Walter's Eighth Hypothesis
Although it may be true that one may avoid some nagging when one's mother leaves, it would be disingenuous to pretend that these benefits outweigh the costs of her absence.
"Walter, are you kidding? 'Disingenuous? Benefits outweigh the costs ...?' What kind of weirdo writes this way? Or even thinks this way? Mom doesn't live here. You see her every other Sunday. Get over it. And you want me to 'set you up' with one of my friends? You're crazy. No junior friend of mine wants to go out with a freshman who, when he's not masturbating - yeah, I can hear you in there - spends his time composing a book of absurd hypotheses. I love you, but, Jesus, can't you just be a little more normal?"
Claire has a point. Maybe I should slow down on the masturbation and the book of hypotheses. But it does suck that all the girls at school are snobs, that Mom left, and that my best friend is my sister. Well, okay, that last part doesn't suck. Claire is awesome.
Walter's Tenth Hypothesis
What we complain about the most is what we are drawn to the most. Claire, you must secretly like this book. If not, then why are you reading it now? I left it out for a week and Dad never even picked it up, but you are always railing at me concerning its weirdness. Ergo, you are reading it.
"Look, Claire, we've had this conversation more than once, but would you please go see your mother. I know you think you're supporting me but let it go. It's for us to figure out. She's your mother. Please take Walter this weekend. You can have the car for the whole day."
Unbelievable. My father is trying to bribe me with the car to see my mother. I don't want to see her. I'm not going to see her. He is fucking pathetic. Walter sure gets it honest.
Walter's First Hypothesis
Your parents always say that you can talk to them about anything, but that is not the case. For example, I would like to talk to my dad about sex. Not the technical stuff, but what it really feels like. But then he would have to talk about him and mom, and that would be too weird. QED. (I love writing that).
I hear Claire and Dad arguing again. I know he wants her to take me to see Mom tomorrow. It's ironic that they're fighting over her taking his side. I am not sure if I want Claire to go. I think it would stress Mom out and she seems to be getting better. We have fun.
"Walter, for a guy who loves to write 'QED', you could at least have the decency to be a math nerd. I can't believe you still haven't figured out how to factor polynomials. Shit, I have homework too you know."
Walter has to be the strangest creature ever. He thinks like a complete nerd, yet he's good-looking and inept at math. I actually had to imply to Brianna that he might be gay so she wouldn't force the issue of me getting them together. If she were to find out how he really is, I'd never hear the end of it. Of course, she's kind of a bitch so it might serve her right.
Walter's Fourth Hypothesis
If 50% of marriages end in divorce, then there really is no point in wedding vows unless they're predicated with a disclaimer. Something like: "We say these vows in the hopes that our marriage will be in the half that make it. If it's not, then you can ignore what we're about to say."
"Mom, I thought about lying to you and telling you that Claire wanted to come this week but she had too much homework. That's not true. She is still very mad at you."
These every-other-Sundays with Walter are both sweet and torturous. Jesus, I miss my family, but I have to stay away. Michael can't understand, blames himself. Claire is sure there is someone else and thinks I'm a slut. And Walter. Sweet Walter. I'm sure he has several hypotheses on the subject, but I told him I'm not ready to read that book yet.
Walter's Eleventh Hypothesis
Football cannot be a sport that requires much skill. Yesterday Coach Kelly asked me if I wanted to go out for the team next fall. I told him that other than throwing a ball around with my Dad years ago I'd never played, but he said that any kid my size (6' 1 3/4" and 178 lbs) can learn to play. I told him I'd think about it, which I meant, but the thinking didn't take long. I'm going to stick to cross country. Coach Warren says I've improved and maybe will place next season.
I’m a cliché. An accountant whose wife up and left, and I have no idea why. There's nothing about it in any of my spreadsheets. I know what Claire thinks, but I don't think that's it. If it was, how? Since my episode a few years ago, I don't like to drive and I've been mostly working from home. Could Grace have been that sneaky? Johann says I should join his men's group. What would I do there?
I'm exhausted all the time. Meaghan says I have a low form of PTSD because of everything I've had to deal with since Mom left. I told her that she might as well open her MD practice right away if she can already come up with bullshit diagnoses. I should probably drop the yearbook committee, but I know my presence is the only thing that guarantees some artistic flavor to the final product. Freshman year I spent $80 on a book filled with pictures of cheerleaders and the football team.
Walter's Third Hypothesis
(Part I)
Sex with a partner is probably great, but a solo endeavor (ie masturbation) presents distinct advantages in the areas of access and communication.
(Part II)
Masturbation must be a male biological need as every boy I know does it. It's a skewed sample being only the cross-country team, but a unanimous vote is always impressive.
(Part III)
Are men and women so different that masturbation is not a biological need for girls? Assuming not, why haven't I heard Claire do it? She's heard me. Maybe I should listen at her door. Even in the name of science, that would make me a creep.
"Walter, how was your visit with Mom? Is she still staying in that awful hotel? There's no way to cook there. Did she eat? How does she seem to you?"
It's sad how much Dad misses Mom. He seems so lost. I never know what to tell him. I know I can't lie, but it's hard to tell him she's smiling more and finished a whole plate of spaghetti.
I probably shouldn't ask Walter these questions. Claire has made clear that I'm pathetic, but Grace still won't take my calls. How can you live with someone for almost 20 years and just stop talking to them?
Walter's Seventh Hypothesis
(Part I)
I don't believe that there is "one special person" for everyone. If that were true, and my person was in Sri Lanka, how would we meet? This can't be the case since we only come into contact with a tiny fraction of the overall population. The odds of that person being in our contact sphere would be very small.
(Part II)
People mistake convenience for love. It's easier to fall in love with the girl next door than someone who you have to make an effort just to find.
(Part III)
Internet dating may be a means of nullifying the preceding two hypotheses. With the internet, we can cast our net much wider in hopes of finding that special person. Still what if my special person chooses not to go online? Further reflection needed.
I can't believe the shit I get for being a virgin. I'm not a prude, but I don't feel like putting out or going down on a guy just because he treats me to the movies. I think I'm ready, but I have to at least care about and be turned on by the guy, even if it's not Walter's version of true love. I hate it when I hear guys talking about sluts, but if what I hear in the locker room is true, then that word describes half the team.
"Move your feet, Claire, keep them moving. Great steal! Look for the outlet. Nice pass! Yes, that's my daughter. Thanks, but no, I have two left feet. She gets it from her mom."
Walter's Fourteenth Hypothesis
It is hardest to see what's right in front of us. I should have known what was going on with Mom. Everyone complimented her on the weight loss, but it was because she stopped eating. And she had stopped working out. How could I have missed it? Maybe I'm not a good son.
"Walter, this is bullshit. You were not responsible for their marriage or telling the future. You visit her every other week. She left us - remember. She's lucky to have you. Stop writing this crap. You have too much talent to waste on this. Write something real.”
My family is really too much. An absent, cheating mother (I've stopped using the word slut), a father who walks around like a bride who got ditched at the altar, and a brother who talks to dead playwrights.
Walter's Twentieth Hypothesis
It's not true that someone is either a "math person" or "not a math person". I still can't add rational expressions but think it's amazing that the irrational numbers are uncountable.
I'm going to write a play. It's about a famous mathematician who gets knocked unconscious by a petty thief while standing in line waiting to buy a bag of potato chips at a 7-11. The thief was running away after having stolen three packs of Marlboro Lights. Anyway, when the mathematician comes to, he discovers that he has dyscalculia which is like dyslexia except with numbers. He goes to several brain specialists and finds out that there is no way to reverse it, so he spends the rest of the play talking to complete strangers about what to do with his life. Dad thinks it has potential, and Claire is just glad I'm writing something other than the book of hypotheses.
My therapist says that my condition, which she claims involves losing myself amidst the lives of others, is quite common for women who play the central role in their families. She supports the notion that I need time away to rediscover myself. I want it to make sense, and I know I can't see Michael right now, but there's still this voice in my head saying "Bullshit Chen, Bullshit Chen". And it sounds just like Coach Abrams. I can still hear his voice. "Toughen up, Chen. Run harder. You think it's easy being an All-American?"
Walter's Ninth Hypothesis
It is impossible to know if you have any friends in high school. Everyone is friends with everyone on Facebook, but in person, it’s a different story. Status trumps friendship every time.
“Claire, I'd like to go away this weekend to a men’s meditation retreat. I know I’ve been struggling since your Mom left and I need to try and get it together. It'll be better for all of us. I can get a ride with Johann so you can have the car. I hope you and Walter will be able to coordinate schedules. I'll be back late Sunday."
Meditation? Is he kidding? He does the tax return for some new-age yogi type, starts meditating thirty minutes each morning, and now he's signed up for the program? I can’t see Dad meditating. Shit, and this weekend, I have a million things to do. Maybe Walter will just stay home and write.
Walter's Second Hypothesis
There must be a human need to pigeonhole other humans. An Irish-Chinese American kid, I find that everyone wants to put a label on me. I’m supposed to be good at math, tell funny jokes, and grow up to drink lots of whiskey.
“I can take you to the park but we need to leave now. I've got practice from 8-10 and right after I've got to go over yearbook proofs with Kelly. I need to pick you up at noon sharp. I'm spending the whole afternoon at Meaghan’s house; we've got to work on our junior year partner exhibition. Why are you wearing a nice shirt? And you combed your hair? Is that girl going? Yeah, her, the one you probably think is interesting because she has greasy hair and only wears black.”
I admire Claire but I could never be like her. Her schedule is crazy. How does she get by without time to think about things? Is this why she gave up wanting to direct movies?
Walter's Sixteenth Hypothesis
Daydreaming is extremely undervalued. I don’t understand why teachers say, “Stop daydreaming, pay attention.” I do my best thinking while daydreaming.
Where is he? And what’s with the cop cars? I can’t believe he’s not here. I told him noon sharp. He’s such a flake. Shit, I have to park and get out.
These weekends by myself are hard. Walter’s visits really keep me going. I know Michael can’t understand my desertion. He must think I’m a heartless bitch. And Claire … . There was the time when she was nine and we bought matching dresses and shoes. That seems like several lifetimes ago. Fuck. Stop thinking, Chen. Stop thinking.
Walter's Fifth Hypothesis
If you are able to help someone, you should.
Holy shit, what’s going on? A jumper? Why are there so many cops? Where’s Walter? The Falls. A jumper. Oh God.
“Excuse me, excuse me. Move, I have to get through. My brother …”
Walter's Eighteenth Hypothesis
In literature, orgasm has been equated with mini-death. If this is true, then our whole lives must just be foreplay leading up to the ultimate climax.
Pick up. Pick up. Fuck Dad. Please Pick up. Please. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
“Mom. I’m at the park. Get here now. Walter is at the top of the Falls with that girl I think he likes. Yes, some strange girl from school. There are cops everywhere. They say he’s going to jump, and they won’t let me through. Those Falls. I don’t know. Some stupid community service project. Who the fuck cares? Do you hear me? Dad? He’s meditating. Yes, meditating. At a retreat two hours away. Fuck Mom, just get here.”
I wonder what the kids are doing. Stop, stop. Back to meditation. Here I am in the woods with only the sounds of the birds and wind whooshing through the pines, yet clearing my mind seems so hard. Claire is probably out and Walter must be in his room writing. Let go, let go … .
“That’s my brother. On the ledge. I need to talk to him. Professionals? He’s not going to talk to a fucking professional. He needs his sister. Me, I’m his sister. Let me through dammit!”
Where are the keys? Walter at the top of the Falls? That’s impossible. He seemed fine last week. God, that's a long way up. Shit, the keys, the keys.
I can’t believe this is happening. I knew something was wrong with that girl. Letting herself go wasn’t a fashion statement. How did he hook up with her? What is this, some sort of demented suicide pact? I wouldn’t put it past him. How did they get up there anyway? Why was I so hard on him about that fucking book? Dammit. And Mom, fucking Mom.
Walter's Sixth Hypothesis
"Be your own man" is highly overrated. I've been given that advice, but in reality, conformity is valued far above individuality.
“Mom, are you here? You won’t believe it. He’s coming down. He’s leading that girl by the hand. Yes, coming down I said. The girl. The one he's been talking about; I think he's got a crush on her. He’s leading her down. That’s it. The rescuers have them. They’re safe. People are saying he’s a hero. A hero. Walter’s a hero.”
Comments