Content Warning: this poem references mental disorders, disordered eating, and sexual assault.
that afternoon
the therapist said two words
body dysmorphia
that was all my ears could hear
so I examined my thighs
and I criticized the shape of my knees
and I ignored her as she laid it all out there
her words fell out of her mouth and into my lap
a lap that always felt too much
because the way that I feel when I sit bare-legged
the vitamin deficiency that made little dots form
the dry winter skin that made me grow scales
the divots left from weight gain and loss
because of course I never learned what health felt like
body dysmorphia
she went on for a few minutes
and I imagined a swift 34 scenarios
maybe if I didn't see my body the way it was
maybe that means I can't hear the way someone says it
maybe of course I can't trust my instincts on living
maybe of course this was how my heart so often betrayed me
maybe the body dysmorphia was how I didn't see anything how it was
every single I love you
every single compliment
every single criticism
that afternoon
she gave me words for the part of me that explained
all the other parts of me that were always at war with each other
and every well-meaning person that had felt the need
to make a comment of my changing body over the years
like the year I only consumed peach iced tea and white cheddar popcorn
until my shoulder blades became razor-sharp
like the year I was assaulted in a bar
and gained as much weight as I could
so that men would stop addressing me
with their hands and eyes
like the year I surrendered the war and let my thighs breathe free
because he said he loved every part of me before he could touch me
body dysmorphia
two words for all the ways we fuck ourselves
in the name of control
in the name of protection
body dysmorphia
for how we live in a body that carries more shame than cells
for how my brain tells me lies about my thighs
when really my thighs just hold the rest of me up
all the trauma so I can stand
so I can live
so I can be loved
so I can be here
even on the days when I can't stand in front of the mirror
especially on the days when I can't trust myself to see myself
body dysmorphia
two words
for war and lies