A woman with the ability to shoot milk from her nipples was arrested for assault Tuesday after temporarily blinding Congressman Roger Mashpee while he was enroute to a meeting with representatives from the dairy industry.
Irene O'Meara, 31, was seen being ushered inside a police vehicle following her arrest. The three-year-old and infant with O’Meara at the time of her arrest were placed into the custody of O’Meara’s sister.
The incident is believed to be part of a larger protest against Initiative 461, which would relabel all white potable beverages other than cow’s milk as mylk. This is said to include the liquid produced within human mammalian glands (the liquid formerly known as breastmilk).
Candice Barnes is a congressional staffer who passed O’Meara earlier in the day. "She was pushing one of those double-seat red strollers up Capitol Hill. I thought she was a homeschool mom on a field trip. She looked tired. She certainly didn’t look like she was about to commit a crime," Barnes said.
Others reported similar sentiments. Several remember seeing O’Meara open a single-serving box of soymilk and hand it to her preschool age child, who attempted to consume it but spilled most on his infant sibling while his mother, behind him, unbuttoned her shirt in order to deploy her nipple guns.
“Yes, she’s had the milk-shooters her entire life, at least since she [developed]. No, there was never an issue growing up. My sister is extremely trustworthy and peaceful. She won’t use her nips unless she feels she has absolutely no other choice,” said Colleen Kampke, 34. Kampke added that her sister is “an awesome mama and an extremely informed consumer.”
Women with the ability to shoot milk from their nipples is a rare but documented trait with recorded incidents dating back to at least 1566. Attempts to isolate and reproduce the ability had been a longtime focus of biologists and geneticists throughout the first half of the twentieth century. In 1929, an international team was assembled and assigned to the study. The end goal would have been an army of milk-shooting warriors.
Progress on a lacto-army stalled when sufficient numbers of research subjects could not be located for study. Researchers followed up on countless“friend-of-a-friend” stories. Funding was cut when many of these turned out to be pornography.
Mashpee’s wife, Brenda Miller-Mashpee, appeared at the family residence later in the day to give a statement to reporters. “I don’t understand why people are so upset. Milk is good for you. Drink your milk, kids,” Miller-Mashpee said.
Members of the anti-dairy industry protest organization known as Milk-It report that O’Meara’s name was not listed as one of their contacts, but add that they allow members to enroll anonymously. According to Graham Stader, a representative with Milk-It, “We are against Initiative 461 as it seeks to lower the status of alternative milk products and preserve the role of cow’s milk as the only acceptable form of the beverage.”
The story spread quickly on social media. Dozens of lookie-loos, apparently hoping for a repeat performance, gathered on the site Tuesday evening holding empty milk jugs and wearing swim goggles. Police cleared the area by nightfall and it has remained clear as of press time.
Mashpee was treated at Slattering Memorial Hospital and released. No other injuries were reported.