"Recipe for Averting Disaster" by C. E. Hoffman

Recipe for Averting Disaster

(contributed by: C.E. Hoffman)

⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ ⭐️ (7)

30-45 min

287 calories (burnt)

18 servings of self-doubt

212 servings of catharsis

You will need:

1-2 garbage bags

1 pair scissors (sharp)

1 Fuck You, Breakup, and/or Emo Party playlist (ad-free ideal)

2-3 items of clothing belonging to or bequeathed by the dearly departed lover who doesn’t care if you end up homeless

1-3 items of sentiment belonging to or bequeathed by the dearly departed lover, same (fabric items ideal, eg. stuffed animals, like the two-headed cat he got you at the Freakshow Museum in Cliché Falls)

every ounce of long-buried rage you can muster

Directions:

(Note: this recipe requires a willingness to accept that the dearly departed lover was a narcissist or at least exhibited emotionally-abusive tendencies.)

1. Whip your rage into a frenzy. Remember: he cheated. Remember: he sabotaged your housing. Remember: he has never, ever been accountable, and never, ever will be.

2. Crank the music. Suggested openers: P.S. I Hate You (Simple Plan), Vigilante Shit (Taylor Swift), Gives You Hell (All-American Rejects.)

3. Funnel your freshly-whipped rage into a concentrated stream of destructive vitriol on his clothing. (100% cotton is best for warming up; save thicker hoodies and polyester for later to avoid overstraining the mix.)

4. Stir the tatters of your love life thoroughly until all identifying marks are removed.

5. Let sit 5-10 min.

6. Transfer tatters into one of two garbage bags. Set aside.

7. Pick up the two-headed cat he got you at the Freakshow Museum in Cliché Falls. (Remember Medea: the pain is fine as long as he’s not laughing.

Remember every scorned woman and all hell’s furies.)

8. Behead the beloved memento from the last time you were naive enough to think you were happy.

(Remember: live things bleed; dead things keep smiling.)

9. Garnish the stuffed garbage bag(s) with the cat’s deflated, grinning heads.

10. Leave outside the house the dearly departed lover made sure you wouldn’t get.

Best served chilled.

C.E. Hoffman (they/them) was born, gave birth, and tried to die in Edmonton, AB (not necessarily in that order.) A grant winner, Elgin Award nominee, recipient of a Silver Honourable Mention in the L. Ron Hubbard Writers of the Future Award, and winner of the 2022 Defunct May Day Chapbook contest, they wrote their first novel at eleven years old, and have continued writing ever since. They’ve been published widely online and in print since 2010, and edited Punk Monk Magazine since 2012.

Current releases include SLUTS AND WHORES (Thurston Howl Publications, 2021), BLOOD, BOOZE, AND OTHER THINGS IN NATURE (Alien Buddha Press, 2022), GHOSTS, TROLLS, AND OTHER THINGS ON THE INTERNET (Bottlecap Press, 2022- Elgin Award nominee), and NO ACTUAL SIN (May Day Press/Defunct Magazine, 2023.) LOSERS AND FREAKS is forthcoming from Querencia Press. Find their publishing CV at cehoffman.net/publications, follow them on Twitter @CEHoffman2, and listen to their podcast Scribbles & Spills.