not really into sword and sorcery stuff."
"But what about the firewalking?" said Beth. "You don't want to miss that." But Kyle did want to miss it. He liked avoiding danger and uncertainty—which, after all, was part of the appeal of living in his parents' basement.
"I'm just going to wait for Jerry to come back and unlock the secret to making my dreams come true instantly and effortlessly."
"Suit yourself," said Amy. "We're off to The Great Beyond."
For a while, Kyle remained in his seat. He'd assumed a lot of people would skip Muldor and the firewalking, yet the whole audience seemed to be pouring out the doors. Maybe some were just going for a lunch break—something he hadn't given much thought.
The only person left onstage was a technician employed by the venue who was winding up an electric cable.
A frowning guy in a tie-dyed shirt and a headband now entered the lecture hall and stepped smartly up to the front of the stage. "Don't tell me Jerry's gone," he said.
"He left five minutes ago," said the technician. "I think he took off in his helicopter as soon as people got on the buses."
"Isn't that typical?" The guy explained that he'd been in charge of preparing the coals for the fire walk portion of the event and had rushed away from his post upon learning how Rollins was going to pay him. "Who'd have thought he'd be using cryptocurrency? It's not even Bitcoin—it's Bitcoin Blue. What the hell is that? We had a contract."
"You're not the only one, trust me," said the technician, shaking his head. "This guy's a real smooth operator."
"Yeah? Well, if he wants to play games, fine. He can go right ahead. And I'll see him in court."
Kyle was only hearing snippets of the conversation, but uncomfortable with eavesdropping, he got up and left.
From the lecture hall, he went down a corridor in search of a vending machine, hardly seeing a soul.
Stepping out a side door, he pulled out his phone. No messages. He checked Twitter under hashtags '#rollinsworkshop' and '#easymoney.' Nothing was happening.
He tweeted, 'Where did everybody go? #rollinsworkshop,'
The Convention Centre was on the outskirts of town, without much nearby. To kill time, Kyle started walking a narrow sidewalk toward the back of the building. It wasn't long before the sidewalk ended, and he found himself on a rough path amid trees and tall grass. Rounding a corner, he came to a sunlit meadow full of tall grasses, dandelions, and tangled weeds, on the far side of which stood a row of two-story suburban homes. He stopped and took a deep breath, leaning back against the wall. A small flock of eastern bluebirds fluttered past, one stopping to drink from a puddle near Kyle's feet.
He'd never felt much connection with nature and didn't know how to respond. What would Jerry Rollins do? There was no possibility of getting money from the bird, but surely there was something he could do to turn the situation to his advantage. 'It's not resources that matter, it's resourcefulness,' he reminded himself.
Slowly extending his right arm, he attempted to subjugate the bird using the power of his mind, such that it would be compelled to perch like a parakeet on his extended forefinger. Despite twenty seconds of staring at it and concentrating intently, the bird flew off, disappearing among the wildflowers. Clearly, the creature didn't recognize human authority. Score one for the bluebird. Despite its lack of money, no one controlled it. Kyle dimly recalled an old saying—something about being free and how the best things in life are something or other.
Before his philosophical musings could get any deeper, he was notified of a direct message on Twitter. Apparently, Jerry Rollins himself was responding to his tweet.
'Are you still at the Convention Centre?' @jerryrollins asked.
'Yes. Just me,' Kyle responded.
'Hey, buddy, I need your help. Have you seen a dude in a tie-dyed shirt? If he's there I need to talk to him.'
'Tie-dyed shirt and a headband - yes,' Kyle answered.
'I think his phone is dead. Muldor finished way ahead of schedule, but I don't know if the coals are ready for the fire walk.'
'I heard him talking. He said it's fine - u can go right ahead.'
Rollins wasn't persuaded. 'He said that? The coals seem hotter than usual. Can you find him for me?'
Kyle's stomach growled. Under the circumstances, he didn't feel like being helpful. 'How do
I know ur really Jerry Rollins?'
'My account has a blue check mark.'
'That doesn't mean anything. "Don't be fooled by imitations." That's what Jerry said.' At this point, he hoped it really was Rollins because he was enjoying toying with him.
'C'mon, bro, help me out!'
'I can't talk 2 u cuz I'm only on level 1.'
And with that, Kyle exited Twitter.
Continuing his trek, he Googled 'firewalking.' According to Wikipedia, when coals have burned for a sufficient time, they get covered in enough ash to insulate the heat away from the skin. Interesting...
After rounding the back of the Conference Centre, he reached the shady main entrance just as some charter buses were pulling into the parking lot. This surprised him because less than an hour had elapsed.
As Kyle drew closer, grumpy-looking people began to disembark. Beth was one of the first off, and she headed straight for him. By this time he'd grown weary of dealing with go-getters, yet he was curious to hear what had happened.
"Amy's doing the firewalking," she said. "Not me. I didn't expect Jerry to ask for another seventy-five bucks after we'd already shelled out sixty to see Muldor. Not worth it. You were smart to stay behind." They began ambling back toward the Convention Centre.
"So, what was it like in The Great Beyond?"
She sighed. "Brief and stupid. The Great Beyond was just a name they assigned to a vacant lot near where the firewalking was set up."
"So, was Muldor an old coot with a long beard?"
"Actually, no. Muldor was just some white chick in yoga pants. Lynn Muldor. She said happiness is all about maintaining a positive focus, then she tried to sell us stuff."
"I thought she was supposed to have deep insights."
"Well, she thought she did. With her infinite wisdom, she said we're all characters in a book and exist only in the consciousness of the reader."
"I don't get it."
"She said existence is only possible when observed by an outside consciousness—in this case, 'the reader.' It's like Schrödinger's cat."
Kyle didn't follow. "Hmm."
"I can't believe I paid for that."
"At least you got lunch on the bus."
"Yeah, right. A tiny bag of chips and a can of Sprite."
They stepped over the curb and continued talking on the lawn. "Did she make prophecies?"
"Yeah. She said that a figure would soon appear on the horizon to guide us; a man who's above it all. Which I took to be a reference to Jerry walking on fire or the fact that he travels in a private helicopter. I'm sure it was no coincidence that it landed behind her just a moment later. Oh, and she said something about the man being someone who reads, implying, no doubt, that Jerry is the godlike 'Reader.' I think the whole thing was scripted, but somehow it came out sounding a bit sarcastic. Anyway, Jerry started walking toward her, and she broke off her talk and rushed over to him."
"What did she say?"
"We couldn't hear much because she had a hand over her mic. Something about Bitcoin. It looked pretty heated."
"Yikes."
"Then she got in her car and drove away. I don't think Jerry knew what to do. He had his phone out and seemed to be texting someone, looking pretty pissed."
"Imagine that."
"Of course, Muldor was supposed to get everyone hypnotized or whatever for the firewalking. But suddenly Jerry's like, 'Muldor schmuldor. Let's go, gang. It's firewalking time!' The hot coals were right nearby, but that's when Jerry asked for more money. I'm surprised Amy paid. They'll probably be back in another hour."
"Another hour," moaned Kyle. "Oh, well, I guess I don't mind waiting another hour if I get unlimited wealth and power instantly." Truth be told, he'd have been happy with even a thousand dollars if he could have it instantly, as promised.
"You're right. We need to keep a positive attitude. The universe wants us to succeed." She squared her shoulders and forced a smile.
The wind picked up a bit, blowing dead leaves and litter around the parking lot.
A second wave of buses roared in. While the people from Beth's group had looked somber and disillusioned, the people returning from the fire walk appeared enraged.
When Amy emerged, Beth waved, and she came straight over.
"Stupid Jerry Rollins!" said Amy, stepping onto the lawn. "Everything's canceled!"
"What?"
"What a joke. He gave this big speech about how walking on fire proved the supremacy of the will over physical flesh and how if we just believe, we won't get burned. So he gets us all into this lofty state, clearing our minds of self-doubt, then he says he'll lead the way. So he puts one foot on the coals, then starts screaming his head off!"
"Look, it's on TikTok!" someone shouted. Soon, everyone was watching a viral video of Jerry Rollins stepping onto the hot coals accompanied by Elvis's 'Burning Love.' ('#jerryistoast #epicfail.')
Watching the video, Amy shook her head in dismay. "That's the moment when our eyes were opened and we saw him for what he really is."
"So, what happened?" asked Beth.
"He was furious, blaming everyone but himself. Someone treated him for minor burns, then he flew off."
Kyle may have taken satisfaction from this turn of events, but he did his best to hide it.
As the group mingling on the lawn grew bigger, some of the people who had re-entered the building came back out, complaining that the doors to the lecture hall were locked. Pulling out their phones, people began tweeting.
'It's OVER! #rollinsworkshop.'
'That's all folks! #ultimatepowerandsuccess.'
Garth (the young man who had joined Jerry onstage) appeared particularly distraught and kept asking, "What about the virtual pyramid we've been building?"
"What a crook," said Amy. "Here I thought Jerry was such a pure soul—except for the drug charges."
"Larceny and assault too," added Beth. "But those were just allegations. Still, I'm going to feel weird wearing my World Conquest Tour t-shirt now."
Kyle's opinion of Rollins had hit rock bottom. "Who needs Jerry Rollins?" he said, speaking with a degree of confidence that had eluded him all day. "Him and his stupid 'levels.' I wouldn't want to be on the top level of the pyramid now, even if it was free. There's got to be more to life."
Beth seemed intrigued. "You think so?"
"I know so," said Kyle. "Maybe unlimited wealth, total self-mastery, ultimate power, and all the rest of it are overrated."
"Okay, but what are we supposed to do now?" asked Garth, coming closer.
"Maybe we should just relax and fool around," said Kyle. "You know—have some fun. Stuff like that." It was just what the lost souls needed to hear.
"We've had it with Jerry Rollins," Amy told Garth. "To think I was ready to follow him to the ends of the earth. If you ask me, this is who we should be following." She pointed to Kyle.
"Whoa. I'm no leader," said Kyle. "Everyone should just live and let live. Go with the flow or whatever."
Amy, Beth, Garth, and about a dozen others who'd gathered around stared at Kyle, speechless.
Finally, Beth spoke in a trembling voice. "Holy crap! It's Muldor's prophecy! She said that someone would appear on the horizon to guide us." She turned to Kyle. "That's you. You're the 'Reader' she was talking about."
"But I never read anything," Kyle objected. "I watch videos."
Amy wasn't dissuaded. "It's all so clear now. Muldor's Reader is someone who must have read, right? Okay, and you have a red shirt. Red—get it?" She turned to the others. "Kyle's wearing a red shirt! He's the Reader!"
"What? Lots of people wear red," said Kyle. "You guys can think what you want but leave me out of it."
Beth gasped. "Muldor said, 'a man who's above it all.'"
"Kyle backwards is 'like,'" added Garth.
"Spooky," said Beth.
"That clinches it," said Amy. "Any cult of yours is good enough for me."
"Cult? Oh, come on, I'm not here to start a cult." Kyle thought for a moment. "But if I do start one, you won't like it. I'll make everyone wear their hair like Pat Sajak—men and women both—and instead of stockpiling firearms, we'll be stockpiling overripe fruit."
The group seemed unfazed. "That doesn't sound so bad," said Garth.
"And all male members will be castrated."
"Whoa, I hadn't planned on that." Garth took a deep breath. "Still, if it's a free castration..."
The mood shifted as the spirit of peace spread over the little gathering.
A serene and beatific look came over Kyle's face. "So be it. Gather 'round, my children." Amy, Beth, Garth, and the others all dropped to their knees before him. He held out his arms as if welcoming them into the fold. "Now bow your heads."
Everyone looked down.
By the time they looked up, Kyle was long gone.
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