"To Jessica Schwartz, From Your Designated Demon:" by Katherine Schmidt & Natalie Wolf

To Jessica Schwartz, From Your Designated Demon:

1. In 6,000 years of existence, I have never had anyone summon me over 200 times in a single month. My secretary, Joann, can barely handle the requests.

2. Unfortunately, I can’t solve all of your problems. I can’t make Jared love you again. I can’t make you love yourself. 

3. I can, however, add Jared to the waitlist for Hell. Don’t expect to hear back quickly.

4. Let's talk about what’s in the cauldron. Why raw hearts? Can’t they at least be medium rare? After 223 raw hearts, you really start to crave some McNuggets. 

5. Must you summon me at Interlaken Park? Yellow sac spiders are scary, and it rains 150 days a year in Seattle. The McDonald’s at 3rd and Pine has AC and fewer spiders.

6. No virgins necessary. You can just summon me yourself. I don’t judge, and Bryan already works full-time at the McDonald’s.

7. My services work best in combination with other self-care activities. Try journaling, therapy, eating a McFlurry.

8. My therapist says I need to set firm boundaries. So, I can’t always come when you call. Please contact Joann to schedule in advance. 

9. I would appreciate you calling me by name, as I feel like we’ve reached that point in our relationship. It’s Xarthreldoug'grorenunarog, but you may call me Doug.

10. Thank you for your patronage. I really do wish you the best.

11. And yeah, fuck Jared.

Katherine Schmidt’s poetry is published in Roi Fainéant Press, Icebreakers Lit, JAKE, Unbroken, and elsewhere. She is a co-founder and EIC of Spark to Flame Journal.

Natalie Wolf (https://nwolfmeep.wixsite.com/nmwolf) is an editor for Ambidextrous Bloodhound Press and a former co-editor and co-founder of Spark to Flame Journal. Her short fiction and poetry have appeared in Popshot Quarterly, Right Hand Pointing, Pink Panther Magazine, I-70 Review, and more. Her piece "When I told my cat he couldn't go outside, he:," published in The Hooghly Review, was nominated for Best Microfiction 2024.