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“Small Town Life in the News" by Nolcha Fox


Illegal Activity on Mayberry Street

Last Tuesday, Mrs. Frobisher and her alleged lady friends broke up an illegal parade of wild turkeys down the middle of Mayberry Street by throwing poker chips at the birds. Parades are only allowed on weekends.

The wild turkeys retaliated by chasing the ladies around the block and eating Mrs. Frobisher's flowers.

The police, who were called by neighbors to restore order, found an illegal gambling casino in Mrs. Frobisher's basement.

The police were able to arrest the ladies, but the wild turkeys scattered before the police could catch them. Policemen are still stationed at the golf course to question the wild turkeys when they fly down from the trees. However, it is doubtful the big birds will give up the identity of those involved in the parade.


House Cleaning Company to Drops Lawsuit Against Client

Darci Doolittle, president of Clean Freak Homes, Inc., contacted her attorney to start a lawsuit after her client, Joe Austin, didn't give her a 24-hour cancellation notice, and didn't pay the cancellation fee. Love Your Lawn landscaping services joined in the lawsuit.

The police officer who delivered the summons found Joe dead on the floor.

Because Mr. Austin had nothing valuable except a cranky old cat, Ms. Doolittle decided not to pursue acquiring Joe's assets to make up for the loss of income, as she is allergic.

She plans to contact her state senator to draft legislation requiring people to notify everyone before they die unexpectedly.


Deadly Grizzly

A grizzly wandered into a lodge restaurant kitchen this weekend, looking for food. Restaurant workers evacuated the building before they became lunch.

The grizzly ate all the pizzas, lumbered outside, and began rolling on the ground in pain. Park rangers subdued the bear long enough to pour a bottle of antacids down its throat.

The bear immediately farted, knocking down several trees. Everybody within a mile radius of the fart fainted and had to be airlifted out.

The cook surmised that the grizzly wasn't Italian, and couldn't bear the pizza sauce, garlic, cheese, and pepperoni.


Serial Killer Caught on Camera

An unknown dog in a mask and cape was caught after hours on a pet store camera ferociously shaking a stuffed animal. White puffs of fluff flew from the victim until it expired.

When the manager opened the store the next morning, she found all the toy bins emptied, and unstuffed animal carcasses littering the floor. Several employees spent over an hour cleaning up the grisly scene and filling the bins with new stuffed toys.

By the time police reviewed the camera footage, the murderer was no longer in the building. They are on the lookout for this dangerous criminal. Keep your doors and windows locked.


Wife Drives Husband to Drink

That's right. Marge Castle, our own town gossip, drove her husband to the bar yesterday. Maybe she just wanted to show off her new used Mazda. But will she pick him up? Harry Castle isn't sure.


Man Taken to ER after Lawn Mowing Accident

Kenneth Bailey, unhappy with his neighbor, Devon Patel’s, choice of political candidate, attempted to run down a sign that was close to the boundary of their adjacent yards. The lawn mower ejected a wooden shard into Mr. Bailey’s leg.

Mr. Patel drove Mr. Bailey to seek medical help.


Death Completes Time Management Course

Death was just plain tired of responding to every unimportant and non-urgent prank death call. Now she carries a planner to prioritize her appointments. Her new phone number is unlisted so that she can focus on increasing productivity. Not to worry. She'll show up when it's your time. You're important.

Nolcha has written all her life, starting with poop and crayons on the walls. That led to a long career in technical writing. She retired into creative writing. Her poems have been published in WyoPoets News, Duck Head Journal, Ancient Paths, Dark Entries, The Red Lemon Review, Agape Review, Bullshit Literary Magazine, and Storyteller’s Refrain.

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