"the boyfriend series" by Michael Russell

boyfriend diary i

found poem

i’ve been feeling a lot.

i don’t know how

i keep reminding myself

to move, breathe, understand

goodness,

i’m crying again.

i know i’m past your limit.

boyfriend diary ii

found poem

i made mistakes,

& isolated myself.

it’s been difficult,

unearthing, reaching

for deeper understanding

that disconnect is my kryptonite.

mikey, the first time

you pulled away

it hurt.

boyfriend diary iii

found poem

this week has been bitter

-sweet. i’ve been busy

with work,

with friends;

game nights, casinos,

critical role.

i’m learning

how to be my own person,

admitting my mistakes,

acknowledging

the church fucked me over.

but i’m here

letting the darkness

warm me

like embers in the cold.

boyfriend diary iv

found poem

god, i was so scared

to fail that i failed

anyways. i see you,

see the symbols

of our journey,

stars & planets

& i’m in love

with the orbit,

the pull

of gravity. i know

there’s still a lot

to move through

but i trust

in the feeling i got

when you smiled

for the first time

in months.

Michael Russell (he/they) is coauthor of chapbook Split Jawed with Elena Bentley (forthcoming from Collusion Books) and mother monster to chapbook Grindr Opera (Frog Hollow Press). They are queer, mad, and overflowing with anxiety. Currently, he has a craving for chocolate chip pancakes with bananas and thinks you're fantabulous. Insta: @michael.russell.poet